How ALONE are you?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

fred6,

Yeah I was talking to everyone who would listen a few months ago as well.  The shock, anger, disgust, humiliation, and insanity of it propelled me to talk to others.  How do they receive what you're saying and offer their support?  I'm past the offerings of:  "Be glad you're out"  "It could have been worse, thank god you're safe"  "Now he's someone else's problem"  "There's someone better out there for you" 

My ex has demonstrated callous cruelty that is so far beyond the scope of what I can wrap my head around.

The only kind of feedback that feels right is what my T has said here and there and a friend will on occasion toss in my direction…"He's going to crash and burn." 

Thanks, all.  Inside:  that last post brought me to tears.  Believe it or not I'm a professional who is confident and put together.  Most of my colleagues and dear friends there have commented on my strength and resilience for the little they do know, and the little they think they understand.  The only place I wallow is here on this forum…and not even as much, with my T.

I'm the exact opposite. I talk to lots of people about this stuff. I find that it helps get it out. Hell, I have a felling some people are sick of hearing about it, haha. Also, I get many different perspectives and opinions on what happened. Everyone will have a different opinion, but you will start to see a pattern. I definitely have.

I'm definitely like Inside, I don't really want to be around anyone right now. A little is OK, but being around people too much is exhausting for me right now for some reason. For me being alone is not the problem, I'm OK alone. It's more the sense that being along triggers the thoughts of what I've lost.

[Hope0807]

fred6,

Yeah I was talking to everyone who would listen a few months ago as well.  The shock, anger, disgust, humiliation, and insanity of it propelled me to talk to others.  How do they receive what you're saying and offer their support?  I'm past the offerings of:  "Be glad you're out"  "It could have been worse, thank god you're safe"  "Now he's someone else's problem"  "There's someone better out there for you" 

My ex has demonstrated callous cruelty that is so far beyond the scope of what I can wrap my head around.

The only kind of feedback that feels right is what my T has said here and there and a friend will on occasion toss in my direction…"He's going to crash and burn." 

Thanks, all.  Inside:  that last post brought me to tears.  Believe it or not I'm a professional who is confident and put together.  Most of my colleagues and dear friends there have commented on my strength and resilience for the little they do know, and the little they think they understand.  The only place I wallow is here on this forum…and not even as much, with my T.

I'm the exact opposite. I talk to lots of people about this stuff. I find that it helps get it out. Hell, I have a felling some people are sick of hearing about it, haha. Also, I get many different perspectives and opinions on what happened. Everyone will have a different opinion, but you will start to see a pattern. I definitely have.

I'm definitely like Inside, I don't really want to be around anyone right now. A little is OK, but being around people too much is exhausting for me right now for some reason. For me being alone is not the problem, I'm OK alone. It's more the sense that being along triggers the thoughts of what I've lost.

[NYMike]

I have also had thoughts of suicide.So your not alone.

I have done everything I can to heal from this and stay NC.It has been by far a painful ride for me.I use my family,a few friends,life-line,suicide hotline,T and stangers in the street().

I feel so cheated,Lied to,Manipulated,Angry,Used,Led to believe a lot of BS.I feel robbed of money also.I feel like she stole my soul.In many ways she did steal my soul.

I am alone at this point even if I am in a room full of people.I walk around in the FOG.I just have to pray I heal each day and stay NC.

I am not the greatest help right now to anyone but I try to post some things around here.Even if it is letting other people know they are not alone with this terrible pain BPD's inflict on us caring souls.

It is no doubt a VERY painful horrible feeling.

Merry Christmas to Everyone From NYMIKE

[Left broken and confused]

I'm at a point of not even knowing what else there is to say anymore.  I know everyone is tired of hearing it and I think I  am tired of saying it. I now just suffer in silence other then when I post here.  The truth is I keep looking for answers and nobody has the answers only he knows the truth.

[fred6]

fred6,

Yeah I was talking to everyone who would listen a few months ago as well.  The shock, anger, disgust, humiliation, and insanity of it propelled me to talk to others.  How do they receive what you're saying and offer their support?  I'm past the offerings of:  "Be glad you're out"  "It could have been worse, thank god you're safe"  "Now he's someone else's problem"  "There's someone better out there for you" 

My ex has demonstrated callous cruelty that is so far beyond the scope of what I can wrap my head around.

The only kind of feedback that feels right is what my T has said here and there and a friend will on occasion toss in my direction…"He's going to crash and burn." 

I don't talk that much about it anymore. Well, just a little, . Most of the people that actually know her couldn't believe that she acted the way she did. They didn't see behind the mask. I've been told that "she's a sociopath" all the way to "she just didn't like you", and everything in between. Most people say that she has a mental problem.

