The mess of the ending

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I started therapy... .Although I worry she is out if her depth... .It's free and provided by my employer... .So  all good.

Lawyer helpful... .I feel really confident in her... .She had given me a pep talk... .and told me my rights... .I don't feel as scared now... .I have a good case if it turns ugly... .and she has suggested a legal manouvere to consider... .I like her.  She said my situation was messy... .I'm comparison to the rest of her usual cases... .But she thought it played well in our direction.  I'm not going to get screwed.  I'm going to see my kids... .It's hard at present... .But there is light.   

Thanks everyone... .I'll be back for another pep talk without any doubt... .But today... .I'm not feeling too scared, and feel hopeful. (The saga will undoubtedly continue.)

[SES]

I started therapy... .Although I worry she is out if her depth... .It's free and provided by my employer... .So  all good.

Lawyer helpful... .I feel really confident in her... .She had given me a pep talk... .and told me my rights... .I don't feel as scared now... .I have a good case if it turns ugly... .and she has suggested a legal manouvere to consider... .I like her.  She said my situation was messy... .I'm comparison to the rest of her usual cases... .But she thought it played well in our direction.  I'm not going to get screwed.  I'm going to see my kids... .It's hard at present... .But there is light.   

Thanks everyone... .I'll be back for another pep talk without any doubt... .But today... .I'm not feeling too scared, and feel hopeful. (The saga will undoubtedly continue.)

[david]

I went to a few therapists before I found one that was a fit for me. The others were okay but I didn't get that we clicked. Not sure if that makes sense. Once I found one that seemed to get me things went well. It took time to work through things and some of my own self sabotaging beliefs. I remember feeling like I was never going to see our kids or it would be so little time that I would become just another person to them. I thought ex would get everything she originally asked for.

The T helped a lot. This site helped a lot. I emotionally detached and that helped a lot. I learned the rules of the game in court. Those things helped me make better decisions for our boys. Ex hasn't changed much and that makes it so much easier in dealing with her. I put boundaries in place and ex tried to bulldoze through them(extinction burst). I stay firm if the boundary makes sense. I make few boundaries but when I do I have many reasons that are well thought out. I don't react to her anymore. The more boring I become the less fix she gets and things become quieter. This started in 2007 so it wasn't sudden. I made lots of mistakes the first three years as I learned.

It does get better.

[SES]

Last week was a roller-coaster... .  Assaulted twice,  us she stole my legal documents... .  She was arrested and got conviction for assault.   Back in house together... .Just waiting to see what comes next.

[SES]

Also... .It made me review my messages from her over recent months.  She has made death threats... .Someone posted a reply to ma asking if she had ever told me she wanted me to disappear... .Well, I found a text saying just that... .and another hoping I die of a silent asthma attack... .

[david]

How can she live in the same house with someone she was convicted of assaulting ?

[SES]

Good question...  She now has a record for assault... .down to me to seek an injunction against her... .Which I what I have already applied for.  Christmas and new year really slows the legal system though... .

It's fair to say she is unapologetic, and almost righteous in her attitude... . 

I am waiting for the fallout when she receives a summons for a court hearing for the injunction... .At same time I am asking for an injunction telling her to move out... .

This isn't a good Christmas.  

[SES]

Erroneously I thought a police record might curb her behaviour... .Fair to say, it might be worse.  I have to remember to play dead and be bland.   She is baiting,  cruel, and threatening again... .I found myself being drawn into conflict... .

[Sandman1881]

Also... .It made me review my messages from her over recent months.  She has made death threats... .Someone posted a reply to ma asking if she had ever told me she wanted me to disappear... .Well, I found a text saying just that... .and another hoping I die of a silent asthma attack... .

That was me SES. Stay smart and ahead of the curve.

Unbelievable isn't it?

[livednlearned]

Also... .It made me review my messages from her over recent months.  She has made death threats... .Someone posted a reply to ma asking if she had ever told me she wanted me to disappear... .Well, I found a text saying just that... .and another hoping I die of a silent asthma attack... .

