The new guy: is there real evidence that he will receive the same treatment?

[mimmo]

Hello everybody

How we can be sure that the next guy will suffer like us?

My ex wife was BPD . Right now she is with a new guy since 18 months. She left me very very  fast after I discover the relationship with a colleague of her

I was in abusive relationship over 13 years. However, the First two years were fantastic

I saw here in the forum that they cannot change their behaviors

Yes but... .I heard nothing that confirm this things

I mean, are there evidences that it really hapen?  Somebody here can whitness that the next guy will be in in the same our situation?

I am partially aware that this is a stupid question but without a real evidence  I  am thinking  that I was the crazy one

Sorry for my bad English

Mimmo

[enlighten me]

I can personally verifu it happens.

my ex wife who I was with for fourteen years is doing the same to her new husband as she did to me. She was even going to leave him the day after her wedding.

I know what is going on as I am friends with her mum and she has said the same thing is going on that happened with me.

My exgf is in her second relationship since we split up in may. From what she told me of her ex husband I can tell she treated him how I ended up being treated. I am willing to bet my house on the fact that her new guy will end up being treated as I was.

[peiper]

I will guarantee it. Mine has already had a breakup with my replacement. The illness always rises to the surface no matter whom they are with.

[Skip]

I can personally verify it happens.

I will guarantee it.

Those are strong opinions, men.

How we can be sure that the next guy will suffer like us?

The next guy may not suffer any where near how you suffered - even if she treats him the same way she treated you.  The suffering has a lot to do with us, too.

Don't look to this for comfort or healing - its a foundation built on ice.

She will always have her personality style and so will you.  These relationships struggles are built on the merger of these styles.  With another person, it will be a different relationship.

Yes, she will still be difficult.  The other party may handle it better or worse.  The outcome will be its own unique product.

[enlighten me]

Hi skip

I was just answering the question about the next guy. As I personally know the next guy is being treated the same way I was I feel justified with how strong my opinion is.

I realise that I had an input into my failed relationship but I believe that my Input only altered the time the relationship lasted and not the final outcome.

Yes there may be a perfect match but as far as my ex wife is concerned it was me. She has told her mum this and how she regrets breaking up with me. Maybe they can find someone and it work but in the end the dissorder always wins unless it is treated.

[Aussie JJ]

Peiper,

My ex's mother and father have been together for 40+ years.  'Happily' married.  She has BPD, her daughters both learnt the behaviours from her.  The father has some VERY strong narc traits mixed in with a little bit of psychopath.  

Thing is before him there would have been another relationship.  Why did theirs work... .

I'm putting my money on each and every person is unique in their own individual ways.  No two will ever be the same, might be a long blissful union that is impossible for anyone else.  I'm going with we just don't know, what we do know is it didn't work for us, we didn't work together in a healthy way with our partners.  


AJJ.  

[Hawk Ridge]

I agree with Mutt on this.  I have driven myself crazy with confusion why she is still with my replacement when she left me the first time after 5 months before we recycled and then again 9 months later.  She has been with my replacement for almost 7 months and, when I let it, it kills me.  The truth is we all have variable levels of tolerance as do our replacements.  Heck, I should have left much earlier.  She became asexual and graced me with the silent treatment at 3 months.  When she took me back (yes, look at that subserviant attitude on my part) after 3 weeks during our first breakup, she cycled again 3 months later.  Again, months of silent treatment, ridicule, canceling plans, treating me like an object, physically moving me (i am much smaller and shorter than her), all to the point where my hands would shake and I was a nervous wreck.  I am an accomplished well respected professional.  :)id I leave? No.  Someone with a stronger spine would have left months earlier but I thought I could be the strong one to ride out the winter and her depression for us.  Summer would come (cue butterflies and faeries singing songs of joy :-D).  The reality is most people wouldn't have endured it that long.  By all accounts, it appears my replacement is even more codependent than I was (I am working my butt off on this in therapy now).  So... .the point is, it's up to who the players are.  My expwBPD was with her previous partner 5 years and the one before for 7.  She was asexual with the 7 year r/s for last 5 years of their r/s.  Who knows with the other one and frankly, who knows what the truth is.  For me, and it had been such a painful struggle to get to this point, I can't continue to sit and wait for them to break up.  It's not good for my spirit as I continue to wish she would treat my replacement the same way and discard my replacement in the same way.  I am trying, and some days are better than others, to move on... .slowly and surely, but move on.  You alone will know what works for you.  When I first got on these boards, I was told to run.  That is not helpful.  It's a process of working through the grief and knowing what is best for you.  In the meantime, we're all here for each other... .our own unique yet understanding sounding board.

