The replacement being idealized...

[Xidion]

So, I did something I shouldn't have done, but curiosity killed the cat. I was at my cousins house (he is friends with my exBPD on facebook) and I used his facebook account to look at hers. I knew she was in a relationship with my replacement that she lined up whilst still with me... .this is what I saw. She has statuses that say "Something about this just feels right". Then the next post will be a meme about "sometimes I don't know if i have the strength to endure this" etc etc. She has a whole network of enablers. Her step mom is the biggest one, talking about how much of an upgrade he is from me... etc etc. Is it normal for them to already be parading their relationship all over the place like a fairy tale? It's a tad ridiculous and seems very extreme. Every post of his or hers is about one another and how amazing they are. How can you determine that in 6 weeks? Meanwhile she has done several drivebys at places I'm at. I'm 19 days no contact and feeling okay. Seeing that actually didn't hurt me... it kind of disgusted me at how soon it all happened. Please tell me that the sooner the idealization starts, the sooner the devaluation starts. I can't help but want this to fail miserably for both of them as I know my name is being smeared all over the place. I know you will all tell me that the sooner I don't care, the sooner I will be healed. But that's not what I'm looking for. I'm wanting insight on this relationship between him and her.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

This is a very traumatic experience - you have been devalued to the extreme by someone you loved dearly.  You have to remember it is not about you.  The idealisation of your replacement is not about him.  It is about her and her insecurities and her fear of abandonment. When she says that something about this just feels right - just means that the fear of abandonment is temporarily in relief.  It will return.  Turn away and look within.  It is the only way my friend.

[Splitblack4good]

I really wouldn't worry and I know it hurts . My ex and me are only 6 weeks split and she has done the same with my replacement on FB etc she is idolizing him big time ! Hair style change the works ! It's the BPD at work . Normaly tho things Arnt what they seem ive found out that my ex and new bf have been arguing a lot already ! And they dont go out etc as much as they make out . They do this to be the centre of attention and makes them look like ther happy infront of ther freinds etc .

[Xidion]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

[Splitblack4good]

By month 3y ex had tones of statements about me and her on her FB and stated she was in a relationship . By 6 months ther were loads of pictures of us even profile pics of the pair of us .also by this point she even hinted statuses about are arguments or when we had split up like said above just ther insecurities .

My replacements profile on FB however has not changed one bit so that tells me a lot .

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

They seem to thrive on drama and chaos.  Misery is at their core.  It is hard but my advice is to accept it is over.  You will be given the opportunity to triangulate and maybe even recycle.  Respect yourself.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  And most of them will be healthier.

[Splitblack4good]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

No proberly not . She will act astho she is my ex had me fooled I know a lot of Her freinds that have now fallen out with her and tell me a lot . I used to think like you are about them failing but what's the point ? We all know it will at some point . But by then you will not want her back you will be clear of the FOG and if she contacts you you will see her for what she is .

Plus my ex is feeling so guilty and shamefull she is avoiding me at all costs even has to plan her visits to our mutual freinds house ! To avoid seeing me . She did see me once then I got a text saying sorry she bumped into me !

[Xidion]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

They seem to thrive on drama and chaos.  Misery is at their core.  It is hard but my advice is to accept it is over.  You will be given the opportunity to triangulate and maybe even recycle.  Respect yourself.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  And most of them will be healthier.

You're right. I would almost be terrible enough to recycle and dump her. I know that's not right and I need to have more honor and dignity than that... .I'm just dumbfounded by how they are broadcasting it all over the place.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

They seem to thrive on drama and chaos.  Misery is at their core.  It is hard but my advice is to accept it is over.  You will be given the opportunity to triangulate and maybe even recycle.  Respect yourself.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  And most of them will be healthier.

You're right. I would almost be terrible enough to recycle and dump her. I know that's not right and I need to have more honor and dignity than that... .I'm just dumbfounded by how they are broadcasting it all over the place.

