I wonder if the holidays bring regret and / or reflection to our exes?

[lipstick]

Hi Family,

Being that Christmas is next week and the new year is fast approaching - I've been wondering lately if our exes are in any way affected by the holidays?

Like - do they stop and reflect on past relationships? Friends? Loved ones? Those that have passed on? I know I certainly do my share of it this time of year. And with that comes thoughts of the ex, naturally.

My ex shows no signs of it outwardly. He's busy putting on a great show for all to see via Fakebook. However, I know he can be quite introspective when he allows himself to be. I'm always inclined to reach out to those I've lost touch with at this time. Just not him ! LOL !

I just wonder if this time of year brings about any melancholy or reflection on their part.

Anyone have an insight on this? Just a curiosity thing, really.

Thx!   

[merlin4926]

I would love to think it does but I think the reality is that they are too caught up with the excitement of someone new - not that it will last.  Last yr I was showered with presents and gestures then BANG thrown out of the house at 5 am Boxing Day  as being 'selfish'. That's when it all went wrong. He never spoke about previous Xmas' or missing his mum who ran away from him, or anyone else who had been close to him in the past. Sorry to be so negative - I'd love to think he would think about me this Xmas but know he won't

[Splitblack4good]

My ex is blaming me for her and her kids are gona have a crap Xmas ! She should of thought of that before she got with someone else 12 hours after an argument . All I got from her was "once the kids go to my mums Boxing Day il be on my own " I suggested she spend Xmas with my replacement that's what she's gona do anyway but still had the front to ask me for some money as she's skint CHEEK !

She normaly loves Xmas last year she still had her mum and her aunt they have now disowned her and has no1 left other than my replacement she's known 6 weeks ! Good I hope she does have a crap Xmas .

[Hawk Ridge]

Our first Christmas - amazing, spectacular.  Our 2nd Christmas - distance and even making me go away for part of the vacation.  This year - she is with my replacement.  I get the sense she is in her way or in the midst of a devaluation soo... .

[parisian]

Mine does not go home (to FOO) during the festive break - I think is too hard emotionally for her. Her Mom is a major trigger I suspect. Instead, she relishes in the ultra-social activites this time of year - an even better excuse to drink to the point of being legless more times in one week and this is her modus operandi, it is therefore an excellent opportunity to hit on a replacement or just have some one-night stands for some self-soothing. Being drunk and throwing herself at people for sex is the only way she can hit on replacements. I know, because that's what she did to me and others. She can't be sober and have normal friendly conversations with people - it is too hard for her to sustain the 'mask'. Being drunk however, she becomes miss super social charming witty amazing person. I've seen her drunk around people she didn't know (my friends), and she becomes agressive in conversation about perceived differences in opinion. That's why she has to hang out with her group of drinking enablers.

Who knows whether they think / reflect / experience regret. Her super-sonic pace of never-ending social activities is designed so she doesn't have to spend much time alone to think and feel the immense shame, embarrassment, guilt, self-hate about how she lives her life and how she treated others (although of course BPD never really reflect on how they treat others - it is all about them so probably when she does think, it is about how others treated her).

I'm sure in the quiet periods of having to recover from all that social activity (and I know she does have downtime for this), there may be tiny moments perhaps when she does, but nothing will ever come out of that. In those quiet periods she spends days watching multiple seasons of tv shows. I imagine that's so she doesn't have to give much thinking time to anything else.

I expect I will hear from my exBPD over the Christmas break, as most of her enablers will be away. If she can't find anyone else to hang out with, I'll no doubt have some contact from her, but we will see I guess. I'm painted black now and the few times we have caught up have been her being critical parent towards me.

[Brazil]

Mine does not go home (to FOO) during the festive break - I think is too hard emotionally for her. Her Mom is a major trigger I suspect. Instead, she relishes in the ultra-social activites this time of year - an even better excuse to drink to the point of being legless more times in one week and this is her modus operandi, it is therefore an excellent opportunity to hit on a replacement or just have some one-night stands for some self-soothing. Being drunk and throwing herself at people for sex is the only way she can hit on replacements. I know, because that's what she did to me and others. She can't be sober and have normal friendly conversations with people - it is too hard for her to sustain the 'mask'. Being drunk however, she becomes miss super social charming witty amazing person. I've seen her drunk around people she didn't know (my friends), and she becomes agressive in conversation about perceived differences in opinion. That's why she has to hang out with her group of drinking enablers.

Who knows whether they think / reflect / experience regret. Her super-sonic pace of never-ending social activities is designed so she doesn't have to spend much time alone to think and feel the immense shame, embarrassment, guilt, self-hate about how she lives her life and how she treated others (although of course BPD never really reflect on how they treat others - it is all about them so probably when she does think, it is about how others treated her).

I'm sure in the quiet periods of having to recover from all that social activity (and I know she does have downtime for this), there may be tiny moments perhaps when she does, but nothing will ever come out of that. In those quiet periods she spends days watching multiple seasons of tv shows. I imagine that's so she doesn't have to give much thinking time to anything else.

I expect I will hear from my exBPD over the Christmas break, as most of her enablers will be away. If she can't find anyone else to hang out with, I'll no doubt have some contact from her, but we will see I guess. I'm painted black now and the few times we have caught up have been her being critical parent towards me.

My goodness Parisian, what you just wrote, Its 99,99% what I experienced with my Ex gf. Amazing, its like I walked with your shoes and  other way around.

Take care, but, I really understand your point.

B.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I suppose she may reflect on us. The last 9 years we spent the week after Xmas leading up to NY going someplace after spending Xmas apart. If she had her sons (she was divorced and they alternated the kids' school break) then we were at her home and travelled in that area having a blast. If she didn't have them she came to my home and we spent time in the mountains playing in the snow, etc. I highly doubt that the new bf (I am a woman, my ex and I together 9.5 yrs after her divorce) will be able to afford taking her and her sons on some magic post-Xmas trip after buying them and his family gifts. Im only surmising this since I have no idea what her life is beyond her telling me she is "dating men." Still, not everyone has the time or finances to provide for that kind of life, and certainly not the men from where she lives.

I do know that she would send cards to former flames of hers. Why I don't know. One, a woman who won't even speak to her (the woman was gay, my ex fell hard for her while she was married to her former husband) gets a card or email every year. I never understood why my uBPDex would correspond with her when the woman wouldn't respond. I think now it was because my ex kept hoping she would.

I would be very surprised to hear from her. We have had very limited contact and only via email since August. I have, however, had 11 hangup calls from a restricted number since then, 3 since the first of December, but none in the last 1.5 weeks. She is probably too ashamed to get in touch, and well she should. In the words of Scarlett O'hara, "she should die from shame." We'll see. The year isn't over yet.