Confessions of a BPD widow

[InSearchofMe]

BPDh has been gone for more than 4 months.  And although I have been here everyday, I have neither logged, commented, or posted.  At first I did not post because I did not feel like there was a place for me here.  Posting on this board did not feel right.  I was committed to staying and I honestly did not feel like the relationship failed.  That meant I did not belong here.  The place I have come to, is that, no, the relationship did not fail.  The disease just won.  I hate that.  I hate that he was in so much pain that he saw no other solution.

Then, I felt like I could not even comment on anyone's post.  Surely, since he took his own life, I have no valid counsel to offer anyone.  I failed to even keep him alive.  Everything I say should be questioned.  So I chose to sit quietly.  I have come to realize that this is a lot of the FOG I have lived in for so long.  His disease convinced him that I could fix how he felt.  I felt guilty that I could not.  The fact is, sometimes this disease is fatal.  I know I was, by no means, perfect in this relationship.  In fact, I wish I could have been better.  So much better.  I wish I would have understood sooner, could have started working on my part sooner.  But I did not and am forgiving myself for that.

So where am I now?  I am living in the department of random.  So many emotions,  all in the same moment.  I miss him so much.  But, if I am totally honest, I do not miss living with someone who was so very disordered.  The peace and quiet is liberating.  In the same moment I can wish he was here because of a small daily event that I want to share with him.

Let me give a snapshot of the last 24 hours . . .

Last night I started going through his man cave.  I am remodeling the house and am cleaning everything.  Beginning to deal with this room in the house was such a physical picture of his disordered mind.  Although he spent at least 8 hours a day here (he was unemployed) and 'cleaned' and rearranged this room so often, it was a disaster.  At first I was angry and 'What the heck is wrong with you?'  And then I was heartbroken for him all over again.  So much pain.  Ever day.  All day.  Then today, on another bpdfamily post, I found a link to a site for BPD sufferers.  I read a thread there that someone talked about what happened when their significant other went to clean up the dishes after dinner.  What the SO said was 'so, I'll go tidy up.'  What the BPD heard was 'you are lazy and worthless because you are not doing this and I am going to leave you.'  My heart broke all over again.  So many memories of him dysregulating because I was doing something around the house.  Is this what was going on with him?  Then I had a lightbulb moment.  What was my part?  I knew immediately what is was.  I gave up.  After so many times of this happening, I just quit trying to have a nice home.  It was too hard.  I quit cleaning or expecting anyone else to because the drama was just too much.  I became ashamed to have anyone come to our home because it was a pit.  It did not happen all at once.  It happened over a period of years, and like so many things, I did not realize what was happening because I was too busy trying to survive emotionally.  The question became, 'can I live with this?'  The answer is yes.  I can live with this.  I was not then and am not now anything close to perfect.  All I can do is the best I can with what I have right now.

I guess the point of this post is to reach back out to those that have at least a chance of understanding what I have gone through the last 15 years.  Here's to hoping we all make progress.

[Hawk Ridge]

Thank you... .even though I did not want my relationship to end one level I was fearful I was not able to complete it as I wanted to give up.  The battle against the dysregulation took a toll and, compared to your 15 years, mine was a cruel up and down 1.5 years.  As you so artfully stated, "the disease" won. Thank you for your honesty and your bravery.  In your pain, you helped.  Thank you.

[Hope0807]

I am so so so very sorry for your loss.  I believe I may have seen your post in August when I joined, but I'm not sure.  I remember just getting used to accepting the idea that I had a disordered ex and someone had posted their SO lost their battle with the illness.  I cried many tears for you (or whoever posted that back in August) and for the potential fate of the man I left behind.

In time I learned my ex's disorder leaned most heavily into ASPD/Psychopathy, so with all due respect to you, I myself, moved healthily away from the compassion stance in my own situation.

With all that said, I can completely relate to the disaster of a living space.  That alone was an aspect of life that rotted my soul.  I desperately desired my home space to be my sanctuary.  Life had been tough enough before I moved in with him and I couldn't believe what was (like you said) happening slowly over time and could not, no matter  how hard I tried, be reversed.  Their disordered ways would prevail in that area too.

Today I rent a tiny apartment, a fraction of the size of my home, but perfectly suitable for just me and my dog.  I treasure the peace.  As the depression lifts, I will spruce the place up more and make it and me whole and beautiful again.

I absolutely loved to read that you find the peace liberating.  In spite of your monumentally tragic loss and feelings of guilt (I wish you didn't), there is a deep and profound strength of spirit that reads between your lines here.  I am both humbled and inspired by you coming back on and posting.

Sending you a giant hug.  

BPDh has been gone for more than 4 months.  And although I have been here everyday, I have neither logged, commented, or posted.  At first I did not post because I did not feel like there was a place for me here.  Posting on this board did not feel right.  I was committed to staying and I honestly did not feel like the relationship failed.  That meant I did not belong here.  The place I have come to, is that, no, the relationship did not fail.  The disease just won.  I hate that.  I hate that he was in so much pain that he saw no other solution.

Then, I felt like I could not even comment on anyone's post.  Surely, since he took his own life, I have no valid counsel to offer anyone.  I failed to even keep him alive.  Everything I say should be questioned.  So I chose to sit quietly.  I have come to realize that this is a lot of the FOG I have lived in for so long.  His disease convinced him that I could fix how he felt.  I felt guilty that I could not.  The fact is, sometimes this disease is fatal.  I know I was, by no means, perfect in this relationship.  In fact, I wish I could have been better.  So much better.  I wish I would have understood sooner, could have started working on my part sooner.  But I did not and am forgiving myself for that.

