Moving

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok folks. I think I may be ready to move along to L6. Taking Personel Inventory. I need to stop beating this dead horse of should of, could of, would of. I realize my r/s for what it was. Everything to me, nothing to her. I need to fix my enabling codependency. I'll poke my head in every now and again! Love ya's!

[Deeno02]

Ok folks. I think I may be ready to move along to L6. Taking Personel Inventory. I need to stop beating this dead horse of should of, could of, would of. I realize my r/s for what it was. Everything to me, nothing to her. I need to fix my enabling codependency. I'll poke my head in every now and again! Love ya's!

[Targeted]

Deeno, Reading your posts it seems as though you are in the anger stage of healing after the break up, I envy you a little bit for that because it seems to be a step that I am skipping, feeling hurt, sad, disappointed, abused, taken advantage of, and everything else but for some reason I cannot get angry?  I wish I could because I think this would be easier!

[Deeno02]

Deeno, Reading your posts it seems as though you are in the anger stage of healing after the break up, I envy you a little bit for that because it seems to be a step that I am skipping, feeling hurt, sad, disappointed, abused, taken advantage of, and everything else but for some reason I cannot get angry?  I wish I could because I think this would be easier!

More like indifferent. Pain and anger is there, make no mistake, but I'm not wasting anymore damn time on her. Why waste time on someone who may have been in love, but just used you for her own purposes under the heading of being in love? I was all in, she wasnt and that doesnt make an r/s. It never will.

[Targeted]

Deeno, Reading your posts it seems as though you are in the anger stage of healing after the break up, I envy you a little bit for that because it seems to be a step that I am skipping, feeling hurt, sad, disappointed, abused, taken advantage of, and everything else but for some reason I cannot get angry?  I wish I could because I think this would be easier!

More like indifferent. Pain and anger is there, make no mistake, but I'm not wasting anymore damn time on her. Why waste time on someone who may have been in love, but just used you for her own purposes under the heading of being in love? I was all in, she wasnt and that doesnt make an r/s. It never will.

I know you're right, I know I was all in on the relationship, you just said here pain and anger is there, I have the pain but not the anger, I wish I could be a little more angry, I think it may be codependent trait of mine that I need to change, I should be angry when somebody treats me like this. I just look at her as a sad individual and feel bad for her that she will never have a normal relationship instead of being angry at the way she treated me when I should be angry, I totally realise this will never work because she has no idea how to even be faithful never mind have a relationship and I am out, I just wish I could be more angry, I think it speeds up the healing.

[Deeno02]

Deeno, Reading your posts it seems as though you are in the anger stage of healing after the break up, I envy you a little bit for that because it seems to be a step that I am skipping, feeling hurt, sad, disappointed, abused, taken advantage of, and everything else but for some reason I cannot get angry?  I wish I could because I think this would be easier!

More like indifferent. Pain and anger is there, make no mistake, but I'm not wasting anymore damn time on her. Why waste time on someone who may have been in love, but just used you for her own purposes under the heading of being in love? I was all in, she wasnt and that doesnt make an r/s. It never will.

I know you're right, I know I was all in on the relationship, you just said here pain and anger is there, I have the pain but not the anger, I wish I could be a little more angry, I think it may be codependent trait of mine that I need to change, I should be angry when somebody treats me like this. I just look at her as a sad individual and feel bad for her that she will never have a normal relationship instead of being angry at the way she treated me when I should be angry, I totally realise this will never work because she has no idea how to even be faithful never mind have a relationship and I am out, I just wish I could be more angry, I think it speeds up the healing.

I didnt have the cheating portion(went through that goat rope with my ex wife) but the verbal, emotional and mental abuse broke me down breach style. This was worse than my divorce. I cant fix her. Thought I could as I have fixed most everything in my life. Now I have to fix myself, which is proving to be the hardest aspect I have ever faced. I have no time for her and her crap any longer. Im more important than her. The new dude may be the right guy, I dont know. Dont fu*king care. All I know is that she tossed a not perfect but loving guy who would have loved her and her 5 kids with all I was capable to. Her loss. Thats how I look at it now. Her freaking loss.

[Targeted]

That's how I look at it now to deeno,

mine had four kids, if a guy like us is willing to take on a woman with emotional issues and as many children we deserve a ___ ton more respect from them then they are actually capable of giving. My ex was a mess, at over 50 I was her longest relationship, she usually only makes it 3–6 months with anybody. I knew her for 7 1/2 years before the relationship in and in our 2 1/2 years together she could not respect that?   Good luck to the next 3–6 month victim.

[Deeno02]

That's how I look at it now to deeno,

mine had four kids, if a guy like us is willing to take on a woman with emotional issues and as many children we deserve a ___ ton more respect from them then they are actually capable of giving. My ex was a mess, at over 50 I was her longest relationship, she usually only makes it 3–6 months with anybody. I knew her for 7 1/2 years before the relationship in and in our 2 1/2 years together she could not respect that?   Good luck to the next 3–6 month victim.

