The replacement being idealized...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

First off, my ex is blocked by me on everything. I wont look. I cant. Secondly, my ex never changed her profile picture to one of us(I had), there were only 3 pictures taken of us in the whole 16 months anyway, nor did she ever change her relationship status(I wasnt until she did.Never happened) with me. Im afraid to look and see if she had with the replacement. I fear if she has, I would feel even more a loser than I already do, so I wont. Stay my course of NC and pray for the best.

[Deeno02]

First off, my ex is blocked by me on everything. I wont look. I cant. Secondly, my ex never changed her profile picture to one of us(I had), there were only 3 pictures taken of us in the whole 16 months anyway, nor did she ever change her relationship status(I wasnt until she did.Never happened) with me. Im afraid to look and see if she had with the replacement. I fear if she has, I would feel even more a loser than I already do, so I wont. Stay my course of NC and pray for the best.

[Xidion]

My ex did have me blocked on everything, but unblocked me from it all about a week ago. Her behavior has been odd. She seems so happy with the replacement. That's the hardest part.

[Splitblack4good]

My ex did have me blocked on everything, but unblocked me from it all about a week ago. Her behavior has been odd. She seems so happy with the replacement. That's the hardest part.

Why do they do that ? My ex blocked me then unblocked me the same day what the heck ?

[myself]

What's so ideal about running from what wasn't to something that also will not be? Basically replacing one set of pains for another, for a lifetime?

[Hawk Ridge]

This was good for me to read as I struggle with jealousy of my replacement, baffled they are still together

[parisian]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

Xidion, please try not to look at social media if you can help it. It is just painful every time. Sometimes we hope they will post things like 'missing my ex' or 'sad about being single', but in reality they will never ever post that. All you will see on Social Media are things that are hurtful to you. They post to give the perception about what a wonderful life and how much fun they are having. In reality, they experience shame, guilt, embarassment and much self-hate.

They will fail. Give it time. 4-6 months on and you know from your own experience (and from everyone else's on here), they will start to dysregulate and your new replacement will bear the wrath of everything you experienced also. Failure is a given, you can be assured. That is the sad repeating cycle for pwBPD. It can't be anything but a fail because a BPD will not suddenly get better unless they invest massive amounts of time in DBT and/or other ONGOING therapies. Eventually it will be even more embarassing and shameful for them - everyone will start to see the repeat patterns of their life. Just try and be patient - this is hard when you are seeing them with someone else and think they are all happy and over you. It's never about us or the replacement, but only ever about them needing to have some form of attachment to placate the awful feelings from their illness. It is not about the replacement either - the replacement could be the best looking, most awesome person in the world (just like you probably were), but in the end, none of that will matter. The BPD WILL kick in and it WILL end.

Make a bet with yourself that things with the replacement will go downhill - try and put aside $1 a day every day for a few months, until you get word that things aren't going so well with the new replacement, then 'reward' yourself with that 'bet' money and go use it to treat yourself to something awesome whilst smiling, laughing and congratulating yourself on 'winning the bet'  

It hurts and is sad for us but our satisfaction will come from knowing that the disease will always win in the end. Every time.

[Xidion]

Parisian, 

Thank you for that. I often forget that eventually the BPD will kick in. I was stupid for looking at what I did. It made me miss being idealized and all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a couple.  In the end, it was doomed from the beginning

[parisian]

Parisian,  

Thank you for that. I often forget that eventually the BPD will kick in. I was stupid for looking at what I did. It made me miss being idealized and all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a couple.  In the end, it was doomed from the beginning

The idealization was so amazing, that is what keeps each and everyone one of us in these realationships (oh and throw in a bit of co-dependecy too). We all want to get back to that magical place however that is all it ever was - a magical place that never really existed and no longer exists, and will never ever be again no matter how much we wish or hope or try and stick around. We fall so deeply during that phase because they mirror us, so essentially we fall in love with ourselves.

Try and focus on what the reality was, rather than a hopeful, non-existant future dream state. As much as that is what we would have liked, our BPD relationships could never ever be like that.