[NYMike]

I'm at a point of not even knowing what else there is to say anymore.  I know everyone is tired of hearing it and I think I  am tired of saying it. I now just suffer in silence other then when I post here.  The truth is I keep looking for answers and nobody has the answers only he knows the truth.

LOL.That is so honest.I wore so many people out with this and I suffer in silence and I have asked GOD to help me every half hour and at night.Not much to say anymore but come here and read and type.I feel you on this one.

I think it is all in the NC and TIME healing the wounds.This is my 2nd BPD Woman and I am in T to why I attract these demented woman.That is prolly the real answer.They come at me all the time.It's like I have a label on my forehead.

This is like a bad f----- dream.It has warped my mind,broke my heart and ripped at my soul.

Hang in there and keep babbling away if that's what you need to do.We do whatever we have to do,to get to the other side.

I refuse to go down with the ship.I worked so hard for all I have and I have to somehow someway keep going and not give up or fall to the dark side.

I hope this helped a bit.We love you around here.

NYMIKE

[susanleona]

I have a sibling and I spend Christmas with her and her daughter's family.  It's fun but I always have in the back of my mind that I'm no ones number one person.  I have an ex who is still a friend but I'm not included in his Christmas as it belongs to his new wife.  There's friends I wish a Merry Christmas to.  I have an ex BPD boyfriend and he is cheerfully alone.  He has recently been ostracized by his family, his best friend died, but he has other Facebook friends and flirts and can always make new ones, and he at least has a job now, and a kitten.  He seems better off now that I'm not in his life and the challenge of having a relationship is not there.

[Mutt]

I'm at a point of not even knowing what else there is to say anymore.  I know everyone is tired of hearing it and I think I  am tired of saying it. I now just suffer in silence other then when I post here.  The truth is I keep looking for answers and nobody has the answers only he knows the truth.

You know your truth - hang on to it.

Answers will come on their own terms.

"Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour" -Ovid

Yeah I was talking to everyone who would listen a few months ago as well.  The shock, anger, disgust, humiliation, and insanity of it propelled me to talk to others.  How do they receive what you're saying and offer their support?  I'm past the offerings of:  "Be glad you're out"  "It could have been worse, thank god you're safe"  "Now he's someone else's problem"  "There's someone better out there for you"  

My ex has demonstrated callous cruelty that is so far beyond the scope of what I can wrap my head around.

It hurts when we're invalidated. I can relate. It's tough

[Left broken and confused]

Thanks NYMike

It definitely did help and I am also in NY all this rain is not helping at all today Merry Christmas

[NYMike]

I'm at a point of not even knowing what else there is to say anymore.  I know everyone is tired of hearing it and I think I  am tired of saying it. I now just suffer in silence other then when I post here.  The truth is I keep looking for answers and nobody has the answers only he knows the truth.

You know your truth - hang on to it.

Answers will come on their own terms.

"Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour" -Ovid

Yeah I was talking to everyone who would listen a few months ago as well.  The shock, anger, disgust, humiliation, and insanity of it propelled me to talk to others.  How do they receive what you're saying and offer their support?  I'm past the offerings of:  "Be glad you're out"  "It could have been worse, thank god you're safe"  "Now he's someone else's problem"  "There's someone better out there for you"  

My ex has demonstrated callous cruelty that is so far beyond the scope of what I can wrap my head around.

It hurts when we're invalidated. I can relate. It's tough

That's it.!... .INVALIDATED... .Mutt can you explain to me a little bit about this.She would not for the life of her validate me on anything.Why would she do that.?.That was and still is very painful.

Everyone knows how well I did right by her and all I gave but her... It's confusing

[NYMike]

Thanks NYMike

It definitely did help and I am also in NY all this rain is not helping at all today Merry Christmas

I have to have hope.I went through this with a BPD Woman I was with for 6 years.I was able to break away from her 4 years ago.

That was hell also.It took me into T and I stayed single for 3 years.This new woman ran after me and I just was not thinking.So here I am again.

So I offer hope.I don't even think about the one woman of 6 years.And I remember how terrible it was.

So I think we can get through this together and someday they will be a distant memory like my ex of 6 years.And she really is a distany memory.I went NC with her for 2 years and she called ''private'' and she said hi.I had nothing to say and said bye.I have not heard from her again.

All we have know is TIME TIME TIME and NC NC NC.Everytime I went back for the recycle I had to go through the suicide pain all over again.

I think it's at a point that I run for my life after this last episode.She is disordered and I have to LOVE her from a distance and hope someday she gets the help she needs.

