How ALONE are you?

[Hope0807]

I realize that if you have a parent, or spouse, or sibling, or child in this world…you have some one.  And that some "one" truly makes all the difference in the world.

I'm praying that it's just my first holiday post divorce that the "alone" feels this incredibly horrible.  My most important New Year's resolution (that kinda started months ago, post fallout) is to learn to be okay and happy being alone.  I can't stand how much it hurts, but I know I need to heal.

I attend meet ups, I stay connected to friends and get out of the house.  I have a job, I read, walk my dog, stay busy in a variety of ways... .but I'm struggling, big time.  I really need to know if there's anyone out there who is really and truly alone and comfortably so.  Do you find strength in memories of a parent who was alone and strong?  Did the peace and comfort of "alone" come in time after your fallout with your BPD ex?  Please share if you can.

It is a painful reality to learn how MUCH I invested into the relationship with PD.  I am working and healing many of my own care-taking personality issues.

Exactly how ALONE are you? 

[Infern0]

To be honest I am very alone.

This Christmas day I will be on my own,  I'll probably spend a few hours at the gym. And then I dunno,  watch whatever trash is on TV haha.

But to be honest I'm not bothered.  My BPDEX lost me a lot of friends,  and most of the people left around me went in the great toxic people cull of 2014.

Yeah it'd be nice to have someone,  but I don't,  I am self sufficient and it doesn't depress me.

2015 I start my therapy to eradicate codependency and self esteem issues etc,  it's time to spend time on myself and once I'm the person I want to be I'll start letting people into my life again

[peiper]

Right now very

[PaintedBlack28]

Exactly how ALONE are you? 

Hope,

I am completely alone. I live like a zombie. I have parents (talk to them through Skype), brother mostly over the phone. I have two kids from a previous marriage - both heavy alienated. I may resume contact with them after my exw severed all  contact  after she found out I had a GF (she would be very happy if she knew she had BPD and how everything ended for me). I have a job, I talk to people at work, but I actually watch it all from a distance. I am utterly and completely alone. Weekends are the worst, nobody  to talk to. I hate the empty moments that  used to be filled with our relationship. Too much time to think, re-think, ruminate. I even miss the abuse, that's how alone I feel. people complain about their pwBPDs coming back into their lives, and I would give ONE YEAR FOR A MINUTE with her again. Every day is a living hell for me.

She left, no goodbye no nothing.

Hope, i hope things will work out for us somehow. If you are too lonely  we can always talk via Skype- just send me a PM.      

[Hope0807]

Thank you Infern0,

I'm working hard to get where you are…"not bothered…and not depressed".  I'm determined to get there.  I've turned down a few invitations from friends to join them for the holiday, but I just can't handle it.  It's not my ex who's no longer in my life, it's my whole sense of family as I had known and grown to love it for the past 7 years. 

I left my own toxic family behind years ago and won't go back in that direction either.  I'm working hard on making sure I'm REALLY REALLY "good" on my own so I can be "great" when I'm ready to try relationships again.

Thank you!  Looking forward to hearing from others in the same boat.

To be honest I am very alone.

This Christmas day I will be on my own,  I'll probably spend a few hours at the gym. And then I dunno,  watch whatever trash is on TV haha.

But to be honest I'm not bothered.  My BPDEX lost me a lot of friends,  and most of the people left around me went in the great toxic people cull of 2014.

Yeah it'd be nice to have someone,  but I don't,  I am self sufficient and it doesn't depress me.

2015 I start my therapy to eradicate codependency and self esteem issues etc,  it's time to spend time on myself and once I'm the person I want to be I'll start letting people into my life again

[fred6]

I got divorced back in 2006 when I was 34. I lived alone up until I moved in with exBPD in 2011. So that's 5 years that I was alone. I dated a bit, but never really found anyone that I was that interested in. Looking back, I was perfectly fine back then and I'll be fine this time, even though it can be lonely sometimes. The worst part is getting used to the ex, her kids, and the cat being around all the time, then they are just gone one day. It just takes a little time getting back into the mindset of being on your own again.

For the ones here that haven't lived alone long term, I would suggest making it a priority to get somewhat comfortable being on your own for 1-2 years minimum. One thing that we have to remember is that pwBPD are the ones that can't be alone. If you have to have someone out of desperation, it probably won't work out well long term.

