Christmas Drama

[ReallyTrying]

First, thanks so much for this forum! Input and reading material has been so helpful.  I have been better able to help my parents understand what we are dealing with. Long story short, a series of post-thanksgiving rages and paranoid delusions caused a split between my family and my adopted sister. It was her choice. She told us that she would not be coming to our Christmas, and that we were to return all of the gifts we had purchased for her daughter.  The stress of an unwanted pregnancy combined with the holidays seemed to push her into mild to moderate episodes of psychosis.  We all agreed to not be reactive to her comments, as they seemed to be coming from a distorted and disturbed place in her brain.  Even so, the words spoken have deeply injured all other members of the family. 

Here is the issues:  All holiday activities were planned before my sister's emotional break.  Despite the fact that she broke up with us, unfriending us all on social media (despite having no conflict with many of us) and saying we were not coming to Christmas,  she has mentioned to a friend of hers that she is planning on attending one of the family's events.  This event is more delicate than others because it includes not only my family (who are used to the shenanigans) but also my brother's in-laws.  My parents are worried about being around her, still injured from her words and scared about the humiliation that any conflict would bring about at the event.  My siblings are much less understanding than I.  I feel that no one is ready for movement forward, as there has not been enough time to tend to all of the wounds.  (Each time, all the past injuries seem to resurface a bit, since we can't count on our sister to ask for forgiveness or even acknowledge the rupture of relationship).

Any advice on how to handle it. I feel like it falls to me, because my parents don't want to push her away, but can't figure out how to tell her she cannot come. I don't want them to have to do something that would yet again make them the bad guys (real or perceived).  I don't want to be uncomfortable at any of the holiday events.  I also don't think she is ready for the stress of being around a family that is still reeling from her pointed words.  Her most recent reported rage happened less than a week ago.  I have protected my children from experiencing her rage, and really really don't want them to witness it

HELP!    I feel stuck stuck stuck!

[Kwamina]

HELP!    I feel stuck stuck stuck!

I see, well then let's try if we can help you get 'unstuck'!

Welcome to the coping and healing board ReallyTrying  I am pleased to read that so far you've found the forum and resources here helpful.

Long story short, a series of post-thanksgiving rages and paranoid delusions caused a split between my family and my adopted sister. It was her choice. She told us that she would not be coming to our Christmas, and that we were to return all of the gifts we had purchased for her daughter.  The stress of an unwanted pregnancy combined with the holidays seemed to push her into mild to moderate episodes of psychosis.

The holidays and the period before and after are often very difficult when dealing with someone who has BPD. Many people with BPD have a very hard time dealing with stress, it seems that might indeed be part of the problem here with your sister. When you look back, would you say your sister's behavior around holidays has always been problematic? When did her difficult behavior start?

I feel that no one is ready for movement forward, as there has not been enough time to tend to all of the wounds.  (Each time, all the past injuries seem to resurface a bit, since we can't count on our sister to ask for forgiveness or even acknowledge the rupture of relationship).

I understand why you say this. The words and actions of people with BPD can be very hurtful. What might help you and your other family-members is to keep telling yourself that no matter what she says or does, it isn't necessarily a reflection of who you truly are but more likely to be a reflection of your sister's dysregulation and inner turmoil. Easier said than done of course, I realize that  But I have found that repeating this to myself helps keep me calm or at least calmer and prevents my undiagnosed BPD family-members from getting to me too much.

I feel like it falls to me, because my parents don't want to push her away, but can't figure out how to tell her she cannot come. I don't want them to have to do something that would yet again make them the bad guys (real or perceived).

It's only natural that you would want to help and protect your parents. But by assuming this responsibility you are taking on a huge 'burden' all by yourself. Do you feel like your parents also accept the possibility that your sister might have BPD? Have you talked to your parents about how they themselves can set and enforce boundaries with your sister?

I also don't think she is ready for the stress of being around a family that is still reeling from her pointed words.  Her most recent reported rage happened less than a week ago.  I have protected my children from experiencing her rage, and really really don't want them to witness it

Based on what you've shared here, I'd say you are probably right about your sister not being ready. Unfortunately you can't control her, but what you can do is control yourself (or we can at least try to control ourselves  ). My advice would be to focus on the things you can do yourself by preparing yourself as best as you can based on your experiences so far and the things you've read on this website. I also suggest taking a look at this great thread about preparing yourself for Christmas:

Tips and tricks for Christmas

Good for you that you've been able to protect your children from her rages Do you think your children are aware of the fact that there's something wrong with their auntie?

[HappyChappy]

Hi I would back up what Kwamina said. But also remember that when a BPD makes a scene it to manipulate us, as an 8 year old girl might. If you view your sis as an 8 year old it may make it easier for you to forgive her behaviour. And never forget the cruel words are not about you, but more about BPD need to get narcisstic supply (attention etc... ). So if you’re relaxed at your function and use S.E.T. to communicate with your sister then you should get the best result.

