So it was another one of those nights. I had a plan and got totally side-swiped. I have been working slowly on clearing out his office. The room where he lived, the room that is really the picture of his illness, the room where he died. I thought I was close to the end of this piece. Then when cleaning out a drawer, I found something. Something in the back of small drawer. A box. Until I opened it, I really did not know what it was. Bullets. With a single one missing. I know you all understand the anguish of living with someone who is BPD. But I still don't feel like I have anyone who gets both that and being a suicide survivor. Tonight is so hard.
I am sorry for your loss and your pain.
My pain has drove me to an attempted suicide when my ex left me 9 months ago. Tried and failed. The bullet/cartridge did not went off for some reason. During that time, there was nothing that can ease the pain in me for the loss and that was the only thing that is in my mind. I felt like the end of the world, i can see nothing further or thereafter. I wanted out and I feel that I will be free from all the pain at that time. I was very very wrong about it.