You weren't stupid - we all go through that desire of wanting to know. There's an overwhelming desire to want to see them, to want to see what they are up to but checking social media is just like picking a scab. And when you do, it keeps hurting and that scab will continue to bleed and won't heal while you repeatedly pick at it

[Splitblack4good]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

Xidion, please try not to look at social media if you can help it. It is just painful every time. Sometimes we hope they will post things like 'missing my ex' or 'sad about being single', but in reality they will never ever post that. All you will see on Social Media are things that are hurtful to you. They post to give the perception about what a wonderful life and how much fun they are having. In reality, they experience shame, guilt, embarassment and much self-hate.

They will fail. Give it time. 4-6 months on and you know from your own experience (and from everyone else's on here), they will start to dysregulate and your new replacement will bear the wrath of everything you experienced also. Failure is a given, you can be assured. That is the sad repeating cycle for pwBPD. It can't be anything but a fail because a BPD will not suddenly get better unless they invest massive amounts of time in DBT and/or other ONGOING therapies. Eventually it will be even more embarassing and shameful for them - everyone will start to see the repeat patterns of their life. Just try and be patient - this is hard when you are seeing them with someone else and think they are all happy and over you. It's never about us or the replacement, but only ever about them needing to have some form of attachment to placate the awful feelings from their illness. It is not about the replacement either - the replacement could be the best looking, most awesome person in the world (just like you probably were), but in the end, none of that will matter. The BPD WILL kick in and it WILL end.

Make a bet with yourself that things with the replacement will go downhill - try and put aside $1 a day every day for a few months, until you get word that things aren't going so well with the new replacement, then 'reward' yourself with that 'bet' money and go use it to treat yourself to something awesome whilst smiling, laughing and congratulating yourself on 'winning the bet'  

It hurts and is sad for us but our satisfaction will come from knowing that the disease will always win in the end. Every time.

My ex and replacement are arguing already after just 6 weeks as stated here just because it looks like they are happy doesn't mean a thing . It won't be long now before he sees the crazy come out !

When I started seeing her I wasnt seeing her every day so it took at least 4 months before I started noticing it.

My replacement spends 98% of his time with her they are always together ! He's gona see the crazy so much quicker !

[Infared]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

They seem to thrive on drama and chaos.  Misery is at their core.  It is hard but my advice is to accept it is over.  You will be given the opportunity to triangulate and maybe even recycle.  Respect yourself.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  And most of them will be healthier.

+100     

[enlighten me]

I just want to add my own experience from yesterday. I went to pick up my sons from my ex wife. I arrived early so went in for a coffee. She started reminiscing and told me how she lovdd me so much and went on about a guy she had been chatting to online when we were together. She was insistent that nothing had happened between them. She went on about how she would never cheat on me. I told her there was too much other stuff to believe that like the guy she had living in my house before we were married. She denied it had happened until I told her she had admitted it to me. I told her that it doesnt matter now and whether anything had happened that was in the past and we had both moved on.

she remarried this year so her reaching out like that said to me alls not as rosey as she may make out.

Eventually the replacement will be devalued. They do have a special ex who was the best they have had and only appreciate them when its too late.

[Infared]

I have come to realize that the "person" that I was with was an invention of the moment created to interact with me. It was nobody. That is who your replacement is with right now.  Nobody. There is no sense of self as we know it. PwBPD will say what ever they need to to gain acceptance and control.  They have an incredible ability to pick partners who are easily and happily mirrored. (That is our part in this).

Did yours play the victim?   ... .we just love to rescue them.  

Their "love" is that of a child. They live in that fantasy, but eventually... .slowly or quickly that dream crumbles. It cannot be sustained. When it does the looking for someone else devaluation of the curent partner begins.   They will become whoever they need to be for the next victim that strikes their fancy.

I have seen glimpses that under it all they truly loath themselves (whoever that is).   There is no helping or fixing any of it as the pwBPD sees that they have no problem. They just attach and renew. We are all to blame.

Better just avoided... .not recycled.

[Beach_Babe]

My ex even lied to my replacement and her freinds about deleting my number ! Also it seems all she does is talk about me negatively infront of our mutual freinds when my replacement is at beside her . Even tho it's negative just shows she is soo not over it .

Do we know the same person?

[Splitblack4good]

My ex even lied to my replacement and her freinds about deleting my number ! Also it seems all she does is talk about me negatively infront of our mutual freinds when my replacement is at beside her . Even tho it's negative just shows she is soo not over it .

Do we know the same person?

Yes we do she's called boarderline disorder .

