Another sleepless night

[Left broken and confused]

I have been up all night replaying everything in my head and given the opportunity what I would tell my replacement about our relationship  (never will of course) I just can't seem to pick myself up and get past this all. The hurt is just unbelievable. On Thursday  night he sent me a text and asked me if I wanted to come over. I made the big mistake of saying yes and when I was about a block away from his house he called me and said he was falling asleep. It was very late and I could hear he was sick so I didn't think much. We spoke for about a half hour on the phone just about casual every day stuff that was going on with us but I haven't heard from him since. Having contact is hard but seems to be some sick comfort for me. NC just rips me apart so I really don't know what to do anymore

[Mutt]

Hi Left broken and confused,

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time with NC. NC is really tough. It's hard when your triangulated with a replacement. It's like the rug has been pulled from underneath you.

I think what helps is to get our thoughts and feelings out. What would you like to tell the replacement? This is your thread and a place where you can say what you feel like saying.

Have at her. It really helps. What thoughts keep you up?

[Left broken and confused]

Hi Mutt

I wish I can tell her he isn't what he appears to be. He is so sweet and kind then all of a sudden he will turn on you and say the most hurtful things anyone can say. After his rage is over he makes you believe he is really sorry for everything. He will also manipulate her to get as much as he possibly can. With all that being said I love for her to know that he never ended the relationship with me but says he is too hurt to discuss what happened after 4 wasted years. Within the last two weeks he has asked me to have sex with him twice (we have not had sex) the thing that confuses me and keeps me up is why do I love him so much? Why do I want him back? Is my replacement better then me? (Probably not if he still wants to have sex with me. I do believe he never cheated on me)

[Left broken and confused]

Something else that confuses me is he wanted me to come to his house where we can easily be caught by my replacement or his landlord which i was friends with and she now seems to be friendly with my replacement. Is it a game to get me back because his house was more a home to me for 4 years then my own house. He knows there are alot of feelings in his house

[Caredverymuch]

Something else that confuses me is he wanted me to come to his house where we can easily be caught by my replacement or his landlord which i was friends with and she now seems to be friendly with my replacement. Is it a game to get me back because his house was more a home to me for 4 years then my own house. He knows there are alot of feelings in his house

LBAC, I am so sorry for your pain  .  Please know we understand here, as these are the very pains many of us have endured.

Nothing about this is a game, it's a disorder.  It does indeed feel like a game as the push/pulls-splitting are indeed like a rug being pulled out from underneath the non, much like being moved around a game board, without any warning.  Pre BPD knowledge, I actually said those very words to my expBPD as he did the very same to me: " is this a game to you?"

As well as the triangulation. More hurt.

In my humble opinion based on my own experience, triangulation is common and there seems to be some element of the pBPD "wanting" to get " caught" if you will.  It increases the chaos and drama and keeps everyone on the rollercoaster of the disorder. With all attention being applied to the pBPD, ultimately.  To which I am very sorry bc I know how this feels. 

Hurtful. Confusing. Unsettling. Always with a knot in the stomach. Devalued. All for no reason that makes sense.

This is not about you.  It's about a disorder.  Please remember this.

The need to want to warn/speak with the replacement. I had this desire too.  Then I realized, this only kept me on the rollercoaster.  The drama. The chaos.  My desire to fix something I could not, should not, was absolutely keeping me in that triangle as well as in the disorder.  Would that potential conversation change anything, for ME? Help ME? Somehow chg the former r/s w my ex or make things better for anyone, most esp ME?

No.

The replacement, much like we were in the idealization stage, would likely be hearing from our expBPD how much he/she was victimized in our r/s.  We heard this too.  We believed it.  It was 100% convincing.  Often with tears and incredible emotion.

Hard.  I know. Truly.

NC is tough. Its for you. To begin the journey back to you.

Keep posting and knowing we understand as we have been there.

[jhkbuzz]

Something else that confuses me is he wanted me to come to his house where we can easily be caught by my replacement or his landlord which i was friends with and she now seems to be friendly with my replacement. Is it a game to get me back because his house was more a home to me for 4 years then my own house. He knows there are alot of feelings in his house

LBAC, I am so sorry for your pain  .  Please know we understand here, as these are the very pains many of us have endured.

Nothing about this is a game, it's a disorder.  It does indeed feel like a game as the push/pulls-splitting are indeed like a rug being pulled out from underneath the non, much like being moved around a game board, without any warning.  Pre BPD knowledge, I actually said those very words to my expBPD as he did the very same to me: " is this a game to you?"

As well as the triangulation. More hurt.

In my humble opinion based on my own experience, triangulation is common and there seems to be some element of the pBPD "wanting" to get " caught" if you will.  It increases the chaos and drama and keeps everyone on the rollercoaster of the disorder. With all attention being applied to the pBPD, ultimately.  To which I am very sorry bc I know how this feels. 

Hurtful. Confusing. Unsettling. Always with a knot in the stomach. Devalued. All for no reason that makes sense.

OHMIGOD I've never seen this in black and white but it's always been so confusing to me.  The wanting to get caught; the desire for the chaos and drama.  But you're right - it keeps the focus on them.

It's so hard for a reasonably healthy person to understand this disorder.  Because that kind of chaos, drama and attention is the LAST thing I'd ever want.

[Left broken and confused]

It really is crazy to think that he would want to be caught.  I firmly believe the women he is dating now is his money supply. She is much older and is appears to be well off. My ex needs to get an attorney because his sons mother is taking him to court. Of course he told me he has a little money saved to pay for it but I don't believe that because I did his budget and know he is lucky to make his monthly bills. I'm a single mother of 2 with no child support and I always seemed to have more then him.

[Mutt]

It is emotional arrested development and he's running from his core trauma. He's expecting others to care-take. It's unfortunate the collateral damage he's causing with running away from his issues. He really should be paying child support and his son could use the help if he could help him financially.

These women are enabling if they're money supply. I'm sorry.

[Left broken and confused]

The only good thing he does is take care of his son and pay his support. His ex is asking for an increase because she left her new husband. She is possibly border line also now that I think of it.

[Mutt]

The only good thing he does is take care of his son and pay his support. His ex is asking for an increase because she left her new husband. She is possibly border line also now that I think of it.

Sounds like a train-wreck waiting to happen 

[Left broken and confused]

I lived that train ride for 4 years and should consider myself lucky because I survived many of crashes and we all have