reaction to brothers suicide attempt

[Calm Waters]

My 2 boys 25 and 18 both have BPD traits. The older one attempted suicide a month ago luckily he has survived but will be in hospital for months and will have to learn to walk and control his bowel and bladder again, if he can! The younger one has had a massive reaction to this event; self medicating with a cocktail of recreational drugs and alcohol, taking risks with his own safety, lashing out at me and his mother. He has been suffering from irritable Bowel for about a year which has made him very depressed and withdrawn, he uses cannabis to control the pain so he says but he is now pretty much addicted to it. We have tried a zero tollerence policy but given his illness and depression we have relented because it was that approach with the older brother that to some extend drove the suicide attempt.

It feels like I am in a maze from which there is no escape. I a have paid of both sons debts to give them a fresh start and reduce their stress, they are both out of work as the uk economy for young people is in a mess, few jobs , low paid and menial, but I have told them both that this is the last time I will do this.

When to older one is eventually discharged he will be homeless unless he comes back to live with us which will cause serious problems between the two boys as home is like a tinder box when they are both here.

Recreational drugs and poor life choices have now had a significant impact on both of them mentally and physically and I am at my wits end.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello calmwaters.

I'm sorry for all the trauma your family are going through.

I am in the UK too and I know how difficult things are for young people in the job market etc.

Are the adult mental health services involved with either or both of your sons? If so will your sons allow you to communicate with them?

I think that they both need case managers to help think about practical issues like accommodation and benefits-it would take a little of the pressure off you.

Where I live the adult mental health service can refer to some semi-supported accommodation. I think for your son who is in hospital it would be a good idea to start looking into this now to avoid a crisis when he is ready to be discharged.

If your son is not already linked in to mental health services the hospital social worker may be able to advise.

The only issue is that if your son refuses to allow you to speak with them they will respect that.

[pessim-optimist]

I want to offer emotional support, Calm Waters... .

This must be so very difficult for you, how are you and your wife coping with this? Are you able to spend some time together away from all the problems?

To have adult children that are struggling so hard is draining... .Do you have support for yourself?

I think lever has some good suggestions and with the fact that your son has a few months to get ready, this might be a hopeful start, what do you think?

[llbee814]

Calm waters, I honestly don't know what to tell you... I can only identify with you insofar as my older son was absolutely triggered by his baby sister's suicide attempt.  He now has anxiety attacts and certainly self-medicates with alcohol.   It is so difficult when BPD affects everyone in our family. 

[Calm Waters]

useful ideas that I am following up thanks - Calm