Relationship lengths to do with high functioning vs low functioning?

[Infern0]

After my interaction this year with a BPD waif on the lower functioning side of things,  I often marvel at how people end up in relationships that last for years.

My ex to my mind is simply not capable of holding herself together for more than a few weeks at a time.  She cheats on everyone she ends up with, triangulates constantly, acts out at work or doesnt show up, and just generally does whatever she can to destroy any stability in her life.

She's lower functioning with crippling depression,  eating disorder,  SI and so on.

Those who were in relationships over a year,  we're your partners high or low functioning?

[BorisAcusio]

After my interaction this year with a BPD waif on the lower functioning side of things,  I often marvel at how people end up in relationships that last for years.

My ex to my mind is simply not capable of holding herself together for more than a few weeks at a time.  She cheats on everyone she ends up with, triangulates constantly, acts out at work or doesnt show up, and just generally does whatever she can to destroy any stability in her life.

She's lower functioning with crippling depression,  eating disorder,  SI and so on.

Those who were in relationships over a year,  we're your partners high or low functioning?

What does a borderline look for in the first place? Protection and safety from the potentially harmful objects of the outside world. Basically, they want to be safely dependent and autonomous at the same time.

My ex's husband was providing stability, order and financial support without asking questions. She was low functioning, because the lack of education and her "conflicting" nature, she couldn't keep the available minimum wage jobs for long, while felt entitled for something more, so mostly stayed at home, and literally lived the life of a single woman, dating, taking men to the marital house while hubby was working. It happened right front of his eyes for years and still did not intervene or asked questions. She wasn't hold accountable for anything happening around her, no pointing fingers for the self-imposed failures. That is the perfect match for someone on the lower end of the functioning scale.

By the way, it lasted twelve years.

[parisian]

Hi Inferno, found this interesting discussion about high vs low, as written by someone with BPD:

“High-functioning borderlines act perfectly normal most of the time. Successful, outgoing, and well-liked, they may show their other side only to people they know very well. Although these BP's may feel the same way inside as their less-functional counterparts, they have covered it up very well-so well, in fact, that they may be strangers unto themselves. Non-BP's involved with this type of BP need to have their perceptions and feelings confirmed. Friends and family members who don't know the BP as well may not believe stories of rage and verbal abuse. Many non-BP's told us that even their therapists refused to believe them when they described the BP's out-of-control behavior.

I was with my high-functioning for 1.5 years. She was with the same partner for 10 years before that. She has a very well paying job, college educated, has two houses. I had 'known' her for 10 years before we had a relationship, and had no idea. All I saw was the 'successful, outgoing and well-liked' side of her.

1.5 years (with one recycle in the middle) was enough for me however. We didn't live together either. I could not have coped with that at all.

[Hawk Ridge]

My story is very similar to Parisian's.  We were together 1.5 years with a recycle in the middle she was a quiet acting in high function pwBPD.  We were together on weekends and vacations and even those times were too much for her.  Last year, in the middle of Christmas vacation, she sent me home.  Unpredictability was her hallmark.  Man, the Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde took a toll in my self-esteem as she was amazing with others and, the minute the door closed to the outside world so did her mood... .silence, degrading remarks, impatience, irritability.  It's been almost 9 months since she left and through making a list of what really happened, I am starting to come out of the fog.  I think, in some ways, the most painful thing about being with a quiet high functioning is the lack of validation as only the intimate partner sees it and it is so crazy making, we too become quiet because we can't describe it and no one believes it.  I remember, after she left, hearing a mutual friend talk about how together she is... .wow, spend some extended time behind closed doors and say that.   Just this am, I thought of her previous partner who she villified but I believe idealized avd wished to recycle with during our first break up.  I have begun to realize things might not have been as she reported.  Thank you for this thread. While missing her in this holiday season and reflecting the cruelty of last Christmas and the resulting shame that comes from invalidation, this helps. 

[Reforming]

It's very tempting to generalise, I do it so often myself that I also try and make a conscious effort to remember that BPD exists in a broad spectrum and that just like us, sufferers are unique individuals.

My relationship with my udBPDgf lasted almost 16 years.

I would describe my ex as very bright, and high performing in her work environment.

Her personal life was very different.

