How to talk with the kids about BPD?

[Regular_Joe]

So the exBPD has been displaying behavior obviously intending to divest herself from sons (17 & 18). Not that she's ever really been involved before; basically I've been their sole parent for more than five years since the split (pun intended). I myself am a child of divorce, and know exactly what its like to be forced by my mom to feel like I had to "choose sides" between her and dad. Swore that I wouldn't put my kids through that particular hell. But I feel like they're at an age now where I should explain to them why their mother treats them like she does & why she's basically taking steps to cut them out of her life entirely. (FYI she's evidently getting remarried soon - that should be a hoot for her new sucker\fiance.)

Any advice about broaching this subject appreciated.

[tristesse]

Hi Regular joe.

I would say that since the children are ages 17 and 18 that they are old enough to grasp the content of a very open and honest conversation. I would explain that BPD is an illness, and then educate them. Education is key in dealing with this horrible illness. They need to understand that she is sick and there are ways to cope and communicate with her. There is also help for them here on this site.  [L5] Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw  They can ask questions and get answers. YOu may also benefit from posting on [L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship. There is a great amount of help and advice for people who are in similar situations. This board is primarily for the parents of a child with BPD. If you ask the same question on the L3 board mentioned above, you will get answers from folks who have actually experienced the situation.

I hope it works out for you.

[Panda39]

Hi Joe,

My SO has 2 daughters 14 & 18 and an uBPDxw.  He and the ex have been separated 4 years divorced 2.

Over the last year my SO has talked to his daughters about mom.  The younger daughter has been interested in learning about BPD and asked to borrow my copy of Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson.  She was easily able to identify her mom as the queen she is.  The younger daughter has also been trying to establish some boundaries, is in therapy and seems to be modeling healthy behaviors (give or take some hypochondria when she doesn't want to go to school  )

Dad started talking with the older daughter first and he gave her his copy of I Hate You - Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus.  The older daughter is more enmeshed with mom, and seems to see her more as a victim, and plays things emotionally closer to the vest.  She hasn't rejected the idea of BPD but refuses to talk to her dad about her mother. She hasn't been in therapy for the last year and in my opinion is not as emotionally healthy as her sister.

So I support the idea of talking with your sons.  It might even be a relief for them to find there is a name for mom's behaviors and that others have had similar experiences.  As you can see my SO used books on the topic as part of his introduction to BPD with his girls you might want to do that too, it can initiate conversation and questions.  If I remember right you have to be 18 to post here but this site could be a resource too if they are interested.

[ForeverDad]

Richard Warshak wrote Divorce Poison but on his website he also has a DVD Welcome Back Pluto which is designed for you and the children to view together.

[livednlearned]

Giving your kids information that will help them understand the nature of her disordered thinking, why she behaves the way she does, that there is a "code" to explain the projections, the feelings = facts, gaslighting, blameshifting, and all of the black/white thinking that goes with BPD -- that is not putting your kids in the middle. It could provide them tremendous relief.

If she is not diagnosed, then you may want to say that. "Your mom was never diagnosed, but during the marriage and divorce, I learned about this thing called BPD and it helped me make sense of her behavior."

I ended up telling me son, who is 13, that the problems his dad experienced were more than alcohol, and that while I didn't know exactly what was wrong, I knew something was seriously wrong, and many of the grown-ups who were helping us figure out how to communicate felt the same way.

It lifted a huge burden off my son and was nothing short of cathartic. But I was also working with a therapist to help me, and there had been an incident in which N/BPDx really had put S13 in the middle.

It's possible, too, that your boys may feel anger. My son actually tested me, which I didn't understand at the time. My T said that it was a sign that S13 had harbored some concerns that I was not being 100% honest with him, which was actually very perceptive of him. Because of the custody battle, I did not discuss BPD with S13 nor did I talk about his dad's behaviors. S13 could sense that I was holding things back from him, which I was.

Whatever you felt when you learned that your wife's behavior was based in a disorder, and that it wasn't you being crazy -- your kids will feel that multiplied many times over.

[ForeverDad]

Another resource is PDAN.ORG which has several items appropriate for children.  One is a booklet An Umbrella For Alex.  As I recall it doesn't name the specific PDs, but tries to express the issues in general terms.

[Turkish]

Another resource is PDAN.ORG which has several items appropriate for children.  One is a booklet An Umbrella For Alex.  As I recall it doesn't name the specific PDs, but tries to express the issues in general terms.

I downloaded the book when I first came here. The resources at the end do mention BPD, though it isn't referenced specifically in the story, which seems like it was written for a 5 year old. I have dual accounts on my tablet, so I locked it out of the kids' so they'll never be able to read it without my supervision.