worried and lonely (BPD hermit mother)

[January86]

Hello everyone !

A bit of background: I'm the daughter of a BPD -hermit type mother. After a period of trauma when I learnt about BPD I've been enjoying my independence (I left my parents home) and learning about mindfulness, controlling my negative thoughts, my maladaptive-day dreaming... .On the other side I had some bad times whenever I go back home to visit my cat (I couldn't take her with me) and see all the crazy dynamic going on.

Anyway I write because I'm having a bad time as yesterday I found a breast lump and my mother had breast cancer so I know I have a genetic disposition. I'm really worried but as it is Sunday I have to wait until tomorrow to see my gynecologist. Also, I made the bad choice to come back to my parents today to see my cat that normally cheers me up, but I'm particularly sensitive and just seeing the family BPD dynamic is terrible cause I know if something goes wrong I dont have family support.

I have a boyfriend that really cares about me and was with me yesterday all day but I don't have any other good friends, just general friends and classmates.  What I'm studying for doesnt let me spare time to socialise.

I realise I might expect too much of my boyfriend and I already had to stop my negative thoughts several times when thinking:" You see, he feels I am a burden now that I might have cancer" "He doesn't see me atractive anymore" ... .I have to be very careful because when my mother had cancer her BPD behaviour was out of control, she made me the "all-good person" and my father the "all-bad person", she was all day shouting, and didn't let anyone help her... .

I don't want to be like so over sensitive, dramatic... .that but at the same time I want to be able to ask for help, and it's hard for me to balance as I'm very worried. It's scary for me not to have several people to ask for advice, just my boyfriend.

So I thought about writing in this wonderful forum so I don't annoy my boyfriend too much with my worriness as now that I feel really lonely. Thank you in advance  

[Finding Courage]

Hugs.  Many breast lumps are benign, especially if you are young.  I had some and they were nothing serious.  You will likely be ok. 

For me, Times of stress make it harder to think clearly and healthy, maybe just try and take care of yourself today and take it one step at a time.

[Kwamina]

Hi there January86

Yes I remember your background story very well. I am very happy for you that you've been able to enjoy some independence and learned new things to help you deal with your anxiety and negative thoughts. I'm sorry that you couldn't take your cat with you though. It must be hard for her too, dealing with the BPD behavior. I wonder if your cat is considered to be that all-good or all-bad cat

Anyway I write because I'm having a bad time as yesterday I found a breast lump and my mother had breast cancer so I know I have a genetic disposition. I'm really worried but as it is Sunday I have to wait until tomorrow to see my gynecologist. Also, I made the bad choice to come back to my parents today to see my cat that normally cheers me up, but I'm particularly sensitive and just seeing the family BPD dynamic is terrible cause I know if something goes wrong I dont have family support.

I definitely understand why you're so worried about that lump you found, especially considering your mother had breast cancer. It's only logical that this would cause you stress and anxiety. Finding Courage rightly points out that many breast lumps are benign so there's definitely a good possibility that everything will turn out all right. I hope you get to see your doctor today.

When you notice yourself having negative thoughts like this, it might help to ask yourself what evidence you have to support those thoughts? Could there perhaps be an alternative scenario that might just as well be true? Take the lump you found, concerning indeed but until you've had your definitive tests you can't know for certain what's going on. Many lumps are benign, so there's more than one scenario here, not just the worst case scenario.

When it comes to your boyfriend, it might help to ask yourself how do you know that this is what he's thinking? Can you read his mind? Has he said these things to you or are you just assuming them? You mention yourself that you've already had to stop your negative thoughts several times and asking yourself these kind of questions can help you combat the negativity.

Take care January86

[January86]

Thank you Finding Courage and Kwamina, your support it's so valuable for me   

I got an appointment for tomorrow morning (ufff, another 24 hours... .)  :'( , I asked for the possibility of a short visit today, but they recommended me tomorrow morning so I could see the specialist instead, as he can make an ecography. I can't deny I'm dissapointed but I will be trustful this time and think that they recommended the best option for my health.

Finding Courage, it's true that it is more difficult to think healthy when we most need it... .it is so unfair! I guess that is why it is so important to work in ourselves when we are ok, so then we have "acquired techniques" in the bad times. Unfortunately, the idea that when something like this happens, people think clearer it's not always true (kind of "Breaking bad" tv show hah), I thought it was like that but it's not, and I feel lucky I have this new abilities.

