Giving birth to baby - need to but out my thoughts re:uBPDm

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm due to have my first baby at the end of February. I'm struggling with what to tell me uBPD mother (and other family) about the labour.

My mother said to my sister (the one who is most forgiving) a while ago "you will tell me when you go into labour, won't you? Because I know estelithil won't".

Now, my sister isn't even pregnant or planning a family. I think this statement was made because my mother knows it would have gotten back to me. I've only just now realised that her statement might have been a way to guilt me into telling her when I go into labour so she can rush up to the hospital and be a drama queen.

She's right though - I don't want to tell her. I want to tell my two sisters and my two best friends, and that's it. I'm worried about her taking advantage of my vulnerability during labour so she can smash through my boundaries. I don't want to worry about her waiting outside, ready to pounce at any opportunity.

But hubby wants to tell his parents when I go into labour and ask them not to come to the hospital until I give the OK. They're good people who will respect our wishes. But if we tell them, good manners dictates that I should tell me parents too. So now I feel guilty, when I normally would not.

I feel quite strongly that the way she raised us automatically precludes her from normal grandparent rights to my children. I don't want her to have enough access to my child that her BPD shines through. But some other people (family in particular) seem to think I'm just being unreasonable.

Anyone out there with some experience with this? Am I right wanting to tell her after the baby is here (and possibly after we have already returned home)? Am I being unreasonable?

[estelithil]

I'm due to have my first baby at the end of February. I'm struggling with what to tell me uBPD mother (and other family) about the labour.

My mother said to my sister (the one who is most forgiving) a while ago "you will tell me when you go into labour, won't you? Because I know estelithil won't".

Now, my sister isn't even pregnant or planning a family. I think this statement was made because my mother knows it would have gotten back to me. I've only just now realised that her statement might have been a way to guilt me into telling her when I go into labour so she can rush up to the hospital and be a drama queen.

She's right though - I don't want to tell her. I want to tell my two sisters and my two best friends, and that's it. I'm worried about her taking advantage of my vulnerability during labour so she can smash through my boundaries. I don't want to worry about her waiting outside, ready to pounce at any opportunity.

But hubby wants to tell his parents when I go into labour and ask them not to come to the hospital until I give the OK. They're good people who will respect our wishes. But if we tell them, good manners dictates that I should tell me parents too. So now I feel guilty, when I normally would not.

I feel quite strongly that the way she raised us automatically precludes her from normal grandparent rights to my children. I don't want her to have enough access to my child that her BPD shines through. But some other people (family in particular) seem to think I'm just being unreasonable.

Anyone out there with some experience with this? Am I right wanting to tell her after the baby is here (and possibly after we have already returned home)? Am I being unreasonable?

[vortex of confusion]

You are NOT being unreasonable at ALL!

It is YOUR birth and you have a right to choose to do whatever you want to do. If somebody stresses you out, keep them out of the delivery room. Are you going to have your birth at the hospital? If so, look up their policy about having people present during the birth. Use that to your advantage.

If his parents are understanding people, maybe you could work it out so that everyone gets called when you are ready for visitors.

Or, you can do like I did on a couple of my births, which was to get so busy that we forgot to call until everything was said and done. It was a bit passive aggressive on my part but I simply could not deal with my mother and her butting into everything. With my first daughter, I was induced and my husband didn't call anybody until after I was well into labor and had an epidural going. My other three births were home births. With two of them, I didn't call anybody until after the baby was born. With my third, I made the mistake of calling my mom because I thought she could take care of my older two girls and keep them distracted. The witch was too busy being nosy about what was going on with me and didn't bother to take the older girls out of the room or keep them entertained.

So, don't tell your mother or anybody that you can't trust. If you know your sisters will call your mom, don't tell them either. Call your two best friends and leave it at that. Yes, there may be some fall out and hurt feelings but it is worth it in my opinion because you are only going to get to meet your baby for the first time ONCE. Don't let toxic people interfere!

