The mess of the ending

[ForeverDad]

The paperwork came to me too late for the court hearing I had last week... .But I have managed to print them off in secret... .And feel inspired to try the courts again.

Livednlearned... .  She has been quite difficult in arranging childcare... .  there has been a sudden change... .Who knows why... .

Anyway... .  I feel a little less powerless... .And keen for tomorrow to arrive... .A court order will help with boundaries... .

Any files, documents or computers she has access to - whether physically or electronically - consider them compromised until proven otherwise.  For example, even if you delete your browser history or log off, she may still be able to find your data or remnants of it.  Some have even found key loggers on their computers that saved or transmitted their every keystroke or file.

As additional examples of what some members have faced:

• The spouse ranted and raged, demanding the passwords or else



• A locked briefcase was busted open



• A locked trunk or boot couldn't withstand a tire iron



• A private office was searched when the spouse came in and told the staff, "I'm just waiting for my spouse."

From our FATQs list (Frequestly Asked Technical Questions) on our How Our Message Board Works pages:

Could I be found out?

[livednlearned]

I ended up hiring a forensic computer IT guy after my divorce. I had given my son an old smartphone that he carried with him to his dad's house, and then I started to notice that N/BPDx seemed to know things that he shouldn't. The forensic investigation found a large audio file that was transmitted at midnight. He said that fit the profile of surveillance software, although he thought it seemed odd that there was only one file sent and not one sent each night, which is how some of those programs work. They record everything that happens during the day, and then send a large file of everything recorded to a remote computer.  

In my state, if someone installs surveillance software on a phone that is not their own purchased with a cell plan under someone else's name, it's a felony. My sense is that N/BPDx installed the software, retrieved the data once, and then had second thoughts when he realized he was getting into sketchy territory. He would lose his law license, his job, and could no longer claim to be the victim if he got caught.

The surveillance software is not expensive and appears easy to install. I've seen software packages for $125, and that includes sending text messages and recordings not only of phone conversations, but conversations that take place within 15 feet of the phone, even when the phone is turned off. I think it can work when the battery is charged, that's all it needs.

But my ex was into surveillance even before we divorced, and I believed past behavior was an excellent predictor of future tactics. He had installed what used to be Google latitude on my phone, and could track me on his phone. He would text or call me, ask me where I was, and if there was a discrepancy, all hell would break loose. I didn't know about the tracking until I started to make plans to leave and ended up reading about cell phone tracking from a DV website. I started to leave my phone at home when I went to see my lawyer, and then used a cheap prepaid phone if I needed it while I was out.

Your wife may not be so motivated to get all up in your business like this, but it's good to take precautions. It helps to have some leverage and a strategy when you plan to leave, and you don't want her to know what you're up to in case she uses that information to leap frog over you or use it against you.

No need to be paranoid. Just be alert and pay attention to your instincts.

[SES]

Thanks for the good wishes,  and also the tips regarding security.    Everything is in secure ie... .The boot of my car, ready for loading into my locked work storage.

Well

Well... .An interesting day... . I now have an injunction preventing her,  or friends and family, from communicating with me about anything other than kids and house sale... . I represented myself... .Keeping costs to virtually nothing... .I asked for an order to get her to move out... .Will have a court hearing about that one in a couple of weeks... . I'll get a lawyer for that one.

She will have been served the paperwork this afternoon... .The only thing I did pay for... .

I have been avoiding going home... .Not too sure how it will go... .if I had planned it better, id have packed a bag and gone away for the night... .Fair to say... I didn't plan ahead.

Well... . I have started to draw a line in the sand.   my legal paperwork was drawn up by a women's domestic violence charity... .they have been really supportive... . I wore a suit, shaved my head, trimmed my beard... .Due to the excellent paperwork,  I didn't have to say or do too much.  

Well, I'll let you know the fall out.  Lawyer advised go home very late.   I'm hoping this helps us all... .Most importantly the kids... .   


I went and saw a friend... .  Now I am.having a rather long drive...    A very long drive...    Nice music though... .  Plus... .No texts or anything else from her all day. A first.

[david]

Make sure the batteries for the recorder are fully charged and you have spares that are fully charged too.

[SES]

Thanks David... .Another great top tip.   I have a spare recorder just in case.   

[ForeverDad]

Before my divorce was final I had accumulated 3 voice recorders.

[Sandman1881]

Plus... .No texts or anything else from her all day. A first.

I found that adjusting to the quiet, especially on the mobile/radio,  takes some getting use to.

After a while though, we see how normal is again.

So many of our troubles are ego driven... .

[SES]

Well, today has been 30 texts arranging our childcare for next week... .  Plus a couple of texts sent in 'error' to the wrong person "I still love him in a way.  I seriously considered going back to him"... .Not in a million years for me... .   