Its funny that her constant thing was "You better treat me special or lose me". Open your eyes you moron, here's a guy who could be out dating up a storm chasing chicks and he's sitting on a couch with you, holding you while 5 kids are running all over the place and we are just enjoying it all. Even better when both my kids were over. One big brady bunch thing and I loved it! So, thats not treating you special? It was a good thing she dumped me about a week before her birthday as I was going to propose to her on her day. Divine intervention perhaps? It broke my heart and still pains me, but it could  have been worse. I could have married her... .Holy Sh*t.

[Targeted]

Yeah mine will always say that "you don't treat me special"  " we never do anything ".  " you never take me out "

Whenever I did take out it was a Sh* t show disaster!  If there was one female in the restaurant or anyplace that I Took her The night was over!  I'm sorry but females exist.

And just like you explained with the kids doing they are saying and you just enjoying it all?

She had something way better than somebody who would just take her out!  I took on her everyday life,  I took her IN!

Good luck finding that again with her problems

[Deeno02]

Yeah mine will always say that "you don't treat me special"  " we never do anything ".  " you never take me out "

Whenever I did take out it was a Sh* t show disaster!  If there was one female in the restaurant or anyplace that I Took her The night was over!  I'm sorry but females exist.

And just like you explained with the kids doing they are saying and you just enjoying it all?

She had something way better than somebody who would just take her out!  I took on her everyday life,  I took her IN!

Good luck finding that again with her problems

Aint my circus, aint my monkeys.

[Elpis]

Wow you two! You both had a lot to offer those women--i'm so sorry they couldn't see it. Being willing to love someone else's kids as your own is a huge gift to them and to their mother. This just shows the depth of their disorder, the fact they couldn't appreciate what you had.

I felt like that about my uBPDh, especially as he's been talking about me like I've been some sort of dead weight when I became his daughter's mom when she was 6 and raised her and even adopted her. And I was there through all his depressions and panic episodes and even through his anger (which he calls "frustration"--I dunno, balled fists and narrowed eyes and clenched jaw LOOKS like anger... .)

Targeted, don't feel bad that you don't feel angry but still feel more hurt. It will come in its time. I stayed more hurt for months, and when my T would say "you were really mad at him for that!" I would think, "no, I was sad." But I think there is something in our individual makeup that allows one person to recognize their anger where you are I are maybe more familiar with the hurt and sadness? Because I do hear anger in your words about the restaurant and such.

For me and my childhood and life thus far, plus my emotional makeup, I am more easily butt-hurt than I am angry. I think the angry comes as we recognize our need to protect ourselves and have better boundaries where we want to hold off someone else from hurting us. It's been confusing to me too, this whole anger/sadness thing!

[whythisgirl]

Good luck with everything Deeno! I value the feedback you have provided me here. Happy Holidays!

[Targeted]

Elpis, thank you!

She only had one child at home when we started dating but birthdays and Christmas and events still happen for everyone and I made all of this matter to me. I did for them what I would do for my own, not to mention taking on her home that needed to be cleaned and fixed up as well is the responsibility of three horses, kind of funny A complete stranger on a message board could see how much we have to offer and appreciate that with a few kind words when the person actually receiving it could not and also made me feel like a useless person that does not do enough because of it in return.

[Targeted]

I think you just validated me. I forgot what that feels like!  LOL

[Deeno02]

Wow you two! You both had a lot to offer those women--i'm so sorry they couldn't see it. Being willing to love someone else's kids as your own is a huge gift to them and to their mother. This just shows the depth of their disorder, the fact they couldn't appreciate what you had.

I felt like that about my uBPDh, especially as he's been talking about me like I've been some sort of dead weight when I became his daughter's mom when she was 6 and raised her and even adopted her. And I was there through all his depressions and panic episodes and even through his anger (which he calls "frustration"--I dunno, balled fists and narrowed eyes and clenched jaw LOOKS like anger... .)

Targeted, don't feel bad that you don't feel angry but still feel more hurt. It will come in its time. I stayed more hurt for months, and when my T would say "you were really mad at him for that!" I would think, "no, I was sad." But I think there is something in our individual makeup that allows one person to recognize their anger where you are I are maybe more familiar with the hurt and sadness? Because I do hear anger in your words about the restaurant and such.

For me and my childhood and life thus far, plus my emotional makeup, I am more easily butt-hurt than I am angry. I think the angry comes as we recognize our need to protect ourselves and have better boundaries where we want to hold off someone else from hurting us. It's been confusing to me too, this whole anger/sadness thing!

Thank you Elpis. All her kids were 15 and younger. One autistic who I did more for than his father. Then poof, devaluing and finally getting cut out of her and the kids schedule, being told by her that i felt like her and the kids were nothing but pains in the asses, calling my daughter a cock block, yet I hung on. Im not perfect, I had my moments, but my god I loved them and her. I never got the chance to say goodbye.

[guy4caligirl]

Deeno all the best wishes for you hang in there they don't know what they lost yet but they will .    

[Elpis]

I think you just validated me. I forgot what that feels like!  LOL

I'm at the point where I can usually visualize nearly instantly a picture of my uBPDh with words dancing over his head as he talks: INVALIDATION  ONE-UP INVALIDATION  INVALIDATION

The most important bit for both you and Deeno02 is that now that you've learned what an unhealthy relationship looks like you'll know what healthy is, and you'll be able to give and share and love in a RECIPROCAL relationship! And you will. It'll happen.