[Infern0]

Mine cheated on my replacement,  with me.

So it seems likely.

[Hawk Ridge]

Ooops... .i meant Skip, not Mutt

[Ripped Heart]

I'm sorry but I'm in Skips corner on this one. The only person we have control over is ourselves and that extends to pwBPD too.

Sure, something may trigger them and your replacements might find yourself in a similiar situation to you but it does depend on the individual.

My gf has quite the history of repeated behaviours with partners following the breakup of her long term relationship. Some of them have run for the hills as soon as the behaviour has started, others turned nasty and violent towards her, some have called her crazy or "on drugs" simply because most haven't taken the time to understand the situation.

I have my own issues that I'm working through which has kept me in this relationship. To be honest, there are far more good times than bad but when the bad ones come, they come out of nowhere without any warning and hurt all the same. I see the pain in her eyes because I know it cannot be easy for her and some of the times she has run, she has even stated it's because she is being unfair to me but can't control what is going on. My frustration is around the fact that she is self aware and knows there are options out there but chooses not to investigate them. Because of who I am as a person and my lack of boundaries, I make a perfect vessel for that abuse knowing that I won't abandon her.

It's down to me how I deal with it, whether I say enough is enough and walk away or try and understand more about her condition and work to be in sync with her to help her through these moments. It's not her choice and only I have control over my own actions.

So to answer the question - Yes, once triggered, the replacement will see a lot of the same behaviours. As to how they are treated depends on how they deal with the situation, how strong their boundaries are and whether they are willing to put the time and effort in. Despite all that, no matter what you do, sometimes the outcome is almost always the same.

I've said on a previous post my ex-wife was BPD/NPD and my gf is BPD. However, they are so very different people. gf is self aware of her situation, ex-wife believed she was perfect and everybody else was the issue. I could probably count on 1 hand the good times with exBPDw, it's reversed with BPDgf. I have more tolerance for gf because she can actually take some level of responsibility and apologise when she has been nasty, exBPDw would beat you down mentally until YOU apologised for the way she was feeling and then punish you after the admission because you admitted you were wrong. Gf likes that I have a life and wants to take part in things I do, exBPDw hated the fact I had a life and wanted to control every aspect of it.

Just as we are very different people, so are our pwBPD. It's not an identical condition where they all act the same way, life circumstances play a part too.

[no_ordinary]

Mine cheated on my replacement,  with me.

So it seems likely.

mine too, with me... .9 months after our breakup, she is already in the second relationship... .another love of her life 

[peiper]

Peiper,

My ex's mother and father have been together for 40+ years.  'Happily' married.  She has BPD, her daughters both learnt the behaviours from her.  The father has some VERY strong narc traits mixed in with a little bit of psychopath.  

Thing is before him there would have been another relationship.  Why did theirs work... .

I'm putting my money on each and every person is unique in their own individual ways.  No two will ever be the same, might be a long blissful union that is impossible for anyone else.  I'm going with we just don't know, what we do know is it didn't work for us, we didn't work together in a healthy way with our partners.  


AJJ.  

Hi Aussie, from experience I know mine will never be happy long term and be making her partner miserable. Three failed marriages,  many failed relationships. Never her fault. And now my replacement is gone, either he ran or she split him. The past repeats itself. I'm sure there are a few rare exceptions. But this last relationship of hers I could have set my watch by.

[clydegriffith]

It's a cycle that goes full circle regardless of who the person is.

The BPD woman i was involved with did the guy before me pretty dirty and she topped herself off with what she did to me. She's had 4 or 5 replacements since me but none of them, until the latest, has been for very long. She will undoubtedly end up doing something horrible to this man.

[peiper]

It's a cycle that goes full circle regardless of who the person is.

The BPD woman i was involved with did the guy before me pretty dirty and she topped herself off with what she did to me. She's had 4 or 5 replacements since me but none of them, until the latest, has been for very long. She will undoubtedly end up doing something horrible to this man.

