Need help not sounding antagonistic...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi!

As I mentioned in my last thread, DH and I are in a new situation with having the kids three states away from their BPD mom after we got primary physical custody. We are struggling to keep her in the loop as we are supposed to while at the same time not engaging. This is made more difficult because there are some things we are just bound to tell her. In this case, we recently had SS10 extensively tested by a clinical psychologist to rule out a few issues. DH just went and got the report and spoke to the psychologist. While the BPD mom is supposed to get any records she wants directly from the T, we are supposed to keep her in the loop generally. And it's probably better that we give her a little info so she won't be inclined to ask the T's office for a copy of the report as it totally calls out the BPD mom's treatment of SS10 as the reason for his problems. So, here is what DH has written as a draft:


[Kid's BPD mom],

After extensive psychological testing and input from his teacher, [Psychologist] was able to rule out ADHD and has determined that [SS10] is suffering from Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety. According to [Psychologist], SS10's teacher reported that he not only hasn’t had any conduct issues at school but is actually one of the better behaved kids in the class. [Psychologist] feels that, since he is clearly doing better now, the answer is to continue with therapy. She gave me some ideas for how I can help him while he is with me.

If you would like some ideas on how you can help him when he is in your home please feel free to contact [Psychologist] directly, as she may have other recommendations for you.  

Sincerely,

DH

Basically, we are fully aware that she will feel antagonized not matter what we say. We just want to know that independent parties reading this wouldn't think we were intentionally poking the bear. (The reason this is so hard is because she IS the reason the kid has the problems he does and we are the ones responsible for doing what we can to fix everything she's done. And yes, we are both a bit angry over that.)

[Nope]

Hi!

As I mentioned in my last thread, DH and I are in a new situation with having the kids three states away from their BPD mom after we got primary physical custody. We are struggling to keep her in the loop as we are supposed to while at the same time not engaging. This is made more difficult because there are some things we are just bound to tell her. In this case, we recently had SS10 extensively tested by a clinical psychologist to rule out a few issues. DH just went and got the report and spoke to the psychologist. While the BPD mom is supposed to get any records she wants directly from the T, we are supposed to keep her in the loop generally. And it's probably better that we give her a little info so she won't be inclined to ask the T's office for a copy of the report as it totally calls out the BPD mom's treatment of SS10 as the reason for his problems. So, here is what DH has written as a draft:


[Kid's BPD mom],

After extensive psychological testing and input from his teacher, [Psychologist] was able to rule out ADHD and has determined that [SS10] is suffering from Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety. According to [Psychologist], SS10's teacher reported that he not only hasn’t had any conduct issues at school but is actually one of the better behaved kids in the class. [Psychologist] feels that, since he is clearly doing better now, the answer is to continue with therapy. She gave me some ideas for how I can help him while he is with me.

If you would like some ideas on how you can help him when he is in your home please feel free to contact [Psychologist] directly, as she may have other recommendations for you.  

Sincerely,

DH

Basically, we are fully aware that she will feel antagonized not matter what we say. We just want to know that independent parties reading this wouldn't think we were intentionally poking the bear. (The reason this is so hard is because she IS the reason the kid has the problems he does and we are the ones responsible for doing what we can to fix everything she's done. And yes, we are both a bit angry over that.)

[bravhart1]

I certainly understand and sympathize with that anger. Life  is hard enough without your own parent adding to the problems because they won't listen to reason and get help.

Heaven knows the frustration of what the kid goes through and the blood letting of money to therapists, attorneys, court fees, evaluations and everything else she won't pay for on top of the constant reminders that she is the golden uterus that bore that child thus she belongs to her, ... .it's just overwhelming!

Anyway to your question: first thing that stands out to me is (just my opinion) do not put anything in your letter that states child has adjustment disorder. Phrase it like he had a hard time adjusting but is now doing better. Shows stability, is improving behavior at home and school, etc

I would be very careful saying anything that could be twisted and repeated to child to make you seems like you are calling child sick or damaged. She might say, they think you are crazy, then show him letter which then child reads and is going to interpret how she lined him up to see it.

I understand you feel like you need to share this info with her, but  do so in the most white washed general optimistic terms possible. Write it like your son will read it.

Good luck, and I'm glad your son is doing better, he's lucky to have you. I know we don't hear that often enough.

[livednlearned]

Like bravhart1 said, I wouldn't mention the specifics -- you can keep her in the loop generally to let her know that SS10 is doing well at school, no conduct issues. That he has done some testing with a licensed clinical psychologist, and that he'll be continuing with the same therapist because it has been helpful for him, and you have appreciated the recommendations and are applying them, and it's helping SS10. If she would like information, to please contact psychologist.

Something vague that emphasizes what is positive, while letting her follow up if she has the wherewithal to do that.

The more information I gave N/BPDx, the more he ruined things. If he wanted more information, I learned to tell him to contact the doctor, dentist, counselor, school, etc. directly. That's all the court expects.

Were you planning to wait until after SS10's holiday visit to send the email?

[Nope]

We already sent it. Kept it vague and down to only three sentences. She won't follow up with anyone for three reasons. 1) She might get told something she doesn't want hear about how his problems might be her fault and I'm sure she's convinced that DH poisoned everyone against her anyway. 2) We just found out she has a new boyfriend and is in the high stage of the relationship and is apparently ignoring everything else (including her youngest child who still lives with her). 3) She isn't doing her own court ordered therapy and dealing with SS10's counseling in any way might cause someone to remember that she is supposed to be. Because I'm sure she hopes we forgot about that part of the order. 

[ForeverDad]

It was worded well, informative but not asking anything, you don't want to invite a response where she tells you what you should be doing differently, give her a platform to spin her distorted stories or whatever.  Directing her from you to the professionals is the wise thing to do, it's their jobs, good for them to handle it.