Elderly BPD MIL

[martillo]

Elder MIL (uBPD) and FIL (co-dependent and super, super controlling and manipulative) both having health problems.  Learning more and more about exactly how dysfunctional their relationship was (and still is) and how uBPDh grew up - bad news!  

In-laws are several states away and at a point that they are endangering themselves remaining in charge of their own care - uBPDh went into full rescuer mode earlier this week at his dad's request to take over his mom's care and then dad backed out and the mushroom cloud went off in our home and it was all somehow my fault (even though I told H that I would support him in whatever decision family made).     Grrrr... .but (while I don't love it) I have tools in place to deal w H.  SIL near in-laws has reached her max ability to keep providing care and desperately needs help - H was planning visit in early January - hasn't seen his parents since '09 ... .during the mushroom cloud event the other day, H said he wasn't going.  

We already have flight arranged and paid and I think he will go, but if he doesn't go, it will be me who goes.  After talking to SIL, I am almost afraid to go, but yikes, someone besides her needs to go help assess situation (she is worn out) and see what services we (as a family) can get in place.  I had previously posted on this back in April and we have had at least 2 "episodes" since then with no resolution as FIL is a very successful co-dependent cover-up master.  His physical health is failing though and MIL's mental health is really bad.

Any suggestions from those who have dealt w elderly BPD parent and their co-dependent partner?

[JulesC]

Hi martillo

Sorry to hear it's so full on - uBPDMIL, co-dependent FIL and uBPDh is an awful lot to deal with   and it sounds as though you do amazingly well most of the time.

You ask... .

Any suggestions from those who have dealt w elderly BPD parent and their co-dependent partner?

I have two elderly parents in their 80's. uBPD mother and enabler/codependent, good at covering up & narcissistic tendencies father, so I have a bit of experience in this kind of territory.

You say you will go in Jan if H doesn't, and that you're almost afraid to go. What are the things that you fear? And what are the "episodes" that have happened in the last few months? Do you know why FIL is asking for your H to take over MIL's care. What is going on with MIL? Is there any clear medical support/facts about her condition?

Earlier this year, my father declared he could no longer care for my mother. She had just been admitted to hospital at the time and it looked like she'd die. She'd been eating less and less for 3 years, said she felt very ill, was excruciatingly thin & just seemed to be dying of old age. Hospital found nothing wrong with her, father changed his mind completely about being her carer once she'd been gone a week or two, she forgot she felt ill and was discharged, started eating like a horse, has now gained all weight lost (  and they are back living under the same roof as if none of it ever happened   I exhausted myself by supporting them both, believing them both & getting sucked in by the whole ordeal. It was a big lesson.

What I'm saying here is that elderly BPD's can be v prone to using health as a way to get attention. Watch out for this! And the enabler (in your case your FIL) may make all sorts of noises about no longer being able to cope and then about turn and continue with the codependent dance while you're left trying to regain your sanity.

It's kind and caring of your to support your SIL but they are not your parents so be careful not to take on responsibility that's a big weight to carry. You must have a lot on your plate already with uBPDh. And remember that it may be difficult to work out exactly what's going on with their health... .you may never work it out in fact! Get as much info straight from medical staff as you can, remember you're operating in dysfunctional and unpredictable territory and put caring for yourself, your energy levels and your sanity as high priority.

Good luck with it all 

[martillo]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php#8

JulesC:  Above is a link to my original post on this subject.     your description of your situation almost parallels my in-laws except they are both only 75.  Poor SIL who lives near them is also a ":)IL" and her H works overseas so she is dealing with them basically alone and usually seems ok with the craziness.  This time FIL (who also has those same narcissistic tendencies you mention in your father) was very ill, in the hospital, couldn't do anything for or with MIL who was on the "outside" breaking down while under the watchful eye of SIL - MIL was always hypochondriac, pain med seeker who has now been diagnosed as "dementia."  Most everyone (except FIL) who knows MIL thinks she is faking her dementia.  I don't know - we aren't there and haven't been in their company on a regular basis for several years (OK by me)

What are the things that you fear?

  I always knew MIL was verbally abusive, but I have heard from SIL and uBPDh aunt that MIL has been and continues to be physically abusive with FIL and SIL - throwing things at them while using foul language and making faces - sounds so child-like and childish! () but not sure how I would deal with MIL if she threw something at me... .

UBPDh or I would only be going for a short visit in order to establish viability of putting private home care in place - we live too far away to be help on a daily basis and even if we were to move his parents closer to us, we would need to put something in place as uBPDh, his brother (who lives near us) and his wife and I all work full time so aren't available for 24/7 care.

The biggest problems I see right now are that FIL's health which has not been good, is getting much worse - he has fallen at least 3 times in the last month in the middle of the night and he has MIL get him a blanket and pillow, lays on the floor until morning and then calls SIL to come get him up.  They won't call an ambulance to come help him up and check him out.  FIL was supposed to go to rehab at discharge this time and refused and is at home with home health which is short term and only a few hours each day M-F.  Their mental health aside, in-laws are really in a place where they are endangering themselves.

But like you said, we could go, get everything set up, in place and operating smooth like butter and when we leave in-laws dismiss care providers and go back to living in the extreme dysfunctional way they are living. 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response - it recalls for me the three Cs of Al-anon - I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it... .

[martillo]

I have been in contact by phone with a company who provides private duty care, the HH agency that MIL was using (it stopped in September), their local health department about care services provided by their county and state.  I will continue to work on this from where we are so we H or I aren't going in totally blind.  I really hope that H goes but he doesn't get along w SIL either so... .it could get interesting to say the least!

[martillo]

Been a while since I posted on this issue, but wanted to share that in-laws came to visit us in our state in June 2015 and annnounced they were selling their home and moving back to "our town."  During the winter, FIL had slipped on ice and fallen outside in sub freezing weather and couldn't get up and thank goodness had his cell and was able to call a friend to get him up and inside.  He uses a walker or canes to get around.

We weren't aware of the fall incident at that time, but UBPDh went into full rescue mode; paid a moving company to pack up all their stuff; we bought the house next door to us which was going on the market with intent that FIL and MIL would be paying rent so we can cover the mortgage and since August 15 they have been living next door to us.  (Not paying rent but that is hubby's fault... .he won't ask for it - and they can afford it)

It has been quite interesting to say the least... .MIL dementia is very much for real and she has actually been the easiest to deal with.  FIL narcissistic tendencies have ratcheted up to quite an impressive level and the brothers still all dont get along or talk or work together to assist w parents.  For some reason, (per FIL who has always been the master at playing his boys one against th other) both BILs think uBPDh is lying about what we have done as far as effort, money, time invested in moving the folks here, purchasing ,renovating (paint, update all electrical,add ADA bathroom), yard and home maintenance, getting them around to appointments, and blame UBPDh for moving parents here ... .brother in old state because now he has been "abandoned" and brother in "our town" because (his words) he wouldn't have bought his boat (a 60 ft yacht anchored on the ocean in another state) if he had known parents were moving back ... .

MIL who was my biggest nemesis in rhe past is always so happy to see me and saves most all her venom for her hubby  (he is actually quite mean to her).  It's almost sad though because her venom is pretty weak since a good deal of the time her dementia causes her to lose her words and she can only resort to slinging water at him from her water bottle.  FIL tells everyone I am his "most trusted advisor" but definitely only follows recomendations of his choosing 

H and my marriage has always sort of "teetered on the brink" and this has pushed H to a new level of dysfunction and our marriage is much, much closer to the brink ... .

Just a long update and a vent and ... .

We're definitely not in Kansas anymore!