You are painted black.  In her eyes you are a naughty toy and she has found a good toy and she wants to tell the world, and you, how good her new toy is.  Remember - they are emotionally compromised at the level of a three year old.  The FOG will lift if you stick to NC.  And you will see this is the truth.

[Splitblack4good]

My ex even lied to my replacement and her freinds about deleting my number ! Also it seems all she does is talk about me negatively infront of our mutual freinds when my replacement is at beside her . Even tho it's negative just shows she is soo not over it .

[Xidion]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

They seem to thrive on drama and chaos.  Misery is at their core.  It is hard but my advice is to accept it is over.  You will be given the opportunity to triangulate and maybe even recycle.  Respect yourself.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  And most of them will be healthier.

You're right. I would almost be terrible enough to recycle and dump her. I know that's not right and I need to have more honor and dignity than that... .I'm just dumbfounded by how they are broadcasting it all over the place.

You are painted black.  In her eyes you are a naughty toy and she has found a good toy and she wants to tell the world, and you, how good her new toy is.  Remember - they are emotionally compromised at the level of a three year old.  The FOG will lift if you stick to NC.  And you will see this is the truth.

I need to resist the temptation of looking at her profiles online. It's actually been a daily thing for me. I haven't been able to not do it. It's been my only connection to her. This is truly the hardest b/u I have ever endured by a longshot. Especially with being replaced immediately and made to be a monster.

[Splitblack4good]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

This is bang on truth me and you are blacker than black he's washing machine White at the moment ! Until he does something bad in her eyes but will go Ivory in colour until the reality of the relationship kicks in the she will devalue him and he will be were we are now !

They seem to thrive on drama and chaos.  Misery is at their core.  It is hard but my advice is to accept it is over.  You will be given the opportunity to triangulate and maybe even recycle.  Respect yourself.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  And most of them will be healthier.

You're right. I would almost be terrible enough to recycle and dump her. I know that's not right and I need to have more honor and dignity than that... .I'm just dumbfounded by how they are broadcasting it all over the place.

You are painted black.  In her eyes you are a naughty toy and she has found a good toy and she wants to tell the world, and you, how good her new toy is.  Remember - they are emotionally compromised at the level of a three year old.  The FOG will lift if you stick to NC.  And you will see this is the truth.

[Xidion]

I know she isn't over her and I's relationship. Her sister keeps putting motivational sayings on her page, which leads me to believe she is confiding in her sister when she is feeling down about it. She also has a long post about how happy she is now, and that she wasn't sure she could do it, but somehow she mustered up the strength to leave me and couldn't be happier.

[Splitblack4good]

I know she isn't over her and I's relationship. Her sister keeps putting motivational sayings on her page, which leads me to believe she is confiding in her sister when she is feeling down about it. She also has a long post about how happy she is now, and that she wasn't sure she could do it, but somehow she mustered up the strength to leave me and couldn't be happier.

It's all words trust me . It's difficult I know and man am I hurting right now ! Just like you but I'm letting mine get on with it she is pushing me away further but they do that for several reasons being - she prob does love you and you got to close !

She feels shame

She feels guilt

[Turkish]

The hair style change that Sb4g mentioned is interesting... my Ex ran to a guy young enough to be my son. She grew her hair out long, despite keeping it short our whole time together. I'm almost 11 years older than she is. I found reference in her journal, where she questioned changing her hair style to cope with her inner feelings. A hair change is easy; not so much a change of feelings.

Xidion, it's hurtful that she's publicly idealizing the new guy. Mine did the same. In a subtle way while she was still living with me, and blatantly right after she left. I blocked her while she still, lived with me, and despite my clear instructions, a friend shared with me the juvenile idealizations she was psting on FB, which were probably an unconcious stab at me.

Can you accept that curiosity wounded the cat and not check again? It's understandable to seek amswers, even to questions which may never be answered to our satisfaction.

