Found an old journal i was keeping when i was with BPDx

[clydegriffith]

So, in organizing some of my things i found an old journal i was keeping which started in September 2011. I started the journal right after we moved in together after an incident in which she threw 3 beer bottles in my direction for the simple fact that i had agreed to drive a friend somewhere after he had helped us move and mount a tv.

Anyhow, re-reading it is kind of funny and depressing. I note that the purpose of the journal was to track it for a year and then evaluate the realtionship to decide wether to breakup stay together after that time. Silly, silly, silly me. The relationship would be in the gutter a few months after that and between the course of that year there must have been a million recycles. Same freaking pattern.

1) She does something crazy

2) I leave

3) She says she's sorry and going to try to change and it seems like she means it

4) I stupidly come back

5) Rinse and Repeat

In retrospect i tell myself, hey if you need to start tracking someone like this, you probably shouldn't be with them in the first place. I think i told myself that too back then but it's difficult to make a decision like that based on the probability of something happening, however high that probability is.

[Elpis]

In retrospect i tell myself, hey if you need to start tracking someone like this, you probably shouldn't be with them in the first place.

OH the STING of that truth! Great point.

In the last year of my 38 year marriage I started noting in my phone's calendar when he'd have one of his raging/pouting tantrums. If I thought I might see a pattern I didn't really, other than the fact that he kept on doing it no matter what I said to him. And that often he would have the tantrum before an occasion where I was going to do something I really enjoyed with friends. He didn't know how to have friends and I think he was jealous.

His perspective on those fits of anger even now after I've been out of the house for 10 months is that he'd get "frustrated" and couldn't help but show that. So basically, I wasn't worth the effort it would take to not rip me to shreds emotionally. Heh. Yet he will still throw out there when he's upset that I won't do what he wants, "38 years!" And thank you for the reminder of how slow a learner I am.