The mess of the ending

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've posted on the new members board already.   Apologies for anyone who knows about this already.

Married for almost 11 years, together for almost 14 years.  

She had an affair... . We tried to work on it in couples counselling, but she carried on her affair,  and was caught out.  She decided it is over.  She lives with me, and our two kids, in the house we own

... while we try to sell up.  Since the affair came out the second time... .Things have been absolutely terrible.  :)espite her continuing her relationship with the man she had the affair with.

I work in mental health field... .She appears to have BPD to me and all of my colleagues.   Manipulation, dysregulation, anger, very angry, lack of empathy,  lies, twisting the truth, asking if I have poisoned her tea, telling me she would murder me if she could get away with it, berating me, baiting me, saying... .'you're angry because I have another man's xxxx inside me'... .

Well, I am now beginning to wonder what the last 14 years were about... .where truth lies, and lies began.

I have been suspicious of an affair more than once in the past... .I now wonder if I was right.  She claims this to be her first... .But has always accused me of being awkward regarding male friends in the past... .Perhaps... . I can't remember I ever was... .Now I wonder if this was just her trying to get me off her trail.  Pointless to dwell on it I know... But it has left so many questions... . Even worry if one of my kids is mine... .

Currently she is staying a lot of the time with her boyfriend... . But is on at least four dating websites... .Which leads me to think she has done this for a long time... . She seems to be looking to jump ship again... .I know there is no point in ruminations.


She has been so bitter and angry... .She appears to despise me... .want to hurt me... .Push me... .Control me... .There seems little I can do other than keep my head down... .Plus, I now worry that there is a chance I'm not the biological dad to one of my kids.

Utter despair... . I know it will get better.  I'm not as depressed as I was.   I feel so let down.

[SES]

I've posted on the new members board already.   Apologies for anyone who knows about this already.

Married for almost 11 years, together for almost 14 years.  

She had an affair... . We tried to work on it in couples counselling, but she carried on her affair,  and was caught out.  She decided it is over.  She lives with me, and our two kids, in the house we own

... while we try to sell up.  Since the affair came out the second time... .Things have been absolutely terrible.  :)espite her continuing her relationship with the man she had the affair with.

I work in mental health field... .She appears to have BPD to me and all of my colleagues.   Manipulation, dysregulation, anger, very angry, lack of empathy,  lies, twisting the truth, asking if I have poisoned her tea, telling me she would murder me if she could get away with it, berating me, baiting me, saying... .'you're angry because I have another man's xxxx inside me'... .

Well, I am now beginning to wonder what the last 14 years were about... .where truth lies, and lies began.

I have been suspicious of an affair more than once in the past... .I now wonder if I was right.  She claims this to be her first... .But has always accused me of being awkward regarding male friends in the past... .Perhaps... . I can't remember I ever was... .Now I wonder if this was just her trying to get me off her trail.  Pointless to dwell on it I know... But it has left so many questions... . Even worry if one of my kids is mine... .

Currently she is staying a lot of the time with her boyfriend... . But is on at least four dating websites... .Which leads me to think she has done this for a long time... . She seems to be looking to jump ship again... .I know there is no point in ruminations.


She has been so bitter and angry... .She appears to despise me... .want to hurt me... .Push me... .Control me... .There seems little I can do other than keep my head down... .Plus, I now worry that there is a chance I'm not the biological dad to one of my kids.

Utter despair... . I know it will get better.  I'm not as depressed as I was.   I feel so let down.

[LeftSidePain]

I love our kids.  Im a great dad.

I went/am going through the same.

I purchased a Paternity test from a local drug store. It cost roughly $30 and the testing facility charged me $100. I had the results in 10 days. They WILL NOT hold up in court cases. You can purchase them from Amazon if necessary.

If you do purchase one make sure the swabs separated and dried with in the small envelopes before placing them in the main envelope to send out to the facility. If possible place them in plastic baggies then put them in the small envelope. You will understand what I mean if you go this route.

