Daughter in law was tearing our family apart

[destroyed]

Our son waited until he was 40 to marry.  She was a divorcee with a 12 year old son and seemed very nice.  She said she wanted a close family relationship--doing things  together, etc.

Soon she wouldn't come to dinner at our house and showed great hatred for our daughter's husband.  Then she talked our son into moving to another town far away to finish his education.  Her son, who lives in the east with his father, was kept from us but allowed to spend time with her parents to our exclusion.  It has made any kind of relationship impossible.  Our son is torn but I guess has chosen to eliminate us from his life to keep her from raging.  It tears my heart out and I just pray for peace!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi destroyed

Since you are here I assume you suspect your daughter-in-law might have BPD. How long did your son know her before they got married?

You mention that soon she wouldn't come to dinner at your house and showed 'great hatred' for your daughter's husband. Did anything happen right before this change in her behavior? Did she perhaps mention a perceived slight that she uses to justifies her behavior?

Your son moved to another town far away, do you still have contact with him often perhaps through phone, e-mail etc.? How was your bond with your son before he got married?

Having someone with BPD in your family can be quite challenging and really disrupt the family dynamics you had before. I am glad you're reaching out for support here and I think many of our members will be able to understand and relate to your story. Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

I am sorry your son is being manipulated.

What really struck me is your wording of your son having to "keep her from raging".

That is a great and accurate description and hit home.

People walking on eggshells to keep these people from RAGING!

What a way to live life.  I hope your son sees thru this.

[jdtm]

I have lived what you are going through.  Our son's first wife (yes, he divorced her - actually she left him and abandoned her children) acted this way for several years.  It still hurts.  We were accused of things we never did, never said, never even thought.  I tried and tried to "solve" the problems in our relationship.  But, when the problem belongs to someone else, you can't fix it.  I had trouble with that fact.

Your title says it all ":)IL tearing family apart".  She does not want you in her life - I suspect because she is so needy, self-centered and jealous.  I suspect she is making your son choose - her or others (family, friends and neighbours).  I doubt if your son has "eliminated" you from his life; although you will only be present in his thoughts.  He will be brainwashed but there will be times when he will "know".  But for now, the family you envisioned will not be.  Even now for us, after our son has remarried, the collateral damage is there.  However ... .

I wish I knew 20 years ago what I know now.  I would have gone on with my life, continued to be friendly to our son and his family (even though I know our invitations, telephone calls, letters, etc. were ignored) - this is a way I deal with the guilt issue.  After some time, I was able to "get on with my life" by changing many of my old habits - church, shopping centers, interests, new friends, holiday rituals, etc.  My husband and I created a "new life"; we even moved.

Oh, it still hurts but not as deeply and not as often.  The family I envisioned is not what I have but life can be "good" again.  It's just not what you hoped or expected.  And it is not fair.  I am so sorry ... .