Facebook Friend Request

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All,

I have been no contact with my ex-BPD since September.  Tonight, a friend said he saw her with her new boyfriend on Sunday and she said to say "hi."  Ick.  (I'm so easily replaced!)  Then, I get home tonight and I have a Facebook friend request.  I don't think its a good idea to accept it.  If this were a normal breakup, I would want to send her an email that says, "Thanks for the friend request.  Please understand that I am still getting over the hurt of the breakup, so I don't think its a good idea... ."  I'm pretty sure the standard NC advice is to not even do that.  But it feels wrong.  It hurts to not reply, but I do not want to get back with her, ever.  On the other hand, I do still care.  Thoughts?

Thanks!

Caval.

[Caval]

Hi All,

I have been no contact with my ex-BPD since September.  Tonight, a friend said he saw her with her new boyfriend on Sunday and she said to say "hi."  Ick.  (I'm so easily replaced!)  Then, I get home tonight and I have a Facebook friend request.  I don't think its a good idea to accept it.  If this were a normal breakup, I would want to send her an email that says, "Thanks for the friend request.  Please understand that I am still getting over the hurt of the breakup, so I don't think its a good idea... ."  I'm pretty sure the standard NC advice is to not even do that.  But it feels wrong.  It hurts to not reply, but I do not want to get back with her, ever.  On the other hand, I do still care.  Thoughts?

Thanks!

Caval.

[willtimeheal]

For your own health and well being delete the request and don't message her. By replying you give her your power. Don't do it. Delete.

[enlighten me]

It depemds if your wanting to get back on the crazy train or not. Personally I would delete it and give yourself time and space to heal. By getting out of the fog you will start seeing things more clearly. By staying engaged you will just prolong your healing. You will start putting blinkers on and not see the reality. You will leave yourself open to triangulation and manipulation. You will also see things that upset you like her and her bf posts.

[Infern0]

My honest advice is to ignore the request.  I fell for this kind of thing before.  Standard script if you accept is that slowly she will begin to talk to you more and more and before long you'll be in triangulation.

Bpd are always wanting a backup,  she's scoping you out for that role.

[Deeno02]

In a word? Ignore. Ignore that friend request and block her.

[Raybo48]

I agree with everyone who said ignore, delete, and don't accept.  They don't have any shame when it comes to that stuff at all.  My ex is/was great for having just about all of her ex boyfriends as face book friends and its just one more way to get N-supply when needed.

[ucmeicu2]

It hurts to not reply, but I do not want to get back with her, ever.  On the other hand, I do still care.  Thoughts?

caval, the fact that you say you still care abt her should be red flag enough.  it's dangerous for you!  it's dangerous for ALL of us!  don't accept - deny.  click it twice so FB will block her from sending more friend requests.  then block her.  if you have any mutual FB friends you may want to consider deactivating your acct for a while.

see, accepting would give her a chance to reel you back in; to charm you; to spy on you; to use what she finds on you to use it against you, to hurt you, to INFLICT more harm; additionally, it continues to give her more of what they all CRAVE:  narcissistic supply. 

my xBPDgf kept as many of her ex's around as possible.  for N-supply, to be sympathizers or for a re-match, or for a roll in the hay - as many as would allow it, that's how many she does it with!  they have no clue.  don't be one of those losers.  just lose/lose all around.

i'll tell you one of my little stories.  she cheated on me w/a guy from FB.  chatted him up for a week then BOOM, bedded him.  afterwards, she told me it was nothing, she and i hadn't talked for a week or two so she thought we were over, !  she apologized. she did that with at least 1 other guy, too.  anyways, it made me edgy and insecure, which she belittled me for... .always saying i was abnormally jealous and possessive!  all the while she says it was nothing, its over "we're not even fb friends anymore", "i havent talked to him for 2 yrs!, youre crazy!".  well well, me think the lady doth protest too much.  guess who she just friended again on fb THREE days ago?   shame on me for looking.  i went there just now to block her (i unfriended a long time ago but wanted to go a step further after reading these posts) and curiosity got the better of me.   

caval, don't trust these BPD people as far as you can throw a stick.  forewarned is forearmed!

icu

[Caval]

Thank you everyone for your replies.  It affirms what I was already thinking.  You are all right and it is what I need to do.  Its interesting that Facebook used to make her so intensely jealous and now she wants to use it against me.  Well, no more. Thanks again.

