She defends herself against validation?

[jedimaster]

Jedi,

Hey... .I think we have good back and forth and I think you get my style... .I focus on being clear on my advice... .rather than sugar coating it.  Plus... .in this instance... .I think time is running out... .which is why I may be a bit blunt in my advice.

Several issues here

First:  I think you need to get her to doctor to explain to doc where she is in her meds.  This is not something to be "winged"... .  Even if she starts taking the right dose again... it will take while to build back up.  The thyroid thing sucks... .and takes a long time to get right... .even when the person is following docs orders exactly. 

I think getting her in front of her doc to discuss meds is priority number 1  The part about you leaving is a sideshow... .don't get sucked in.

Offer to drive her... .whatever you need to do to get her there.  Make sure doctor has clear understanding that wife stopped taking meds on her own.

  I tried to reassure her that no matter what happens to us, I will not suddenly leave her uninsured or in medical need. 

In my opinion... .this was bad thing to say.  I could be taken as there will be no consequences for her behavior.

I wouldn't say it the other way either... .if you leave... .I'll cut you off.

I just wouldn't mention it either way.  You can validate this by acknowledging she has a troubling worry... .and leave it at that.

If she says you will leave her... ."ask her to help you understand why you would do that... ."  again... .listen for emotions to validate.

  I imagine she will have to wait until she has some symptoms that she can't deal with before she is willing to change her behavior.

The thing is... .once she has these... .it will take a long time for meds to stabilize her...

If you thought dealing with all the animals was tough... .  how do you thing "dealing with her"... .fully unmedicated will be?

Hang tough brother... .the force will be with you... .shut off your targeting computer... .fire the photons... .and get her to the doctor!

Thank you FF.  I agree she needs to be back on them immediately.  I am going to see what I can do to convince her, and if I can't get her to do it then I will call her doctor.  The doctor is supposed to have called in these prescriptions at her last visit, so I may be able to go pick them up and have them here for her.  That might help.

I appreciate what you're saying about the leaving, etc.  I tried to be careful to not say I would never leave her, because that is something I am working through at the moment.  Nevertheless I was trying to address somewhat her abandonment fears by assuring her that in any case I would not suddenly cut off her health insurance.  First, I would not do that to her; second I pay a family premium so there's no financial benefit to me to do that; third, in the event of a divorce it would only make me look bad. 

As you say, first priority is to get the meds straightened out and I'm going to work on that pronto.  Thanks for the straight talk

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[KateCat]

This is really courageous, jedi. (And tough too. I've read thyroid-board postings from many people who are afraid to come clean with their doctors on just such "experiments," and the forum moderators always tell them to buck up, confess to being off their meds, and get back on track ASAP.)

[formflier]

 

Hey... .just to be clear... .I don't think getting back on meds is enough.  She needs  doc appt to discuss this.  That is the safest and most conservative route... .

I think this is a... .or may the "core issue" you are dealing with now.

In other words... .I think you can validate perfectly... .boundary perfectly... .etc etc... .but unless thyroid gets back where doctors want it to be... .under close supervision of a doctor that knows she is or has been inconsistent in following directions... .then I think you will be wasting lots of energy on your other efforts.

A big rule on this forum... .or a big piece of advice is not not waste energy on sideshows... .when there is an elephant in the room... .

[KateCat]

She needs  doc appt to discuss this.  That is the safest and most conservative route... .

This is something the doctor does need to know. 

[jedimaster]

Well she came in from Weight Watchers and she had gained two more pounds.  This makes the third week in a row she has gained weight, which hasn't happened since she started going.  So I reminded her that she will gain weight without her thyroid meds and I think I have her convinced to take them.  I'm still planning to contact the doctor.  I'm trying to be very careful so as not to cause her to dig in her heels.  If it comes to a battle of wills she would put herself in the hospital rather than give in.  I reassured her once again that she is in no danger of losing her medical coverage and that she needs to focus on her health needs here and now rather than taking action based on some hypothetical future "what if".

Thanks everyone for the input and the concern.  I don't know how I would deal with all this without this forum.  It obviously wasn't named "bpdfamily" for nothing.

[KateCat]

I'm still planning to contact the doctor.

Sorry you have been put in this uncomfortable position, but proud to see you responding in the best way possible.

[Grey Kitty]

  Whew. It is a relief to hear that she is likely to get back on track with her meds.

A boundary you might need to think about is "I won't watch somebody I love harm herself this way without doing something about it."