I was surprised to learn that in my state, death threats are only noteworthy to law enforcement if they are specific. My ex made threats but according to one cop who answered my call, he said that "I can't wait for you to die" and "You will never see S13 again" and "You'll be sorry for what you did, say good bye to everyone now" is not the same as "I am going to kill you." But given the assault charges and maybe the volume of messages, it might be different where you live.

It's so awful that you had to go through this, SES. If you could graph these high-conflict divorces, our graph, the non-BPD line, starts at the bottom and goes up, slowly but surely, with a few dips, but overall moves up and up in the right direction. But so-called "high-functioning" people with BPD tend to remain disordered and their graph jags up and down, and dips lower and lower over time. As stressful as that is, it ends up making things more promising and manageable for us legally. That really matters when kids are involved.

Sometimes I think the worst thing pwBPD struggle with is impulsivity -- seems so benign to say that, given how awful the consequences of their impulsive actions can be for us. But with my ex, even after the judge slapped a gatekeeping order on him, N/BPDx could not stop himself from making his situation worse. If the judge said don't do this or else you lose legal custody or visitation, N/BPDx did it. That goes to your point about police records curbing behavior. In my experience, pwBPD are so disordered that they cannot check their impulsive behavior, and sabotaging themselves in full view of court is even considered by Bill Eddy (author of Splitting) to be a sign that someone is BPD.

I'm glad you have a lawyer you like, and are seeing a T. Might be worth asking your T if he/she has worked with someone whose spouse is BPD to the degree that your wife is, and go from there. My T told me most of her clientele seems to be people with BPD family members -- I wonder sometimes if codependent people are the cash cow of the therapeutic industry.   She also has several war stories of her own, having been sued twice by clients that were BPD. That made her treat my situation with a sense of urgency and I found her to be action-oriented, which got me to wake up and pay closer attention than I had been.

Do you have a safety plan in place for when your wife finds out about the injunctions? Changing locks, for one. Putting cameras up if you can afford to, having a spare set of keys somewhere you can get to, recording devices, a separate bank account, a place to go if she does something to the house, somewhere for the kids to stay if necessary, etc.

[SES]

Livednlearned... .Thanks...   Police didn't do anything with the threats.

Yes,  she remains unpredictable... . She started the day telling me she has a statement from someone whom I told... . If I can't keep my wife I'm going to kill myself and my kids!   Foolishly I engaged in discussion about this... .Ie. It's not anything I have ever thought, let alone said.  She then threatened to call the police, as she felt threatened by me.  I reminded her I was recording everything,  and said she should ring if she wants... .But she didn't.    She then sent numerous texts wanting to sort out our childcare arrangements,  and asking to talk, to shake hands, move on... .I replied that iwas happy to arrange things by text message... .But she then sent texts saying she was going to think about childcare.

Lawyer thought she wouldn't slip up again... .I can see the impulsiveness today... Felt outfit control again. She is predictably unpredictable... .   I am wondering what next.   No second guessing.  

Changing goal posts, threats, controlling, nasty, lying... .

I was foolish to think a record might moderate things... .Looks as bad as last week.    She still hasn't responded to my lawyer,  or sent divorce papers back to court.   She doesn't pay anything towards the house.   She sees her boyfriend.    She likes to bait me.  I feel controlled in so many ways.  All the spare keys are missing.    I keep valuable documents off site.   I have a safety plan.   Injunction isn't guaranteed... . I feel on the back foot again.

Any suggestions on how to move her towards agreeing our childcare?  I'd quite like to plan for the next week.

I am in my room, avoiding contact, kids come in every now and then... .This is awful... .A living hell... .I am fearful of her.   I was assaulted... .Now I'm in. my room living in fear of her.  

[livednlearned]

Your body -- feeling fear -- is a smart response, and it's good to listen to it.

About getting her to agree to childcare. I never found there was anything that could get my ill, disordered, and sometimes psychotic ex to agree to anything. And when and if he did agree, it meant nothing. What are the specifics of what you need to arrange? Can you break things down into small parts and work on one thing at a time? When I began to see that the grown man I was married to was in fact a young child, it made it easier to try and arrange our lives as though I was the sole adult. The hard part is that these grown ups can drive cars and fool other people into thinking they too are adults.