So where am I now?  I am living in the department of random.  So many emotions,  all in the same moment.  I miss him so much.  But, if I am totally honest, I do not miss living with someone who was so very disordered.  The peace and quiet is liberating.  In the same moment I can wish he was here because of a small daily event that I want to share with him.

Let me give a snapshot of the last 24 hours . . .

Last night I started going through his man cave.  I am remodeling the house and am cleaning everything.  Beginning to deal with this room in the house was such a physical picture of his disordered mind.  Although he spent at least 8 hours a day here (he was unemployed) and 'cleaned' and rearranged this room so often, it was a disaster.  At first I was angry and 'What the heck is wrong with you?'  And then I was heartbroken for him all over again.  So much pain.  Ever day.  All day.  Then today, on another bpdfamily post, I found a link to a site for BPD sufferers.  I read a thread there that someone talked about what happened when their significant other went to clean up the dishes after dinner.  What the SO said was 'so, I'll go tidy up.'  What the BPD heard was 'you are lazy and worthless because you are not doing this and I am going to leave you.'  My heart broke all over again.  So many memories of him dysregulating because I was doing something around the house.  Is this what was going on with him?  Then I had a lightbulb moment.  What was my part?  I knew immediately what is was.  I gave up.  After so many times of this happening, I just quit trying to have a nice home.  It was too hard.  I quit cleaning or expecting anyone else to because the drama was just too much.  I became ashamed to have anyone come to our home because it was a pit.  It did not happen all at once.  It happened over a period of years, and like so many things, I did not realize what was happening because I was too busy trying to survive emotionally.  The question became, 'can I live with this?'  The answer is yes.  I can live with this.  I was not then and am not now anything close to perfect.  All I can do is the best I can with what I have right now.

I guess the point of this post is to reach back out to those that have at least a chance of understanding what I have gone through the last 15 years.  Here's to hoping we all make progress.

[HappyNihilist]

Oh, InSearchofMe, I'm so sorry for your loss.  

Of course you belong here.  

The place I have come to, is that, no, the relationship did not fail.  The disease just won.

 

It is a sad truth that the disease does win sometimes. I'm glad you realize that this was entirely out of your control.

His disease convinced him that I could fix how he felt.  I felt guilty that I could not.  The fact is, sometimes this disease is fatal.  I know I was, by no means, perfect in this relationship.  In fact, I wish I could have been better.  So much better.  I wish I would have understood sooner, could have started working on my part sooner.  But I did not and am forgiving myself for that.

It's good that you're forgiving yourself. You loved him. That is the most important thing. You did your best with what you knew and had to work with at the time. We all make mistakes -- if we don't, then we're not trying. What matters is that you loved and supported him. You are loving and compassionate, and you deserve your own forgiveness.  

So where am I now?  I am living in the department of random.  So many emotions,  all in the same moment.  I miss him so much.  But, if I am totally honest, I do not miss living with someone who was so very disordered.  The peace and quiet is liberating.

This is a very emotionally tumultuous time. I don't blame you for enjoying the peace and quiet; it's very beneficial for healing. You have the freedom to let yourself feel all those emotions and begin to process them.

The question became, 'can I live with this?'  The answer is yes.  I can live with this.  I was not then and am not now anything close to perfect.  All I can do is the best I can with what I have right now.

That is absolute truth.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you continue to post and heal with us.  

[Pingo]

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry for what you have been through.  Please continue to share, you most certainly do belong here, I hope it will help in your healing as it will for all of us.  Sending you a big hug! 

[InSearchofMe]

Thank you dear bpdfamily friends for your caring and support.  It means so much.  I know I am still at the beginning of my journey in dealing with everything but you help so much.

Yes, Hope0807 that was me.  And I so relate to you wanting your home to be a sanctuary.  Mine was not. I was working from home and he was unemployed and I had no respite.  Working on creating the sactuary that I so need.

[morningagain]

i am so sorry.  constant fear for me, that my ex will end her life.  i finally concluded that one or the both of us would end up in the grave, prison, or both.  i cannot fix her, make her decisions for her.  ... .i am just so sorry for you.  it was his choice, not yours.

[Turkish]

It's a sobering realization to know that ultimately, there may be nothing we can do or could have done to save the pwBPD in our lives. The script of abandonment playing in their heads is so powerful,.it becomes an impulse or compulsion. The deep sense of self shame often means that they turn the other way from help, and love. "Maybe this had to happen," is what I heard. How can a fragmented self begin to tackle its demons?

We come here and also try to make sense of what we did wrong, and in many cases, there is no closure. It's love meeting [self] hatred. Matter meeting anit-matter.

I know you feel you may not belong, ISofM, but you and your story have a lot of tough and sobering lessons to teach us. I only hope that we can offer whatever support we can 

[peiper]

Your in the right place. This is a very insidious disease. Without having a deep understanding of it you did the best you could. I was told by my T that he thought she was BPD. I didn't investigate Too much into it, just kept hoping love would overcome the problem.  It didn't. Keep posting 

[InSearchofMe]

Micheal,

I honestly do not believe it was his choice.  I believe the disease just took over.  It made the decision.  Maybe that is naive. He fought so hard. Especially at the end.

Turkish,

One of the most difficult days was when the final cel phone bill arrived.  He called his psychiatrist 3 times that day.  It made me realize that if what or who they will believe will help them at that exact moment is not available, they are doomed.  Mostly that is not as severe as what happened here.  I will never have answers to so many things.  All I can do is try to heal and move forward.

[downwhim]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. My  goes out to you. Life can be so hard at times. I hope you feel that you are safe to heal and grow here... .

[LuckyEscapee]

Sincere sympathy for your loss

Sincere gratitude for your sharing

Take good care