[maxen]

Well... .An interesting day... . I now have an injunction preventing her,  or friends and family, from communicating with me about anything other than kids and house sale... . I represented myself... .Keeping costs to virtually nothing... .I asked for an order to get her to move out... .Will have a court hearing about that one in a couple of weeks... . I'll get a lawyer for that one.

   

She will have been served the paperwork this afternoon... .The only thing I did pay for... .

a future perfect! a man after my own heart 

[SES]

Thanks Maxen... .

She has broken the injunction already!   She sent me text messages,  apparently in error, yesterday... .No surprises really... ."i still live him... I seriously considered going back to him"

She forbade me taking my kids away with me... .But lawyer and judge advised me to proceed anyway

... .

She made malicious allegations to the police that as a result of our relationship breakdown i will kill myself and my children.  

Well, my lawyer isn't a mental health professional, but she predicted that my wife's behaviour would escalate... .And she was right.   She has since predicted that my wife will continue until she is sat in front of a judge... .  I think she is right again.   I will make sure the court is aware she has breached the injunction... . By rights I could call the police... .But give her enough rope... . 

An old friend,  a psychiatrist,  describes her as unravelling... . And many colleagues feel she is malicious to the point of being quite risky/hazardous... .

The moments of the awful behaviour,  eg assault... She .has appeared facially different... . Perhaps dissociation?

She doesn't appear to have grasped the implications of her police record,  or the injunction... . Or the forthcoming court case about occupancy... . 

When she was in police custody she was offered an inpatient admission... . Although couldn't be forced to take it... .Suggests that she was unwell... .

After the assault she sent me a text saying she was suicidal... .

A roller-coaster... . Sad all round... .I have moments of feeling worried about her... .But she has done so much to me that is bad... .I just want to never speak to her again... .A bit of hatred for her has emerged... .Long overdue... .

...

[Panda39]

Well, my lawyer isn't a mental health professional, but she predicted that my wife's behaviour would escalate... .And she was right.   She has since predicted that my wife will continue until she is sat in front of a judge... .  I think she is right again.   I will make sure the court is aware she has breached the injunction... . By rights I could call the police... .But give her enough rope... . 

She doesn't appear to have grasped the implications of her police record,  or the injunction... . Or the forthcoming court case about occupancy... . 

... .A bit of hatred for her has emerged... .Long overdue... .

This type of thing was exactly what my SO's uBPDxw did too. At the beginning of their separation she had primary custody. 

She made accusations of child abuse then didn't even bother to show up at court... .out getting a manicure   Did she really think the court had time for this crap. She had warnings from the custody investigator about the cleanliness of her house and she did nothing... .investigator said her house was "disgusting" in court.  Pulled daughter out of school to do home on-line school against the advice of school counselors, school principal and wishes of her dad... .daughter lost her freshman year of high school 0.0 grade point average.  She was evicted and refused to give dad some clothes for the girls when they would be staying with him right in front of the police! (what a great mom  )

Give the rope she will use it... .document... .document... .document... .

Too dysregulated to even understand what their own actions are doing to their cause.  Because of her actions my SO has primary custody, medical decision making, dental decision making and education decision making.  When they separated he wanted 50/50 on everything and she handed everything to him on a silver platter because of her own actions.

Panda

PS Your emerging hatred is normal for you to feel just be sure to keep it under wraps... .any anger you show (even when justified) can be used against you.

[ForeverDad]

She has broken the injunction already!   She sent me text messages,  apparently in error, yesterday... .No surprises really... ."i still live him... I seriously considered going back to him"

Maybe she did it that way so she could claim it went to you in error.  Slick.  But I really suspect she did it on purpose, to engage you.

The moments of the awful behaviour,  eg assault... She .has appeared facially different... .  Perhaps dissociation?

I saw my ex morph right in front of me.  I had just come home, not sure who I would meet when I came in the door, calm spouse or ranting witch.  Well, she was calm, just had to tell me about her day, sat down on the couch, something she said reminded her of something else... .and right there in front of me I saw her face redden, morph, and she looked like a totally different person.  Other times she was finding fault with me, not this time, I was just a spectator.  Strange that that's the one time that stands out in my memory.

[livednlearned]

Borderline personality disorder is about severe fear of abandonment, so when abandonment actually happens, reactions can be extreme. Is she at a point where she should/could be involuntarily committed? I don't know how that process works, but the text message saying she was suicidal must surely mean something. Or, reading your post again, it sounds like the comment about committing suicide took place before the injunction was filed?

[SES]

Hi livednlearned... .

The suicidal text came the first day she assaulted me a couple offers ago.  She was offered admission later that week whilst in police custody, but she declined.   She was deemed fit to be interviewed by the police. 

Yes, the injunction probably won't hold her...   She broke the conditions on the second day...    Lawyer thinks she will react badly to it.  Just waiting to see what happens next.   

I'm away for a few days with our kids, and not heard from her at all. 

[maxen]

This is a very worthwhile thread but it has surpassed our limit for posts. Please feel free to begin a new thread for continuation.