6 Months out today

[Pingo]

Hi all, it's been 6 months today that I asked my uBPDexh to leave.  It was after a previous BU and 2 month recycle.  It has been one hell of a year!  Such a roller coaster. 

To briefly recap the last 6 mths, I spent the first 3 weeks numb.  Then the grief hit me like a brick.  I cried more than I've ever cried in my life.  I wondered how this could be the right decision, ending our marriage.  How could this pain be better than the abuse I suffered in my marriage?  But I just sat with it.  I didn't try to escape or numb it (my usual MO).  I didn't get lost in a bottle of alcohol.  I didn't jump into another's bed.  I just cried.  And read.  A lot!  And saw a T. 

Next stage I was in survival mode.  I was spending so much time just trying to keep myself calm.  I went to the ocean a lot, sat on the beach and watched the sunset.  I did yoga.  I cried.  I read books on abuse.  This was hard.  A real eye opener.  I had to admit that I had been abused.  And not for the first time.  I got really angry. 

By the third month I had found this website.  I had started to process my role in the r/s.  I admitted I was an enabler and dysfunctional as well.  I worked on inner child stuff.  Read John Bradshaw.  Started to look at my painful past, my painful r/s with my mother, my series of abandonments by men throughout my life.

As time went on I was ready to stop analysing my ex and 'his issues' and put the focus on me.  I got bored reading and hearing about BPD.  It didn't matter anymore.  What mattered was that I was left feeling incredibly damaged, suffering from PTSD type symptoms, so easily triggered, a big knot in my stomach constantly. 

I was feeling like maybe I was the one who was crazy.  I got so tired of the roller coaster of emotions.  One day I'd be positive and hopeful, the next I'd be depressed as hell.  I asked my T if I am the one with BPD.  She reassured me I wasn't.  She validated my pain and reminded me of all the progress and hard work I've done.

So now at 6 months I am sad, hopeful, tired... .wondering if I will ever be able to have a functional and healthy r/s.  Will I ever attract 'normal'?  I still have a long ways to go before I would want to date.  I still love my exh.  I know I cannot be with him.  There is no way it could work.  And quite frankly he scares me a lot!  But with that acceptance is the fact I have to let him go and move on.  I still cry some days but not so often.  There's definitely a lot more good days than bad now!

This r/s and BU has opened so many old wounds for me.  This year has been life-changing.  I have faced things that I had no idea I could ever face.  I have always been the type who puts on a brave face, don't show vulnerability.  Don't show weakness.  I've just given it all up!  Too exhausting to keep up the façade.  It's time I accept me for me and expect others to do the same.  If they don't like me, shove off!  It's only taken 45 yrs to get here!

Thanks to all the wise and caring souls on this website for helping me through my darkest hour.  I look forward to a new year and all the possibilities it will bring!

[downwhim]

Pingo, you could have taken the wrong steps to heal but you didn't. I am in awe of your strength and dedication. You have tried hard to learn, get professional help and sort through the past. It is a long road... .

To hear you say that you don't cry as much, to focus on yourself instead of the BPD and to look forward gives me hope. I am 4 months behind you and still struggling to get through each day.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story.

[Rifka]

Hi all, it's been 6 months today that I asked my uBPDexh to leave.  It was after a previous BU and 2 month recycle.  It has been one hell of a year!  Such a roller coaster. 

To briefly recap the last 6 mths, I spent the first 3 weeks numb.  Then the grief hit me like a brick.  I cried more than I've ever cried in my life.  I wondered how this could be the right decision, ending our marriage.  How could this pain be better than the abuse I suffered in my marriage?  But I just sat with it.  I didn't try to escape or numb it (my usual MO).  I didn't get lost in a bottle of alcohol.  I didn't jump into another's bed.  I just cried.  And read.  A lot!  And saw a T. 

Next stage I was in survival mode.  I was spending so much time just trying to keep myself calm.  I went to the ocean a lot, sat on the beach and watched the sunset.  I did yoga.  I cried.  I read books on abuse.  This was hard.  A real eye opener.  I had to admit that I had been abused.  And not for the first time.  I got really angry. 

By the third month I had found this website.  I had started to process my role in the r/s.  I admitted I was an enabler and dysfunctional as well.  I worked on inner child stuff.  Read John Bradshaw.  Started to look at my painful past, my painful r/s with my mother, my series of abandonments by men throughout my life.

As time went on I was ready to stop analysing my ex and 'his issues' and put the focus on me.  I got bored reading and hearing about BPD.  It didn't matter anymore.  What mattered was that I was left feeling incredibly damaged, suffering from PTSD type symptoms, so easily triggered, a big knot in my stomach constantly. 