Until you have some legal protections in place, law enforcement probably cannot do much to prevent your wife from doing what she wants. If you arrange childcare with a babysitter, for example, there is likely not much you can do to prevent her from picking the kids up. If your workplace is supportive, could you go to human resources or whatever department takes care of staffing and schedules and let them know your family is experiencing a crisis, and you need to take care of the kids until things get settled? I told my boss what was happening in the early stages when my marriage began to unravel -- or explode is more like it -- and was shocked to discover this influential strong boss had gone through something similar with her abusive ex husband, right down to fleeing the house with her kids. I learned through therapy that doing things like this is what people mean when they say take care of yourself. Ask for help right now -- you may be surprised to learn that you aren't going through this kind of thing alone.

How are your kids doing right now? Stress and conflict like this often takes a high toll on kids, though they may express it in different ways than adults.

[ForeverDad]

Your body -- feeling fear -- is a smart response, and it's good to listen to it.

About getting her to agree to childcare. I never found there was anything that could get my ill, disordered, and sometimes psychotic ex to agree to anything.

Until you have some legal protections in place, law enforcement probably cannot do much to prevent your wife from doing what she wants. If you arrange childcare with a babysitter, for example, there is likely not much you can do to prevent her from picking the kids up. If your workplace is supportive, could you go to human resources or whatever department takes care of staffing and schedules and let them know your family is experiencing a crisis, and you need to take care of the kids until things get settled? ... .I learned through therapy that doing things like this is what people mean when they say take care of yourself. Ask for help right now -- you may be surprised to learn that you aren't going through this kind of thing alone.

A lot of what she is doing is Extinction Burst.  She sees you setting a new or firmer boundary and her immediate response is to raise the conflict expecting you to appease or retreat back to the old status quo as appeaser, muddy doormat or Whipping Boy.

I recall when my now-ex threatened my life and for the first time I called 911.  Police came, I suspect I was almost carted off but for my preschooler clinging to me and refusing to go to his mother.  (What kid won't go to his mother?)  After they left she was so disrespectful and vindictive, telling me they gave her DV resources, etc.  I knew the marriage was imploding, all I could do was try to survive in one piece so I went ahead and made a police report of what really happened to make me call 911.  She ended up arrested and she never returned to the house, I even offered reconciliation (self-sabotaging behavior) but she refused that.

With it being raised to a new level - court involvement - you are probably permanently rejected as I was.  Her goal is probably to intimidate you enough to coerce you to retreat from your boundaries.  Meanwhile she will do everything she can to make you appear worse than her so whatever else, don't let her baiting you make you react or overreact.  Right now it is especially vital that you be squeaky clean regarding poor behaviors.  No shouting back, no direct or indirect threats, nothing that could be twisted into claimed aggression, threats or attacking.

Likely you will get little or no cooperation from her.  Right now you will get more progress from the court than from her.  Accept that, adjust your strategies accordingly.  Remember, she may be convinced she is the Entitled Grand Authority, but court authority trumps her.

[SES]

Thanks both... .Yes, this isn't going to be pretty... .She took kids out.  No court orders in place, so childminder,  school etc,  will all have to let her have them...   I just want shared cared of kids... .they need their mum... .I  don't want to deny them their mum or her the kids... .   

Police record has upped anti... .Friend pointed out she is baiting... .I'm going to try to be ultra bland.  And keep recording, backing up, recording,  backing up... .etc.

It is helpful to remember how many people go through this... .   I tried an emergency injunction this week... .But no joy... .Judge said she needed to be present to give her side... .He then said that things would get better... .in the long run... .And that i appeared to have a strong case... .I might ask lawyer to represent me at the hearing when it comes round... .save me having to argue with my wife in court.   Might be money well spent. 




In the meantime,  head down, watching movies. 

Kids seem ok... .Although recently I have heard them say liar a lot... .something my wife calls me.  I am still surprised how convincing she can seem when she lies... .disagree and she keeps going... .louder and louder... .But the lies flow freely... .And to many will  seem convincing... .She managed to get her sister to ring a relative of mine and tell her I was a risk of killing myself and the kids.      I think her sister is convinced!   It is a lie, that having been told so many times. Too so many people... .Almost sounds believable... .Except it is a rather hurtful lie... .

