My heartache

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I met a woman in July 2013. She had just lost her husband 3 months earlier who died of cancer. Me, I felt love the moment I met her. We got into a relationship very soon after meeting. The relationship for the next year had very good moments end not so good moments. I was in process of getting divorced which was finalized this past Sept.

Ironically this is when the relationship hit hard times. A week later I went to Florida and she was upset with me for that. A week after I was gone I got a call from her informing she met another man on a dating site but refused to say we were over. A couple days later she told me that she had not heard back from this guy. Then a couple days later she calls and says she is now in a relationship with this guy who knew of her love for me. Which is something I could never do, that is be involved with a woman who is in a relationship. Me, I would say, let me know when you are no longer with this guy.

Again, I asked her if we were finished and she would not say other than when I  get back we will talk. I return we talk and she can not break it off. We still keep communicating. She tells me that she is not having sexual relationship with him because she has a female issue that she needs to see a Dr. for. She lied, she was in fact having sex with him. She would throw in my face what a great person this guy is. Every body loves him. That is everyone but her!

We argued off and on for the next week when during a phone conversation, she gets mad at me and hangs up. I do not talk to her or have any contact with the next three days when I get a text at 3 am from here saying that I was right, she loved me and would call me later. I get a call from here around 9am asking me to comfy over. I do and we spend the next 6 hrs talking with her. She had plans that night but the next night we do dinner at her daughters and have a great evening. Sunday the next day we meet at her place and without warning she gets mad at me and starts yelling at me telling me if I do not leave she would call 911. I left and the next day she sends a text and apologizes.

The next day we met for breakfast and after went to a home that she is in process of selling and I was going to help her load up her car when she goes off on me about how useless I am. I leave and of course a day later I get a message apologizing. A couple days later we go to lunch and she says she can not understand why she is treating me this way. Later that day she gets sick and is admitted to the hospital. I go up the next day and spend the night with her and actually lay in the hospital bed with her. The next morning she tells me I have to leave because her other male friend is coming up and does not want us there together. I do as she requests and leave but return at 9pm and once again spend the night and sleep with her. I hold her all night. She holds my hand, squeezing and kissing it through out the night.

In the morning she need to have couple procedures and I stay there with her and after the procedures we talk and she is telling me that we are going to move forward with the relationship and have this other guy back off. I take her home and I am spending the night with her. She goes to call this other guy to tell him he needs to back off but returns to say that we will move forward but she is still going to communicate with the other guy. So we are both tired end decide to call it a night early. We fell asleep holding each other. She wakes up at 2:30 and we have sex. We go back to sleep and I wake up at 8am and she is sitting in the bed end informs me once again that we are not going to move on. I leave upset and decided I need to get away and return to Fla the Monday before Thanksgiving.

On the Day of my flight I am at he airport at the gate waiting to board the plane talking with her the phone when I tell her that I am thinking of buying a place in Fla. When she tells me that if I do that she maybe willing to follow me out there for the winter and that in the Spring we can return home end live at her place until the next winter. I tell her that hearing me has me so motivated. Later that week she calls me to say that I have to buy this place to me and not her. I tell her that no, I am buying it for us because I know what Florida means to her. A couple days later did calls to tell me that she made out a police report for harassment and mat get an order of protection against me because I am a risk to her. Now mind you, I am 1,300. Miles from her and never threatened her other than to say maybe I should call this other guy and tell him what her and I have been up to. So I have no contact with her other than we are playing computer games on out I-pads together.  

Then a week ago yesterday she calls me and says that she owes me an explanation what is going on. She tells me that she has an "ulterior motive" when it comes to the other guy but would not elaborate. During the call she tells me that she loved me. After the call she texts, I love you and then sends me a picture of me and her newborn granddaughter and says this is her favorite picture of us. A few minutes later I get a message that she will go to Fla. with me. I return back home and she will not see me. We talked a couple times after I returned And spoke on the phone and she asks me to back off so she can get the help she needs but she is still going to see this other guy.

Hearing that confuses me as I can not understand how if she needs to find herself and I need to leave her be but the other guy can I have a relationship with her. And I complain about that and her response is, it's only one night a week! But in the meantime we can still play the two computer games that we do. Today, while I was in the shower the sheriffs dept shows up to serve me either an order of protection. I am so confused. I know this woman loves me so why is she putting me through all of this? I know that I need to just let this be an d move on. But it is so difficult when I lover like I do and knowing she loves me. I  have decided to walk away and if she calls me and try's to put me through this again I am just hoping to have to tell her that I am moving on.

[Rocco6]

I met a woman in July 2013. She had just lost her husband 3 months earlier who died of cancer. Me, I felt love the moment I met her. We got into a relationship very soon after meeting. The relationship for the next year had very good moments end not so good moments. I was in process of getting divorced which was finalized this past Sept.

Ironically this is when the relationship hit hard times. A week later I went to Florida and she was upset with me for that. A week after I was gone I got a call from her informing she met another man on a dating site but refused to say we were over. A couple days later she told me that she had not heard back from this guy. Then a couple days later she calls and says she is now in a relationship with this guy who knew of her love for me. Which is something I could never do, that is be involved with a woman who is in a relationship. Me, I would say, let me know when you are no longer with this guy.

Again, I asked her if we were finished and she would not say other than when I  get back we will talk. I return we talk and she can not break it off. We still keep communicating. She tells me that she is not having sexual relationship with him because she has a female issue that she needs to see a Dr. for. She lied, she was in fact having sex with him. She would throw in my face what a great person this guy is. Every body loves him. That is everyone but her!

