Won't friend me on Facebook question?

[Beach_Babe]

I am not sure where to put this.

My bf has had me blocked on there for the last 8 months. The other day he unblocked because he wanted me to send something in a private message... .turns out the only way to view the post though was if he became my friend on there again. He freaked out and asked for a screenshot instead. I refused and told him I was not going to fly out to see him for the holidays if he did not add me back. He promised to the next day.

The next day he put up a stink and again refused. He said it was because he added me many times in the past and each time Id remove him (true, I did remove him a few times after I caught him cheating)  but the last 2 he removed me for some trivial reason. We have always added each other back. This time, however, he said no because I hurt him too much when id removed him in the past and my behavior was "beyond redemption." Am I wrong to think 1) there is something on there he does not want me to see and/or 2) he has trashed me so badly to people there is no way he could add me back without looking like a fool?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[enlighten me]

Sounds about right. He probably doesnt want you to see what he is up to and has probably trashed you so his feiends will find it odd if he friends you again.

[Beach_Babe]

Would you fly out 2000 miles to see someone in this situation? He says I am being unreasonable. My brain is scrambled eggs at this point don't know what to think.

Id like to add this man has 800+ "friends" on there and adds everyone and their brother. He has also demanded I remove one of our mutual friends. If he wont add me back why should I?

[Beach_Babe]

This is the reason he has currently withdrawn and gone NC. I feel it is my fault as I went nuts on him and then blocked his phone number (not that he notices anyway). Should I apologize again for my behavior? Maybe I am being unreasonable. Please help.

How could I have handled the situation better?

[Ripped Heart]

Facebook is the root of all evil when it comes to relationships.

I don't tend to use it too much, with the exception of keeping in touch with family and a few friends that have moved around over the years. I would assume his reasoning for not wanting to accept has been highlighted below. If it is the case, it puts him in a dilemma if there are other people involved, either removing posts that will raise any suspicion for you but at the same time raises suspicion to them or he would look foolish accepting if he has been trash talking you to everyone he possibly can.

What is unclear in your post is who can't see what. You mention that he wanted to send you something in a PM but then stated that he freaked out and asked for a screenshot instead.

As for flying out to see him, I've been in that very same spot and in my experience it went well for the duration of the trip, not so much when I got home again. It's a big ask of you especially with what has been going on, both financially and emotionally so you should only be prepared to go if you are ready for it.

[Mutt]

Am I wrong to think 1) there is something on there he does not want me to see and/or 2) he has trashed me so badly to people there is no way he could add me back without looking like a fool?

It's possible and I think your answer lies here:

"My bf has had me blocked on there for the last 8 months"

"He freaked out and asked for a screenshot instead"

"The next day he put up a stink and again refused"

"he said no because I hurt him too much when id removed him in the past and my behavior was "beyond redemption."

If we look at the bolded parts. Not very nice things? I think this is indicative of splitting.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism with a pwBPD. It protects the individual from anxiety and stress. It's a maladaptive coping skill.

A pwBPD have difficulties distinguishing the "grey" areas in life and in people. You are either in one or two camps "all good" or "all bad". Or you are "overvalued" or "undervalued"

You are split black and your ex sees you as all bad. It's not personal to you, it's how his mind interprets and copes with stress. To answer your question, I think it could be a combination of both and more likely because you are split black.

I'll give an example from my personal experience. My ex left 2 years ago and feels much shame and guilt. In her mind she views me as all bad. Granted there are times were she does treat me nicely and I'm careful here. My ex has dominant Queen / Witch subtype roles and Dr. Lawson' book "Understanding The Borderline Mother" states be careful receiving gifts when the Queen is nice, she may want something in return. Often, my ex is nice and wanting something in return.

I have been blocked on social media for 24 months and I am still split black.

To answer your question about Facebook. I often witnessed my ex blocking my SD's dad her SM and her friends and found it peculiar. I did not know about BPD in my marriage. That being said, I think this was based on how she was coping and if they where split white or black. She would avoid or say bad things about them and block and then unblock when they were back on a white split.