Why didn't I recognise this over the fourteen years... .Have I been brain washed? 

[livednlearned]

Why didn't I recognise this over the fourteen years... .Have I been brain washed?  

It seems like people who tolerate this level of abuse were subjected to something similar as kids. We learn intimacy from family, and what we learn, whether it's abusive or not, becomes normal. You may not be able to spot abuse when it runs throughout your family, not until it gets into the red zone when you become married to someone abusive. So when abuse surfaces in marriage, it only becomes noticeable when it escalates. Many people here are conflict-avoidant, though not all. Being conflict avoidant tends to equal soft boundaries, and people with BPD are either drawn to that, or we are the only people who will tolerate them, I don't know.

I didn't recognize how serious my situation was until the final year. The cognitive dissonance stopped working   and I think that happened because I started to talk to a therapist, and eventually confided to a friend. Then colleagues at work. It became more and more difficult to hide it from myself, that something was seriously wrong.

So brainwashing? Perhaps. But likely something tricky was going on in your childhood that made you primed for an abusive marriage. I don't have BPD parents, but a father with narcissistic traits. He trained me so well -- I believed that he loved me when I didn't complain about the physical abuse from my uBPD brother. I learned that being loved = tolerating abuse. If I complained, it upset the covert narcissism of our family, that we were perfect. That script was exactly what later played out in my marriage, although the level of pain and suffering was a magnitude worse because N/BPDx was a fall-down drunk, and we had a son together. I somehow managed to tolerate the abuse when it was directed to me, but when I saw my son become the target, that was the canary in the coal mine. It was so shocking how my son was transferring our family dynamic to his peer dynamics. I saw how this stuff gets passed on to the next generation. Fortunately (or not?) N/BPDx became crazier and crazier and there was no way to pretend it wasn't happening anymore. I could not travel for work because I feared what would happen to my son while I was gone.

You may learn over the years that kids need a healthy mother, and their mom is anything but that. Your job will be to help them make sense of her, why she is the way she is, and to help them develop into healthy adults despite a disordered, mentally ill mother. My son's father lost custody and visitation, and I wonder about this. Does he need his dad? Yes. But not the sick one that exists now. It's a different kind of grieving, but at least I am not working against that toxicity. There will be grieving, as anyone would feel upon losing a parent. There won't be serious damage to his sense of self, though. My son's teachers comment on how well he knows who he is, that he has insights into himself well beyond his years. He is still struggling, but no more than I did in my 40s in many ways. My hope is that he will sort this out before his peers do, often in their 20s, and that he will manage to avoid having a dysfunctional abusive relationship like his parents.

When your kids call you a liar, ask them why they think that. Get them to focus on what it is about. A really fantastic book to read to help you help them is Power of Validation, written for parenting. Your wife is beginning to try and alienate them and you can be a step ahead of this stuff if you have tools in place. If you defend yourself, it's a slippery slope. But if you get them to reflect on what they think, where the thoughts come from, often it goes back to garbage, and only they can learn to determine who is telling the truth. Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak is also very good -- get ahead of the parental alienation as much as you can. There is often a battle for custody, and a battle for the hearts and minds of the kids. You need to address both, and both of those books will help. I also liked Don't Alienate the Kids by Bill Eddy. Those three books were like magic potions for me when N/BPDx began to really lay on the parental alienation.

[Panda39]

It's so easy to get sucked in I know. 

It begins as something small and you take it, you can deal with it, you can fix it, you can take care of it, you can ignore it, you don't speak up. You know he loves you and means well.

Then those little things happen over and over and you take it, you can deal with it, you can fix it, you can take care of it, you can ignore it and you don't speak up. You know he loves you the pain he caused wasn't intentional.

Then something big happens and you take it, you can deal with it, you can fix it, you can take care of it, you can ignore it and you don't speak up. You know he loves you now something so big has happened that he will finally realize he needs to get help... .but doesn't.

Then something happens and it's just the way it is, it's normal, and you don't know that you should speak up. He throws knives at you (I get slapped) but you know he loves you.