It does go full circle. Months ago I was talking to my T, I was still in the FOG and blaming myself for not doing more to save the marriage. He said it wasn't my fault and he could prove it. He said well your relationship started going bad at three months so watch, her new masturbation tool will be gone by four. Bingo he was right.

It's a cycle that goes full circle regardless of who the person is.

The BPD woman i was involved with did the guy before me pretty dirty and she topped herself off with what she did to me. She's had 4 or 5 replacements since me but none of them, until the latest, has been for very long. She will undoubtedly end up doing something horrible to this man.

[TheDude]

Yeah, the only 'evidence' of this kind of thing is anecdotal.

That said, there's a lot of folks here who were the replacements themselves at one point, myself included. Sometimes I think it's less painful to think that I was the special exception to the rule, but the reality is I was probably just another stop on her way. Even so, I was the greatest guy on the planet once. Superman. I got a couple of years out of that, but that smooth sailing turned into 7 years (and counting) of stuff I wouldn't wish on a worst enemy. New guy is over the moon, too. I figure he's probably got less than a year till his ship runs aground.

Poor sap.

[Infern0]

It needs to be understood too that if your BPD next relationship lasts longer it doesn't mean much.

If mine makes it to the end of January then she's lasted longer in this one than in ours.

Do I take that as some kind of "failure"?

No

She's already witholding sex, isolating,  put him into depression, cheated,  triangulated, the list goes on.

The difference is her new guy begs, pleads, grovels,  apologizes for things he hasnt done, pours all of his money into her and so on. I honestly think that dude will end up in the asylum or worse.

Does that mean he's "better" , obviously not,  he's not making it work is he,  he's just too dependant to fight back like I did

[clydegriffith]

It needs to be understood too that if your BPD next relationship lasts longer it doesn't mean much.

If mine makes it to the end of January then she's lasted longer in this one than in ours.

Do I take that as some kind of "failure"?

No

She's already witholding sex, isolating,  put him into depression, cheated,  triangulated, the list goes on.

The difference is her new guy begs, pleads, grovels,  apologizes for things he hasnt done, pours all of his money into her and so on. I honestly think that dude will end up in the asylum or worse.

Does that mean he's "better" , obviously not,  he's not making it work is he,  he's just too dependant to fight back like I did

This is very true. Many things can vary the length of the next relationship. The next person may be even more of a pushover than you were or may just be totally in the dark/denial about things like cheating. It also depends on what kind of BPD you are involved with. Some guys can put up with a lot of the craziness but not cheating. If the BPD woman i was involved with had not cheated on me in the disgusting manner that she did i would have probably still been with her, enduring the rages and everything else.

[fred6]

I can personally verify it happens.

I will guarantee it.

Those are strong opinions, men.

How we can be sure that the next guy will suffer like us?

The next guy may not suffer any where near how you suffered - even if she treats him the same way she treated you.  The suffering has a lot to do with us, too.

Don't look to this for comfort or healing - its a foundation built on ice.

She will always have her personality style and so will you.  These relationships struggles are built on the merger of these styles.  With another person, it will be a different relationship.

Yes, she will still be difficult.  The other party may handle it better or worse.  The outcome will be its own unique product.

I'll have to echo Skip's sentiments here to a point. There is really no way of knowing how the relationship with replacement will turn out. I think the majority of them will end in a similar fashion that our relationship ended. But a good majority of our ex's are undiagnosed and may not actually be BPD.

The replacement could be a much better fit than we were for our ex partners. There are just too many variables and dynamics at play to predict the outcome. I'm as guilty as anyone here with this line of thinking about my ex's new relationship crashing and burning. I know it would validate me and ease much of the pain. But, is this something that we should even be concerned with? Is it healthy to obsess about? In the end, it's her problem, not mine. Most people don't change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. It will play out how it plays out and my journey shouldn't be dependent on her journey.

[Blimblam]

Every relationship is going to be different. 

Havnt you ever seen those guys that will maybe give a present and say the right things but there is no real meaning behind it. They go through the motions and they are playing a game.  Those guys tend to not get hurt so bad becuase they never attach.