Splitting is not something I can control or my ex can control. It's a BPD defense mechanism. I hope that helps.

[Beach_Babe]

What is unclear in your post is who can't see what. You mention that he wanted to send you something in a PM but then stated that he freaked out and asked for a screenshot

He unblocked me to show him a post a friend had tagged me on. Since it is not a mutual friend he could not see it unless he added me back as a friend. He asked me to send it as a PM instead. I could not. He said he'd add me the next day then changed his mind.

Mutt: do they split only when they have replaced you?

[Mutt]

Mutt: do they split only when they have replaced you?

You know him best. I was split good and bad in my relationship. The length varied and this has been the longest I have been split bad. This is based on her feelings and I'm indifferent to her behavior. I know what qualities I own good and bad.

Sakudaira, this often happens with somebody with BPD.  Children of BPD moms mention this phenomena often:  One child is "good" (the white child), one is "bad" (the black child).  Sometimes the good/bad roles switch, but sometimes someone is good or bad all through their relationship with the BPD.  

Not all with BPD split in this way, but it is very typical.  

Sometimes a BPD spouse will split a child "good" and the other parent "bad".  

[Cole]

Facebook is the root of all evil when it comes to relationships.

Amen. A needy BPD can get is some serious trouble on FB, especially with the opposite sex. I have been down that road several times with my wife.

[Beach_Babe]

He also refused to even respond to a single message on there when unblocked. It made me feel like I wasn't even a person. No friending, no acknowledgement. When I'd call him the phone was blocked (or if he did answer was cold and angry). I got so upset I ended up blocking facebook and then profusely apologized  for even asking. He said ok, calmed down then went silent. Now he's no longer angry, but will "call you tomorrow" which never happens... .

Why does forgiveness only go one way?

[Grey Kitty]

I got the crap he's pulling on FB. It sounds like it is just an extension of his behavior in other ways of communicating with you too... .nothing special about FB other than different blocking options.

As for forgiveness... .I see forgiveness as a process where I let go of the baggage I'm giving them in my head... .something I do for myself.

For a pwBPD, that kind of forgiveness may well be beyond their capacity, emotionally.

Painting somebody white and forgetting that they did anything bad, then painting them black and forgetting they ever did anything good... .and back... .and forth... .isn't true forgiveness.

[Beach_Babe]

So true about forgiveness, Grey Kitty. I am not there yet, however.

This is the 5th failed attempt to see him in two months. I have caught him in horrible lies

Yep, more than anything I am mad at myself.

[Skip]

You can't know and I don't know if going down this track helps... . 

Am I wrong to think 1) there is something on there he does not want me to see and/or

2) he has trashed me so badly to people there is no way he could add me back without looking like a fool?

What you do know is that there is great instability in the relationship right now.

He blames me for everything wrong in his life. Just as I am about to leave, he  treats me well again but it never lasts long. He moved back home some years ago to take care of his ailing mom. So we have been long distance, with frequent phone calls, and in person visits. I would not say I was going to marry this person, but I certainly enjoyed the company. He has always had his quirks but something has changed over the past year which has escalated the idealize/devalue (but never completely "discard". He blames this on the deteriorating health of his mom, which is true, but I have also caught him in some other pretty horrible lies. We have been trying to arrange a get together for two months now. We plan a date and then a week or so before he starts withdrawing, avoiding me and blocking my phone/text The only communication allowed is email and its sporadic. When I do talk to him he is cold and cruel. I have tried to explain this behavior makes me afraid to fly out 2000 miles but he continues until I freak out and cancel the ticket (4 times now). Then insists I canceled, not him and what is my problem he loves and wants me there. He is sweeter than pie the day I cancel and insists on "trying again" and we make new plans. Rinse, repeat.

If you go, history tells you it might be a good visit or it could also go bad.

Would you go knowing the coordination hassles will continue but finally settle, you will visit and it has a 50% chance of being a good trip, and when you return you will be treated badly again?