I was feeling like maybe I was the one who was crazy.  I got so tired of the roller coaster of emotions.  One day I'd be positive and hopeful, the next I'd be depressed as hell.  I asked my T if I am the one with BPD.  She reassured me I wasn't.  She validated my pain and reminded me of all the progress and hard work I've done.

So now at 6 months I am sad, hopeful, tired... .wondering if I will ever be able to have a functional and healthy r/s.  Will I ever attract 'normal'?  I still have a long ways to go before I would want to date.  I still love my exh.  I know I cannot be with him.  There is no way it could work.  And quite frankly he scares me a lot!  But with that acceptance is the fact I have to let him go and move on.  I still cry some days but not so often.  There's definitely a lot more good days than bad now!

This r/s and BU has opened so many old wounds for me.  This year has been life-changing.  I have faced things that I had no idea I could ever face.  I have always been the type who puts on a brave face, don't show vulnerability.  Don't show weakness.  I've just given it all up!  Too exhausting to keep up the façade.  It's time I accept me for me and expect others to do the same.  If they don't like me, shove off!  It's only taken 45 yrs to get here!

Thanks to all the wise and caring souls on this website for helping me through my darkest hour.  I look forward to a new year and all the possibilities it will bring!

Pingo you are doing great! This is a very intense experience we have all gone through. Looking at ourselves and our part of the acceptance of all of the abuse and still staying, and our childhoods is very emotional and painful. It's very real and can be very raw at times, especially holiday time.

You are very brave and strong to walk away. I know it was difficult when I walked away from the man I loved who was also so full of rage, anger and was going to get physical. Being stuck in the fantastic memories and dreams of this kind, loving, caring beautiful soul when he was good and him being my worst nightmare when he was bad. It was horrible!

It's good to still cry, but hopefully they are tears for you now. For you saving you, finding you and fixing you. They do not deserve our tears, we have suffered enough!

Hugs to you Pingo! Keep going forward in finding you and loving you!

Congrats on 6 months! It's hard!

Rifka

[BuildingFromScratch]

Congratulations on all of your progress Pingo. It's nice to hear and is inspiring to me!

[Deeno02]

Im with you Pingo. Well done! We can beat this! I hope Im as strong and focused as you are at 6 months out!

[Pingo]

Thanks everyone.  Some days I don't feel very strong Deeno.  My T actually has to remind me of how I've survived a very difficult thing and not only that but sought help to recover.  I've been through other BU's.  Yesterday, coincidentally, was the 6th anniversary of when I asked my first husband for a divorce.  16 yrs ago I had been engaged to a man and moved in with him, for him to BU with me a month before the wedding, for another woman.  21 yrs ago I was left by my commonlaw partner 3 months pregnant with my daughter, to raise her alone.  And other BU's before that.  I actually moved 3000 miles to the other end of the country to get away from an abusive bf many yrs ago.  But there has been no BU that has been more difficult than this one!  I have never been so enmeshed, so emotionally embroiled with anyone else in my life! 

There are many blessings in what's come out of this BU.  One being the realisation that my mother is sick.  I had never heard of BPD or personality disorders before this BU.  It has helped me feel a lot less guilty about being estranged from my mother (almost 5 yrs now).  I now realise it's okay to take care of myself and keep toxic people out of my life.  It is my choice. 

[RisingSun]

Tomorrow it will be 6 months out for me as well. Sounds like we're in similar emotional spaces. I still have bad days but there have been some really good days in there as well.

I'm also still dealing with ptsd and moments of deep sadness. Although I find as the grief and shock settles what's uncovered are my issues which I'm looking at and working on with my T.

In a way, getting my BPDxw out of my life is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Nothing like some good ole trauma to stir up and amplify your emotional baggage.

If there is one "gift" that we got from our BPDx's, it's there ability to bring our deepest issues to the surface. That's how those issues can be looked at and worked on once and for all.

A path to true, deep and fundamental change for those of us who care to do the work. A path most BPD's don't dare tread. And this is why us nons will come out on the other end

of this better, stronger, healthier people. We will love again, we will be in healthy relationships in the future and appreciate those relationship much more than we did before.

Thank you for sharing where you are now that some time has passed. It gives others hope who are in the thick of it. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

[downwhim]

"You are very brave and strong to walk away. I know it was difficult when I walked away from the man I loved who was also so full of rage, anger and was going to get physical. Being stuck in the fantastic memories and dreams of this kind, loving, caring beautiful soul when he was good and him being my worst nightmare when he was bad. It was horrible!"