Thankfully it came back 99.998% my child. This was a huge burden off my shoulders as I didn't want to break my family up even more. If it had came back showing my youngest wasn't mine I would have had to have the court system prove paternity.

[downwhim]

Borderlines can be so evil and lack empathy. My  goes out to you. It helps to post.

[Sandman1881]

Stay strong SES. I'm spinning along with you. Pray for the best and expect better. We all deserve it.

Never felt so alone and isolated. I was starved for attention then, she's off doing her new life and I'm just trying to keep my eyeballs strait. Talk about a cross to bare.

Blessings***

I was looking forward to Christmas.

[SES]

Sandman... .

Thanks again for your strength... You too?  I'm not looking forward to Christmas this year either... .I hadn't though I was worth so little

... .gave her everything... .  Loved her... .Clearly it wasn't live for her... .She has her boyfriend,  and is on other Internet dating sites! 

[Mutt]

SES,

Is your L familiar with High Conflict Personalities (HCP) and BPD? Have you read Bill Eddy's book? Is she familiar with his work?

Splitting Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist by William A. ("Bill" Eddy, Esq

[SES]

Hi Mutt.  What is an L? Thanks, SES.

[Mutt]

Sorry. It's short for lawyer.

[SES]

Thanks... .L. Hasn't come across a situation as venomous or extreme as this...    She has been really helpful.  L is in a large firm.  I am still reeling from my wife's conduct.  Every day there is conflict and control.  My wife hasn't instructed a lawyer,  and berates me for,taking legal advice. This is hard times.

[Mutt]

Thanks... .L. Hasn't come across a situation as venomous or extreme as this...    She has been really helpful.  L is in a large firm.  I am still reeling from my wife's conduct.  Every day there is conflict and control.  My wife hasn't instructed a lawyer,  and berates me for,taking legal advice. This is hard times.

I understand. Divorcing a person with a personality disorder is the big leagues in divorce. If you synchronize with her well I suggest you both get a copy of the book.

Here's Bill Eddy's site.

www.highconflictinstitute.com/

[SES]

Thanks for the suggestion... . Yes, this is big league interns of conflict... . I continue to face rage if I don't respond to her the way she wants.  She continues to suggest I am mentally unstable... .She hasn't told me she wants to kill me for over a week... .She continues to contact me frequently,  yesterday 14 texts and calls... .And is livid when I don't respond.  I'm not willing to speak to her on the phone, as there is a high risk of conflict,  which she turns to blame on me.   She appears cheerful outwardly,  although easy to anger, saying awful things, and doing some extreme things, like hacking/checking my phone (now never left unattended),  deleting a file from my memory stick which contained a log of events, accusing me of being in a relationship (far from it... .But she is), saying provocative things like 'you are unhappy because I have another man's xxxx inside me', demanding to know what I spend my money on... .Berating me on every personal level

She had the affair, she said it was over, we went to three months marriage counselling,  she got caught out as it wasn't over, she wants to leave me for him... . Surely she should be happy... .But is she? ... Plus she is on at least four dating websites... .But she says she loves him... .

I am just really hurt... .Plus our young kids are caught up in this chaos

[Mutt]

I continue to face rage if I don't respond to her the way she wants.  She continues to suggest I am mentally unstable... .She hasn't told me she wants to kill me for over a week... .She continues to contact me frequently,  yesterday 14 texts and calls... .And is livid when I don't respond.  I'm not willing to speak to her on the phone, as there is a high risk of conflict,  which she turns to blame on me.

Your defending your boundaries. Boundaries of steel to keep this out. Keep at it - this will simmer down. Talk your L or local enforcement agency with death threats.  It sounds to me you should consider a restraining order. This is mental illness a serious personality disorder.

Extinction bursts where I bolded your text.

Extinction Bursts - Important to Understand when your Loved One has BPD.