As for me, I'm kind of like a shut in these days. I go to work, to the store, and go to see my 16 yo daughter every so often. That's about it for me for the time being, and I'm mostly OK with it. I just don't want to be around anyone at this point. It is what it is!

[Inside]

Hope… same here   After a divorce I had my BPD experience ... .twas like icing on the cake of dysfunction, as I’d spent nearly 3 decades with an anxiety plagued wife.  We’ve two daughters, one living with either of us.  So, technically, I’ve ‘company.’  And, it’s the best kind… a collage attending daughter who actually asks me for advice about her friends, and seems to agree with it

But, she’s not always around, and I am.  In fact, having left a job in preparation of selling out & moving on, and when she’s away, I’m both isolated and alone…  :)epression can set in from every angle, and praying hasn’t worked for me.  Though, I actually feel like an accomplished father and former husband, if life were to end right now, I’d be ok with it.  ... .but I’m not dead yet.  Though at times, it feels like it.  

Sometimes it feels like I’m testing myself, and often times it feels as though I’m growing.  Also a year from my BP r/s, I think of her daily…  I’ve tried the meet-up events but they’re not happening where I’d like to relocate so don’t want to connect (fall in love with) someone tying me to an area that’s come to break my heart.  And, I fall in love too easy, as well as appear to be a magnet for disfunction…  My online forays for romance scared the crap out of me as several I’d been attracted to seemed more vishous than what I’d just left!  And I’ve dropped out of the group I met my BPex in, as showing up there and having a couple of beers led to several stupid re-connects…  I do take ‘field trips’ to a location I’d like to be, and have no trouble meeting people or getting invited to join in ... .but I’m not there yet.  Feels like a living limbo

There are times I’m having a blast by myself - travel where, if, and when I want.  Checkout what I want, eat, watch, listen, visit, sleep or stay up as I wish.  ... .and those times when friends describe how much they envy that … while committed to stale marriages...   Both my parents have lived apart and alone for decades, and their cats have become my siblings…  Honestly, I don’t want to be alone, and as much ‘fun’ as I can have, I so want to share that.  Just feels like I’m going to waste … though I vividly recall the same feeling while carrying my wife through life, realizing then she was far from a wise investment... . 

So when friends ask, “What do YOU want to do?” ... .having been a caregiver all my life, it’s a question I can’t answer!  With all I’ve accumulated, what I miss most I last experienced with my BPgf -- the sincere feeling and proclamation that ‘I could live in a cardboard box,’ ‘with her.’  Granted, a big one! ... .with holes for windows and stuff   You know, that feeling of ‘all’s well,’ ‘life’s good,’ someone loves me and I love them’... ?  My parents are aging and my daughter’s will be moving on.  Me too, but where?  

It saddens me to notice the woman my age who no longer make eye contact... . That religate themselves to book groups, yoga, or crafts, and surround themselves with cats.  It pains me that there likely lies within them so much more… but that they no longer have either the trust in humanity nor the resilience to be hurt while attempting to find out.  ... .while I fill the bachelor niche, a week between shaving, eating from cans, beer in the morning while staying close to home and well-worn ruts…  Though no cats…  ... .our dog was killed by a bear 17 months ago, as old in ‘dog years’ as me.  

I dance with depression, even dare it.  For months I asked friends and family ‘what they looked forward to in life?’  ... .some likely dreaded seeing me coming, and that seemed a question they’d never asked themselves…  Many couldn’t answer it.  My Sister did, and best, “Sometimes I just look forward to falling asleep at night.”  That was my favorite, nothing exhotic or complicated, just acknowledging the basics.  And though I’m very much alone, I definitely detect growth.  It can’t be forced, as I wouldn’t know what to push or look for ... .but just last night, shutting things down before watching TV, I felt complete, if completely alone.  When I worry about it, it’s a problem.  When I accept it, it works.  I actually did some serious contemplation with regard to whether I wanted anyone in my life or not.  A lifetime of caring for others, from the oldest of four and held responsible for their acts, to decades of care for a dysfunctional non appreciative wife, to an at-home & homeschooling dad ... .to the enabler of a pwBPD, baring the last daughter at home, am I nearly and finally free -- free to concentrated on me?  

