Completely Confused, wounded, shocked. Cannot believe I was fooled/used so badly

[eagle1206]

I was in relationship with a girl overseas. She was divorced with a kid, so was I. We knew each other on a matrimonial site, she approached my family and we started talking. In no time, she was so aggressive in winning me, she left no stones unturned. She did extra mile, posts of eternal love, gifts, greetings, even hooking me sexually physically (virtually / online) within 2 months of our first talk. Also, showing a lot of dreams of a great family, talking all the things that made me feel for her, desire her, talking things that would make dream of things that I always wanted. I did not commit to her for 4 months, but later, I felt for her. We got engaged. She had no way to come to my country and we tried everything to make it happen. We and our kids used to talk a lot on phone, skype, google+ and we prepared their mindsets for additional family for 18 months. Finally, we managed to get her here on Student visa, because, we wanted to start co-habiting as early as possible, as kids were still 6/7 years old and they will get used to accepting each other at that age. She also visited me on tourist visa about 9 months before she finally came here on student visa. All was well until she came here, we had some red flags, disagreements, disappointments, but she seemed so let go, so did I, because we thought, our dreams and purpose are greater than minor things.

It was uncomfortable to be showered with so much love and sex and love messages, even before we got engaged, it was too good to be true, but, I did not know anything about BPD the. Finally, she came here, all things were different, she was indifferent, negative, no gratitude, finding faults, no emotional empathy, sex was good all the time however. But, she was in her own world. Never introduced a single friend of hers or never allowed me to introduce / invite my friends. The house, which used to be a palace, became a hut and so on so forth. First 3 months, I thought, she was trying to adjust and things will get better. But, something was weird, there was no sincere love for me, my son she showcased earlier. Spent 20K usd in her school, living, and other expenses. 3 months later, I stumbled upon her skype chats and some emails, which showed she actually hated me, my family, not trusting of my good friends, accusing me to her friends, brothers, but still always telling me about soulmate, sex, love, kids etc etc. When I knew about it, I asked her about it. She was ready to leave the same day. I stopped her and said we will mediate our issues and try to find out ways to make it work. Within 3 weeks, she left with her kid with the help of some local people, without letting me know where she had gone, contact details. She told all lies to people that I was threatening her, her son, forcing her to sleep, etc etc. Throughout those 3-4 months, the son bonded with me my son like real kid and brother. She did not even cared for her son. She was treated like a queen at home with love, respect. I showered and shared everything I had. I tried to call her and send several messages, no reply to single messages. I was unable to cope up with this and all lies, so, left the place for a month and came back and tried to reach her again. No response. I told her that at least let us have a closure for kids sake so that they can have peace with all this. No response. When I found out where she was living, I decided to give a final try and knocked the door and she put a restraining order against me. She appears to be socially popular and make friends and also keep some of them (but for sure from what I have learned, shallow relationships, or people being kind to her because they see her as a victim more than friend).

I am in total shock. Extremely hard to get over. How can someone be so manipulative, full of lies, take advantage of everyone, including her son to get her what she wanted (i think her whole plan was to get to this country and leave me). Trying to cope up with frustration, anger, loss of money, time, emotional damage. Trying to explain my son what happened without him getting impacted with negativity about people. But, has been hard. She has since then being a social butterfly, from what I know and not sure who is her next victim or how many of them are the victims at this time. I know there are at least one or more. She is new to country, not used to driving, many other challenges, bitter winter, but she is surviving fine. I just wonder how. Not unless you have some good people fallen for you in positive ways and / or taking advantage, which I am sure she has no moral issues with.

Any thoughts comments will help me cope with this and come to the terms with it. Thanks for reading my post and any suggestions.  

[jammo1989]

Welcome to the forum Eagle, do you know much about BPD? if not i will try and explain how i would assess the whole situation.  It would seem pretty apparent to me that the 1st red flag you mentioned was being engaged after 4 months, this within itself isn't normal behavior.  My own personal take on this is as follows:

