what to do?

[meantcorn34]

I am 61, disabled single mom of a 22 year old daughter diagnosed with BPD. I adopted her as an infant. Her initial diagnosis at age 5 was ADHD, followed later by bipolar, obsessive defiant disorder and more that I don't remember. She went off meds at 16 and refuses to try any others. DD dropped out of high school in 9th grade: I was too ill to fight with her about it. She has spent her time since getting high, hanging out with highly questionable characters and avoiding responsibility. She has made significant progress in that she no longer steals from me. Last time was about 2 years ago. We are both on disability.

It was suggested to me about a year ago that DD apply for services through the state dept of developmental disabilities - although she is not intellectually disabled. DD refuses to cooperate. She also refuses therapy or anything else to improve her life. She is verbally abusive to me, puts responsibility on me to solve her problems.

DD impulsively moved halfway across the country with a girl she met on the internet, leaving me holding the bag with our financial responsibilities.She came back after about 6 months wanting the 2 of us to get a bigger apartment together. (my apt is quite small.) She swears she won't run off again leaving me with an apt I can't afford.

While she was gone, I applied for subsidized housing for seniors/disabled and was just notified that I will be offered a subsidized apt within the coming year.I am doing the paperwork now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

It posted too soon. Sorry.

My T says go ahead and move into subsidized apt (where DD cannot live with me) and let Dd get a dose of reality and responsibility for herself. I am afraid because she is so gullible and hangs out with questionable characters that she us safer with me. T says I am not going to be around forever. Let her face it now. Maybe she'll see she needs therapy and/or apply for ddd services.

For myself, the subsidized apt is a dream come true, but I am conflicted about taking it because of my daughter. What if DD can't make it on her own? My T says he can get her into a boarding home so she won't be homeless. But she may reject that. Then what?

I am an emotional mess. What should I do ?

[MammaMia]

meantcorn

There comes a time in every parent's life when they have to start thinking about what is best for them. Your DD is an adult, and you cannot afford to live around her whims.  There is no guarantee she will not run off again and leave you financially devastated. The long and the short of it is that she has damaged your ability to trust her.

You have someone to help find housing for her.  If she refuses, it is going to be her decision and her responsibility.  You have done your job all these years, and now it is her turn to try.  Not having a safety net may encourage her to succeed.

Please think about your own needs.  Is this an opportunity you can refuse?  

[TryingToBeHappy]

meantcorn,

Move into your dream home, this may be the push she needs to start being a bit more responsible. I wouldn't go with anything she says in regards to "she won't leave you to foot the bill on an expensive place"... .I'm sure you've realized by now, you cannot rely on her for ANYTHING.

You can't carry on worrying about her, it's her choice to be around questionable people, my daughter is the same, she hangs out with losers who take drugs, she played on my worry, that's how they get you to do what they want.

There comes a point where you have to do what is right for you, you can't live your life being held hostage by her whims.

[meantcorn34]

Thank you both for your feedback. I really appreciate it. I needed to hear it from someone else who understands.

[chooselove]

I agree without reservation with the others who have posted before me.  I wish you peace in moving ahead with your new home. And I'm very appreciative of your T for being there for both you and your daughter. 

[meantcorn34]

My daughter is threatening suicide when I move. It could be 6 - 9 months before I get the apartment so there is no rush for her to find a place. But, it triggered her fears of abandonment. My heart breaks for her, but as you all said, I need a do what is best for me now.

How do I support her through her fears?