Recycling - what evolves with every cycle? Anything?

[caughtnreleased]

I'm just wondering.  I recycled once... .so far.  He seems to have been really, REALLY pissed off the first time he left, so it took him a loong time to come back ... .

Anyway, I noticed that things felt somewhat less volatile when we recycled, but I think that was more me... .I felt more in control... .of myself, which means I let go more.  I suppose, really, that I am the one who had changed quite a bit between our first and second cycle.  We spent more time together the second time around.  Did more things together than we'd done the first time around.  Got to know eachother a bit better.  I think there were a lot of things he'd wondered about me, that he asked me about the second time around.  And same with me.  The first time around was just so volatile and unstable.  I'd say we actually had quite a bit more fun with eachother the second time around.  It wasn't as tense, or intense, and we (I?) were more relaxed with eachother... .he was less committal as well, which suited me just fine.  But... .I would say mostly, that I changed.  But in the end, same outcome.  Him: splitting, angry, and seeking provocation.  Me: blew a fuse and called him out on his sh-t.  Him: ran away. RAN AWAY. a second time... .I'm not really sure about the devaluation/idealization.  I think the first time around I broke it off in full idealization phase. He didn't see it coming... .he went into his normal replacement mode, but I don't think he had enough material to fully devalue me actually... .I don't know. This sh-t is so confusing.  It still feels like its unfinished business, except I've got nothing nice to say to him this time around.  And I don't see any fundamental changes on his part. Same old crap! Anyone else have insights on how things evolve (or don't) with multiple recycles?  Does anyone have a SATISFYING outcome regarding recycles?

I don't regret my first recycle.  I was able to see things a bit more clearly. I owned my part of it. Things were a bit different, because I was a bit different.  I also more or less expected the same outcome, having read everyone's posts on here.  But knowing what was likely to happen, didn't stop me from hoping something else would. It didn't.  Am I disappointed? yes. I am.

[peiper]

After five or six recycles I do know this. Every one was progressively worse. I'm guessing because it showed her I would forgive her abuse.

[evilpepsi]

a#1 (both of their names start with a, haha) recycled me a few times. it was never as good as the initial, but she was in therapy and also grad school for psych, so there was progress. when it fell apart the last time, i was done. we stayed in touch throughout the last few years and she is now my go to when something like this happens. she gives me a verbal kick in the butt and tells me that im too smart for all of this, and we talk about philosophy, or something intellectual. she has made great progress in her years of therapy and we have a solid friendship, so there is always some glimmer of hope for them... .

[caughtnreleased]

Thank you both for your responses. It helps to get different perspectives.  Peiper, sorry to hear about your experience. I think both these experiences are helpful in knowing that there is not in fact a set outcome.  It's helpful to know that it's not always a total and complete disaster, nor is it a fairy tale. I find it tough to get a proper perspective when we're in the fog.  I've been nc for a few months now, and I was doing really well, but I saw him like 100 ft from my house a few days ago so I'm trying to get some perspective on the recycle business. Is he getting ready for another cycle?  Seeing him is a mind f-ck.

[clydegriffith]

After five or six recycles I do know this. Every one was progressively worse. I'm guessing because it showed her I would forgive her abuse.

Agreed. In my case just when you thought it wasn't humanly possible for someone to do something worse than what she had done the last time she always managed away to outdue herself. She pretty much figured i would take her back no matter what.

The day after i caught her in bed with one of my friends she called me and asked for help doing laundry like nothing had happened.

[peiper]

One thing is for sure, unless they acknowledge their problem and seek help the cycle in going to continue.

[evilpepsi]

After five or six recycles I do know this. Every one was progressively worse. I'm guessing because it showed her I would forgive her abuse.

Agreed. In my case just when you thought it wasn't humanly possible for someone to do something worse than what she had done the last time she always managed away to outdue herself. She pretty much figured i would take her back no matter what.

The day after i caught her in bed with one of my friends she called me and asked for help doing laundry like nothing had happened.

You handled that far better than I would have, hahaha. I would have seriously thrown a beat down on the friend. He KNEW. a total stranger I would have let walk out because we know how they lie... .

[Mr.Downtrodden]

After five or six recycles I do know this. Every one was progressively worse. I'm guessing because it showed her I would forgive her abuse.

Agreed. In my case just when you thought it wasn't humanly possible for someone to do something worse than what she had done the last time she always managed away to outdue herself. She pretty much figured i would take her back no matter what.

The day after i caught her in bed with one of my friends she called me and asked for help doing laundry like nothing had happened.

Yep. Absolutely no concern for anyone but themselves.

My exgf outdid herself every time. She'd apologize. I'd waver, then cave in.  Then she'd up the ante which peaked (I thought) when she got herself pregnant by a co-worker. She pleaded for me to not give up on us.  Then, in a matter of days, she calmly stated she could only be friends.

When we met up face to face for the first time since the disaster she created, she again upped the ante later that night-  nearly got herself seriously injured, if not killed, in the pursuit of her impulses. i was the one thinking of her kid being baby-sat back at her home.  Her?  She was only concerned with satisfying her jones.  It crushed me for good. i feel so sorry for her kid. i miss her terribly.  But I won't go back after what I saw.

[Brazil]

Im my case, I had to recycles, each was worse, in terms of her behavior, because I believe our boundaries were expanded. in other words, She knew that she could get away with doing things wrong.

Indees, it help me to see a little bit clear, kind of help conect the dots, form my point of view. But, as I said in her point of view, it gaver more space to do whatever she wanted to do.

Best

B.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi thanks everyone for sharing. Your experience is really helpful in giving perspective, and again how so much really comes down to boundaries.  I am really bad at setting them myself, before things get totally out of hand to the point where I just shut everything down, or blow it apart.

One thing is for sure, unless they acknowledge their problem and seek help the cycle in going to continue.

I agree.  This has been my dilemma from the start with my BPDex, because he acknowledged his problem.  He acknowledged he was stuck in a cycle. He openly talked about having BPD.  The big BUT is I don't know whether he was getting help. Everytime he talked about that part of it, his story would change. 

But it is interesting though... .about how in recycles they keep just pushing the boundaries, further and further in recycles. One thing he did not AT ALL revisit during our recycle was the trigger that caused me to break up with him the first time around: his cutting.  He didn't bring that to me during our recycle.  His promiscuity, that's a different story altogether.  That's what caused us to split the second time around.

I have read that it's actually normal for a couple to recycle one or two times, but when it gets to be three, four, five times then it would be more characteristic of a personality disorder.