We all know that life is a journey and that it’s important to have focus and objectives. This can become difficult if the person "traveling" with us has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  Because of the associated impulsiveness, hypersensitivity, and dysfunctional coping, people with this disorder often "wander off the path". And we often feel compelled to chase after and cater to them, which, in turn, diverts our focus and often results in anxiety, abuse, and dysfunction for everyone.

According to bpdfamily.com, extinguishing this pattern isn’t easy, yet it is an essential first step in having a healthy relationship.  Taking care of ourselves may feel like a selfish focus - but as the emotionally healthier one, it’s important  that we not get bogged down in BPD induced dramas.  And it's important that we understand that our BPD loved ones aren’t mentally fit to be leading the relationship.

So what do we do?   When the person with Borderline Personality Disorder becomes dysregulated or depressed. bpdfamily.com recommends that you give them the space to self sooth - not try to do it for them.  Take a deep breath and politely and non-aggressively disengage. It’s not easy to block out the distraction and emotional pleas for our attention, yet it is only with a critical pause that we can really stay on a constructive and healthy pathway.

This act is called extinction. We essentially remove our reinforcement in an attempt to stop the  behavior. We simply stop rewarding the behavior.

When our partner doesn’t get the expected response (reinforcement by us) it may scare or anger them and they may try harder to  engage us using threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get us to engage.   This escalation is know as an extinction burst.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

saying provocative things like 'you are unhappy because I have another man's xxxx inside me', demanding to know what I spend my money on... .Berating me on every personal level

She had the affair, she said it was over, we went to three months marriage counselling,  she got caught out as it wasn't over, she wants to leave me for him... . Surely she should be happy... .But is she? ... Plus she is on at least four dating websites... .But she says she loves him... .

I am just really hurt... .Plus our young kids are caught up in this chaos

She's trying to push your buttons with provocations.

Scorched earth.

She feels a lot of guilt and shame, she knows what she did. Her abandonment fears of triggered. At the center of the disorder is a narcissistic injury, abandonment, abandonment fears, the core wound of abandonment. She fears abandonment perceived or real.

I'm a dad with (3) young kids.

Affairs really hurt. It's tough. I can relate.

How old are your kids? Are they with mom or dad

This chaos shall pass

[SES]

Mutt,

Thanks... .Wise words... .

It's hard when I get caught up in it

... .today 42 texts, and 2 calls because I didn't and rescue her when her car broke down... . Weird how she thinks I'd do that after the death threats... .Anyway... .hard not to get sucked in... .it abated probably due to her going to sleep.

My kids are 7 and 4... .We are all in the same house whilst we wait to sell... .Hard as I have to watch her leave to go to her boyfriends for 3 or 4 nights a week... .He described himself as a frequent user if drugs on his dating website... .Wonderful... .

There are good times ahead...

.

I know I have to keep my head down, and avoid getting drawn out... .

I know I won't be able to find resolution or answers in this mess...

I have months ahead of cohabitation in all likelihood

... .Things will get worse when the house sells.


And worse when we split our possessions.

But, calmer water lie ahead.

I am grateful for being able to use this site.

 Helps to connect with others with shared experience... .

I started counselling today... .Talking about it with a stranger makes me realise the enormity of it... .Ie. Death threats,  abuse etc

... and how hard it will be to soon be without my kids every day... .and to embrace the loss of my wife, life as it was, etc... New beginnings though... .Happier times ahead.  Without her, I'll have more stability... .

And will always have my kids.  

[SES]

Suckered in... .And sucked in again... .A big push away thus morning,  with some rage thrown in... .Followed by a pull... ."I'm heartbroken by what is happening "  what do you mean? I say... .Back to being pulled back in... ."I don't known what I am feeling"  "I miss you"... .Back to discussing what she is feeling, wants... .I almost forgot she left me for someone else... .And all the hurt of the last few weeks... .

I'm reeling from being a sucker yet again... .But hey ho... .I need to go back to firm boundaries again... .  I felt less depressed and more in control than the last few hours... .