I doubt it’ll last, and as mentioned, don’t really want it to.  I don’t want or need dysfunctional, but am very concerned as to whose left that’s not so jaded by similar mistakes and trauma ... .that’s still capable or willing to risk more?  I look forward to returning to work, anywhere.  :)oubt I’ll ever take on another dog… and will continue to dodge cats.  Neither daughter wants to live the direction I’m headed (to the ocean), but I’d like to share it with someone.  Alone can work, as long as it’s never viewed as permanent.  Not much to do with BPD, but I’m real glad you asked

[Inside]

I even miss the abuse, that's how alone I feel.

... .first I laughed, then held back a tear...   I talk too much, but that line said so much.  We’re good people - we’ll get through this

PS, when I'd began my piece ... .no one had responded to Hope, so I need to type faster or talk less, and am still catching up

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Looking within myself I have to admit I could be AVPD - cluster C anxiety disorder.  I wonder how many others here might qualify for such a diagnosis?

[Left broken and confused]

I am not sure about anyone else but I can tell you that if I am in a room with 100 people right now I still feel alone

[whythisgirl]

I am not sure about anyone else but I can tell you that if I am in a room with 100 people right now I still feel alone

I feel the same. I actually have my exbf prior to the exBPDbf who is very supportive, caring, and here with me. He hates how the exBPD treated me and wants me back. But I still feel so alone. I have a great person wanting to be with me but I feel lost/confused/broken because of the xBPD. Its a horrible feeling. I'm trying my hardest to look on the bright side of things and accept love from ppl who actually loves me. Just feels like I'm going backwards.

[clydegriffith]

I'm thankful for the group of close friends that i have. It would have been impossible for me to begin healing and carry on a normal life after the pure hell the BPDx put me through if had nobody.

[Rise]

I even miss the abuse, that's how alone I feel. people complain about their pwBPDs coming back into their lives, and I would give ONE YEAR FOR A MINUTE with her again.

PB, I appreciate you being so honest. It's not easy to admit things like that.

What I want to know is, how many of us are truly miss our exes, and how many of us really just can't stand being by ourselves? Do we really want our exes back, or do we just need someone to be there? And why is the idea of being by ourselves so terrible to so many of us?

[DiamondSW]

I'm on my own at the moment and it's ok.  I have a lovely gf who has gone home to visit her family in another country for xmas, hence I find myself watching tele and shopping quite happily.  It's been a year and a half since the relationship from hell and i feel ok, but still a bit wobbly and nervous every now and then... .

I feel sad to read the stories on here and just hope those people do something nice for themselves over the next 24hrs... .  cook yourself some nice food, enjoy a walk somewhere gorgeous, basically just take care of themselves. 

Last year I was alone, very sad and very vulnerable.  But this year things are better... .and I'm thankful for that.  My BPD exgf did a good job on taking all hope from my life... .  but when I met a healthy woman, and worked hard in all areas, my life improved.  All it took was time, distance, no contact and remembering who I was and what skills and talents I had... .   

I wish all those people on their own a happy Chrismas and a healthy new year.   xx

[Painterly2014]

This Christmas is very hard and I feel alone and depressed some of the time but other times I feel really good. Maybe some of it is because for the last few years I felt so alone with my BPD that its not that different.  What a sad fact. The thing that bothers me the most is being apart from my daughter this year because its her husbands family turn to have her.

The BPDh has been gone for almost 2 months and after 25 years of marriage its pretty weird to be sitting here alone on Christmas. Going to spend time with my friends and try not to obsess about it.

I think I'm in an ok place for what I have been through and really last year Christmas sitting with him and relatives trying to act normal right after the big s**t hit the fan was harder than being alone. Actually I have felt more alone with him than without him.

[Turkish]

I think I'm in an ok place for what I have been through and really last year Christmas sitting with him and relatives trying to act normal right after the big s**t hit the fan was harder than being alone. Actually I have felt more alone with him than without him.

I can relate to that. My Ex and I have not been together for over a year, yet she finally moved out this past february. I was invited to her family's house for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve (when they celebrate). Ditto for this thanksgiving and perhaps for Christmas Eve again. I only live a few miles away. I would want to be there for our kids, but I shift the celebrations. I worked a homeless outreach on Thanksgiving instead and got my kids that night. Their family has a lot of pain, but everyone pretends otherwise in order to keep it intact. This is one reason my Ex is the way she is, compartmentalizing. I can't pretend, it's so fake. Maybe in later years, perhaps.