[ucmeicu2]

 Its interesting that Facebook used to make her so intensely jealous and now she wants to use it against me.  Well, no more. Thanks again.

no no no... .  she was always using it against you (or somebody else), you just didn't know it yet!

there's a psych term for that.  projection.  their feelings are often too painful for them to bear, so they project them out onto others and then when it's reflected back to them, they feel relief b/c those feelings are coming from without, not within.

we don't see the world is as it is, we see it as we are.  so, IOW, she uses FB to make others jealous.  so, naturally then, whatever she sees there makes HER jealous.  they assume that everybody's motives/thoughts/feelings are the same as theirs.  just a wee bit of narcissism in there, too.     

icu

[Raybo48]

It hurts to not reply, but I do not want to get back with her, ever.  On the other hand, I do still care.  Thoughts?

caval, the fact that you say you still care abt her should be red flag enough.  it's dangerous for you!  it's dangerous for ALL of us!  don't accept - deny.  click it twice so FB will block her from sending more friend requests.  then block her.  if you have any mutual FB friends you may want to consider deactivating your acct for a while.

see, accepting would give her a chance to reel you back in; to charm you; to spy on you; to use what she finds on you to use it against you, to hurt you, to INFLICT more harm; additionally, it continues to give her more of what they all CRAVE:  narcissistic supply. 

my xBPDgf kept as many of her ex's around as possible.  for N-supply, to be sympathizers or for a re-match, or for a roll in the hay - as many as would allow it, that's how many she does it with!  they have no clue.  don't be one of those losers.  just lose/lose all around.

i'll tell you one of my little stories.  she cheated on me w/a guy from FB.  chatted him up for a week then BOOM, bedded him.  afterwards, she told me it was nothing, she and i hadn't talked for a week or two so she thought we were over, !  she apologized. she did that with at least 1 other guy, too.  anyways, it made me edgy and insecure, which she belittled me for... .always saying i was abnormally jealous and possessive!  all the while she says it was nothing, its over "we're not even fb friends anymore", "i havent talked to him for 2 yrs!, youre crazy!".  well well, me think the lady doth protest too much.  guess who she just friended again on fb THREE days ago?   shame on me for looking.  i went there just now to block her (i unfriended a long time ago but wanted to go a step further after reading these posts) and curiosity got the better of me.   

caval, don't trust these BPD people as far as you can throw a stick.  forewarned is forearmed!

icu

This post is so accurate it just makes me shake my head. My BPDxgf did all the same things regarding Facebook and is still doing it.  As a matter of fact mine did the same damn thing with a guy on FB, chatted him up for weeks and then one weekend he was at her house. She was drinking heavily at the time and she told me nothing happened.  I found out much later that was a lie of course because plenty happened. Yes do yourself a huge favor and don't be one of her ex's on her Facebook page that gives her N-supply. Trust me she has no other use for you except for that.

[Ripples]

Don't do it my friend. I've been there and done that. You will be greeted with images of her new man and her on a regular basis as she works hard to portray a life of new found happiness and love. Additionally be aware that this is a way for her to denounce all responsibility of her abuse. It will relieve her guilt as she thinks that now you are friends the past is healed. It isn't and never will be. She abused you and now she is in denial. By not accepting the request you are sending a very firm message - "I don't forgive, I don't forget and i was the prize".

I had to watch mine get married on Facebook. That is when I finally thought what the heck am I doing! She even emailed me apologizing for what she said, what she didnt say etc but not once did she apologize for the hurt and pain she caused. And that to me was another indication that it was all about her and always will be.

Take your time. Feel the pain but remember you have saved yourself and better things will come. I promise you that.