Sending you a great big! 

[Turkish]

Your baby. Your family. Your right to do however you wish.

For the first birth, my uBPDx only wanted her mom there (and me). My mom played waif to me, and was offended that she didn't have a right to be there. Leaving aside the fact that my Ex was often disrespectful to my mom (imagine two BPD waifs, my Ex being the meaner one with some Narc traits, in the same house), I respected her wish to only have her mom there. Logically, my mom could have been of great help as she's an RN and used to work neo-natal. I respected my Ex's wish, however. My mom was a little put out that she had to wait back at the in-laws' house with the the men, but she wasn't the one giving birth. For a person with a lack of self-worth, of course they will want to make themselves the center of attention to try and grasp that worth, at the expense of others.

This is about you, and though women give birth all of the time, it's a stressful and painful experience (and joyful when you see that little baby out in the real world for the first time, the best    ever). You deserve to not be stressed.

(For the birth of D2, I was the only one there.)

[P.F.Change]

I think you're right to trust your instincts. During birth you want to be as calm and relaxed as possible. Do what you need to do to look after yourself during that time.  My mother was not invited to any of my births, though she tried very, very hard to invite herself to the first one anyway. I found it best for me to only call after I was done and rested, and not invite her to visit right away either (2 weeks was a good time for me and DH to settle in and recover first).

[GeekyGirl]

Hi estellthll,

I agree with the others--how you deliver and raise your child is really your call, and who you involve is up to you.

For the labor and birth itself, you've been given some good advice, and you need to do what's best for you and the baby. Giving birth, while it's a wonderful thing, can be very stressful.

One thing that may help: enlist the hospital staff to help you if you don't want visitors. My parents were at the hospital when DS was born, but my doctor threw them out of the birthing suite, and for that, I was very grateful. It took the pressure off of me to tell them (because at the time, I didn't need any more on my plate! ). If you want your sister and friends there, let the staff know. I'd be willing to bet that they see these kinds of situations all of the time.

Best of luck to you!

[HappyChappy]

You not being unreasonable. You're doing what any good mother does and putting your kid first. You need to be relaxed. In our country the maternatiy ward had a buzzer system, so no one could get in without permission. We gave the staff a list of allowable people, and they ensured no one else got in. They even reassured us it was quiet normal to block certain relatives, they total understood. They also stated the staff didn't want any problem relatives there either, as they normaly have a go at the staff. So I'm sure you'll be fine. Just make sure you've got someone riding shotgun with you, and you'll be fine. Great news, a new baby.  

[MiserableDaughter]

Oh this is much too familiar to me... .My son is 2.5 now. My uBPD mom also made the "you WILL tell me when your in labor right? I won't be finding out about the baby after he is born will I?" Like you, I also feared drama and guilt while I was in labor. When I went into labor, I went to the hospital at 7am. I told my parents around 3pm when I was actually to be induced because I didn't want my mom around me in the hospital before that. I didn't want her forcing herself into the delivery room. In fact, I actually told the nurses to just tell my mom only my husband was allowed in the delivery room. Sure ebough, DURING my delivery I kept receiving multiple texts saying "please let me come and see you! I just want to see you for a minute!" I was ridiculously uncomfortable and wasn't ready to see her at all, or ready for the drama. I was actually texting her back during my labor saying "mom in not in position to see you right now. I'm very uncomfortable." I must have received over ten texts. The nurses told me my mom tried to get in multiple times and they kept telling her she couldn't... .Afterwards I got a bunch of guilt trips about other moms who were right in the delivery room with their daughters. Yes, do keep your mother away.

[CBoo]

Congratulations on the baby!

See above - agree with everything that has been said here. I would decide your boundaries and stick to them. From this point on... .No excuses, no apologies.  Not her show.

[estelithil]

Thanks everyone - your input is greatly appreciated. I won't bet telling her until after the bub is born.