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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Wishing we could be distant friends...  (Read 680 times)
lovethebeach
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« on: December 09, 2014, 03:38:17 PM »

Six week post b/u and I can honestly say that I have no desire to be romantically involved with my ex. In the six weeks, he hasn't made an attempt to contact me, even following my car accident... .because his needs are the only ones' that matter at the moment. He's so engulfed in himself, that he can't even "check in" after all our time together. I no longer serve him a purpose and he has too much shame/guilt from his actions and so he warps reality and has probably "moved on" while I find solace in truly healing... .although it is a slow process.

While I no longer have a desire for a romantic relationship, and have been complete NC for a month ... I often wonder when I'll stop wanting any contact. Some days, I find myself just wishing we could catch up and be a distant part of each others' lives.  The thought of never speaking to him again still stings a bit.

I guess that's too be expected. I try to remind myself that contacting him wouldn't lead to good things: he'd either ignore me, and I'd feel bad... .he'd beg for me back, and I know I couldn't go back, I'd feel bad ... .or he'd be indifferent, and I'd feel bad. So I'd ALWAYS feel bad. He isnt capable of just being friends (no matter how many times he asked me to be). Too many emotions were involved on both sides and it sucks. I wish we could just catch up. I wish he showed one iodta of care throughout this whole process for my hurting.

I hope in a few more weeks, I wont want to speak to him at all and I won't care how he's doing... .

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DreamGirl
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4017


Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2014, 04:23:32 PM »

I think it's pretty normal to wonder how someone we truly cared about is doing. It's also really hard when someone was such a big part of our life to just cut that off at the source. It's probably a good sign that you're struggling internally with this, they are all healthy reactions. 

I do see where you're coming from when you say "contact=nothing good". Just for discussion purposes, what would you say? What do you want to know is going on with him? Do you just miss him? The companionship?

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  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

harbour
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« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2014, 04:42:02 PM »

Excerpt
I try to remind myself that contacting him wouldn't lead to good things: he'd either ignore me, and I'd feel bad... .he'd beg for me back, and I know I couldn't go back, I'd feel bad ... .or he'd be indifferent, and I'd feel bad. So I'd ALWAYS feel bad. He isnt capable of just being friends (no matter how many times he asked me to be). Too many emotions were involved on both sides and it sucks. I wish we could just catch up. I wish he showed one iodta of care throughout this whole process for my hurting.

I think that you are being very conscious and realistic reminding yourself of the consequences, if you contacted him. And very brave. Thanks to that you kept complete NC for one month now. That is admirable. I know how hard it is.

I broke up with mine about 2-3 weeks ago. In a letter. He started sending me messages after 4 days. Since then it has been exactly what you remind yourself of, if you had contact. And more than that. I didn't respond to his first messages for 5-6 days, and I felt bad, guilt. So I sent him a few messages. He didn't respond for a few days, and I felt bad. Then he begged me to give it another try, and I felt bad. Then he accused me of lying and being the only one who did wrong, while he was the abandoned victim, and I felt bad. I didn't respond to his accusations, but told him that I missed him too, but that it wouldn't work for us being together again. No reply for a few days, and I felt bad. Today he sent me a big beautiful bouquet of flowers, and more messages about how much he loves me, and I felt bad. I replied and thanked him for the flowers. Then he sent me a lot of messages, a mix of love and anger, sadness and accusations, and I felt bad. Now I just feel bad because I have kept his fire alive. For what purpose? For nothing but my giving in to my missing him and to my guilt. Though I know that there is no way I will ever go back to him. And now that I have broken NC, it is going to be even harder to break it again. In one of his messages he wrote that "And I never again want to receive a message from you as the last one... ."

I can only say that I regret that I yielded to the temptation to break NC.

The thought of never speaking to him again was what prompted me to send him the first messages after 6 days NC. And now I feel really bad.  
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2014, 10:58:24 PM »

Thank you for the words on encouragement! I think I've just been wondering how he is, what he's been up too, etc. The memories of two years together with college and the military being a factor... .don't just go away. We did go through a lot outside of the BPD.


I think I just miss him. The vulnerable side. The loving and caring person. But underneath, his core is self serving. His actions create chaos and a world that revolves around him and for so long I helped him dig out of every hole he got into. I provided so much, but this disorder always wins.

I'm sure in his own way he did love me and care for me. But his impulse control issues and immaturity (he's 22) compounded everything. He lied pathologically. I can only hope one day my words of BPD and such get him to seek help. I did make him aware of the BPD during the relationship and he was attending therapy but "there is a difference between knowing you have a problem and doing the work to fix the problem."

I miss his family and just hanging out with him as a person. But, I've become a trigger now and I just don't see how it would be possible for us to have any contact. I care for him, but I also care for myself and sometimes it's best to let go. I try to remind myself that im lucky to have come out relatively okay... .no kids, no marriage, no life long ties.

Even as I write this, I wish I could just pick up the phone and that it was all a bad dream... .but it's not. It's reality and I can't change it. Ive accepted it... .just wish it wasn't so.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2014, 06:23:42 AM »

I cant. I wont. Shes not my problem any more and Im taking a page from her playbook, POOF!, she doesnt exist. Bad enough I have to deal with her somewhat when my sons Volleyball season kicks off, but until then, out of sight out of mind.
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downwhim
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2014, 08:50:07 AM »

Hang in there, this is the hardest thing to do. Today I celebrate 2 months N/C and we were together 8 years and engaged. I questioned whether I could make it this long. But, what are my alternatives? He would rage at me, I would interfere with his replacement relationship and get hurt seeing him move on? Painted black is just that. Contact would be painful so I am protecting myself anyway I can to avoid him.
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2014, 11:35:30 AM »

I'm finding it difficult to trust again, even trust my own judgement.

How do I ensure I don't end up in the same situation? I can identify my issues, from my FOO ... .but how do I heal them?

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