I'm alone, and always was alone. I'm ok with it, even for 2 and 3 day stretches without D2 and S4, because they are always happy to see me. When not here, or working, I've been reading compulsively, as it's my escape.

[Inside]

The thing that bothers me the most is being apart from my daughter this year because its her husbands family turn to have her.

Both my daughters will be with my ex wife …the ‘pickins’ are better over there    What bothers me is how their mom, after taking off and leaving me to finish raising them, got married.  Instead, I found a BPD…  So, as her tree’s stocked with gifts and ‘the gang’s all there,’ I’m in the woods recovering from the BPD, alone, again    

But - when my daughter returns, overflowing with stories of drama, stress & anxiety, I begin to smile, knowing I’ll never (ever) have to spend time around that collection of clowns again ... .barring a serious funeral...  :)aughter texted me last night saying she's ‘heading home for a couple of normal days before spending c-mass with them.’  I’m already counting my blessings  

Hey Turkish ... .your kids are far younger than your wisdom belies, impressive…  I just finished reading Blue Highways, by William Least Heat Moon, thirty years late - but worth the wait!  :)eep, contemplating commentary by a thirty-something laid-off college writing teacher having just separated from his wife - off to circumnavigate the USA.  Honestly, I’m tempted to do the same ~

[maric]

Alone to the point where I feel like killing myself.

[Left broken and confused]

Hi Maric

I think there have been times that most people feel so alone or depressed that the thought may cross our minds but if you feel any impulse to act on those thoughts then you need to reach out immediately for help. Do you have any friends or family to turn to? Remember we are not along we are part of a group and all are here to support each other. I will be spending Christmas day alone but I am thinking of it as a day just like any other. I will probably turn to this board for some support that day as many of us will. You are never truly alone and I hope these feelings will one day soon pass for us.

[Mutt]

Hi maric,

I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time. We're volunteer staff. It really helps to talk to a live person. I sent you a PM. Can you give the number a call?

[maric]

Hey Mutt and LeftBroken,

thanks a lot for the kind replies. Christmas time is taking its toll on me. I'm at my parents' now, in a tiny town. They are old aged and I really can't open up to them (the problem would just become a snowball of sadness), this is why I am keeping everything inside and feel so alone, though I have them here with me. Of course, I am grateful I have their company. I had a awful panic attack some hours ago and had to keep it all inside. I could talk to a friend of mine through Skype and it really gave me comfort and support.

I am triggered because at this time, last year, I was left by myself during vacation that had been planned for months. And today I saw she's spending Christmas with my replacement. It hurts so much.

I am also so grateful I have this forum. Seeing your kindness gives me strenght and hope.

Thanks a lot.

[Left broken and confused]

I too am struggling with seeing him with my replacement. Unfortunately the only family I have is my sister who is a week into her break up with her boyfriend. This Christmas may be full of tears but we will all get through it. I have been very depressed today but I am trying hard to function.  I am dreading all the photos on fb but trying to remember the minute after the photo was taken his mood may change and the holiday be ruined with any luck

[Hope0807]

Appreciating all of your posts very much.  But like I said, it's a totally different kind of alone when you don't have a sibling, child, or parent.  That's me…and I can't stand it.  Most of you are writing that you're alone here and there but have children, or parents, siblings.  Those people depend on you in some sense.  It gives you a sense of purpose.  They would miss you if you were gone…and THAT is sometimes a VERY reassuring thought in a very dark moment.  In this healing process I realize how my own fear of being alone helped to keep me clinging to what I knew didn't feel right at all.  I felt incredibly alone with the ex.  I remember thinking that exact thought year after year.  I am grateful to be out, but truly long to be needed in only the way those nuclear family members can make you feel.

Is anyone TOTALLY alone?  No parents, children, or siblings?

[Mutt]

Hi maric,

Panic attacks are not fun  

I used to get severe panic attacks. I can relate.

Here's an article. I hope that helps.

PERSPECTIVES: What is a panic attack?

[Turkish]

Hi maric,

Panic attacks are not fun  

I used to get severe panic attacks. I can relate.