Kwamina, I will ask myself those questions whenever a negative thought comes into my mind. I have nothing to support those negative thoughts on. But anyway what I try to keep in mind is that nobody has a "how to perfectly behave in everysituation hand-book", so even if he says something that I don't like such us being busy when I might need to go for a walk with him, I just have to communicate better to him and not get angry straight away. But it is so difficult being over sensitive!Reactions happen very quick. I guess BPD people feel like this all time, it is exhausting.

I will just use this 24 hours to work in myself and my react-behaviours like an challenge  .

It is hilarious what you mention about my cat!  It seems crazy but she actually makes my cat the "all good" and tries to make me jelaous about my cat loving her so much. She "humanises" all the cat behaviours. If the cat is sleeping next to her and doesnt wake up when I enter the door, she takes it as such a big deal and depending on her day she says "you see, she is so happy with me" or "don't worry, she loves you she's just tired". Why such big deal, she's a cat, she sleeps a lot  .

[HappyChappy]

Your not alone chucky.   Your age is on your side when it comes to lumps. Even if they do find something, things have moved on big time in recovery. I read that most people now survive. My dad was given a couple of years to live (according to his BPD wife) 'cause they found it late, and 20 years on he's still here. 

[momtara]

It's tough to deal with parents' mental illness when you are young.  Good for you for getting out of there.  Maybe you can work on getting a place where you can have the cat?

Many breast lumps are benign, esp. at that age.  I had two at age 20 that were removed.  Turns out I was just prone to fibrocystic breasts.

Your boyfriend sounds caring.  It's hard to worry about being a burden, but common.  Don't be hard on yourself. 

Hang in there.  You are getting stronger every day!

[January86]

Thank you Momtara and HappyChappy   

It's been so nice to read these messages, you made my day be much easier.

I have good news, in the ecography it seems a benign cyst.   I will just have it checked every certain time just in case. I'm so relieved! Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life, mostly due to the lack of information.

I was controlling my mind most of the time and finding ways to feel distracted and I feel really proud of myself I didn't have any "crisis". I'm also happy I was able not to tell my parents anything, because it would be tempting to seek attention and become the all-good child for a while, but consenquences and their stress and anxiety come hand in hand. It's the first time in my life I deal with a serious situation by myself.

But mostly I'm relieved  big hugs

[momtara]

Good for you!  It's hard with so many things going on at once.  You are an adult now so think of all the great years you have ahead of you to do what you want.  Get stronger, find ways to make money, and then you won't need to rely on anyone for anything.

[HappyChappy]

Fantastic news. 

[Kwamina]

I have good news, in the ecography it seems a benign cyst.   I will just have it checked every certain time just in case. I'm so relieved! Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life, mostly due to the lack of information.

That's great news January86! I had been thinking about you and am very happy that it seems to be something benign. This news truly does deserve a lot of smiley faces so here are some more:

I was controlling my mind most of the time and finding ways to feel distracted and I feel really proud of myself I didn't have any "crisis". I'm also happy I was able not to tell my parents anything, because it would be tempting to seek attention and become the all-good child for a while, but consenquences and their stress and anxiety come hand in hand. It's the first time in my life I deal with a serious situation by myself.

What you describe here is also very important and something you can built on going forward. You were able to deal with a difficult and scary situation without letting it spiral out of control into an emotional crisis which is something you can definitely be very proud of

[January86]

Hello and Happy Christmas Everyone!   I wish for all of you a BPD-free Christmas. As I heard somewhere… “All the drama for my lashes”  

Sorry in advance…maybe I should be posting in a health forum instead… In the ecography my gynecologist checked my axillary-lymphs as well (they were ok) and a week later I remembered  that I have a small lump in behind the ear.

Several months ago I detected this ear lump and didn’t worry too much as I had a throat infection at the same time, many people told me it was normal to have inflamated lymphs and that they took time to go back to normal. Also my general doctor told me he wasn’t even sure that it was a lymph node, it could be also a sebaceous thing.

So the ear lump is still there and didn’t grow or reduced since then, but now I connected it because: a) it was in the same period of time and I had never inflamated lymph before b)it is in the same side as the breast lump. So I thought I should tell my gynecologist.

My problem is that I feel very stupid going back and having a revision, because I am aware that it is likely it has nothing to do with it, and considering I will have a revision in three months from now, I could wait.