I was also the fixer in the family, so the one expected to mend everything as speak with the BPD & NPD when stopping and giving the silent treatment and  throwing their toys out of the prams (just like 8 year olds) etc... .But a BPD will always attack boundaries and if mommy says no she’ll go to daddy. She’ll try and get you to fight against each other. Hence it helps to present a united front to a BPD. when presenting boundaries.

As for BPD using functions to embarrass us. Well if we don’t allow the BPD to wind us up and hence we don’t “lose it” they are more likely to embarrass themselves than us. When that happens, they are less likely to use functions as a means to manipulate. Easier said than done. But the last time we every saw my NPD bro, he spent the whole day hitting our triggers hard, he escalated his behaviour thought the function, until he was seen hitting (and slapping) our young boy. We all got up from the Grand dinner table, explained such behaviour was unacceptable and left. The shame was on him, people understood. So I’m not saying that may happen with you, but if you keep your cool, use S.E.T with sis, any embarrassment will probably fall her way (other BPD might side with her, but norms won’t) . You may even enjoy it. If it stresses you out and she can trigger you, there’s always the chance some last minute thing prevents you from being there, which would also resolve it. You’ve got choices.   

[ReallyTrying]

I fear that I am about to reveal my immaturity in dealing with my sister's borderline.  I am feeling frustrated that my sister's family life has no consequences.  She gets to uninvite us from being a part of her life and her daughter's life, but then if the mood strikes her, she gets to pop back in, like nothing ever happened.  I'm also frustrated because she issued her baby daddy a long apology for her rage at him. I know that this is because she needs him for her basic needs to be met once her baby comes.  But even though I know it is a manipulation (not sure that she is really aware that it is), I am left with this feeling of... .him really?  We have been dealing with this for almost two decades and HE gets the apology?

I really really really want to tell her that she revoked her own invitation to the holiday events when she ended relationship with us, and she is welcome back when she invites us back in.  I hate pretending like nothing happened.

Now i'm the 8 year old . 

[ReallyTrying]

My sister showed some mild attachment type issues throughout her childhood.  She came into our family at 11, and had a really really rough go of it before finding safety.  Very sadly, she left us for the first time at 18.  From there, a series of unsafe choices led her to experience very extreme and awful trauma into her early adulthood.  She would pop in and out of our family, occasionally raging, most often at my parents.  Stress is what really tends to make her mean. When she is not stressed, she is ego-centric, and moderately dramatic, but nothing that is not easily handled.  She is also capable of kindness and excitement for others, if she is in a really good place.   I can tell she is always keeping track of her hurts from us, real or imagined.  This go round, her pregnancy is what has triggered this round of bizarre and abusive behavior.  She blames EVERYONE else for her getting pregnant, even though, we know from the father that they were not using any type of contraceptive/birth control.

This most recent episode has brought reality crashing down for my parents.  They had both hoped for her that she would be able to someday manage a healthy romantic relationship and family life, each other disruption providing an excuse for her behavior.  We are all very aware of the role of trauma in her BPD and are sad that her synapses are firing in all the wrong directions. 

My kids are still quite young.  Their relationship with my other sister and my BPD sister is quite different, but I don’t think they have any ability to understand why.

[Harri]

Hi ReallyTrying. 

I don't think you sound like an 8 year old.  Not even a little bit.  Of course you feel frustrated with the situation!  I think anyone would feel the same. 

I really really really want to tell her that she revoked her own invitation to the holiday events when she ended relationship with us, and she is welcome back when she invites us back in.  I hate pretending like nothing happened.

Why not say this to her?  The only change I would make is to change the word 'us' to 'me' since you can't and really shouldn't speak for your entire family.  Your parents and other siblings get to decide what is right for them and you get to decide what is right for you.  You need to protect and honor yourself and your own kids.  If it makes it any easier to do this, know that the only chance she has of seeing that she can't continue to act this way and perhaps seek help is to have to deal with real world consequences of her own poor choices and behaviors.  If she never gets to the point of seeking help for herself, you will at least be taking care of yourself and your own kids. 

If you do decide to speak up, know that she most likely will get upset and quite possibly your parents will as well.  Most likely, her behaviors will escalate.  It is to be expected any time you start setting boundaries and change your role in the family.  It sounds like you are the fixer.  The problem is, the only person you can 'fix' is you.  Your parents, siblings and even you sister get to take care of their own self.

What do you think?

[HappyChappy]

RealyTrying I feel your frustration. You highlight how unfair your BPD has been, not apologising to you and all the rest. But it sounds like you’ve been a very loving and supportive sister . You can’t do more than that, and hence you should not feel bad about your BPD behaviour, as it’s not your fault. We can’t change others, but we can change how a BPD behaviour effects us.  Once you know about BPD, it gets easier and easier  to deal with as time goes on (in my experience).