I did a google search on my replacement last week before I stopped myself and asked, "what am I doing? This isn't going to change anything." It's been ten months since she moved out. I'm doing a lot better, but the pain and curiosity still lingers, and that's ok.

[Xidion]

I'm going to do my best not to look at any of their social media. I have nothing to gain from it. I guess I looked because I really wanted to know to what extent it was. It was more than I had ever imagined. Seems like she is over-exaggerating her happiness to compensate for her inner darkness. I won't lie... .I want her to contact me a few months from now for some validation and to see her for what she really is.

[Xidion]

I know she isn't over her and I's relationship. Her sister keeps putting motivational sayings on her page, which leads me to believe she is confiding in her sister when she is feeling down about it. She also has a long post about how happy she is now, and that she wasn't sure she could do it, but somehow she mustered up the strength to leave me and couldn't be happier.

It's all words trust me . It's difficult I know and man am I hurting right now ! Just like you but I'm letting mine get on with it she is pushing me away further but they do that for several reasons being - she prob does love you and you got to close !

She feels shame

She feels guilt

I got really close. I was bringing her home flowers, and doing everything I could do to prove my love to her. It almost feels like she "conquered" me, so she got bored and moved on to the next. I was evening talking about getting another job that allowed me to have more evenings free to be able to spend more time with her. She replied with "No babe, just stick it out and see what happens in the next 2 years". The very day and she left me I said "It feels like I'm losing you". She replied with "Baby you aren't losing me, I will always be here with you". She also told me she loved me in the same sentence that she said she couldn't be with me anymore... Talk about a complete mind ___. Anyway... .

[Splitblack4good]

The hair style change that Sb4g mentioned is interesting... my Ex ran to a guy young enough to be my son. She grew her hair out long, despite keeping it short our whole time together. I'm almost 11 years older than she is. I found reference in her journal, where she questioned changing her hair style to cope with her inner feelings. A hair change is easy; not so much a change of feelings.

Xidion, it's hurtful that she's publicly idealizing the new guy. Mine did the same. In a subtle way while she was still living with me, and blatantly right after she left. I blocked her while she still, lived with me, and despite my clear instructions, a friend shared with me the juvenile idealizations she was psting on FB, which were probably an unconcious stab at me.

Can you accept that curiosity wounded the cat and not check again? It's understandable to seek amswers, even to questions which may never be answered to our satisfaction.

I did a google search on my replacement last week before I stopped myself and asked, "what am I doing? This isn't going to change anything." It's been ten months since she moved out. I'm doing a lot better, but the pain and curiosity still lingers, and that's ok.

The reason my ex changed her hair style is because my replacement is black (she is white) guy and all his freinds that are female and also black have similar hair styles . She done this for 2 reasons 1-so she would fit in with the group and the whole identity lack .my ex has been thru 4 groups of freinds in 1 year alone ! Each time clothes and hair style have altered to match she mirrors a lot . I almost feel sorry for her massive need to be excepted . I know deep down tho she is struggling with this and it hurts her not knowing who she is.

2 -so the replacement would feel comfitable and she thought its what he would approve of .

[Turkish]

I know she isn't over her and I's relationship. Her sister keeps putting motivational sayings on her page, which leads me to believe she is confiding in her sister when she is feeling down about it. She also has a long post about how happy she is now, and that she wasn't sure she could do it, but somehow she mustered up the strength to leave me and couldn't be happier.

It's all words trust me . It's difficult I know and man am I hurting right now ! Just like you but I'm letting mine get on with it she is pushing me away further but they do that for several reasons being - she prob does love you and you got to close !

She feels shame

She feels guilt

I got really close. I was bringing her home flowers, and doing everything I could do to prove my love to her. It almost feels like she "conquered" me, so she got bored and moved on to the next. I was evening talking about getting another job that allowed me to have more evenings free to be able to spend more time with her. She replied with "No babe, just stick it out and see what happens in the next 2 years". The very day and she left me I said "It feels like I'm losing you". She replied with "Baby you aren't losing me, I will always be here with you". She also told me she loved me in the same sentence that she said she couldn't be with me anymore... Talk about a complete mind ___. Anyway... .

