Who has been victim of Harassment here?

[Depression = 72% of members]

BPDx/Schizox has been reminding me that he exists, that he's there, somewhere, nearly every single day since he decided to stay with his family 6 months ago (he now has his own appartment nearby).

While refusing to see me in the summer (we were supposed to be on holidays together), he demanded "news of his baby" everyday. I tried to tell him I also needed some peace, but he didn't understand.

He's kept doing this for the last months, while sending letters behind my back to the landlord and benefits, putting me in a terrible financial situation, alone and jobless with 2 kids.

He's sent me crazy emails which truly look schizophrenic (ambivalent feelings from one sentence to the next one), very long, saying how generous and willing to help he was, all the while telling me I ought to respect him and that I'd have to pay back the appliances he'd paid for.

Last week, I told him I wouldn't read his emails anymore and that everything would go through my lawyer.

So now he sends texts asking about how we are, using the fact that baby has been ill, and also texting me a few messages when baby stayed a full day with him.

And he's sending me letters by registered post. One last week, one this week.

Same sort of stuff as the mails, more polite though (it's meant to be shown to my L), but still pressuring me about money, the furniture, stuff like that.

I'm tired of all this.

There  are not 2 or 3 days without a sign from him, kind or not.

I don't get it. I've always been here for him, only I asked him to seek treatment. But his family tell him he's well, to break up from me (he's been blackpainting me loads to them).

So, if he CHOOSES to break up and live ALONE, why bother me so much?

[Indyan]

BPDx/Schizox has been reminding me that he exists, that he's there, somewhere, nearly every single day since he decided to stay with his family 6 months ago (he now has his own appartment nearby).

While refusing to see me in the summer (we were supposed to be on holidays together), he demanded "news of his baby" everyday. I tried to tell him I also needed some peace, but he didn't understand.

He's kept doing this for the last months, while sending letters behind my back to the landlord and benefits, putting me in a terrible financial situation, alone and jobless with 2 kids.

He's sent me crazy emails which truly look schizophrenic (ambivalent feelings from one sentence to the next one), very long, saying how generous and willing to help he was, all the while telling me I ought to respect him and that I'd have to pay back the appliances he'd paid for.

Last week, I told him I wouldn't read his emails anymore and that everything would go through my lawyer.

So now he sends texts asking about how we are, using the fact that baby has been ill, and also texting me a few messages when baby stayed a full day with him.

And he's sending me letters by registered post. One last week, one this week.

Same sort of stuff as the mails, more polite though (it's meant to be shown to my L), but still pressuring me about money, the furniture, stuff like that.

I'm tired of all this.

There  are not 2 or 3 days without a sign from him, kind or not.

I don't get it. I've always been here for him, only I asked him to seek treatment. But his family tell him he's well, to break up from me (he's been blackpainting me loads to them).

So, if he CHOOSES to break up and live ALONE, why bother me so much?

[.cup.car]

Aye. I have a whole binder of crap she's sent me.

Good luck doing anything about it if you're a guy though. Cops ppint you towards civil litigation, and a woman's word trumps everything in court.

Even if you've got mountains of evidence. I was outright called a liar and told I was using the court system to harass her.

All while victim services was walking me through the legal process.

[harbour]

Indyan, that's an awful situation for you to be in. It must be extremely stressful.

It seems that he uses your baby to justify his terrorizing you. You should not accept this.

What are his legal claims concerning your baby?

Does he have any legal right concerning the money he claims?

Why don't you change your phone number and your e-mail address? And just through out his letters without reading them, and stick to the what you told him last week:

Last week, I told him I wouldn't read his emails any more and that everything would go through my lawyer.

[Indyan]

What are his legal claims concerning your baby?.

Surprisingly: almost nothing!

He asked for 10AM to 7PM, that's all for now, one day per week end.

It stresses me, yes, for a little while. It's the "surprise" I guess. Like this morning when I was trying to catch up with some sleep with my baby who'd cried all night and I was awaken by the postman for another registered mail.

I thought "here we go again".

Also I hate the feeling of "what's coming next?"

But he's not threatening in his letter, he "just" wants to show that "he matters", that HE bought a few things in this house, that it's still HIS house (rented though) etc.

He's just a poor guy, really.

Soon enough, passed the surprise effect, I see it this way. A desperate attempt to say "hey, I'm not the bad guy here!"

When all this fails, he will turn to something else, I hope. Might be real kindness, or despair, suicide, who knows.

I don't feel sorry for him anymore (this is new to me, I used to feel empathy for everyone) but I do feel pity for him.

[Mutt]

During divorce and beyond, hostile emails are common. Bill came up with something called the B.I.F.F. method for responding to them.

TOOLS : Responding to hostile email

It's hard and triggering Indyan. It's a part of divorcing a person with mental illness and very difficult I'm sorry.

He shows disinterest with you and the kids.

