Am I the one with the BPD?

[TAR]

I am new to this site and still trying to understand where to post questions or replies but as I keep reading through Lessons and posts, etc., especially understanding the BPD relationship, I find that I see myself in many of the responses regarding boundaries, communication, dealing, etc.  

Although I feel that I have been loyal, compassionate, hardworking, and simply trying to understand, I am NOT the one who has a harem of women and sexual compulsories to run to whenever the relationship is in a bad place... .or even during a good phase.

The only relief in my heart is his track record of failed relationships (two marriages, a failed engagement, and a plethora of women before me, all left him with the same story - his infidelity.  His children (who are grown) two from his first marriage and one from his second basically keep their distance from him.  The oldest actually despises him and has no contact for more than 10 years.  

I find that I am the one who acts immature, yells, makes knee-jerk decisions, begs for forgiveness, berates, blames, and questions.  I am the one who has ended up clinging, needy, needs validation and so on.  We both have abandonment issues but prior to my meeting him, I was a strong, independent, career woman who, as a single parent, raised my children, once bought my own home, had everything and more than I needed cars, vacations, etc.  My abandonment issues were a result of losing all of my loved ones from death starting at a young age.  I always felt that made me stronger and independent... .and I was.

His abandonment issues are of much greater sadness and started from a very young age then forced to raise himself from nothing and became very successful - thus feelings of entitlement.

I have come to the point where I am questioning, "Am I the one with the BPD?" and perhaps he doesn't understand the illness or know how to deal with me.  I am the only woman he has kept (or perhaps has stuck around) in his life, lived with him for the longest time.  He doesn't need me and can live fine on his own, he is wealthy, self supportive, has a strong work ethic, and seemingly high self-esteem and self-worth.

Is it possible for someone me to recognize through reading all this information that I am the one with BPD?

Does anyone else feel this way or have felt this way?  

[Mutt]

 

Hi TAR,

I'm sorry this is confusing. I'd like you to know I felt like you.

I'll give you BPD in a nutshell:

It is a serious personality disorder and the most difficult personality disorder. Not many recover from the disorder and many are in denial.

Here's a stat regarding mental illness:

60% of mentally ill people diagnosed with a mental illness believe they arevnot mentally ill.

This isn't including people that aren't diagnosed out there.

You may think that you are from the intense emotional abuse you've been subjected to and being blamed for his actions. It works on your self esteem and you begin doubting yourself.

I don't know how many times I asked myself. " Am I the problem?" I can't say or do anything right and she sounds convincing.

I you're asking if your BPD you're not. You are the non-disordered partner.

I am NOT the one who has a harem of women and sexual compulsories to run to whenever the relationship is in a bad place... .or even during a good phase.

The only relief in my heart is his track record of failed relationships (two marriages, a failed engagement, and a plethora of women before me, all left him with the same story - his infidelity.  His children (who are grown) two from his first marriage and one from his second basically keep their distance from him.  The oldest actually despises him and has no contact for more than 10 years.

It begs me to question.

Why do his kids have no contact with him?  

10 years?  

You feel like your the problem and what about the other two loved ones in his life?

What's the back-story on his kids?

I'd like to tell you I can relate with abandonment. I was abandoned at birth. My adoptive mom died at age 8. Narcissistic adoptive father threw me out at 15. I understand abandonment

[vortex of confusion]

Just wanted to say welcome and let you know that I have continually asked myself "Am I the problem?" over the years. I have been married to my husband for 16.5 years and I have been trying to fix myself for most of that time. I know that I have issues and I know that I can be very juvenile and immature at times.

If I had a nickel for every time I wondered if I was crazy, I would be rich. There are a lot of people here that have been exactly where you are. They are a great resource as are the lessons. I have only been here a short time but I have been writing and posting like crazy since I currently don't have access to a therapist or counselor. If you can, seeking therapy or counseling might help you answer some of those questions.

It's all about taking baby steps.

[rockgirl]

Codepency... .goes perfectly we it a BPD partner. I am code pendent with abandonment issues too. I have also reacted in similar ways as you've described. Look up codependent, you may identify with it. There's lots of help, I'm working through it myself.

[TAR]

It begs me to question.

Why do his kids have no contact with him?  

10 years?  

You feel like your the problem and what about the other two loved ones in his life?

What's the back-story on his kids?