Also a pwBPD are not always the same and may be in a different place in themself and throw off more obvious red flags that guys pick up on so they don't attach. 

[Xidion]

Well, my exBPD was with a guy for 6 months, recycled him and was together for 3 years. I was his replacement. We were together for 20 months, now she is with someone new. She started her drama with me about 5 or 6 months in.  I'm codependent so I apologized for things I didn't do and out up with a lot of crap. I talked to her ex before me, he put up with a lot of crap as well. I will say this. Does it really matter how long they are together or do we know? No. But what we do know is that it will be hell on earth for the replacement once the honeymoon phase is gone. Who wants to deal with that for any long period of time? I thought I would endure any thing at one time, but not anymore. We deserve someone capable of returning the love we give.

[ScotisGone74]

In response to some of the earlier postings-yes, earch relationship is different and will be a vessel unto itself.    But when you say it could "workout out" with a different person I cant say that it would be totally impossible, but lets face it, highly unlikely.    A BPD wont change when they are able to do whatever soothes them and makes them feel good, and whoring around, manipulating others, and crazy making behaviors do that for them.       Could a person with malignant brain cancer live another 20 years?    Maybe , but without real treatment theyd have just as good a chance at winning the powerball jackpot.

[Infern0]

In response to some of the earlier postings-yes, earch relationship is different and will be a vessel unto itself.    But when you say it could "workout out" with a different person I cant say that it would be totally impossible, but lets face it, highly unlikely.    A BPD wont change when they are able to do whatever soothes them and makes them feel good, and whoring around, manipulating others, and crazy making behaviors do that for them.       Could a person with malignant brain cancer live another 20 years?    Maybe , but without real treatment theyd have just as good a chance at winning the powerball jackpot.

The moment the penny dropped for me was that I realised she TRULY didn't see what she was doing.  She actually BELIVED her own lies.

Truly.

Even today,  someone revealed to me that she has been trying to convince my replacement that he is mentally ill and needs to get help. There's nothing wrong with him he's just fogged out and she's been telling him to go to a psychologist because she thinks he's schizophrenic and he's started to belive her.

Maybe other pwBPD will find "happiness" but not her,  no way.

[Splitblack4good]

Every relationship is going to be different.  

Havnt you ever seen those guys that will maybe give a present and say the right things but there is no real meaning behind it. They go through the motions and they are playing a game.  Those guys tend to not get hurt so bad becuase they never attach.

Also a pwBPD are not always the same and may be in a different place in themself and throw off more obvious red flags that guys pick up on so they don't attach.  

My ex was waving red flags from the start !id known her as a freind nearly 5 years before we got together she  Told me she loved me 4 weeks in but also at the same time told me she loved me 5 years ago so she had in fact loved me since the day we met ! Asked me to move in at 3 moths and marry her at 4 months . I was hesitant at all of those things and made sure I slowed things down so I didn't attach that quickly she hated that fact . So I guess I had healthy boundaries but that still didn't stop the end result . She is now with my replacement as I write this I truly beleive ther relaitionship will go a year as he is very similar personality as me .

My ex attached to my replacement extreamly quickly putting pics of them on FB instantly and status etc I beleive he's living with her after only 6 weeks however that's mainly down to the fact he came out of prison a week before they met and he was homeless so he's going with the flow and she runs around after him and he's jobless so he's always around her . From what I can make out he's just going with the flow ! And isn't to fussed really and laid back . Ther is no pics of them on his FB nothing ! He doesn't even talk about her to freinds etc and they are arguing already I don't think he will tolerate her crap as he is not co dependent he's more of a take each day as it comes survivor .

So it will be interesting to see how long it does last.

[Blimblam]

Yeah who knows. My ex had numerous replacements after me she sorting played the field. She became fairly histrionic after me.  She was sort of trying to recycle me but it seemed

More like place holder.  She was dropping the names of a few other guys and it was like I felt used like a commodity. She was bragging about how she had some of those guys whipped but they would never get to hit it.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

My BPD mother married her perfect match after separating from my father over 20 years ago.  They are still together and married. So isn't this an example that it can work out for them? No! Right now she is sleeping with an older man who wants her to leave her husband and live with him.  She has confided to my sister that she can't do this because she doesn't fancy the older man.  Doesn't fancy the older man she is sleeping with!