It is an insidious process.

Hi SES,

Above is a quote of mine from another thread.  I'm on this website because my boyfriend has an uBPDxw.  However, I have my own history.  Part of that history is an abusive boyfriend (verbal, emotional & physical).  Knowing what I know now I suspect he is BPD.

The above quote comes from a discussion about abuse and the things we tell ourselves.  Is it brainwashing? No it's abuse. It's us trying to keep the peace, us trying to make nonsense make sense, us trying to fix what is broken... .us twisiting ourselves into pretzels trying to make it okay for that other person... .abuse.

Panda

P.S. I'm glad you've stayed with us 

[SES]

Panda and livednlearned... .Thanks for sharing your personal experiences ... . I recognise my mother in my wife at times...  I realise my mother was a cruel, manipulative,  lying, cheating bully... .Probably had BPD... .I see my dad in me... .Quiet, keeping peace, down trodden, undervalued,  stable... .Almost not present... .Only able to get to know him when he is on his own... .   

I wonder if her lying works like brainwashing... . Some corkers recently... . Almost convincing... .If I didn't know the truth.

I'm hoping the kids  will eventually see through her... .Like my wife did with her BPD mother... .

Panda... .I'm really glad I found this website... .And really glad for the support... .it means a lot when times are so hard... .It gives me one more thing to hold on to.   Thank you.

[Panda39]

I wonder if her lying works like brainwashing... .  Some corkers recently... .  Almost convincing... .If I didn't know the truth.

What you are describing is gaslighting.  There are many posts on the subject, I've pulled a couple and you can do your own just search "gaslighting"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229703.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=59305.0

[SES]

Yes, Gaslighting... .


The big one she is pushing is that i have thoughts of killing myself and my children... .  She even had her sister ring a relative of mine and suggest this... .apparently she has a witness statement from someone I told this too... .

Gaslighting... .  It sure is abuse... .and I'm sure she wants a reaction... .

It's quite evil... .I'm am sick of hearing this lie, over and over again... .

Time to switch off from what she is saying... .And her baiting... .

Are all BPD exs this awful? 

[livednlearned]

Yes, Gaslighting... .


The big one she is pushing is that i have thoughts of killing myself and my children... .  She even had her sister ring a relative of mine and suggest this... .apparently she has a witness statement from someone I told this too... .

Gaslighting... .  It sure is abuse... .and I'm sure she wants a reaction... .

It's quite evil... .I'm am sick of hearing this lie, over and over again... .

Time to switch off from what she is saying... .And her baiting... .

Are all BPD exs this awful? 

It probably seems hard to imagine right now, but at a certain point you might be able to see that gaslighting is something we allow others to do to us, more than something others do to us. If that makes sense. The reason it's so hard to explain to others what is happening is that for the most part, many of us do not go through life defining emotional health one way or another. Emotional illiteracy. Don't talk about your feelings, don't express them, don't ask for help, don't express weakness. So then, when there is a BPD spouse wreaking havoc, we have to overcome this tremendous ignorance about what it means to be emotionally healthy. BPD is about emotional dysregulation, and if you study the root causes, it will teach you what emotional health means. Profound lessons ahead, when you are ready to look it square in the eye.

Once you start piecing together what it means for you, many relationships will begin to change, starting with how you see yourself and how you treat yourself.  It's not for the weak, this work. But worthwhile, and life changing.

I know what you mean when you ask whether all BPDs are this awful. I'm at a point now (again, 4 years out, an eternity it feels when I look back to the trauma) where it is less about me = good, BPDx = awful, and more about the dynamic that made our relationship possible. What is in my control to change? What was it about me that this dynamic was possible? Would everyone react the same in my shoes? Sometimes I think of BPD as a boundary disorder. My ex crashed and trampled boundaries, and I had barely any boundaries to trample. I had to do lots of work on fear, obligation, guilt and learning to have boundaries, to be assertive.

You can change the family script you are working with. It will be painful, but you and your kids can reset to healthy. A legacy if ever there was one. 

[SES]

Livednlearned... .

Thanks... .Do you have any suggestions how to combat her allegations which she will probably throw up in court?   Esp... .that i have thoughts of killing myself and my kids?  She has spun that to family,  friends,  the police,  her lawyer already.   

