A Breakthrough

[Jmanster]

I had a therapy session today. I was telling the therapist that I still had a huge problem getting over my BPDex. I told the T about my family and childhood and she said, "Josh, I know what the problem is." She explained to me that the reason I couldn't get over my BPDex is because of my brother. I asked her how? She said that my brother was the only person in my life that has hurt me (during childhood) by not caring. My BPDex was the same. She put herself first and only cared about herself. I have even told my friends that no one has ever gotten me as mad I was at my brother other than my ex! I have said these actual words. My ex has made me just as angry as my brother did! My T said that the only way I can really let go of these problems and never encounter difficult breakups like this one again is to confront my brother and tell him how much he has hurt me as a child. My brother was a narcissist and so was my ex. My brother is the key element as to why I am having such a hard time letting go of my ex. I have also withheld the hurt and pain from my brother and I did the same with my ex. My ex tormented me like my brother did when I was a child. It makes so much sense. I have had a healthy relationship before that ended so easily, but since this relationship awoke trauma from when I was a child, it makes it so difficult. I will have to confront my brother, or continue going to therapy for God knows how long. I encourage all of you to look into your childhood and see if there is any connection between your abusive relationships now and when you were a child. Do you have any connections?

[EaglesJuju]

That is great that you had a breakthrough in therapy    I learned from my own therapy that my co-dependency originates from my childhood.  There is definitely a connection between my co-dependency and my relationship.  My co-dependency started as a result of me constantly trying to please my parents, who essentially invalidated me and ignored me.  This turned into fear of abandonment and eventually co-dependency.  Learning about my own co-dependency helped me understand my lack of boundaries in my relationship.  I began to discover my role in the dysfunction dance and stopped placing all the blame on mypwBPD.  I allowed a lot of the behavior to continue.  Therapy has really helped me stop my own maladaptive behavior.

[Pingo]

That's awesome that you were able to put those connections together Jmanster.  I woke up one day about a year ago and realised I had married my mother!  I didn't see the similarities between him and my mother in the beginning.  It was not coincidence that I met him when I was at a totally low point in my r/s with my mother, she had betrayed me and I had gone NC with her.  It wasn't until his first ST he inflicted on me when I thought hmmm this seems familiar! 

Freud called this 'transference'.  I'm reading a book about this now called 'When the Past is Present'.  I think that I had hoped my ex could give me what my mother could not, so I could heal that wound, that longing.  But in the end he couldn't of course.  I think that's one of the reasons why I was so enmeshed with him and why it hurt so much when we split.  I had to give up the dream that he could give me that missing part.

[HappyNihilist]

That's a powerful breakthrough! Thank you so much for sharing with us. 

Now that you see a connection between your childhood trauma and your relationship, what do you think might help you heal and protect yourself in the future?

My exBPDbf shares a lot of traits with my mother. Strangely enough, during the r/s, he helped me a lot with my issues with my mother -- issues I didn't realize I had before, or at least couldn't identify -- and he was genuinely supportive in this area of my life and psyche. I'm grateful to him for that. Since the b/u, I've been confronting a lot of suddenly exposed childhood wounds... .and I'm grateful for that, too. I've learned a lot about myself.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Wow, what a coincidence.

I've just started therapy recently and in a couple of sessions my therapist indentified that my feeling worthless during and since my split with my exBPD Partner, goes back to when I was abused as a child by my mother. At times it was brutal and humiliating, but as a child I had no choice but to accept it. But I always felt I had to seek her love and approval which I rarely feel I had received from her.

Due to this I have co-dependency issues. I tolerated more rubbish than I should have during my relationship with my ex, but initially being with her were the best times of my life. She simply made me feel so good about myself for probably the first time in my life. Slowly her mask started to slip, and the real her is not a very nice person and I was not happy. Also, I took the blame for everything that went wrong and she took no responsibility for anything at all. But I was afraid of splitting up with her and used the fact of having a child together as an excuse to stay together. In hindsight, thankfully she had her affair and we eventually split.

All very unhealthy.