There was a huge amount of chaos and disorder and our relationship was punctuated by episodes of serious depression, violence, alcoholism and infidelity.

She was very secretive and though our family and friends knew that she struggled at times, they had no real idea of the extremity of her behaviour.

Early on she would be apologetic and contrite after the most extreme episodes, but over time she showed less and less remorse for her behaviour refusing to take any real responsibility for managing her mental health, her healing or the terrible damage that it did. Instead she increasingly blamed our relationship and ultimately me for our problems.

Her bipolar mother who was emotionally and physically unavailable for most of her childhood and a she was badly sexually abused from the age of seven until 13.

During our 16 years together she no real close friends apart from me and my sister. She kept all her work colleagues at distance apart from a married man who she had an affair with at the end.

Her relationships with her own family were unstable and prone to periods of intense conflict and anger

Despite all this she holds down a high powered job in a very competitive profession earning a large salary

Reforming

[clydegriffith]

You make a good point. Like you, i can not see how anyone involved with the BPDx can maintain a let's say 5+ year relationship with her. However, her M.O. is to keep having babies (she's got 5 now), so maybe the latest baby daddy will stick around longer. Kid or no kid i was not going to live like that.

[ShadowIntheNight]

My ex and I were together 9.5 yrs. She is a therapist, college-educated, and I would say for the most part high functioning. Having said that, if a building caught on fire, she would be the first one to panic. Stress? Forget it, her m.o. is to rage. If she doesn't like something she lets everyone know it. Even at work. They really like her a lot so they just handle her outbursts as being "quirky" I suppose. But if for some reason she gets it in her head that you can do something for her, she will charm the socks off you. She's told me too many stories of how she went up to the university president and let him know how wonderful he is and what she does and how she loves her job, etc.  then calls me on the way home telling me she hates counseling and as soon as she writes her best selling book, she's finished with the career that just gives her a living. She even asked the university CFO, a female, if she would be her mentor. I think the CFO realized my ex might be a tad batty. I don't think 46 year olds are looking for mentors, maybe advice, but not mentors. And she is always idealizing older women, to the point of fantasizing. But she left me because she just couldn't be gay. (Again, her words).

All of this is to say all of her actions in the time we were together did not equate to me being with someone with a mental health issue. She was the one helping others with their illnesses! She is undiagnosed, but after lengthy conversations with my T, it is clear something is deeply not right with my ex. Even if she isn't a full borderline, she definitely has many traits. Even right down to ending an almost 10 year relationship with a note in a birthday card she mailed me. Didn't even have the guts to talk to me, so I have no idea what set all of this off. For someone who is supposed to have it all together (her words when comparing herself to my other exes), that's pretty effed up... .

[Mercury2Pluto]

4 year marriage to high functioning partner.  She was remarkably intelligent, charming and successful.  Many friends.  Three graduate degrees.  I doubt that anyone would believe me if I described her private behavior.  Except this board of course    If I had heard about her behavior without witnessing it myself I probably would not have believed it.

The experience with that public / private persona disconnect has made me less likely to assume things about other people.  Sometimes I wonder which of the seemingly normal people around me actually have secret tragic personal lives. 

[Pingo]

Infern0, I don't know if mine was low or high functioning.  He was very perplexing.  We were together 4 yrs, married for 1.  He became disabled about 9 mths into our r/s and didn't work again until 3 weeks before we split up.  At first he was really disabled but then it became an excuse to prolong things.  He just didn't like his job.  So I ended up supporting him, waiting for him to get off his a$$.  So this would sound like a low-functioning kind of thing.  But then, he could give off a completely competent persona with people who didn't spend a great deal of time with him.  Some stress he could handle no problem.  For instance, we were in the middle of no where, miles from civilisation and he got two flat tires on the hottest day of the year.  I was so scared, we had my s10 and my dog with us.  He totally kept his cool, got the truck jacked, got out the patch kit, fixed the tires... .didn't show fear once.  Then other times he totally lost it over the most ridiculous thing, usually something I did 'wrong'.  There is no making sense of it.  I have given up trying.

[parisian]

4 year marriage to high functioning partner.  She was remarkably intelligent, charming and successful.  Many friends.  Three graduate degrees.  I doubt that anyone would believe me if I described her private behavior.  Except this board of course    If I had heard about her behavior without witnessing it myself I probably would not have believed it.

