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ShadowIntheNight
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« on: December 12, 2014, 07:01:16 PM » |
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Hi all. Just posting cause I've got the end of year holiday blues. It's the first time in 9 years we won't be spending the holidays together. My ex uBPDgf left me in August (via a typewritten note in my birthday card from her), and we have had extremely limited contact since then, like maybe twice a month, and only with one or two emails. She actually started fading our relationship in June, and that is the last time I've physically spoken to her, after talking with her almost everyday the last 10 years.
We did not live together nor in the same city and essentially, after being in a lesbian relat for 9.5 years she decided that she had to be straight. So in her "breakup" note she told me she had been dating men during the summer. There's way too much more to this whole story and it's over on the newbie board, but I'm here tonight because I'm just lonely as can be.
I miss talking to her, I miss telling her jokes, I miss her telling me about her day, I miss her boys, who I have known since they were 2 and 4, I just miss our life. We spent every New year's together. If the boys were with their dad, it was her and me. If they were with her, it was all four of us. We never had any holiday stressors. They were always fantastic and this isn't me just living in a lala place in my head.
In a week it will be our 10 year anniversary of meeting. I doubt that she even remembers it. Probably all excited about whoever the new guy is and what gifts he's giving her and all of them sharing their "first" Christmas together. I have to fake it with everyone at my home that I'm doing fine. Who wants to be the holiday downer, right?
I've been having restricted calls from PRIVATE NUMBERS since the first of September and some of them have been hangups. I suspect it's her. Don't tell me it's telemarketers. I never had a single hangup call in 10 years of knowing her. Since September I get a couple a month. I've had 3 so far in December. Who knows, maybe she does miss me. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part that's it's even her. I just know I can't chase her because the times she's "gone running screaming down the halls" that she just can't be a lesbian, I've always been the one to reach out. If she doesn't do it now, she never will. She knows I know the only reason she wants to be with a man is because it's convenient and covers her. Prior to me, she had been married for 10 years too.
Still, it hurts imagining that she's got her happy life with her new boyfriend and they're putting up their tree and all that other Christmas crap. And after 10 years of being there for her and her being here for me, there's nothing. I don't even know what the point of the relationship even was. And some days, I don't even know how to get thru. Btw, she's 46 and I'm 52, so it's not like we're little kids.
I'm just venting. Thanks for reading.
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