The above is exactly how I feel.

I loved my exBPD very much. I thought honestly that I could never love anyone as much as him and that it was reciprocal. Sex was intense and passionate, which was lacking in my previous marriage. It was like a romantic novel in the beginning - above what I expected, I was so happy - then his BPD kicked in and my codependency and the struggle began. The real us emerged. Reality... .

I also feared it was going to become physical. He would get so angry over nothing and I thought, "wow, his anger is escalating and I am going to be his target." I walked on eggshells and I had PTSD induced depression. My stomach was in knots. I started to hate going to his house. The drive was anxiety driven. Soon I began to listen to my body and protect myself from his rages by leaving.

My marriage of 22 years ended in divorce. I felt what is wrong with  me? Why can't I maintain a relationship? Dealing with a BPD and trying to figure it all out without knowledge is dangerous. It is not my fault. I need to make better choices in life when choosing a partner.

So much left to work out and work on. Thanks Pingo for reminding me this is a journey.

[Deeno02]

Thanks everyone.  Some days I don't feel very strong Deeno.  My T actually has to remind me of how I've survived a very difficult thing and not only that but sought help to recover.  I've been through other BU's.  Yesterday, coincidentally, was the 6th anniversary of when I asked my first husband for a divorce.  16 yrs ago I had been engaged to a man and moved in with him, for him to BU with me a month before the wedding, for another woman.  21 yrs ago I was left by my commonlaw partner 3 months pregnant with my daughter, to raise her alone.  And other BU's before that.  I actually moved 3000 miles to the other end of the country to get away from an abusive bf many yrs ago.  But there has been no BU that has been more difficult than this one!  I have never been so enmeshed, so emotionally embroiled with anyone else in my life! 

There are many blessings in what's come out of this BU.  One being the realisation that my mother is sick.  I had never heard of BPD or personality disorders before this BU.  It has helped me feel a lot less guilty about being estranged from my mother (almost 5 yrs now).  I now realise it's okay to take care of myself and keep toxic people out of my life.  It is my choice. 

Its weird isnt it? Ive been through a 25 year military career including various shooting matches, seen a bunch of death and destruction over that course (yeah, I have some issues over it which didnt help with this r/s as she didnt what to help me) and an 18 year marriage that dissolved (thought it made us stronger due to me being gone all the time... sheesh) due to my wifes infidelity with a family friend(they are married now and one benefit from this jacked up relationship was forgiveness of my ex-wife), but I have never been put through the wringer like I have with this lady. I would rather deploy back to Iraq, naked, with no weapon than go through this r/s again. I am/was a complete and utter train wreck from this and still kind of jacked up. I realize my issues and Im working them with my trauma bonding, enabling codependancy, hate to be alone thing. Someday I will find someone who will love me for me and give and take as equals, not as a one sided, my way or the highway thing. Sad really sad.

One of my favorite things that happened. When I retired, I recieved a beautiful display case for all my medals and awards,including those for valor, its about the size of a coffee table and displayed in my living room. She new I had a career in the military has seen it numerous times and never once asked what any of them meant or how I earned them. It isnt about me folks, but if you love or are in love with someone, you want to know their life history, good, bad, indifferent to try and become one with them and their life. Never got that. I hung on every word, and was proud of her, as she told me about being a college athlete, her awards and records and her coaching career before marriage. Showed no interest in my life. Who needs someone like that in their lives.

[guy4caligirl]

PINGO

I am out for 5 months yesterday .

I went NC 12 days ago , I still struggle , good days bad days , hoping she texts me this time yes I still love her  she was unique as I am , more days go by and don't hear from her , I know there will be and end for all that , I lack patience but I have to , I can't even justify  why would I text her again , I know the consequences pain nothing but pain .

I hope for all of us to recover , we did what we can, we can't do anything but look for a better future , as long as it takes , life is full of obstacles and without sadness we won't appreciate happiness .

[downwhim]

None of us are perfect Guyf4Caligirl, we all slip sometimes. N/C is not easy! I read the lesson on it this morning and it reminded me of the craziness that comes with contact. So, it also said no texting, emailing, driving by their house, card sending, social media, nothing, learn to focus on you instead of them and work on getting centered.

9 weeks out, N/C... .hard but I know I will look back and say it was for the best.

[Pingo]

I'm also still dealing with ptsd and moments of deep sadness. Although I find as the grief and shock settles what's uncovered are my issues which I'm looking at and working on with my T.

