My sister has BPD and is trying to ruin my wedding

[stepper123]

I am in my mid-twenties and my sister is 32. I have always loved and her and looked up to her, but in the last few years, I have discovered that both she and my mom have BPD. I have lived a difficult life at home with my mother's "splitting" behaviors and my sister's raging and angry outbursts, but everything has come to a head recently as I am planning my wedding.

My wedding day is a very important day to me and my fiancé, and it is very important that we have a solemn, serious, and uninterrupted ceremony. Our wedding ceremony will be short - 40 minutes max. We are not having any children at the wedding or reception, with the exception of my children's two young boys, who will be 4 years old and 2 years old. While I love them dearly, they are unpredictable and boisterous, and I have kindly told my sister that while I want them to be present the entire day and the celebration, I would like for someone to care for them while I am saying my vows. I even arranged a nearby location that was safe, and offered to have multiple adult babysitters (that I would pay) to care for them.

She was completely livid. While I was at work (I'm a medical student and work long hours in a hospital), she spent 12 hours texting me some of the most hurtful things I've ever heard from anyone. Things like "this day isn't all about you, you selfish, unloving brat" and "I've never wanted to go to any event less in my life" and "you are shunning your blood from your wedding - you expect us to bow down to you and show you love when you kick us around like dogs" and even "you are a parasite to our family and treat our parents like they are a bank." She said that "it was too late" for my fiancé (meaning she would never forgive him), despite her thinking he was the best person on the entire planet just a few months ago when they met... .classic splitting. I have asked her to be my maid of honor, and she has not even spoken to me for the past few weeks. I told her she needed to pick out and order her bridesmaids dress by the 25th of December (all the bridesmaids can pick their own style, but I wanted her to have first pick of hers as my maid of honor) and she has yet to pick her dress or even speak to me whatsoever. While I love my sister, I can't forgive her for the terrible things she said, even if it was borderline rage. I don't even want her at my wedding anymore because she made it clear to me that she would be scowling the entire day, and will likely do whatever she can to draw attention to herself and steal attention from my parents on my own wedding day. I can't help but be incredibly resentful. I'm not sure how to handle this situation, since I am standing my ground and still not allowing her children at our ceremony. At this point, even if I did allow them, she would still be angry, and I am not going to reinforce her tantrums by giving her what she wants.

At the end of the day I just want her to be there and be at least neutral. Ideally she would be pleasant but that may be asking for too much from my very ill sister. And if she isn't going to be pleasant, I'd like her to stay home and spare me the grief. I'm not sure how to proceed with this since the 25th of December is approaching and she has not yet purchased her dress. At that point I'm going to ask her if she will be accepting my invitation as the maid of honor - but I know that if she declines, my mother (who also has BPD) will be heartbroken. My mother is siding with my sister in this situation since she has responded similarly to friends who have requested her children be absent when we were younger. And while I want to please my family, I have spent way too much of my own life sacrificing my own wants and needs to please my mother and sister, who can never be happy because of their disease. My wedding day is my moment to show my family that I have boundaries, and that I am my own person who will not continue to yield to the tantrums and the unreasonable requests of my family. I am holding my ground. This is a lose-lose situation, and I just want to have a respectful and fun wedding. Please give me some advice on how to handle this situation!

[Kwamina]

Hi stepper123

I would like to welcome you to bpdfamily! I think many of our members will be able to relate to your story.

I have discovered that both she and my mom have BPD. I have lived a difficult life at home with my mother's "splitting" behaviors and my sister's raging and angry outbursts

I sure know what this is like! You could be describing my own situation here. I too have an (undiagnosed) BPD mother and older sister. How did you come to the conclusion that your mother and sister have BPD? Is this something you suspect based on their behavior and/or have they perhaps also been formally diagnosed with this disorder?

At the end of the day I just want her to be there and be at least neutral. Ideally she would be pleasant but that may be asking for too much from my very ill sister.

That would be ideal indeed. Unfortunately we can't control our BPD loved ones though and you seem quite aware of the possibility of your sister acting out. No matter what anybody might think of your decision, it is your decision to make and your wedding. When dealing with someone who has BPD, setting and enforcing boundaries is very important to protect your own mental and emotional well-being. Do you feel comfortable setting and enforcing boundaries with your sister (and mother)? We have some information here about boundaries that you might find helpful:

BOUNDARIES - Living our values

At some point you probably are gonna have a conversation with your sister and there are certain communication techniques that can be helpful then. One of them is S.E.T. which stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. This technique is basically aimed at helping you speak your truth to the person with BPD while minimizing the likelihood of (further) conflict and maximizing the likelihood of getting through to her. You can read more here:

COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique

[Butterfly1250]

Hi Stepper 123,

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through.  My uBPD sister was VERY trying for my wedding as well.  She did everything she could to put the attention on herself before the wedding. She even shaved her head a week before the wedding, saying it was because of some mysterious scalp issue, but we all knew what she was really doing. My fiancée was furious. We decided to stand firm together and told her she was not invited to the wedding unless she wore a wig.  We didn't know what would happen. Thankfully in our case she did end up buying a wig THE DAY BEFORE, and was on her best behavior during the wedding. 

We can't predict how our BPD loved ones will act in most cases, but you standing up for your own needs and boundaries is the right thing.  I hope the resources here on this site help you deal with your sister's behavior as your wedding date gets closer.  My heart truly goes out to you, and I wish you the best as you face these difficulties with her.