We argued off and on for the next week when during a phone conversation, she gets mad at me and hangs up. I do not talk to her or have any contact with the next three days when I get a text at 3 am from here saying that I was right, she loved me and would call me later. I get a call from here around 9am asking me to comfy over. I do and we spend the next 6 hrs talking with her. She had plans that night but the next night we do dinner at her daughters and have a great evening. Sunday the next day we meet at her place and without warning she gets mad at me and starts yelling at me telling me if I do not leave she would call 911. I left and the next day she sends a text and apologizes.

The next day we met for breakfast and after went to a home that she is in process of selling and I was going to help her load up her car when she goes off on me about how useless I am. I leave and of course a day later I get a message apologizing. A couple days later we go to lunch and she says she can not understand why she is treating me this way. Later that day she gets sick and is admitted to the hospital. I go up the next day and spend the night with her and actually lay in the hospital bed with her. The next morning she tells me I have to leave because her other male friend is coming up and does not want us there together. I do as she requests and leave but return at 9pm and once again spend the night and sleep with her. I hold her all night. She holds my hand, squeezing and kissing it through out the night.

In the morning she need to have couple procedures and I stay there with her and after the procedures we talk and she is telling me that we are going to move forward with the relationship and have this other guy back off. I take her home and I am spending the night with her. She goes to call this other guy to tell him he needs to back off but returns to say that we will move forward but she is still going to communicate with the other guy. So we are both tired end decide to call it a night early. We fell asleep holding each other. She wakes up at 2:30 and we have sex. We go back to sleep and I wake up at 8am and she is sitting in the bed end informs me once again that we are not going to move on. I leave upset and decided I need to get away and return to Fla the Monday before Thanksgiving.

On the Day of my flight I am at he airport at the gate waiting to board the plane talking with her the phone when I tell her that I am thinking of buying a place in Fla. When she tells me that if I do that she maybe willing to follow me out there for the winter and that in the Spring we can return home end live at her place until the next winter. I tell her that hearing me has me so motivated. Later that week she calls me to say that I have to buy this place to me and not her. I tell her that no, I am buying it for us because I know what Florida means to her. A couple days later did calls to tell me that she made out a police report for harassment and mat get an order of protection against me because I am a risk to her. Now mind you, I am 1,300. Miles from her and never threatened her other than to say maybe I should call this other guy and tell him what her and I have been up to. So I have no contact with her other than we are playing computer games on out I-pads together.  

Then a week ago yesterday she calls me and says that she owes me an explanation what is going on. She tells me that she has an "ulterior motive" when it comes to the other guy but would not elaborate. During the call she tells me that she loved me. After the call she texts, I love you and then sends me a picture of me and her newborn granddaughter and says this is her favorite picture of us. A few minutes later I get a message that she will go to Fla. with me. I return back home and she will not see me. We talked a couple times after I returned And spoke on the phone and she asks me to back off so she can get the help she needs but she is still going to see this other guy.

Hearing that confuses me as I can not understand how if she needs to find herself and I need to leave her be but the other guy can I have a relationship with her. And I complain about that and her response is, it's only one night a week! But in the meantime we can still play the two computer games that we do. Today, while I was in the shower the sheriffs dept shows up to serve me either an order of protection. I am so confused. I know this woman loves me so why is she putting me through all of this? I know that I need to just let this be an d move on. But it is so difficult when I lover like I do and knowing she loves me. I  have decided to walk away and if she calls me and try's to put me through this again I am just hoping to have to tell her that I am moving on.

[Turkish]

What a confusing and frustrating situation, Rocco6. I'm sorry that she did al, of the push-pull towards you. Sadly, that is often typically BPD.

I was going to say initially that this sounded like the behavior of end extremeny immature young woman until I got to the part where she is a grandmother, so I'd posit that the youngest she could be in in her mid to late 40s. No matter her age, I'll still say that. pwBPD (people with BPD) suffer not only from severe abandonment fears and a fear of intimacy (which can be confusing if they "love bomb" us), but also from arrested development. When they paint us black, it's like a fight or flight response, instinctual. It's also often a dissociative event, so her aplogies were probably sincere, at the time. Maybe you could read this discussion on splitting to get a better idea:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

I understand how confusing this must have been she threatened to call 911. You spend the night with her a week later, then after that, you are intimate. All the while she's dysregulating and splitting you back and forth.

At this point I'd ask you what you want to do, but being served with a protection order is very serious business. Members here have ended up in jail due to these, even if their pwBPD violates the order and reaches out to them. If you have questions about your liability in this situation,.post a short version to the Legal Board.

I know it's tough, and her cheating in the beginning must have been especially awful, Rocco. Many of us have been there and still wanted to try and make it work. Maybe you feel powerless when your pwBPD makes his or her choice for you. I know I did, and a year later, I'm still trying to come to terms with it. Stick around, you're in good company.



Turkish

[Rocco6]

Thank you Turksh for your input. She is 58 years old and is a very loving person. As I think back to when we first started this relationship she has progressively got worse as time as gone by. As for the order of protection, I am a retired police officer and know my limitations. I will not have any contact with her. It is her wish and I am going to give her what she wants, even as difficult that will be. But I wm not going to jail for no one. And next time she calls to say she loves me and what's to go to Florida or for me to come over, it isn't happening unti A) the OofP has been lifted and B) he ther guy is out of her life and C) she has got the help she needs and she proves to me we can actually move on for much more than a day. Thanks again.