In a way, getting my BPDxw out of my life is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Nothing like some good ole trauma to stir up and amplify your emotional baggage.

If there is one "gift" that we got from our BPDx's, it's there ability to bring our deepest issues to the surface. That's how those issues can be looked at and worked on once and for all.

Soo very true RisingSun!  And I do focus on this as the blessing, otherwise I would become deeply depressed at wasting the last 4 yrs of my life.  But that's not in my nature.  I've always been one to find the lesson, the positive aspect in things.

One of my favorite things that happened. When I retired, I recieved a beautiful display case for all my medals and awards,including those for valor, its about the size of a coffee table and displayed in my living room. She new I had a career in the military has seen it numerous times and never once asked what any of them meant or how I earned them. It isnt about me folks, but if you love or are in love with someone, you want to know their life history, good, bad, indifferent to try and become one with them and their life. Never got that. I hung on every word, and was proud of her, as she told me about being a college athlete, her awards and records and her coaching career before marriage. Showed no interest in my life. Who needs someone like that in their lives.

Deeno, I am deeply saddened by this.  I'm sorry she couldn't validate you the way you validated her.  And something that obviously was such a huge part of your life, affected you so much and something you should be proud of.  My ex's grandfather was in WW2 and had received medals which he passed on to my ex.  He showed them to me with great pride and I made him a shadow box to display them.  This is what healthy, loving partners do.  They notice the things that mean something.  And acknowledge and take interest.  But our exes didn't.  They were too wrapped up in their own stories to notice ours.  We deserved better.

Downwhim, Rifka, seems like many of us experienced the scary side of an abusive partner.  So not only are we dealing with the loss of the r/s but also the trauma of living with that fear.  My PTSD symptoms are starting to get better although it took me getting really p*ssed off about it and deciding eff this!  I'm not going to let this control my life!  That change in attitude has been helpful.

I hope for all of us to recover , we did what we can, we can't do anything but look for a better future , as long as it takes , life is full of obstacles and without sadness we won't appreciate happiness .

That is true guy4caligirl, we really did do what we could.  It is/was an impossible situation.  May this be the beginning of a great new year for all of us!

[Deeno02]

I'm also still dealing with ptsd and moments of deep sadness. Although I find as the grief and shock settles what's uncovered are my issues which I'm looking at and working on with my T.

In a way, getting my BPDxw out of my life is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Nothing like some good ole trauma to stir up and amplify your emotional baggage.

If there is one "gift" that we got from our BPDx's, it's there ability to bring our deepest issues to the surface. That's how those issues can be looked at and worked on once and for all.

Soo very true RisingSun!  And I do focus on this as the blessing, otherwise I would become deeply depressed at wasting the last 4 yrs of my life.  But that's not in my nature.  I've always been one to find the lesson, the positive aspect in things.

One of my favorite things that happened. When I retired, I recieved a beautiful display case for all my medals and awards,including those for valor, its about the size of a coffee table and displayed in my living room. She new I had a career in the military has seen it numerous times and never once asked what any of them meant or how I earned them. It isnt about me folks, but if you love or are in love with someone, you want to know their life history, good, bad, indifferent to try and become one with them and their life. Never got that. I hung on every word, and was proud of her, as she told me about being a college athlete, her awards and records and her coaching career before marriage. Showed no interest in my life. Who needs someone like that in their lives.

Deeno, I am deeply saddened by this.  I'm sorry she couldn't validate you the way you validated her.  And something that obviously was such a huge part of your life, affected you so much and something you should be proud of.  My ex's grandfather was in WW2 and had received medals which he passed on to my ex.  He showed them to me with great pride and I made him a shadow box to display them.  This is what healthy, loving partners do.  They notice the things that mean something.  And acknowledge and take interest.  But our exes didn't.  They were too wrapped up in their own stories to notice ours.  We deserved better.

Downwhim, Rifka, seems like many of us experienced the scary side of an abusive partner.  So not only are we dealing with the loss of the r/s but also the trauma of living with that fear.  My PTSD symptoms are starting to get better although it took me getting really p*ssed off about it and deciding eff this!  I'm not going to let this control my life!  That change in attitude has been helpful.

I hope for all of us to recover , we did what we can, we can't do anything but look for a better future , as long as it takes , life is full of obstacles and without sadness we won't appreciate happiness .

That is true guy4caligirl, we really did do what we could.  It is/was an impossible situation.  May this be the beginning of a great new year for all of us!

Yes it will, I'm sure of it!