NYMIKE

[Turkish]

I'm at a point of not even knowing what else there is to say anymore.  I know everyone is tired of hearing it and I think I  am tired of saying it. I now just suffer in silence other then when I post here.  The truth is I keep looking for answers and nobody has the answers only he knows the truth.

You know your truth - hang on to it.

Answers will come on their own terms.

"Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour" -Ovid

Yeah I was talking to everyone who would listen a few months ago as well.  The shock, anger, disgust, humiliation, and insanity of it propelled me to talk to others.  How do they receive what you're saying and offer their support?  I'm past the offerings of:  "Be glad you're out"  "It could have been worse, thank god you're safe"  "Now he's someone else's problem"  "There's someone better out there for you"  

My ex has demonstrated callous cruelty that is so far beyond the scope of what I can wrap my head around.

It hurts when we're invalidated. I can relate. It's tough

That's it.!... .INVALIDATED... .Mutt can you explain to me a little bit about this.She would not for the life of her validate me on anything.Why would she do that.?.That was and still is very painful.

Everyone knows how well I did right by her and all I gave but her... It's confusing

Not to put words in Mutt's maw, but I think the invalidation is in reference to friends who mean well, but whose words are invalidating. Saying, "you're better off," or "she was terrible; I knew it from the beginning," and the like are invalidating. They don't acknowledge your feelings of either anger, or perhaps residual love or at least attachment.

I know mine was a bit off. I know she had anxiety, and often presented a fakeness to the world (as one female friend told me). I get that. I was still with her and loved her anyway. I know she was difficult and often abusive. I get that, too. Friends offering me things that I already know isn't supportive, and it's invalidating of my feelings.

[maric]

You know your truth - hang on to it.

Answers will come on their own terms.

"Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour" -Ovid

I pray for that... .don't know what else to hope for.

And yes, though I have my parents (no siblings), I was in a lesbian relationship and for many many reasons they don't know about it. I just cannot tell then, it's a HUGE cultural issue. So I have to pretend that I'm happy, since they cant know about the reasons to my suffering. I have to keep it all inside. And this makes the "real Maric" completely lonely.

This year was one of the worst years of my life. So much emotional and financial struggle. A lot of lost battles. I feel defeated.

Sorry for the negativity you guys... .I am truly thankful for having you around.

[Jonie]

Hope, you’re right, it makes all the difference if you have a family, parents, children… Even if the relationship is bad, you’re still somebody’s child or parent, part of the fabric of life, it feels. My heart goes out to you…   It’s quite an ambitious goal you set for yourself: ‘to learn to be ok and happy with being alone’ - why not simply ‘learn to be alone’? Being able to share your life with someone is such a fundamental desire to most of us (it is to me), that it is quite a task to do without it and be happy with it as well… I’ll be happy if I’m not unhappy with it

[Mutt]

You know your truth - hang on to it.

Answers will come on their own terms.

"Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour" -Ovid

I pray for that... .don't know what else to hope for.

And yes, though I have my parents (no siblings), I was in a lesbian relationship and for many many reasons they don't know about it. I just cannot tell then, it's a HUGE cultural issue. So I have to pretend that I'm happy, since they cant know about the reasons to my suffering. I have to keep it all inside. And this makes the "real Maric" completely lonely.

This year was one of the worst years of my life. So much emotional and financial struggle. A lot of lost battles. I feel defeated.

Sorry for the negativity you guys... .I am truly thankful for having you around.

No need to apologize. These are your feelings. It's hard keeping this stuff in and have no one to turn to  

It really helps to talk.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents

Hope, you’re right, it makes all the difference if you have a family, parents, children… Even if the relationship is bad, you’re still somebody’s child or parent, part of the fabric of life, it feels. My heart goes out to you…   It’s quite an ambitious goal you set for yourself: ‘to learn to be ok and happy with being alone’ - why not simply ‘learn to be alone’? Being able to share your life with someone is such a fundamental desire to most of us (it is to me), that it is quite a task to do without it and be happy with it as well… I’ll be happy if I’m not unhappy with it

Sometimes the person we are with make us feel lonelier. At least that's how I felt in my marriage.

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.  -Robin Williams

[Fly Like An Eagle]

Pretty alone tonight... .left my BPD wife for good today and the consequence of that is that I am spending my first Christmas totally alone ever.  At least I have my two dogs with me.  However, I must say that I feel liberated, almost euphoric.  But I also know some very tough times are up ahead, emotionally and dealing with the divorce.

Merry Christmas to all,

Mav

[fromheeltoheal]

Being alone and being lonely are two different things.  I'm one of my best friends today and don't mind time with me at all, and add Christmas activities that I'm only going to out of a sense of obligation, not desire, and I guess I'm in a different place.  So yes, I too am alone, but we have a choice as to what we make that mean.  Merry Christmas peeps!

