Bpdh has no interest in me

[Sadsue]

I'm completely at a loss and dreading the holidays.  My BPDh has really struggled with depression since the summer, in 3 months we only slept in the same bed about 7 times, I decided to take a step back to give him space and things improved slightly but I'm hurting, he makes no effort to spend time with me, he sits in another room watching tv everynight, I no longer ask him if he wants to watch something with me as he gets angry saying I'm telling him what to do.  We used to go out a lot, but have been out twice since May.  I've lost weight and in the best shape of my life yet he doesn't want to be intimate with me, he never hugs me or kisses me other than a peck before work.  I've tried initiating, telling him how sexy I think he is and he constantly rejects me, saying I am pressuring him, so I've give up on that too.  For 4 years we had a great sex life, lots of flirting, a real connection but that's gone.

He never asks about me or my day, if I talk about me he just stares at tv or computer, I make so much effort to ask about him and be interested in him.

I'm a good wife, I do everything around the house, he doesn't do anything.  I wouldn't mind, even though I work full time if I got something, anything back from him. 

I feel I have been patient but he really doesn't seem to be interested.  I can't call him on it because it makes him angry and he starts destroying the house so for a peaceful life I keep quiet.  I've often wondered if there is someone else but I really don't think so.  He drinks every night on top of his meds, again gets angry if I suggest he cuts down.  I've suggested he speak to docs, guess what it makes him angry. 

I lie in bed nearly everynight waiting for his touch that never comes, am I flogging a dead horse?  Will we ever get that connection back?

Going to be lonely this Christmas

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[Crumbling]

 

It's such a difficult time of year.  It certainly brings everything up to the surface, doesn't it?  The loneliness is a hard pill to swallow, for sure.      I know the feeling.

I've been reminded lately how important it is to have a support system in place for myself.  Do you have a "Team Sadsue" that is there for YOU?  There are some great threads that cover this topic pretty good.

Question two:  Do you have plans for YOU this season?  Are you going to do something that is for YOU?  Very important.  very, very important.

Because you are.

  

[Sadsue]

Thanks do much for your reply.  I haven't told anyone about my circumstances, I have 2 children from a previous relationship and they know how difficult my husband can be but I shield them from it as much as possible.  My family and friends have no idea, I don't want to be disloyal to my husband and talk to them about him because I hope we can work it out.

I have seen a counsellor but my free sessions have run out, my counsellor said my husband has many many issues that I cant fix.  He basically advised me to leave but I don't want to, I want it to work. 

We have plans to go away for a few days after Xmas just the two of us but I'm dreading it as everything we do ends in a row.  But I will keep quiet and not rock the boat and hopefully we can enjoy our time together. 

I just feel so alone.  He's never there for me and can't be relied on for anything.  He's always tired, moody, miserable and it's hard.  He gives everything he has to his work, his daughter, his hobbies and there's nothing left for me, I'm at the bottom of his priority list

[Crumbling]

Sometimes, with BPDs, what they love the most is the one thing they keep farthest from them.  The love/connection they feel comes wrapped in a fear of being abandoned, and that dictates their actions, instead of the love, and they end up pushing you away, or ignoring you.  It is such a hard place to be.

I'm sorry your councillor told you you should leave.  Maybe it was because there were no more sessions left, and it does take a lot of support to manage BPD, for both of you.  But the lessons and support you have here are a great place to start.

The loneliness is the worst.  Try to remember it's not you that is causing his rejections, it's an issue he is carrying that you are subject to, but it is NOT your fault.  It's part of the disease.

I haven't made plans with my BPDh.  I have made plans for me, and if he chooses to come, great.  If not, he's on his own and I'll still have a good time.  We've had so many troubles trying to stay committed to plans in the past, I've given up trying.  I just do my thing, and he can tag along if he feels strong enough.  If not, stay home, Grinch! ... .him, not you

What's your favorite thing about the holidays?