The experience with that public / private persona disconnect has made me less likely to assume things about other people.  Sometimes I wonder which of the seemingly normal people around me actually have secret tragic personal lives. 

Mercury, that comment about wondering which seemingly normal people have secret tragic lives made me a little bit. I have been hyper-vigilant about 'looking' for red flags everywhere of late. My T explains I will be like that for a little while, but (fortunately), it will settle with some time. Mine also multiple degrees including graduate qualifications, was very intelligent, bright, charming and successful. Her 'outwards' persona I think would make it very difficult for people to understand. I'm sure our high-functioning exBPD's put huge effort into deliberately creating their personas in that way - it's no accident they create their lives in that way. For high-functionings, BPD is very much a 'behind closed doors' illness.

[letmeout]

35 years married to my high functioning BPD ex. He was so charismatic he could charm the pants off of anyone he met. Behind closed doors was a different story; our children and I constantly saw the very bad side of him. 

After I let the cat out of the bag, all hell broke loose. Never underestimate the vengeful cruelty that comes out of a high functioning BPD after you expose the truth and their lies to those so cleverly fooled.

I had to run and hide for a year and I lost everything in the divorce. I often hear he is still on a smear campaign against me.

I just wanted people to know what he was and why I had to leave.

[Left broken and confused]

Let me out

I think it was worth the year of hiding to expose him 

[letmeout]

Yeah, he had it coming.

But I am really surprised at our adult children who think I should start talking to him again. After 3 years of no contact and peace and quiet, why would I want to hear his voice again?

The kids think I'm being silly not attending any events that he will be at. He has been wanting to talk to me and I will keep refusing. I have no desire to hear his voice.

[SlyQQ]

Definately low functioning no job drug addict an other stuff I am extremely recoursful an kept it together for ten years she was always trying to chip away at my boundaries an though i did a few things i regret I kept it together Part of the reason in the end I think she left is she gave up trying to " break me " before she left there were external factors as well I can remember sitting with her for four hours once in complete silence I knew there was no validating set or other technique i could use that would result in other than a " bad outcome " there are a hundred other things you can do other than outlined here but in the end its not worth trying to keep it going ( this might be different in hi functioning )

[SlyQQ]

P.S. in an out of hospital several times a year at the end one child together 8 at break up main reason i kept it together plus her children

[enlighten me]

One thing that makes it hard for me is the fact as brought up in this thread that it is only the people that get close to them who get to see behind the curtain. It is this thatmakes disconnecting more difficult as it shows that on some level they had real feelings for us.

[Xidion]

One thing that makes it hard for me is the fact as brought up in this thread that it is only the people that get close to them who get to see behind the curtain. It is this thatmakes disconnecting more difficult as it shows that on some level they had real feelings for us.

They fear engulfment. As we get closer, it triggers their fear of abandonment. It seems so messed up... But I truly believe that my ex loves me and that's why she left me. Part of me wants to believe that they leave us knowing that they love them, so that they don't ever have to see us fall out of them with them and leave THEM. Because that would hurt them even more then they already do.

[neverloveagain]

i was with my hi functioning waif for ten years, a lot of that was just down to the circumstances of where we were. i could well imagine her saying showtime before she answers the door to me.

[CloseToFreedom]

I think mine was between low and high functioning. Middle functioning BPD? 

She was 'okay' succesfull in her work. She had periods where things went good, but also periods where she wasn't that highly functioning. It didn't help that almost anyone that seemed to do something wrong in her eyes, was split black eventually. Managers at work, colleagues, friends... .almost all that dared to give some criticism to her, were split black eventually. Of course I had to hear how bad those persons were. In the beginning this irritated me, as I don't like to badmouth people that aren't there to hear it, but eventually I just didn't care anymore, as I was already glad it wasn't ME who was split black.

She held it together pretty well outside our home though. When she goes out, she's social, fun, always smiles. Same thing on pictures she takes, she's always smiling and seems to have fun. But when it was just us together at home, she almost NEVER smiled. She was sad, had to complain about stuff I did, etc. Sometimes, cracks would show to the outside world. Friends that came over for fun nights started to notice it sometimes as well, like she wasn't the happy going out person they used to know. But I guess now that she is gone and I'm split black, she won't show that side to anyone else for a while, instead being the fun, happy, going out person she wants everyone to see.