I'm going to take a guess your BPD / Schizophrenic husband can keep the lid on in public? He's nice to everyone and is only abusive towards you?

Does he have a Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde? He hides this other persona and only shows it behind closed doors?

I suggest only respond to what matters.

The kids.

Track everything. Use a voice recorder. Take screenshots of his text. Save your emails.

This helps you and your L with your case. I suggest using BIFF. Consult and give it to your L.

Document. Document. Document.

Respond with Brief Informative Friendly and Firm.

If you have a tête a tête with him over email it doesn't help you and the kids.

If he's becoming more agressive, more frantic and dissociative in his emails.

It sounds like it could be an Extinction Burst.

[Indyan]

Thanks Mutt.

Yes, I've kept all evidence and I'm responding the minimum only.

In fact I can't say that he's showing "disinterest", it's more complicated, it's a mix of kind stuff and manipulation.

For example last week:

Tuesday:

he sent a registered letter (as he knew I was seeing my L soon) starting with "my very dear Indyan", and saying he'd like to take baby for a day every week-end, and that he'd like the "legal" papers with baby every time.

Thursday:

he sent me a link to a youtube song. It made me cry, it was so very true. I didn't know that song, it goes like:

"You wasted 2 years of your life trying to live with me

2 Years hanging from your cross, staying with my sleepless nights

But you gave it all, all the best of yourself

to me who kept everything and shut myself away

My poor love, be happier now

My poor love, I'll give you back to the wind

You tried to understand what my songs meant

kneeling patiently, you kept encouraging me

But I was sealed, indifferent to your needs

It's all my fault today, and I acknowledge my faults

Indifferent to so much love

I put it down to my terrible moods

But don't look back on that new path of yours

I never loved but myself and I have no tomorrows"

Friday:

I answered regarding his letter to confirm the times for him to pick up baby the next day. He's message was polite and visibly happy that I answered him.

Saturday:

he arrived 15 min earlier than expected, with donuts "for breakfast". Despite the cold, I didn't answer his text saying he's outside. 5 min before time, he knocked loudly on the front door. I opened a bit coldly, said baby is ready soon. He looked distant, hardly said hi.

During the day (with baby), he sent a few texts to ask questions or comment on his day. When I came to pick up baby (on the street in town as he refuses to show me where he lives now), he tried to be really nice to my D10, offered her a book she likes, joked and played with her. I managed to leave rather quickly and to not answer his stressful demands, for example he said in a peremptory way that "next week he'll pick up baby on Sunday because that's more convenient", I just answered "we'll see" and got ready to go.

Sunday: text asking if "baby's still coughing and if we are ok". I answer briefly about baby only.

Monday: text asking "are you ok guys", I don't answer.

Tuesday: Registered letter (he posted it last week apparently) telling me how much he's not a bad guy after all, and that I could  use the appliances he'd paid for (not even sure he bought everything he's mentionned!), but that if I'm to sell them one day, he wants half the money or that he might get them back after all.

It goes this way... .cold/warm/cold/warm

All I want at this stage is him to feel RUBBISH on his own in that little appartment of his.

To regret the loving family life I tried to share with him. To realize he's destroyed it all and that he has more to lose than me.

[Indyan]

Good luck doing anything about it if you're a guy though.

No, I'm a woman

[Indyan]

TOOLS : Responding to hostile email

Oh yes, I'd read that a long time ago, it's good stuff.

And that part always makes me laugh: 

"Jane’s response: “Thank you for responding to my request to take the children to my office party. Just to clarify, the party will be from 3:00 to 5:00 on Friday at the office, and there will be approximately thirty people there, including several other parents and their school-age children. There will be no alcohol because it is a family-oriented firm, and there will be family-oriented activities. I think it will be a good experience for the kids to see me at my workplace. Since you do not agree, then, of course, I will respect that and withdraw my request, because I recognize that it is your parenting time.”"

[Mutt]

TOOLS : Responding to hostile email

Oh yes, I'd read that a long time ago, it's good stuff.

And that part always makes me laugh:  

"Jane’s response: “Thank you for responding to my request to take the children to my office party. Just to clarify, the party will be from 3:00 to 5:00 on Friday at the office, and there will be approximately thirty people there, including several other parents and their school-age children. There will be no alcohol because it is a family-oriented firm, and there will be family-oriented activities. I think it will be a good experience for the kids to see me at my workplace. Since you do not agree, then, of course, I will respect that and withdraw my request, because I recognize that it is your parenting time.”"

This is a great example of BIFF. It removes ambiguity and chances at creating conflict. It has to be black and white and spelled out.

This is early for you and this is perhaps the most difficult part. My   goes out to you and the kids.

You got to stack the chips in your favor. Keep records of everything.

Conflict is secondary. Ignore, ignore, ignore YouTube videos or nice gestures.

This is about you and the kids.

Treat this as a business transaction and lean hard on the boards. I'm happy your using the boards  

This shall pass.