 

[Sandman1881]

Suckered in... .And sucked in again... .A big push away thus morning,  with some rage thrown in... .Followed by a pull... ."I'm heartbroken by what is happening "  what do you mean? I say... .Back to being pulled back in... ."I don't known what I am feeling"  "I miss you"... .Back to discussing what she is feeling, wants... .I almost forgot she left me for someone else... .And all the hurt of the last few weeks... .

I'm reeling from being a sucker yet again... .But hey ho... .I need to go back to firm boundaries again... . I felt less depressed and more in control than the last few hours... .

 

It's hard to resist someone we love. But you know the truth now and you can make better, more informed decisions. I had nearly no idea what was going on and was sucker punched. Both literally and figuratively. One week massage oil and engagement rings, the next I was trying to get comfortable and sleeping in my car. You have to cut the cord and get her gone. I'm sorry, but it may be the only way for you will be able to regroup and maintain your sanity. I suggest she moves in with the boyfriend and see how that goes over. If not, get her a temp living space until the house is sold. It may be the best money you ever spent. Please remember what I said about your safety. Have you spoken to the local police Domestic Violence unit? It might be a good place to start. Remove the third leg and the table will fall.

Try physical separation for 2 weeks and you all might begin to see things more clearly and really start to heal from your family crisis.

My prayer are with you and yours. Be well and be safe.


Be extremely cautious of any potential set-up situations. I don't mean to sound suspicious but how can I not?

I started therapy today as well. It's surely a blessing.

[Mutt]

The key to stop this push / pull behavior is to put a system in place.

Boundaries of steel. It's stressful when these boundaries keep getting tested with relentless calls, texts etc.

I've been there.

No contact to stop the push / pull behavior.

This takes time SES and many members have gone through this. It helps to talk. It helps to talk to a T.

Boundaries, No Contact, therapy and group therapy. Radio silence with her and talk to a T and members that share similar experiences.

This is the most difficult part. These extinction bursts will fade. Call the cops with the death threats.

There are good times ahead...

I like this. It's true. It reminds me of a quote... .

The hope is there. The sun is rising. Our best days are yet to come. -Senator John Kerry

There is hope SES. Hang in there.

[shellsh0cked]

Yes...  a supportive female lawyer, who has concerns about my wife's behaviour.  Currently my wife tells me frequently that i am mentally unstable... and that i shouldn't have the kids, and that i might even kill myself and the kids... .I have a well managed depression... .Congruent with the loss, threats, and abuse I am experiencing.   No doubt this is the worst part of my life.   I know good times are ahead.  I love our kids.  Im a great dad.

This is mirroring... .projection.  These things are HER... .not you.  She is pushing them on you so she doesn't have to admit anything about herself... .My xuBPDgf told me that I was narcissitic... .a horrible person.  Unfaithful (though she slept with numerous others after fights), disrespectful (eyeing other women including her mother!   ) and that I needed to see a therapist for "my issues".

Been away from her now for 2 years.  It was rough for a period... .Her path continues on same as today from what I hear, and she makes no changes to her life... .and it STILL sucks.  I know I was NOT the problem without a doubt... .It takes time to get over it, but you will... .you will get over all the lies she told you... .about her... .and the ones she told you about YOURSELF that you maybe even believe a little... .and you will see it for what it was and move on.  Those lies eat at you because they cause doubt about what you know about yourself to be true... .that you ARE a good person... .and a good dad.   My current girlfriend of a year (and my damn best friend) loves and respects me and is not abusive to me like my ex.  Hang in there man... .you will laugh about it eventually and how ridiculous some of those things were.  Know WHO you are and don't forget it.  Instead?  Forget HER... .

[SES]

Mutt, Shellshocked, Sandman.

... .Again, help and support when needed... .  I find it enormously therapeutic to write things here... .and know that others have an interest... .

Yes, lots of mirroring and projection... .I even wonder if saying she felt heartbroken might have been mirroring too.