[SES]

Livednlearned... .

I appreciate your wisdom... Four years on, must seem a lifetime... .I can't even see four days on... .let alone four weeks on.

She assaulted me last week, when she got arrested I took my kids away from it all.  I tried to get am emergency injunction,  but wasn't successful... .I ended up going back home for Christmas with the kids.  I left her with the kids on Christmas day... .She has tried to bait me in conversation,  at one point threatened to call the police... .Although it was me just assertively disagreeing with her Gaslighting... .Plus I record everything... .So have all the evidence the police would need.   She didn't call them... .She continues to want to talk.  I decline,  stating we should communicate via text... .She wanted to arrange our childcare... .But the last two days is refusing to plan or agree anything...

To avoid conflict I am staying in my room... .My kids are downstairs with her... .the kids come up and see me  now and then.   I feel trapped... .I don't want to go out as she will use that against me... .I don't want to go downstairs as it will lead to baiting,  cruelty etc.   I don't want to talk to her... .She is itching for a fight. 

I am really unsure what to do.   Any suggestions?    She accuses me of harassing her for asking  what our childcare arrangements will be. 

She is annoyed she got a police caution... .And is aware I have applied for an injunction.   And annoyed I took the kids away when she got arrested. 

I feel trapped... .Anyone with any suggestions?   thanks for any advice.

[SES]

Plus... .Just minor annoyance... .When I take a shower she uninstals my amazon movie account on my tv... .Two days in a row... .and I seem to have a lot less clothes recently... .

Torture, and nothing I can do about it... .

I know this will pass... .Impotence sure she has returned the divorce papers... .She is calling all the shots... .I'm not sure what to do

   

[livednlearned]

I know she seems all-powerful to you right now, and any time you are near someone who repeatedly assaults is dangerous. But her claims that you are going to kill yourself is not likely to go anywhere in court. Whereas your claims that she is a danger to you and herself are founded. The documentation that her behavior is seriously unstable can be documented, whereas her claims cannot.

Two things to keep in mind. One is that courts tends to think initially that high-conflict divorces or custody battles are the result of two troubled people. Your job is to document her behavior, and make good choices from now until your hearing so that she cannot back up any of her false allegations. You have to show the court that you are not troubled. In practical terms, that means you have to see her as a very troubled child, and regard everything she does as such. Her allegations are ridiculous, and you suggest a solution to deal with this behavior until you can restore some stability in your home. Maybe the solution is hospitalization, it's hard to say. If you have a good L, your L will be assertive and show that her behavior is a danger to her, to you, and to the kids. Your L will point out that her allegations are unfounded, and if anything, there is more concern that she will kill herself.

The second thing is that courts tend to care about the kids. The adult behavior, if it is severe, will matter. But only insofar as it affects the kids. So you need to make choices that show you understand that. If your ex is being abusive or negligent to the kids, don't hesitate to protect them. Your actions have to show that you will protect them from her at any moment. Otherwise, when the custody hearing takes place, you will both look like troubled parents and the judge will split things accordingly. You need to show that you are the responsible, steady, stable parent with good judgment.

There is a third thing -- it sounds like you are in a different country than the US. The process might be different, although the basic legal customs are probably similar. It's good to find out how things work where you live. But here, if neither side has a lot of documentation, judges will rule one way or another even if its based on sheer emotional reasoning. It's not like a criminal case. That's why it's so important to have as much documentation as possible. Your wife is going to lie, and have no documentation, and you need to demonstrate the opposite of what she says is true. You might do that through a deposition, or witness testimony, or video recording, or medical subpoenas of her records.

About your amazon movie account. Can you change the password? And when she goes out, maybe go to the hardware store and get a new doorknob with a lock and key. My ex began locking me out of the house regularly. I would go out to get something from my car and boom, he would lock me out. So I set up a storage locker that had an extra set of things I might need. I had spare keys outside, a separate purse, I even had a separate phone and credit card. I understand the head space you are in right now, and I'm sorry you're going through this  :'( but you have to find the strength and take extra measures to protect yourself right now until you are no longer living in the same house with her.