And yes its too bad the entire world doesn't get to see how she really is. I've lasted 4,5 years, but we've been seperated 10 times or so. Her mother knows she isn't an easy person. In the beginning of the relationship her mother probably thought I was always to blame, but towards the end she often stood up for me instead of her own daughter.

[Elpis]

I always win in the "slowest learner" category!

38 years--my uBPDh is a very high-functioning guy, well regarded in his line of work, great leadership skills at work, willing to do whatever it takes to get his way including "emotional blackmail" which means if someone disagrees with him or makes his life hard he's willing to beat them up emotionally and make their life hard until they cry uncle.

Oh wait--he did that at home too. But he was so well regarded at our church too, he did so much and contributed so much and really was great support for others, so I always thought I was just too screwed up to understand him right.

The turtle tattoo is coming in January! First one at age 61, the humble turtle to show what a slow learner I have been!

[NonAverageJoe]

About June 2012 to November 2014 I tried to leave her numerous times and failed.

Towards the end I was enforcing my boundaries more and more. I've been told this means war to high functioning queen /hermit/witch types she fluctuated hard and eventually expressed extreme narcissistic traits.

I feel safe now but I fluctuate through the detachment process.

[Hadlee]

One thing that makes it hard for me is the fact as brought up in this thread that it is only the people that get close to them who get to see behind the curtain. It is this that makes disconnecting more difficult as it shows that on some level they had real feelings for us.

I have also struggled with this as well, enlighten me.

My BPDx BFF and I work for the same company.  She is a manager.  No-one at works knows who is really behind the mask.  Her performance at work has never been consistently great, but this year has been worse.  Management and her staff have lost respect for her as she takes a lot of time off sick, takes no responsibility for anything, and does not support her staff.  She only recently broke up with her long term bf, so a lot of her absences, depression, anxiety and angry mood was blamed on him.  Interesting to note... .nothing has changed with her mood or performance since the split!  People that work closely with her put her behavior down to attention seeking and the toxic relationship she was in (little do they know she is the toxic one, not her ex).  

She has managed to fool a new group of people that are believing all her stories and giving her the attention she craves.

Even though some people realize she's not quite right, I don't think they would ever believe my experience with her if I told them.  :)amn, it took me a long time to put the pieces together and realize it isn't me who is the crazy one

[Hope0807]

Good post Infern0.  My uBPD/ASPDexH was somewhere in the middle.  He had a good paying job in the blue collar field.  He was diligent about showing up early and seemed to have a solid work ethic.  "SEEMED" was the operative word.  He didn't pay bills, drove a piece of garbage vehicle (because the one before was repossessed), bought new clothes instead of doing laundry, did not maintain his home or vehicles in even the smallest of ways unless there was an emergency or something he would gain out of tending to it…raged and raged and raged at work and about work, and then went out on with an injury and collected workman's comp.  I felt like I was living with a magician.  He was charismatic, warm, and incredibly competent and giving to everyone "outside" the home.  Inside the home, if he brushed his teeth before bed I was impressed.  In time I felt like I was living with a teenager with disabilities.  In reality, that's actually a pretty accurate description of the stunted personality disordered.

These things and so many more were not all obvious, but showed little by little, then faster and faster, louder and louder.  I honestly can't even believe mine is functioning ("seems" to be) so well according to what friends say he's posting on social media. 

[Faith1520]

1.5 yr and he was high functioning.

Hard working and determined. Always wanting to be better (in school, relationships not so much) He shined bright around my family and friends or acquaintances. Yet he had no friends of his own and wasn't close with his family. I was the only one who saw the dark side.

[Hope0807]

The same was true for me, but for years longer.  I tried and threatened to leave my uBPD/ASPDexH so many times.  He reeled me back in with heavy tears, promises galore, and enormous insight into his "issues" he admitted were a problem long before me and were long overdue for proper "help".

In hindsight and equipped with knowledge I continue to smh about, I fully realize my ex leaned heavily toward and is most certainly a Psychopath, all of which demonstrate many of the same symptoms that BPD does.  Mine was a master of manipulation and deceit.  He crashed through my boundaries and toward the end, like you NonAverageJoe, he reared up like a DEMON in WAR when I enforced my boundaries even more.  The fluctuation between extreme narcissism and self deprecation was disgusting at best.