If you can avoid her knowing you talked ot the doctor instead of speaking the boundary out loud, all the better.

[jedimaster]

Well, good news to report.  Wife got a part-time job and today was her first day.  I took our son to his morning activities so she wouldn't have to stress over scheduling, and we met up after her work.  She was as relaxed as I have seen her in a long time.  Was very upbeat and matter of fact about the work and scheduling, etc.  She didn't seem to be forcing a positive attitude as she so often does.  In the conversation she suddenly pulls out her phone and says "I need to call the pharmacy.  I've decided if I'm going to be working I'm going to need my meds."  I agreed and reassured her once again that we would make sure she has them and doesn't have to worry about paying for them.  So after she calls I said, "I'm going to be heading home anyway, why don't I go by and pick them up?" and she agreed. 

So I have her meds all sitting here on her nightstand for when she comes home in a bit, and she's decided she needs to take them.  Best case scenario; it was "her" idea to start back, so no battle of the wills.   

Whew.

I guess even a pwBPD can have a good day once in a while, in spite of their best efforts.   

[braveSun]

         

[KateCat]

My goodness! This is perfect news, though I have no earthly idea how she could be feeling ok if she really has been off thyroid meds for a month.

[formflier]

My goodness! This is perfect news, though I have no earthly idea how she could be feeling ok if she really has been off thyroid meds for a month.

Please keep looking for ways to get her in the doctors office... .quickly.

I am worried that her "emotional upswing" that may last a few days... .is covering up the lack of meds.

I'm with KateCat on this one... .I don't understand how she is doing so well?

Hey... .one other comment/question.  Are you trying to "validate" her by reassuring her about medical coverage?

I'm worried that you are running the risk of bringing up something that is "long gone" in her mind.

If you bring it back up... .she could begin ruminating on it... .and go down "that road" again with it.

Certainly need to be prepared if she brings it up again.  Just my .02 cents worth...

[KateCat]

I like formflier's thoughts. I would probably be avoidant and wishy-washy in your position, but really, if she's been "off meds" for a month, something bad is likely to happen. Possibly in the next two to three weeks, as each organ of the body uses up its last stores of thyroxine and begins to freak out. (For those handy with math, the fact that these meds have a half-life of about seven days is helpful to know.) If her general health is less than robust and she starts back on a full dose after no meds for a month, it could be dangerous.

I think this is kind of like a slow-motion version of a need to call 911.

Sorry you have to be the one to deal with this.

[jedimaster]

Thanks everyone.  Trying to manage this as best as I can.  I can tell you KateCat that her health is actually robust.  She is physically active and energetic.  I'm not certain of the last date she had any meds; I only know she said she didn't buy any more in December.  I think I phrased it differently in my post above.  I'm going to try to see what I can do to get her to work with her doctor about getting back on them gradually.  I'm glad we're over the hurdle of just getting her to get back on them, as that is the first step anyway.

FormFlier, I didn't bring up the medical coverage again, she did; so I reassured her once again that nothing was going to happen to it.  I do my best not to borrow trouble 

[KateCat]

Good for you for being tenacious on this important matter. (Especially as you are in the dark about what this matter actually is.  )

[formflier]

FormFlier, I didn't bring up the medical coverage again, she did; so I reassured her once again that nothing was going to happen to it.  I do my best not to borrow trouble 

That's better... .I think on the good... better... best... .spectrum of things.  You would be better off to validate her emotions... .than "reassure" her of your actions.  There may be a little nuance there you are missing.

I'm actually more concerned about the meds though. 

Again... .good better best.  I think right now you are somewhere between good and better... .unless she has a reaction to starting to take them again... .at which point you will be worse off (maybe)... .than if you had done nothing.

Kate's analogy on "slow 911" is correct... .or may be correct... we just don't know. 

I think I realize the pickle that you are in... .if you ask her directly to go... .she may dig her heels in... and you are really stuck.  You may be hoping it comes up so you can "nudge" her to doctor or help her figure out it is her idea.  And if you don't say anything... .and she gets sick... .or has a reaction... well that will suck too.

So... .ultimately... .this all comes down do decision making.  When making decisions about pwBPD traits... .it's best to not let FOG cloud your decision making.

Do you think your not talking to her about going to dr office is based on fear?  FOG?

Of course... .I hope I'm blowing this all out of proportion.  But I've been around people and know people that have had thyroid issues.  It ain't pretty... .but carefully managed... .it can be all better.

Hang in there!