About the childcare arrangements. Assume that you are in charge, and that she is a child. Have a plan that covers childcare. It might mean hiring a babysitter to be available to get the kids, and then pay the babysitter anyway, even if your ex shows up. Or plan to get the kids 15 minutes later after daycare or school ends, and pay whomever is there the extra if your wife does not go pick them up. If she doesn't show, you will pick them up, etc.

You feel overwhelmed and beaten down and want life to run as though your wife is mentally stable. Unfortunately, yearning for normal will not make normal happen. You're going to go through a really challenging time for a period until this drama can be settled, and until then, you'll be working overtime -- mentally, emotionally, and physically. It will end, though. You're going to make it. From my perspective, which is only one person, you have more going for you than many people here. Her history and the degree of documentation you have is more than what most people are working with here. The key is to make sure you maintain strength and don't let her mental illness make you feel like the one who is crazy. 

[SES]

Thanks livednlearned... .

It sounds like you had a living hell at one point.   You are right... . I need to remember that she now has a criminal record for domestic violence.   And copies of texts, messages, and recordings of somethings. I'm probably in a stronger position as a result... . I'm not rising to her... .Although I started to yesterday... .I'm now saying only communicate via text message, rather than talk to her. She seems arrogant and cheerful... .Probably because I have become a hermit... . I'll try the courts again on Monday for emergency injunction... .I'll take legal advice about her demands, inability to negotiate our childcare fir next week and next few weeks, and also because she new says i can't take the kids away for new year.    

I have to dig deep...  I'll get another lock next week.  I have cash in the boot of my car, and places to stay if required.  A spare phone is a good idea.   I'll get one ASAP.

Lawyer suggested staying away until injunction hearing... .But as no guarantees I came home with kids... . Hindsight is great... .The            shot across the bows didn't steady things ashore... .just made them worse... .At least I can see that... .And can plan ahead... .Lawyer felt she was unlikely to slip up again... . But the injunction turned into a mess... .So had to plan based on a bad hand of cards.

What sort of things kept you strong?

Hopefully taking them away after her arrest shows I'll protect them... . I'm not sure how I can get her (the child)  to be reasonable regarding our childcare... .Although a letter from my  lawyer might help matters... .

You have been helpful... . There will a bright future... .

It is about rewriting my families history... . Breaking the cycle where my dad failed... .I can show my kids a different life... .and I'll give them stability... .One day they'll understand things better... .and will be able to decide what they want to do... .what path they want.    

[livednlearned]

What sort of things kept you strong?

Therapy. I didn't find this site until I was a year out of the house, but this place also gave me strength. My ex is a former trial attorney, and I was terrified he would crush me in court. Losing my son to him would've been devastating. So I was motivated to stay strong for my son, and my therapist helped me. Then here.

First T wasn't good at all. I ended up finding one who was action-oriented and that made a big difference. She gave me homework  and was so astute and perceptive, everything kept coming true that she predicted, so I began to trust her. And she recommended my L, who turned out to be great, plus the T my son eventually saw. I also let my boss and colleagues at work support me. They carried me through the day to day stuff, and while I did lose quite a few friends, the good ones who stayed became even closer. That was hard for me because I used to have this persona that I was the fixer rescuer, the strong one, never weak. I had to let that go and be vulnerable, and people responded with incredible warmth and kindness. I did become estranged from my dad and brother though. Once you start taking care of yourself, being assertive, setting boundaries, finding your voice, the more fragile people in your life will become nervous. They need you to stay weak, and that just isn't how it goes once you start paying attention to emotional health. And my custody battle went on for quite a while, and N/BPDx had a psychotic episode that nearly broke me. My son was there during regular visitation when N/BPDx lost his mind, and sent me over 100 IMs, emails, voicemails, text messages. He made threats leading me to think he was going to kill our son and then himself  :'(

But thinking about your question more deeply... .the thing that really anchored me through all this is the question I began to ask: what does it mean to raise an emotionally healthy child? You cannot answer that question when you yourself are not emotionally healthy, so I had to figure it out for myself in order to help guide S13. I read about validation and that was a game changer. At 9, my son was beginning to show signs of severe distress. He talked about not wanting to live, stabbed a kid in his class with a pencil, was crawling under his desk, and I was at a loss. When he talked about not wanting to live, I used to say, "I love you, people love you, you're a great kid." And I learned instead to validate his feelings, and say, "You must feel so sad to say that. Did something happen today that makes you sad?" And that simple change began the road to recovery for him. We still have challenges -- he's 13 after all -- but overall I started to parent my son in a healthy way, and that had an effect on parenting myself.