In a healthy r/s, no one should have to "prove" their love. This is the stuff of fairy tales. When we  were still friends, my Ex said she hated marriage, and didn't believe in it. I stuck it out through our one recycle to prove her wrong, and proposed to her, though we never married. I moved in with her after less than 4 months of a romantic r/s because I bought into the "why don't you want to move in with me. Don't you love me?" Much crying, and some anger.

7 years and two kids later, I'm not sure if I'm more mad at her, or mad at myself.

[Splitblack4good]

I know she isn't over her and I's relationship. Her sister keeps putting motivational sayings on her page, which leads me to believe she is confiding in her sister when she is feeling down about it. She also has a long post about how happy she is now, and that she wasn't sure she could do it, but somehow she mustered up the strength to leave me and couldn't be happier.

It's all words trust me . It's difficult I know and man am I hurting right now ! Just like you but I'm letting mine get on with it she is pushing me away further but they do that for several reasons being - she prob does love you and you got to close !

She feels shame

She feels guilt

I got really close. I was bringing her home flowers, and doing everything I could do to prove my love to her. It almost feels like she "conquered" me, so she got bored and moved on to the next. I was evening talking about getting another job that allowed me to have more evenings free to be able to spend more time with her. She replied with "No babe, just stick it out and see what happens in the next 2 years". The very day and she left me I said "It feels like I'm losing you". She replied with "Baby you aren't losing me, I will always be here with you". She also told me she loved me in the same sentence that she said she couldn't be with me anymore... Talk about a complete mind ___. Anyway... .

Exactly the same with mine you almost just told my story ! She told me after getting with my replacement that I got to close but in a non direct way .

At a guess if you have not left things and split up on a good positive way I'd say yours will be back . Mine however will not due to we had 2 bad recycles and to much damage done .

[Xidion]

My brain knows that if I were to invest more time into this, that I would get nowhere. I know I wouldn't want to have children with this woman or marry her. But my heart is way behind my brain. Hurt is hurt... .

[Splitblack4good]

I know she isn't over her and I's relationship. Her sister keeps putting motivational sayings on her page, which leads me to believe she is confiding in her sister when she is feeling down about it. She also has a long post about how happy she is now, and that she wasn't sure she could do it, but somehow she mustered up the strength to leave me and couldn't be happier.

It's all words trust me . It's difficult I know and man am I hurting right now ! Just like you but I'm letting mine get on with it she is pushing me away further but they do that for several reasons being - she prob does love you and you got to close !

She feels shame

She feels guilt

I got really close. I was bringing her home flowers, and doing everything I could do to prove my love to her. It almost feels like she "conquered" me, so she got bored and moved on to the next. I was evening talking about getting another job that allowed me to have more evenings free to be able to spend more time with her. She replied with "No babe, just stick it out and see what happens in the next 2 years". The very day and she left me I said "It feels like I'm losing you". She replied with "Baby you aren't losing me, I will always be here with you". She also told me she loved me in the same sentence that she said she couldn't be with me anymore... Talk about a complete mind ___. Anyway... .

Funny how you say you were going to change jobs to spend more time with her . My ex suggested that I have 2 days off a week and she work 2 nights a week to cover my days off she said it was coz she knew how tired and stressed I was come Thursdays and my job is physical .

Looking back and knowing what I do know about BPD she suggested this for her needs as in Id spend more time with her ! She hated the fact I worked long hours . My replacement is unemployed and they are together 24/7 no wonder she likes him .

[Xidion]

My replacement actually has a job that he works long hours. However, he is pretty darn ugly (all my friends that are girls were pretty surprised) and he has no life outside of that. It looks like they are spending every free second together as well as plastering it all over facebook.