Trust me - I grew up with the disorder in my parents.  The replacement gets it just as bad and the only difference is how long he is prepared to be the doormat he will need to be.  I was never going to be a doormat for my ex.

[misty_red]

My replacement is a gay guy. So she's not romantically involved with him. At least not physically. I know that at some point she was into him but was just glad that he was gay, her words exactly: "You know, it's good. So the same things that happened with you won't happen with him. I'm save." She often fancied him, talked about his body and stuff. Yet everything still was about being in control. Both are in the army, but she's got a higher grade/rank and that she liked VERY MUCH. She said: "You know, I'm above him. It feels great." and I said: "Yeah, right. You like that a lot, being superior to someone, right?", then she smirked smugly and proudly and said: "Oh yes, definitely.". So yes, I guess they will receive the same treatment. It's always just about control.

[Splitblack4good]

I often wonder if my ex has told my replacement if she loves Him or not yet ? I'm sure ther are many here that think the same thing ? With me it was 4 weeks. They have been together 6 weeks . The thing I've come to realise is I was trying to get a slow healthy attachment and love to a disordered female and at the time I thought it very strange that she would be saying all these things so early on and kept telling her I want to let things develop in due course. I think the length of the relationship with the replacement depends purely on if they truley feel the same way as in you do go along with what they are saying then it ends even faster but if you say to them hang on how can you feel like that so quickly they distance themselves from you .

I'd love your opinions on this please people . Do you think if you quistion them do they give up ? Or if you agree with them does the relaitionship burn out faster

[RisingSun]

I wish I had the answer to this question. Kills me everyday to think that she might treat my replacement better than she treated me.

My xw told me that my replacement was going to help her get over her issues. I guess I didn't deserve her putting in the effort in getting over her issues while spending 11 years of my life with her. I have no idea if my replacement even agreed to help her get over her issues. She was also telling me that the replacement was going to help her get over me/divorce as well. She's setting him up for a huge job. I don't think he consciously signed up for it either.

From all the hoopla I heard about this guy he must be a saint. It'll definitely take one to get my xw on track emotionally.

My bet is on things totally falling apart for them. She's in a very precarious place at the moment. I don't see her having the emotional maturity to handle this situation with any grace given her track record.

When things are set in motion they gain momentum in the direction first initiated. If you start out on the wrong foot, it's hard to regain your balance once things are moving forward. So if our x's were screwed up emotionally when they left us, then you can bet it will extend into their next relationship. Unless, they've done some major work on themselves before moving to someone new.

 

[mitchell16]

I believe the next person will suffer the same fate with them. Tow bad it gets I think it depends on how long the replacement wants to stick around for the abuse. The guy before, my ex did alot of the same things, she lied to him, muniplated him, insulted him and cheated on him etc... but theirs only last 10 months cant say why it ended for sure. She said she left him and I beleive that but i do beleive they would have been recycleing many more times if she hadnt of found me. she recyled him once more when we were together. according to her he showed up with a ring asking her to get married. Her words "can you beleive he wanted to marry me after I had been with you" she said it with disgust in her voice for him. I think after that she realized just how much of a doormat he was and she lost interest and of course she alway denied during their 3 day recycle that she had sex with him. Which I alway thougt was BS. Our dance lasted on and off for 3 years and alot of the pain I went through was my own doing because I kept going back. So I think it will keep happening to our replacements but the amount of pain and suffering is up to them.

[billypilgrim]

Mine treated me exactly the same way as she treated the guy before me.  I found a letter that she had kept from him that she received just before she started dating me.  The poor guy sounded exactly like me.  I said the exact same things to her as he did, almost verbatim at times.  It was kind of surreal.  He was taking responsibility.  Believing her lies, distortions, and blame.  Promising to change, wanting to fix the relationship.  She cheated on him.  Just like she cheated on everyone before him.  And just like she probably did me.  She blamed him for the demise of the relationship when she was the one that left.  She did the exact same thing to me.  I'm sure the next guy will experience the same thing and might end up on these boards if she lets him close enough to make sense of what she really is.

I gave her the longest sustained relationship that she's ever had in her life, friends and family included.  I don't know what person out there would be able to break that trend unless she seeks help for herself - which I highly doubt happens.