[Beach_Babe]

Lol. Sad but true

[Xidion]

I have come to realize that the "person" that I was with was an invention of the moment created to interact with me. It was nobody. That is who your replacement is with right now.  Nobody. There is no sense of self as we know it. PwBPD will say what ever they need to to gain acceptance and control.  They have an incredible ability to pick partners who are easily and happily mirrored. (That is our part in this).

Did yours play the victim?   ... .we just love to rescue them.  

Their "love" is that of a child. They live in that fantasy, but eventually... .slowly or quickly that dream crumbles. It cannot be sustained. When it does the looking for someone else devaluation of the curent partner begins.   They will become whoever they need to be for the next victim that strikes their fancy.

I have seen glimpses that under it all they truly loath themselves (whoever that is).   There is no helping or fixing any of it as the pwBPD sees that they have no problem. They just attach and renew. We are all to blame.

Better just avoided... .not recycled.

You nailed it. Looking back, I can see how she mirrored me. My likes were her likes. She was never the leader in activities or anything. I was always the leader and she happily followed acting as if it was what she wanted to do, too. She never truly devalued me until we lived together. That's when it started to go into full force. Things that she used to love about me began to annoy her. I would laugh and she would give me a dirty look at how I was laughing. She became passive aggressive. She didn't want to do anything around the house. She litterally sat around watching tv while I was at work. The more days go by with NC, the more I remember in the 5-6 month range of our relationship and a lot of the drama she caused. She would often start an argument over some girl talking to me, leave my place having a hissy fit, then call me wanting to talk about it. Ths replacement has no idea what he is in for. Right now he thinks he found the girl of his dreams. He is in for a rude awakening.

[Infared]

I have come to realize that the "person" that I was with was an invention of the moment created to interact with me. It was nobody. That is who your replacement is with right now.  Nobody. There is no sense of self as we know it. PwBPD will say what ever they need to to gain acceptance and control.  They have an incredible ability to pick partners who are easily and happily mirrored. (That is our part in this).

Did yours play the victim?   ... .we just love to rescue them.  

Their "love" is that of a child. They live in that fantasy, but eventually... .slowly or quickly that dream crumbles. It cannot be sustained. When it does the looking for someone else devaluation of the curent partner begins.   They will become whoever they need to be for the next victim that strikes their fancy.

I have seen glimpses that under it all they truly loath themselves (whoever that is).   There is no helping or fixing any of it as the pwBPD sees that they have no problem. They just attach and renew. We are all to blame.

Better just avoided... .not recycled.

You nailed it. Looking back, I can see how she mirrored me. My likes were her likes. She was never the leader in activities or anything. I was always the leader and she happily followed acting as if it was what she wanted to do, too. She never truly devalued me until we lived together. That's when it started to go into full force. Things that she used to love about me began to annoy her. I would laugh and she would give me a dirty look at how I was laughing. She became passive aggressive. She didn't want to do anything around the house. She litterally sat around watching tv while I was at work. The more days go by with NC, the more I remember in the 5-6 month range of our relationship and a lot of the drama she caused. She would often start an argument over some girl talking to me, leave my place having a hissy fit, then call me wanting to talk about it. Ths replacement has no idea what he is in for. Right now he thinks he found the girl of his dreams. He is in for a rude awakening.

If you have no sense of self and are unhappy with your life (YOUR LIFE by yourself)... I believe you have no shot at a caring loving relationship with someone else.  PwBPD have no shot at that. None.  They will always eventually be unhappy because they have no capacity to love themselves.

[guy4caligirl]

I have come to realize that the "person" that I was with was an invention of the moment created to interact with me. It was nobody. That is who your replacement is with right now.  Nobody. There is no sense of self as we know it. PwBPD will say what ever they need to to gain acceptance and control.  They have an incredible ability to pick partners who are easily and happily mirrored. (That is our part in this).

Did yours play the victim?   ... .we just love to rescue them.  

Their "love" is that of a child. They live in that fantasy, but eventually... .slowly or quickly that dream crumbles. It cannot be sustained. When it does the looking for someone else devaluation of the curent partner begins.   They will become whoever they need to be for the next victim that strikes their fancy.

I have seen glimpses that under it all they truly loath themselves (whoever that is).   There is no helping or fixing any of it as the pwBPD sees that they have no problem. They just attach and renew. We are all to blam

Better just avoided... .not recycled.