Here's an article. I hope that helps.

PERSPECTIVES: What is a panic attack?

I used to get panic attacks. Sometimes at work by reading this site (no offense to anybody  

They are a natural reaction to emotional trauma. Depression is as well. Connecting with support systems like family, friends, or a therapist can help. Being tortured by our own thoughts  isn't fun, but it's a natural phase in the process of detachment. Keep posting, maric, we're all here fir each other  

Turkish

[Inside]

Maric ... .I can relate, and battling depression doesn't help... . But lately, I’ve just given in to it, to being alone.  It’s like, ‘yeah, I could be dead,’ ‘instead, I’m alone,’ ‘so what’s the difference?’ - other than occasionally something makes me laugh.  

... .watched what I thought would be a pretty dry documentary on PBS about Admiral Hyman Rickover and our Nuclear Navy last week - busted out laughing over that guy’s attitude on life, and thought to myself - that - was worth sticking around for!  Life is rich, so be the character you are.  

This is a tuff time of year to be alone, but I can verify - there will be millions in a day or two who would pay heavy to be the hell away from their crazy outlaws, siblings, SO’s, kids... .and the commercial hype this season’s come to represent.  

Spring’s coming Maric, the days are lengthening (unless yur down under) - keep us company

[Rifka]

Appreciating all of your posts very much.  But like I said, it's a totally different kind of alone when you don't have a sibling, child, or parent.  That's me…and I can't stand it.  Most of you are writing that you're alone here and there but have children, or parents, siblings.  Those people depend on you in some sense.  It gives you a sense of purpose.  They would miss you if you were gone…and THAT is sometimes a VERY reassuring thought in a very dark moment.  In this healing process I realize how my own fear of being alone helped to keep me clinging to what I knew didn't feel right at all.  I felt incredibly alone with the ex.  I remember thinking that exact thought year after year.  I am grateful to be out, but truly long to be needed in only the way those nuclear family members can make you feel.

Is anyone TOTALLY alone?  No parents, children, or siblings?

I sent you a private message, please check your mail.

Rifka

[Inside]

Is anyone TOTALLY alone?

Hope… you said a lot...   And yes, I’ve long thought my now young adult daughters are my only reason to keep going…  But, the pressure, demands, expectations and responsibility can also take a toll. 

With several options for company, I’ve again chosen to be alone    Sometimes I just feel like wallowing in it… maybe to get it out of my system, or to prove that I can do it?  My BPex will be surround by family, and ‘friends,’ but she’s more alone than we could ever be. 

Seems everybody battles something ... .I should probably look into SAD, the seasonal depression stuff…  But when my life's over, I’d like to leave a positive mark, hopefully a number of them.  I get the impression that ‘we’ are positive people with a lot to give ... .and were likely tapped because of that by our BP mates. 

We’re good people, who are not only capable but bound to leave some positive tracks in life.  You’re here - and sparked me to ponder these feelings, so I’ll thank you, again.  You count, we all do, but as givers, we expect to see our caring reflected in others.  Never think that because you can't see into all the eyes that you've positively impacted that it isn't there.  And you've no doubt more to give

[Hope0807]

Thanks, all.  Inside:  that last post brought me to tears.  Believe it or not I'm a professional who is confident and put together.  Most of my colleagues and dear friends there have commented on my strength and resilience for the little they do know, and the little they think they understand.  The only place I wallow is here on this forum…and not even as much, with my T.

[fred6]

Thanks, all.  Inside:  that last post brought me to tears.  Believe it or not I'm a professional who is confident and put together.  Most of my colleagues and dear friends there have commented on my strength and resilience for the little they do know, and the little they think they understand.  The only place I wallow is here on this forum…and not even as much, with my T.

I'm the exact opposite. I talk to lots of people about this stuff. I find that it helps get it out. Hell, I have a felling some people are sick of hearing about it, haha. Also, I get many different perspectives and opinions on what happened. Everyone will have a different opinion, but you will start to see a pattern. I definitely have.

I'm definitely like Inside, I don't really want to be around anyone right now. A little is OK, but being around people too much is exhausting for me right now for some reason. For me being alone is not the problem, I'm OK alone. It's more the sense that being along triggers the thoughts of what I've lost.