My ex was simply "functioning" - completely "low" behind closed doors with me, and perhaps "high" functioning to the world now, since he has a business and social media following that I built for him.

sighhhhhh.

About June 2012 to November 2014 I tried to leave her numerous times and failed.

Towards the end I was enforcing my boundaries more and more. I've been told this means war to high functioning queen /hermit/witch types she fluctuated hard and eventually expressed extreme narcissistic traits.

I feel safe now but I fluctuate through the detachment process.

[Elpis]

About June 2012 to November 2014 I tried to leave her numerous times and failed.

Towards the end I was enforcing my boundaries more and more. I've been told this means war to high functioning queen /hermit/witch types she fluctuated hard and eventually expressed extreme narcissistic traits.

I feel safe now but I fluctuate through the detachment process.

ACK! that enforcing of boundaries was my undoing as well--what I think happened was that as long as I was being what he needed, somebody to take care of him and put up with being The Lesser and being his sounding board for the yelling etc. we could have a "relationship." Once I started saying "wait a minute! i'm a smart girl! I have a lot to offer! And he treats me like sh!t!" and started having boundaries I wouldn't let him cross, it all went crazy. It was like i'd issued an invitation for him to use the battering ram on my boundaries.

That's when it got too ugly and I chose to leave while he was only physically threatening but not worse.

I think most of us fluctuate through the detachment process. We remember something good and start to be swayed, then remember the bigger issues and keep moving forward. It's just part of it, but we'll all make it!

[Hope0807]

Good to hear from you and I tip my hat to you after your 35 years.  I assume yours was diagnosed?  If so, when was he diagnosed?  Mine too was/is extremely charming and I hate that I too feel like I'm hiding and may be for some time to come.  Have gone as far as getting a PO Box.  Also can't see myself going back on social media anytime soon.

35 years married to my high functioning BPD ex. He was so charismatic he could charm the pants off of anyone he met. Behind closed doors was a different story; our children and I constantly saw the very bad side of him. 

After I let the cat out of the bag, all hell broke loose. Never underestimate the vengeful cruelty that comes out of a high functioning BPD after you expose the truth and their lies to those so cleverly fooled.

I had to run and hide for a year and I lost everything in the divorce. I often hear he is still on a smear campaign against me.

I just wanted people to know what he was and why I had to leave.

[Wastedyears25]

For 24 years he was high functioning only those close knew the real him. Outwardly he was funny, outgoing and happy. At home he was angry and quite or angry and raging, nothing made him happy. Over the years his behavior got worse and worse. Even when he left 6 years ago he remained high functioning. Fast forward 5.5 years after a recycle I left him, he is low functioning, he has not worked in almost 4 months, hardly leaves the house according to our son. He sleeps, watches TV and smokes weed all day everyday while on a plethora of psychiatric meds. This was a man that rarely missed a day of work in the 24 years we were together.

He had nothing to do with his mom's side of the family and sporadic contact with his dad. He had 1 long time friend that he cut off contact with shortly after I moved out when the friend told uBPDstbxh that he understood why I left.

[Hope0807]

Hi Faith1520,

I'm so glad to hear you got out after only 1.5yr.  May I ask how you find yourself here on this board and how long you've been here?  I'm always curious to learn how people progress from this most unfortunate place that we're all grateful to have:)

1.5 yr and he was high functioning.

Hard working and determined. Always wanting to be better (in school, relationships not so much) He shined bright around my family and friends or acquaintances. Yet he had no friends of his own and wasn't close with his family. I was the only one who saw the dark side.

[letmeout]

20 yrs ago I took my ex to a psychologist, whereupon my ex displayed all of his BPD traits including raging! The Dr sent him to the waiting room and told me to never bring my BPD back to his office again. He said you can't help someone like that, and suggested I leave him to save myself. I should have listened, but I hung in there for many more years. I should have taken the Dr's advice!

Good to hear from you and I tip my hat to you after your 35 years.  I assume yours was diagnosed?  If so, when was he diagnosed?  Mine too was/is extremely charming and I hate that I too feel like I'm hiding and may be for some time to come.  Have gone as far as getting a PO Box.  Also can't see myself going back on social media anytime soon.