Is this the real question?

[Beach_Babe]

He just spent a week here with me in May, Skip and it was a great visit despite a few bumps. It was to make up for last Christmas when we made plans, I bought a plane ticket and then said his mom had to be hospitalized for an emergency procedure. I found out through mutual friends he really had taken his mom to Florida for vacation. He also bailed on another weekend trip last January. I finally got to come out a month later but he still left me home alone as he refused to take off work (or even go in late/leave early). He also later complained because of me he missed a concert. May however was fantastic as we're the past dozen years, give or take a few bumps.

I think the real question, given Facebook behavior I have never seen before ( and the resoluteness of his "no" is: have I finally reached the phase of discard? Yes he keeps me around,  but only it appears now as a last resort backup. He denies this, but actions speak louder than words right? Prior to the past year, he had always kept his word.

Is there even a point of going (or even trying) anymore? Have we reached the end? I refuse to stay around only "on call" and  as a last resort. Too hurtful  

Should I consider leaving him alone for a month or two, say, as he appears disinterested now? I don't want to force myself on him? I want to keep him in my life, but it takes two to make even a friendship. Do I really belong on the leaving board?    It's not my choice. I want to stay.

[patientandclear]

BB, I don't know that you need to look beyond his words for the explanation: he is dragging around a lot of accumulated past hurt and rejection and related fears, stemming from your pas efforts to protect yourself emotionally. It's a vicious cycle. I don't think he needs to be concealing anything. He could genuinely feel too exposed to rejection if he "re-friends" you on FB.

When each person's defense against past rejection at the hands of the other interlock, it's tough to get out of that downward spiral. He feels hurt, you feel hurt, thus you are both still taking steps that hurt the other.

[Beach_Babe]

So how can I fix this? I don't want to be backup or a secret pleasure?

[Ripped Heart]

Beach_Babe, you can only fix yourself.

It may be that once you start to heal and gain strength that you decide you are worth far more. It may be that a healthier stronger you frightens him into doing something about the r/s.

From your posts, you sound to be in a similar position to a number of us on here. The sad truth about abuse or being walked over is that as long as we allow it to happen, it will continue to happen. Establishing clear boundaries of what you find acceptable and what you don't is key here.

Those who love, care and respect us will respect our boundaries and that's what you have to look inside and ask yourself.

You deserve a life of happiness, and you deserve to have someone in your life who respects you. Happiness comes from within so the big question to ask yourself is whether you believe your bf has that level of respect for you as an individual.

First and foremost, the best way of resolving an issue is to look within yourself.

[Beach_Babe]

I don't think he does RH. The Facebook thing really is a deal breaker it upsets me so much. I can stay it seems only if I can accept being sloppy seconds.

[123Phoebe]

I don't think he does RH. The Facebook thing really is a deal breaker it upsets me so much. I can stay it seems only if I can accept being sloppy seconds.

I don't know how old you are Beach_Babe and it doesn't really matter; I remember the days of not even having answering machines or call-waiting  You'd actually get a busy signal!  Wow, how real is that?  The person you're trying to get in touch with is busy.  And you know what?  Life was much simpler then, not only that, but much more real, imo.  This is no offense to you, in general though, I just can't believe how many relationship issues arise as a result of something that happened over FB.  What's up with that?

I'm not on FB and have no intention of ever being.  There are too many things going on in the here and now that need and are worthy of my attention, than to become stressed over what somebody is doing, might do or has done over FB.

If you were to eliminate even the thought of FB as being a medium for connection to him, where would that leave your relationship?  Not because he won't friend you, but because you don't have time for becoming wrapped up in shenanigans; there are much more important things going on in the here and now.

Feeling like sloppy seconds must be horrible

Take "you" seriously!  I wouldn't even entertain the thought of being sloppy seconds, no way.  Put your well-being first!  And not at the expense of his... .

What would that look like?  Feel like?  Sound like?