I never thought about it like that until you asked the question, so thank you. 

A couple of times I did really break down, and while that seems the opposite of "being strong" it actually was key. You do not always have to be strong, SES. Sometimes, sobbing for hours is what you need to do to create deep and true resilient strength. You sorta have to let go of what it means to be strong, and think more about what it means to be resilient. Your kids will learn from you.

[Panda39]

There will a bright future... .

It is about rewriting my families history... . Breaking the cycle where my dad failed... .I can show my kids a different life... .and I'll give them stability... .One day they'll understand things better... .and will be able to decide what they want to do... .what path they want.    

With everything going on I know it will be hard to keep the above in the front of your mind but it is very true.  You will discover strength you didn't know you had, you will discover what a great dad you are, you will discover incredible friends you have, you will discover your own power.

One day in the future you will create that healthy alternate universe for your kids and they will see where the dysfunction is and you will have the skills to help them cope with that.

I've watched my honey go through this.  He's just had a lovely 2 weeks with his kids and an awesome Christmas and now it's off to spend a week in a hotel room (evicted 3 times no one will rent to her) with their mom before she heads off to court for 2 felony charges against her for check fraud on Friday.  Who do you think those girls see as their parent? And where would they be without him? 

Always keep your kids in mind... .they may not even know it but they need you desperately.

[david]

I went to three or four therapist until I found one that fit for me.

Learning to listen and validate the kids was the best thing I ever did for our kids. I did it before she left but I got much better after. I no longer was worrying about what ex would do if I did such and such. I didn't even realize I was doing it until she left and I was still worrying. When I realized what I was doing I began to change back to the person I was before.

[SES]

Thanks David, Panda and livednlearned... .

She does feel all powerful... .Very powerful...  I feel a bit better, as i have resolved to return to court seeking an injunction armed with paperwork prepared by a domestic violence charity.     The paperwork came to me too late for the court hearing I had last week... .But I have managed to print them off in secret... .And feel inspired to try the courts again.

Livednlearned... . She has been quite difficult in arranging childcare... . there has been a sudden change... .Who knows why... .

Anyway... . I feel a little less powerless... .And keen for tomorrow to arrive... .A court order will help with boundaries... .I'm brushing my suit off... .Head shaved, beard trimmed... .Found a tie...  If I don't try, I'll never know... .

Another thing that has helped me is my insistence not to talk, but communicate via text... .Makes me feel more comfortable,  and little risk of baiting... .She's not happy... .But better for all concerned... .Including kids

Wish me luck!  

[livednlearned]

 

Taking small steps to take care of yourself is how it starts, and then you look up one day and realize you're whole again.

For people with BPD, feelings = facts. Imagine if every time you had a feeling, you arranged the facts to fit. You feel afraid, so then you have to find a fact to support it. Very opposite from how non-disordered people go through the world. That's why detaching and being bland helps, like doing things only by text. She cannot feed off your reactions and whip things into a frenzy when her supporting actor is not on the set.   

Don't confuse being bland with being passive, tho. Being bland is about managing your emotions, and being assertive is about taking actions to care for yourself and the kids.

She is not all powerful, SES. You may lose some friends in all this, and your kids will be hurt, and you may find yourself in court hearing outrageous lies, and that awful feeling when total strangers are sizing you up based on what amounts to BS. But she is not all powerful. It's the best feeling when you really see the disorder from a healthy perspective. You'll get there 

[Panda39]

Wishing you well with court.  You should be proud of yourself for taking a shot at it, I know how hard it is to do something like this when you are feeling overwhelmed but I think it is the right thing to do.

Keep us posted.

Sending you a good luck hug