You nailed it. Looking back, I can see how she mirrored me. My likes were her likes. She was never the leader in activities or anything. I was always the leader and she happily followed acting as if it was what she wanted to do, too. She never truly devalued me until we lived together. That's when it started to go into full force. Things that she used to love about me began to annoy her. I would laugh and she would give me a dirty look at how I was laughing. She became passive aggressive. She didn't want to do anything around the house. She litterally sat around watching tv while I was at work. The more days go by with NC, the more I remember in the 5-6 month range of our relationship and a lot of the drama she caused. She would often start an argument over some girl talking to me, leave my place having a hissy fit, then call me wanting to talk about it. Ths replacement has no idea what he is in for. Right now he thinks he found the girl of his dreams. He is in for a rude awakening.

What an awful illness , if they only realize what they do ... .Acting , is really tireing , their end must be painful .

Does anyone know about an older BPD, when got really old and lost their looks , where do they end up ?

[Infared]

I have come to realize that the "person" that I was with was an invention of the moment created to interact with me. It was nobody. That is who your replacement is with right now.  Nobody. There is no sense of self as we know it. PwBPD will say what ever they need to to gain acceptance and control.  They have an incredible ability to pick partners who are easily and happily mirrored. (That is our part in this).

Did yours play the victim?   ... .we just love to rescue them.  

Their "love" is that of a child. They live in that fantasy, but eventually... .slowly or quickly that dream crumbles. It cannot be sustained. When it does the looking for someone else devaluation of the curent partner begins.   They will become whoever they need to be for the next victim that strikes their fancy.

I have seen glimpses that under it all they truly loath themselves (whoever that is).   There is no helping or fixing any of it as the pwBPD sees that they have no problem. They just attach and renew. We are all to blam

Better just avoided... .not recycled.

You nailed it. Looking back, I can see how she mirrored me. My likes were her likes. She was never the leader in activities or anything. I was always the leader and she happily followed acting as if it was what she wanted to do, too. She never truly devalued me until we lived together. That's when it started to go into full force. Things that she used to love about me began to annoy her. I would laugh and she would give me a dirty look at how I was laughing. She became passive aggressive. She didn't want to do anything around the house. She litterally sat around watching tv while I was at work. The more days go by with NC, the more I remember in the 5-6 month range of our relationship and a lot of the drama she caused. She would often start an argument over some girl talking to me, leave my place having a hissy fit, then call me wanting to talk about it. Ths replacement has no idea what he is in for. Right now he thinks he found the girl of his dreams. He is in for a rude awakening.

What an awful illness , if they only realize what they do ... .Acting , is really tireing , their end must be painful .

Does anyone know about an older BPD, when got really old and lost their looks , where do they end up ?

Well, imagine being 55yrs old and still acting like you are in Jr... High School.

I am not a young man... .and I am surrounded by this in NJ.

I stay single.

I just laugh and walk away... .I go ride my motorcycle, hang out with friends or go create some great photos.

The swirling drama and self-discontent holds nothing for me. No thanks.

[parisian]

Does anyone know about an older BPD, when got really old and lost their looks , where do they end up ?

Guy, you will find some discussion on that topic here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37775.0

Noticeably: 'the promiscuity often gets better, simply because there are fewer partners that a 60-year-old hussy or lothario can attract. Also, the classic picture of a young BPD having their flaws overlooked because of their great looks and sexual prowess will definitely fade over time'



My exBPDgf has a relative who I believe also has the illness. She never told me that, just said was recluse and no one visits although my ex used to try. There's probably a good reason why and I think it's probably BPD also... .if my ex keeps going the way she is, she will end up like that too sadly. I think she fears that.

There are lots of potential health impacts as they age also - particularly if they have used drugs or alcohol to self-medicate for years.

There is one sad case in this article, although non-BPD elderly folk can also end up in not so pleasant circumstances too:

www.medscape.com/viewarticle/505595_5

'Interpersonal losses of previously sustaining relationships; decrease in physical beauty, energy, and capability which were sources of external admiration; similar loss of role-functioning-occupational, parental or societal; restriction in outlets for management of intolerable anxiety such as sexual or aggressive acting out, increased reliance on forced intimate relationships with caregivers leading to mobilization of rage, primitive dependency conflicts, fantasies of rescue, abandonment anxiety, and fear of engulfment.