[Turkish]

I chose to be alone tonight. I gave up the kds tonight to honor her family's tradition by celebrating tonight. Talked to the kids' mom a bit. She was happy. I was nice. She pulled out her phone to take pics of me and the kids (to post on her FB which I will forever block?). Everyone was happy I showed up, and disappointed when I left. They had a lot of awesome food lined up. I'm eating frozen pizza,.having some beer, watching a little Netflix, then going to bed early so I can get up early to prep, then pick up the kids to take them out of town for two days.

Though my Ex split me black as a romantic partner (and is still with the Homewrecker), mine actually likes me as a person. Maybe I was being a jerk tonight by leaving? Perhaps I'm being cynical by thinking that being there is me meeting their needs but not mine, but when all I carry is stripped away, they are being nice and genuine while I am not?

Honesty and authenticity are my core values I feel like I'm violating them if I were to spend the evening there with my Ex. It's the Her I saw tonight that I miss a little, but I lied to myself for almost 6 years about the other parts. I can't do it anymore. I won't, though I can treat her with kindness and patience, which I do, while practicing the new skill I learned from all of you: Boundaries.

[Hope0807]

I too chose to be alone.  I had a few invites from a friends and the ex's family as well.  I'd rather be alone than be around people to still feel alone…and pathetic.  Tonight and tomorrow is my choice.  We'll see what the year brings.  I can promise you all that I will find my way to this forum to check on all of you and let you know where I am.  I don't want to be in this space too long.  I want to thrive.

“Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

I was THAT whole when he met me.  I want to be that person again.  I will be that person again.

[Turkish]

I too chose to be alone.  I had a few invites from a friends and the ex's family as well.  I'd rather be alone than be around people to still feel alone…and pathetic.  Tonight and tomorrow is my choice.  We'll see what the year brings.  I can promise you all that I will find my way to this forum to check on all of you and let you know where I am.  I don't want to be in this space too long.  I want to thrive.

“Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

I was THAT whole when he met me.  I want to be that person again.  I will be that person again.

And we can be again, Hope. My Christmas Wish is that you, me (because I truly don't want to be alone forever), any anyone else when it feels comfortable, make it over to the relationships and dating board someday, or at the very least, qualify for it.     

[fred6]

I too chose to be alone.  I had a few invites from a friends and the ex's family as well.  I'd rather be alone than be around people to still feel alone…and pathetic.  Tonight and tomorrow is my choice.  We'll see what the year brings.  I can promise you all that I will find my way to this forum to check on all of you and let you know where I am.  I don't want to be in this space too long.  I want to thrive.

“Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

I was THAT whole when he met me.  I want to be that person again.  I will be that person again.

And we can be again, Hope. My Christmas Wish is that you, me (because I truly don't want to be alone forever), any anyone else when it feels comfortable, make it over to the relationships and dating board someday, or at the very least, qualify for it.     

I'm there with you guys. Ain't heard a word from exBPD. My ex wife invited me over tomorrow. Don't know if I want to go. May just sleep in.

Anyhow, Merry Christmas to you guys. Have a good one!

[Jonie]

To me, Christmas is not the worst, but NY Eve. I had such fantastic NY-nights together with my BPD-ex…! Last year home alone, worst night of my life. So I booked a trip to get away from the memories of last year.

I’m doing much better in general, but there’s something about the atmosphere of these days that makes the memories of our happy times together pop up so lively, as if it was only yesterday.

He has a new relationship now, a replacement, she even looks like me. It doesn’t really bother me (strange but true), but I do wonder how he will organise his NY-party: he has kept her a secret and is messing with her best friend, and he has his jalous and vindictive ex-wife: he can’t invite all of them together, but he can’t not-invite any of them 

[Trog]

I spent xmas on my own quite on purpose, I went out for a fabulous meal at a restaurant i always wanted to, watched great tv, played computer games to my heart content and then went out for some drinks with friends. Best Xmas ive ever had. I'm living for me from now on. I will eventually get a new girlfriend but I don't think it would be fair on her while I carry this pain from my ex, it needs some time to work through and im enjoying being a selfish layabout way too much

[Hope0807]

This is good, Trog.  Ty for sharing!

I spent xmas on my own quite on purpose, I went out for a fabulous meal at a restaurant i always wanted to, watched great tv, played computer games to my heart content and then went out for some drinks with friends. Best Xmas ive ever had. I'm living for me from now on. I will eventually get a new girlfriend but I don't think it would be fair on her while I carry this pain from my ex, it needs some time to work through and im enjoying being a selfish layabout way too much