... if you are heartbroken you don't behave this way!

I felt pulled in... .Although the benefit was it has been a calm 24 hours at home... .Probably the best in seven weeks... .A lot less stressful... .She keeps saying she hopes  we can be friends... .I really don't think so... .I realise that detachment is the only way... .Problem lies in that we cohabit... .We have both been advised by lawyers not to leave the house... .it's our only asset and has lots of equity... .Lawyer tell me at all costs stay calm and stay in house... .  Selling will be a problem otherwise.

She keeps telling me she thinks I have a girlfriend... .  Bizarre thing is,  I can't think of anything I want less at the moment... .Plus, if I had I wouldn't tell her... .Her reaction would be severe... .

I have discussed threats with a domestic violence charity... .I went to a walk in... .It's a women's charity... .They were really helpful... .They felt she was practising scorched earth... .Advised keeping records.   Same with my lawyer.

She is back to saying shared care with kids... .Which is what I want... .Surely only timed till she changes her mind.

I asked her about whether she had affairs before... .She initially declined to talk about it, then denied... .  Can safely assume she has.

She wanted to be closer yesterday... .  Probably just manipulating me to meet her needs, requirements in some way.  Having said that, things were calmer than ever in thus debacle... .Pulled in, heartstrings pulled, but calmer... .Hard to know what is best... .  I am mindful now that i am dealing with an expert lier and manipulator... .  I'm almost like sleeping with one eye open... .Aware that all is not right... . 

No contact will be the ideal...   Still in same house with kids... .So hard to practice... .

I work in mental health field... ., dealing with BPD is so much easier at work... .Boundaries... .Compassion... .  Seeing behaviours more clearly... .  At home it is harder... .this is the woman I married and had kids with... .

A therapist at work suggested another tack... ."be a smiling assassin, do what to takes to get to the end of the day, keep boat steady... .But remember the end goal... .Getting away"  ... .I have to remind myself... .Setting boundaries at home, when there hasn't been many before, is rather hard... .and the backlash awful... .I can't retreat to my office and talk about it with colleagues... .  I have to face it... .

Thanks for all your comments... .This will get worse before it gets better... .

I am trying to remain distant... .I usually get abused for being horrible etc... when I practice it. 

It's my wedding anniversary tomorrow... .She is away this weekend... .I'm taking the kids to the theatre... .Hopefully will take my mind off it.   She didn't want to be around... .She felt marriage was a lifetime commitment, and we failed... .Funny,  she had the affair,  lied in marriage counselling,  carried it on... .I wanted to work on it... .I think I kept my end of the bargain... .

How depressing... .  Well, I am hopeful of good times ahead... .Good to hear about fellow users of this site finding new love and moving on from a BPD ex...   Hopefully one day... .

PS... .Yesterday was weird... .I took my kids to Macdonald s... .She contacted me to say she had finished work... .I explained I was at home, but was our with kids... .She wanted to know where... .texted to ask me again if I was in Macdonalds... .Rang me whilst I was there to check if I was in Macdonalds... .Almost paranoid... .Then, turned up unexpectedly at Macdonalds... .Very weird... .

Slightly disconcerting... .  She doesn't work nearby

[SES]

Back to our usual state of play... .She asked to sort out household bills.   She wanted me to pay half her bills... .When present with my bills... .Mortgage, gas, electricity... .  Considerably more... .Rage... .Utter rage... .

Rage... .Sense of entitlement... .  Some lies... .Some distortion... .

Great start to the day

... She is away for the weekend... .  It's our anniversary today... .Good reminder ofvwhy this is over... .aside from the affairs,  death threats, passing me some awful things... .

Anyway... .  Hopefully will calm down when she has gone... .

20 mins later... .She is still going for it.

[Mutt]

A therapist at work suggested another tack... ."be a smiling assassin, do what to takes to get to the end of the day, keep boat steady... .But remember the end goal... .Getting away"

We have an article that covers this.