[vortex of confusion]

I don't really have much advice. I have been with my husband for 16.5 years and what you describe is how my marriage has been for years. My husband has improved a little since he has been going to therapy and is in a 12 step program for sex addiction. And, he is on an antidepressant. If he forgets to take his antidepressant, he is a ticking time bomb.

I know that loneliness all too well. We haven't shared a bed on a regular basis in years. It used to be that me getting up all the time to take care of night time parenting bugged him. Now, I am tired and lonely and have no desire to have him touch me. I have cried myself to sleep way too many times over the years. I have woken up alone all too often as well. Even when we did sleep in the same bed, I would wake up to him being up and on the computer. In the early days, he would wake up early so he could look at porn and take care of himself. Somewhere along the way, he quit doing that and started playing his computer games.

I wish I could say it gets better but I can't. Sending you a great big hug!  

[Crumbling]

   for you, VC.

What has gotten better for me, is how comfortable I am in the loneliness.  Some days, it's too much to take, and I crumble.  Other days, it's okay.  I have others that love me, others that will comfort and listen to me, others who can help me through the bad days.

I keep working at accepting what he can and cannot give.  I really think it broke his heart to hear me say, you didn't comfort me, and I know you don't know how, and I accept that and it's okay.  It was certainly hard enough to say, but each time I say it, I believe it more and accept it more.  And that helps get through it.

What scares me is that someday, I may be in a position where there is someone else making me feel warm, comforted and desired and I'm going to melt like wax on a hot tin roof and become putty in his hands.  I don't want this, and do what I can to not let other possible r/s blossom, but it is a fear of mine.  Its hard not to feel desired by the one you love.

And so da&# unfair!

[Sadsue]

Thank you, I worry too that one day I will get that warm wanted feeling from elsewhere, and that is the last thing I want to do but can I live in this loveless marriage for the rest of my life.  I don't want that affection from anyone else, I want it from him.  I want him to appreciate what a loyal loving wife he has and would be faithful to him forever if he would just show me a little bit of love.

What hurts is that my work colleagues know and care more about what's going on in my life.  I'm grateful for their friendship but it's not from the one person in the whole world I want it from.  My husband only ever sees the negative, why can't he see me through other peoples eyes, I'm well liked, respected and loved just not by him!  That makes me very sad

[Crumbling]

He probably does know how luck, or blessed, he is for having you in his life, that's what makes him run.  To admit he has something good is to admit it might be taken away=his greatest fear. That's why he has nothing for you... .because he can't allow himself to just feel the good part.  The negativity in him takes over, when you remind him he is loved, and he neglects you.  It is sad, heart-wrenching, in fact.

I guess that's where our jobs become so hard.  Loving without expecting anything back.  Not a task easy to face for anyone.  But we all have a choice, right?

[Sadsue]

You know I think you're right, whenever we row he always throws in the 'oh you're so perfect' quote, now I'm far from perfect and never pretended to be and will quite readily admit my faults to him but I do think I'm a good wife to him and think that might intimidate him.

Also when we first got together he said to me 'I hope I don't let you down'. I didn't understand why he said it at the time, I do now.  Also his ex (mother of his child) told him to look after me and treat me right - he readily told me this!

I think love scares him, he doesn't believe in cuddles and hugs especially when I try and comfort him.  To me that's not a normal response to someone who is trying to comfort him.   I don't think he knows how to accept love, I know he didn't get any in his childhood and think that's the problem.   I wish he would just ride with it for a while and see how great life could be. 

It's as though he feels he doesn't deserve to be loved in the way I love him, he often tells me he hates himself!

If he was that unhappy with me why doesn't he leave, he has other options, including a property he owns and rents out, so I know he's not staying through necessity so I suppose I should get some comfort from that.   Maybe just by being here, he thinks he's showing he loves me, even though I am ignored most of the time !

Feeling a little better after your responses, thank you all.