I'd like to tell you I can relate with abandonment. I was abandoned at birth. My adoptive mom died at age 8. Narcissistic adoptive father threw me out at 15. I understand abandonment

In regards to his children I have met them and on the surface things would appear just okay.  In the first month of meeting my soBPD, we met up with my son who had recently turned 21 and we went to have dinner and a cocktail.  At the end of the night, my soBPD looked at me very genuinely and said he was glad to have met my son but was somewhat jealous of our relationship and how well we got together.  There have been all types of similar admissions from him over varying topics but this was the first.  I have his youngest daughter from the 2nd marriage and have spent considerable time with her on vacations, etc.  I met his second oldest son on a trip.  There is so much detail to this story but to keep it short I will only give a few briefs.  When things started going awry, I had reached out to his daughter on several occasions and her answers were the following:   "I love dad, but I strive not to be like him.  He is always angry and controlling.  I just don't want to be like him."  Another time when I asked her why she seemed so distant with me she said, "I learned not to get close to any of his girlfriends anymore.  Every time I get close to them and/or with their children, he screws up and they leave."   

His son and I have never gotten to be more than acquaintance's because of location but his son never stood up to dad's standards, everything he wanted to do in life was not good enough.  And he was never around (he is a 30 year retired Marine Captain, a whole other part of this situation in itself).  Dad has always tried to help but you have to do things his way.  He did help his son make several mortgage payments and other financial obligations but the son never bothered to pay him back.  Dad just refuses to keep giving and  believes everyone should work and is capable to make their own way.

The oldest daughter that doesn't speak to him at all had like most teenagers had been a rebellious one to say the least.  She left home, came back, dropped out of school a week before graduation, pitted mom and dad against each other, couldn't get a job, chose the wrong boyfriends, etc.  One day she begged dad to buy her a car so she could go to work and promised to make the payments, she made the first one and that was it.  Dad, who is a nut about reputation and financial commitments made the payments for the next 4 months but told her if she did not make the next payment he would have the car repossessed.  And so he did.  I have seen the emails and letters back and forth and know this is the truth.  She never spoke to him again.

There is a lot of contention between the first two children and the daughter of the second marriage because Dad catered to her and wanted to be a better father.  His second wife took her away and moved to the other coast when she was only a year old.  Again, long story.  He went through years of trying to get custody or even equal custody and the financial cost was astronomical.  All of this eventually hardened his heart and it seems he blames all of his shortcomings on me.

His second ex-wife is a psychologist and I believe she very well knows he has BPD, she has done everything to keep the daughter away from him, he has only had several weeks a year with her and other odd visits and she just graduated college.  Now she is farther away from him than ever only calling when she absolutely has too. 

His abandonment is a horrible awful story, but maybe in some situations you would think the person would eventually be able to overcome.  To this day at 60 years old, he is still angry that no one will tell him for instance who his father really was.  Most everyone has died off now and the only remaining family member is taking it to the grave as well.

He was never nurtured or truly loved and when his mom died at 16 (never telling him about her cancer but always hiding it and making up stories as to why she was gone for chemo, she just died and someone came to tell him very coldly).  At 16, he actually stayed in the apartment, took on 3 jobs, and stayed in school.  He graduated and at 18 went directly into the USMC where he spent the next 30 years being raised by hardcore men.  He became very successful and believes in very tough love.  He never went to parties, the prom, had dates, etc. because he had to pay for that apartment.  He even turned down the option to be adopted by his best friend's millionaire father who promised him the best college and life imaginable but instead he went into the corp.

I have a deep love and empathy for this man.  A love like I have never known.  But the cheating and lying is always in the background, he leaves enough to be discovered, and when caught becomes my fault for snooping.  There are times when he can be sweet and genuine and caring, but very controlling.  He does the very things he abhors in others such as lying, cheating, dishonor, etc.  You can see how very confusing it all is.  I love him, I didn't know better how to effectively remain in the relationship as I became weak and damaged.  It may be too late for all that but I wish I could have communicated and was able to have him trust my intentions because he has admitted to certain things and shared enough to almost say, "I need and want you to help me."  He feels abandoned by all his former lovers even flings, I promised never to abandon him and now I feel I am breaking that promise, I just didn't know what I am learning now.  He is brilliant, hard working, extreme work ethic, sense of self-esteem and entitlement, and self-made.  Now I am standing here pathetic and practically penniless thinking I am the one with the illness.

I did in fact schedule an appointment with a professional and have found that to be a joy in itself after the last few weeks of despair.

[TAR]

Codepency... .

Thank you for the response, and yes, I have become exactly that and equate with it quite well.  I have just taken the first steps in seeking some professional guidance to help me get through my own issues.  Maybe when I regain my sense of self-worth and independence again, I can reach out to help him in a stronger way

[rockgirl]

Codepency... .

Thank you for the response, and yes, I have become exactly that and equate with it quite well.  I have just taken the first steps in seeking some professional guidance to help me get through my own issues.  Maybe when I regain my sense of self-worth and independence again, I can reach out to help him in a stronger way

Good for you! I hope you spend that time helping yourself rather than focusing on helping him. He has to do that work. We can't fix them, or love them out of this... they have to do the work. We can be a great support system, but we need one too! Best wishes