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., ... .a Clinical Psychologist

Separating from "The Borderline" often involves three stages: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection.

The Detachment

During this part of separating from "The Borderline", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Borderline" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Borderline" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should... .

- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Borderline" works.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Borderline" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.

- If "The Borderline" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Borderline".

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Borderline" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Borderline" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Borderline" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.

- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Borderline" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.

- As "The Borderline" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.

When she rages do you step out of the house?

For legal purposes you must remain. Did the L give you a time frame as to when legal assets are sorted and either she leaves or you do? You are going through an awful lot.

[SES]

Thanks Mutt... .

Great advice... .great article.  I'll read it a few times... Lawyer says stay in house until it sells.   Could be months...   If I move out she might refuse to sell, while I pay the mortgage and bills.  I stayed in bathroom whilst she raged today... .extra long shower... .Then she left without me seeing her.  She had a flat tyre an hour later... .And was on the phone wanting my help and advice... .But I didn't reply.   

She found a replacement,  the man she has been having an affair with... .Although they have been on and off a few times already... .She looks like she is looking for his replacement, or to augment her relationship, as she is on a few dating websites already.   

I am finding it like living in an episode of Jerry Springer... .  I am already considering a paternity test... .All I am missing is the all important lie detector test... .Life became so chaotic after the affair came out the second time... .And her decision to end our relationship... .She seems to have unravelled somewhat... .chaotic, unpredictable,  highly unpleasant,  and cruel... .Plus throw in some lies, manipulation,  lack of empathy... .And some psychopathic traits... .Not the woman I married or loved for fourteen years.

It was our wedding anniversary today... .we met on this day 14 years ago.  She made a point of giving me her wedding ring back... .Predictable... .She gave it to me weeks ago, then asked for it back a few days ago... .This time I'll pawn it... .It didn't bother me, which is what she had hoped... .

The rage was about bills, which she asked to sort out... .Then tells me I can't make her pay anything... .Just drama out of her own doing... .  I figured she would not pay me anything... .Never has! 

Thanks for saying I'm going through an awful lot... .I feel like my world is collapsing and being destroyed in Utter chaos... .She makes my clinical work with clients with BPD seem like childplay.   She got divorce papers yesterday... .Likely reason for escalation... . 

I am having a second therapy session on Monday... .Therapist is psychodynamic and is familiar with BPD and attachment... .I am hoping that helps.   I realise what wonderful colleagues I have... .All people I line manage at work who have stepped up to provide me with support, care and compassion... .  She says I am mentally ill, can't manage my moods, I'm all over the place, I'm controlling. Psychopathic ,  overbearing... .   Colleagues (psychologists,  psychiatrists, nurse, social workers)  all reflect that i am a kind, relaxed, far from controlling, kind person... .I know it's her stuff coming out... .But it erodes on a daily basis over many years... .She is hitting me hard where it hurts, my kids and my health... .I have a senior job, manage teams and people, almost finished a Phd, and supervise research students, gave a presentation at a conference last week... .Have a high stress job... .

I feel depressed,  anxious, destroyed,  hurt, sad at my losses, uncertain, confused,  torn to pieces, tearful,  alone (although I have great friends)... .more isolated by her... .helpless and hopeless at times... .Never before have I ever felt so thoroughly destroyed or hurt... .

It is so very hard... .My kids keep me going.  I am probably going to do a paternity test today as I can't rule out affairs going back years,  if not all my relationship... .  No matter what the results the kids are mine... .I delivered one of the in our front room in an emergency... .

She has destroyed some things... .and taken others... .  I'll start moving stuff out for safe keeping... .  Good idea from the article you quoted.

Thanks to you, and others on this website... .I really mean it... .Late at night, when I'm stuck in the house with her... .The kids are asleep... .  I don't feel so alone... .

[Mutt]

Do you have a log book? Are you documenting things like events, photographing the house, assets?