[Splitblack4good]

My brain knows that if I were to invest more time into this, that I would get nowhere. I know I wouldn't want to have children with this woman or marry her. But my heart is way behind my brain. Hurt is hurt... .

It is hard to except I know but I see it now that after 3 attempts it's not going to work Thers so many underlying problems that Arnt resolved and she is never going to admit her mistakes and all blame is on me ! So it's a rock and a very hard place situation love will never be enough unless they except they have an illness and want treatment .

[Xidion]

My brain knows that if I were to invest more time into this, that I would get nowhere. I know I wouldn't want to have children with this woman or marry her. But my heart is way behind my brain. Hurt is hurt... .

It is hard to except I know but I see it now that after 3 attempts it's not going to work Thers so many underlying problems that Arnt resolved and she is never going to admit her mistakes and all blame is on me ! So it's a rock and a very hard place situation love will never be enough unless they except they have an illness and want treatment .

You're right about that. I guess in the end, once we weather the storm and get past this... we are able to learn of this and move on and be happy. But they will always repeat the same cycles, never be happy, and always blame the other person for being at fault.

[enlighten me]

My ex has put nothing about my replacements on fb yet. She is very secretive about them when it comes to me. She goes to vist and has her new bf over but her fb status is still single. She has been out in public with her previous bf but never mentioned him.

She was secretive about me aswell. I think her and her ex hadnt split up when she contacted me so she didnt want to show she had moved on so quickly.

They either flaunt it or hide it. I suppose it depends on them and how they actually felt about you. The ones that rub it in your face are showing you meant something to them. The ones that hide it may be doing the same. Who can really know?

[Splitblack4good]

My ex has put nothing about my replacements on fb yet. She is very secretive about them when it comes to me. She goes to vist and has her new bf over but her fb status is still single. She has been out in public with her previous bf but never mentioned him.

She was secretive about me aswell. I think her and her ex hadnt split up when she contacted me so she didnt want to show she had moved on so quickly.

They either flaunt it or hide it. I suppose it depends on them and how they actually felt about you. The ones that rub it in your face are showing you meant something to them. The ones that hide it may be doing the same. Who can really know?

The first time I saw her profile pic of my ex kissing my replacement (12hours arfter we split) and I asked her was that to hurt me as I split up with her I got back "the pic done its purpose " ouch that hurt .

[Infern0]

Read my thread about how replacements get treated.

Idealisation is FAKE,  it's a coping mechanism that invariably ends.

Think about yourself

[fred6]

When we  were still friends, my Ex said she hated marriage, and didn't believe in it.

7 years and two kids later, I'm not sure if I'm more mad at her, or mad at myself.

That's interesting Turkish. My ex said the same thing. She didn't believe in marriage, "Why get married, why can't 2 people just be in a committed relationship". However, it seems as thought her idea of a "committed" relationship involved cheating and lying. I believe that my ex doesn't believe in marriage because she knows that all of her relationships eventually end the same way. Not to mention the hypocritical nature of a church going Christian who "puts god first in her life", saying that they don't believe in marriage. Her Christianity seems just as fake as the rest of her existence. 

[Splitblack4good]

I should of seen the big red flags with my ex when I came to marriage she had been engaged 3 times , planned 2 weddings even got a wedding dress when she was with her ex before me . She always made out it was something they had done for her to not marry them . Hhhmmm think maybe they got to close then she sabotaged it . I'd love to be able to ask her exes what really happend . Think she loved the idea of it and the fear of abandonment was gone but only in the engagement .

Come to think of it when we first got together I said to her does she fear commitment to marriage after she told me the story's and she said yes . So I am an idiot ! Lol .

She even confesed to staying with her ex before me for 4 years as she would rather be with someone than be on her own .   she said the 1st year was great the last 3 she didn't go anywere near him and slept in seperate beds .even told me after I asked why she stayed with him for that long if she wasn't happy and said I tried to love him but couldn't   I now know I was his replacement ! Dam !