My boyfriend told me to go “just to stop worrying” and that made me feel worse…we even argued because of it. In fact, I'm not worried -nothing like before the ecography- I tried to explained, I just want to be cautious and never have to regret anything.

One part of me tells me that I should go because I save a lot of money not buying clothes,not going out…So I can spend it in whatever I want and my health is my priority. At the same time I don’t think it is so unreasonable to be cautious as some cancers go to the lymphs before they even create a lump…(I had an ecography not a biopsia). Plus, I have my exams soon and I would like to focus.

On the other hand I feel so embarrassed what my gynecologist will think…I worry myself if I’m hypochondriatic. It is true I’m a very perfectionist person and that I have Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (not obsessive-compulsive disorder).  I even worry that if the doctor thinks I’m hypochondriatic he might stop taking me seriously if in the future I have real problems. Were is the line between cautious and crazy? Are my concerns justified?

It is ironic I care more about what my gynecologist think about me spending my money for this than actually spending it. 

Of course all of this is related with how my mother behaved when she was ill, I don’t want to behave like her accusing everybody of her illness. I am responsible of my own health-actions so that is why it is difficult for me taking decisions. I want to be cautious, not crazy.

Thank you and big hugs

[Kwamina]

On the other hand I feel so embarrassed what my gynecologist will think…I worry myself if I’m hypochondriatic.

Good thing is that you don't know what your gynecologist thinks!  So there are many different scenarios for what he might be thinking but you don't know which one is true. Since you don't have any evidence to determine which of the alternatives is true, you might as well stop worrying. How do you feel about that?  If you really want to know how your gynecologist thinks, you could always ask her of course.

Putting your own health and well-being first is very important. If you feel that after carefully weighting all the options that it would be the wise thing to do to have this checked out now, then I'd say that is probably what you should do. Could it perhaps be that after your recent health scare you now might be feeling like I don't wanna make a big deal out of anything else? If that would be your line of thinking, it could be that this is clouding your judgement now. General doctors aren't always capable of making a proper diagnosis so that's also something to take into account.

And you can you can of course always go with the pragmatic solution of having it checked out now because you were gonna do it anyway in three months time. Might as well do it now, with the added bonus that it spares you three more months of any possible worries and it's always advisable to check these things out in an early stage just in case.

No matter what you decide to do, I wish you a very Merry Christmas January86!  

[January86]

Thanks for the advice! Ill keep in mind that there are many scenarios about what my gynaecologist might think, and to be honest he probably has more serious stuff to think about than making judgements.if I get embarrassed I might even ask him, as you suggested.

I guess I have to be more confident about my own decisions.

Thanks for the support kwamina!have a merry Christmas

Pd.I wanted to clarify, as I explained myself very messy before, that the reason why I want to have a revision is to ask my gynaecologist if my ear lymph lump might be related to the breast lump, as lymph nodes drain the cancerous cells. So it means an additional revision because I will have to go back anyway in three months.

Sorry for my English and my messy long explanations!

[Harri]

Hello January 

I am sorry you have to deal with the fear and concern about health related issues.  It is not uncommon to have to go back after an initial visit/evaluation once the major concern (your breast lump) is explored and I don't think your doctor will think twice about your concern, other than to be glad you decided to be proactive.     Kwamina is so right when he says you really don't know what the doctor is thinking.

You are choosing to be proactive and I think that is a good thing. 

Take good care, and Merry Christmas to you too!

[January86]

Hello again! Thanks again for your support, even if it was for something so trivial such us revisiting a doctor. It seemed huge for me at the momment, my self steem is very down, I still see myself through the eyes of other people (or I better say, what I think people think of me, which is not necessarily what they actually think).

I really liked what you said, Harri, about being proactive. I think it's a great word and as I believe in the impact that words have in our emotions I tell it to myself now when I need it "I'm being proactive" :D

In the end i went to the doctor (the second lump is ok) he was really nice and we even chatted (after the evaluation of course) about other issues and he asked me advice about some things, etc... .So yes, it is a proof that the scenario was in fact very different, I even became "friend" of the doctor.

It is amazing how my mind focuses so much about an only scenario, I'll have to work this out too.

Happy New Year for everyone in this board, i wish you the best with all my heart, you are so important in my life!

[Kwamina]

That's great news! Happy new year to you too