Do you have a voice recorder? What's your State like with laws in regards to recording devices?

[SES]

I'm recording when she is around... .She knows... .so says horrible things very quietly!   She is aware I have been keeping a log... .She looked for and found it on a memory stick... .Now keep laptop and memory stick locked in my car.   I now email a friend my log from my work.  She is rather devious.  I hadn't thought about assets... .some things have gone missing... .  I am.planning to remove some photos for safe keeping... .I probably need to get the kids birth certificates and my educational certificates... .Good thinking

[SES]

I can see the perils of starting another relationship... .  She hacked my phone a few weeks ago... .Sent a female friend a huge amount of abuse from her own phone. Bleeps saying I have a girlfriend... .  Says it would be nice if I did... .I know that the opposite is true... .She would do all she could to hurt someone else

[maxen]

hi SES    i'm really sorry for what you're going through, it sounds simply horrifying, the worst that BPD has to offer. i'm sorry you have to be here, but i'm glad you're here. you'll get top advice from the long-timers on this board.   

two items: she's said she wanted to kill you? has she made a move in your direction? have you told this to anyone else? also, she's hacked your phone, and she's found your flashdrive. how is this happening?

[SES]

Death threats are... .I hate you so much I could murder you... .If I could get away with it I'd suffocate you in your sleep... .

I went to the police regarding abusive and harassing text messages... .  About her new sex life...

I have been to a domestic violence charity about her threats... .They advised try to record her saying it... .Also discussed with lawyer... .and family,  friends and colleagues... .

She hacked my phone when I was having a shower... .Change my pin every few days... .I don't leave anywhere now... .She tried to break it a few days ago... .Flash drive was in sock drawer, has my thesis on it... .She told me she found my file of lies... .Deleted it... .said she almost deleted my thesis... .

Does she sound bad in the greater scheme of things?  Colleagues at work think she is unravelling... .Almost paranoid at times... .

There was violence in the past... .She has hit me... .More recently said that she hopes I die of a silent asthma attack...   As a result have written a will... .Told people... . 

[Mutt]

Does she sound bad in the greater scheme of things?  Colleagues at work think she is unravelling... .Almost paranoid at times... .

I'm not a professional. I have been on the receiving end of this. Not fun. It sounds like a dissociative phase. She's emotionally dysregulated for a lengthy period of time without returning to her baseline. How long has she been dysregulated like this?

[SES]

When she hacked my phone she went through the browsing history... . Saw I had looked at loads of BPD websites... .and about ending a BPD relationship... . She asked me if I thought she had BPD... .I said I was looking for work... .Then she started over next few days saying I couldn't manage my emotions,  I was devious,  manipulative... . Almost like she was reciting a list of BPD symptoms from a website... .

Trying to smash my phone consisted of me leaving at the bottom of our stairs (for years my usual spot) throwing it on the floor, then going back upstairs,  saying... .oops, sorry it was an accident... . It just looked childish and provocative... .Followed by, "you are only bitter because I have another man's xxxx in me."      

[SES]

She has been dysregulated fir last four months or more, since affair came out.  Worse, off scale since affair was discovered a second time... .and she decided it was all over for us... Worse period is over seven weeks... .Psychiatrist friend describes her as unravelling... .Chaotic

Hypomania at times,  bidding on houses without funds in place, almost grandiose sense of self, treating me like I am an object, no empathy,  care free, says that she's doing great, poor sleep,  not eating properly,  disinhibited,  on a few dating/sex sites, smear campaign,  hostile,  easily aroused... .off the scale compared to usual... .Lies, lies, lies, and more lies... .Gaslighting... .  Unpredictable... .Volatile... .But still at work... playing martyr card... .

[SES]

I haven't seen my wife... .or glimers of her, for over seven weeks... .

Drugs may be a factor... .her boyfriend described himself as a frequent user of drugs on his dating website... .

Mutt... .I truly share the pain you went through with yours