BPDs tend to search for a rescuer, you say she had recently divorced? she cant be alone, she NEEDS to be in a relationship to feel complete, and she will do what ever it takes to protect her own emotional pain.  For example, when a BPD is abandoned they almost feel as if they are that lost child again based on childhood traumas, and their way of coping with these negative experiences is to attach themselves on to someone who will validate her and make her feel visible to the world again.  The reason why she was so forward and wanted to push things to quickly was solely a way to manipulate and control you.  She probably did this because, as soon as shes got that ring on her finger she finally has a label, because having the label of single is like death to these types of people.  She knew that, if she could hook you early by talking about the future and engagement she would have you under her spell (not abandoning her)  The problem lyes within their personality disorder and not you.  For example, as soon as a BPD gets to close for comfort (moving to your country) they fear abandonment, they do this because of severe trust issues from childhood, so when they begin to trust you, they act out, rage push you away because they are constantly running away from their childhood.  They expect you to be there for them when they need you and nothing more, that is solely why you cant attain a healthy adult relationship with Cluster Bs, and the people who say you can either suffer from another Cluster B disorder or have extremely weak boundaries.  The best way to describe this to you would be to imagine when you were a baby, you were nurtured, put to sleep at night and maybe breast fed, the 1st people you loved and trusted were your parents, so empathy comes naturally.  Now imagine a child that felt invisible in their life because their parents either ignored or abused them.  We know we can ALWAYS rely and trust our parents, so trust was also learnt.  These type of people, had to survive they had to teach themselves to defend because maybe their parents didn't do so.  They are merely children trapped in an adults body, they act out at the ones closest to them because they were never taught how to handle situations in a mature way.  You must learn that this was NEVER your fault, and that, she will never change, that is who she is as a person a survivor that is almost certain the whole world is against her, you are playing the role of her parent not her boy friend, because she expects you to look after her because she wasn't  taught  to, yes emotionally they can defend themselves and for us NONs is almost devastating the way we get treated, but, If you put everything into perspective their basically saying: I hate you because you were never there for me... .I miss you please dont leave me! this is a mere reenactment of the childhood trauma that she tries extremely hard to suppress emotionally, and when you become the trigger to this emotion, you need to RUN! because the more you smother her by letting her know you love her and will always be there for her the reason and ammunition you give her to act out such behaviour.               

[eagle1206]

Thanks a lot for your reply and support. Good that I started seeing therapist to know what was going on and he mentioned that he was sure that she had BPD, since I told her life story to him, all her impulsive actions, past relationships etc. I had made mistakes before knowing how to react to BPD. But, now, I have a closure . I know what went wrong and why. I have some more questions, which I will post later. Thank you very much.

[Elpis]

Besides the things that jammo mentions, one thing I had to come to terms with was that my pwBPD (husband of 38 years) said many things and it sounded like a great future, but the actions didn't match up with the words. I finally had to start saying "WORDS!" in my head when he would promise something so I wouldn't get my hopes up.

A person suffering from BPD will paint a picture of the ideal life, but their actions may not back up that picture. And then when we "fail" them, they will write a story about us that tells others how at fault we were in the relationship. It's all coping mechanisms because of their faulty sense of self.

[Brazil]

  You must learn that this was NEVER your fault, and that, she will never change, that is who she is as a person a survivor that is almost certain the whole world is against her, you are playing the role of her parent not her boy friend, because she expects you to look after her because she wasn't  taught  to, yes emotionally they can defend themselves and for us NONs is almost devastating the way we get treated, but, If you put everything into perspective their basically saying: I hate you because you were never there for me... .I miss you please dont leave me! this is a mere reenactment of the childhood trauma that she tries extremely hard to suppress emotionally, and when you become the trigger to this emotion, you need to RUN! because the more you smother her by letting her know you love her and will always be there for her the reason and ammunition you give her to act out such behaviour.               

Hello you all, sorry to put myself in this conversation, but I believe that what jammo said is very important and pertinent. Eagle, please, I also felt sort of the same way, read carefully what jammo said because You will feel better. It will be positive to you.

[Elpis]

  You must learn that this was NEVER your fault, and that, she will never change, that is who she is as a person a survivor that is almost certain the whole world is against her, you are playing the role of her parent not her boy friend, because she expects you to look after her because she wasn't  taught  to, yes emotionally they can defend themselves and for us NONs is almost devastating the way we get treated, but, If you put everything into perspective their basically saying: I hate you because you were never there for me... .I miss you please dont leave me! this is a mere reenactment of the childhood trauma that she tries extremely hard to suppress emotionally, and when you become the trigger to this emotion, you need to RUN! because the more you smother her by letting her know you love her and will always be there for her the reason and ammunition you give her to act out such behaviour.               

Hello you all, sorry to put myself in this conversation, but I believe that what jammo said is very important and pertinent. Eagle, please, I also felt sort of the same way, read carefully what jammo said because You will feel better. It will be positive to you.

Yup, like Jammo is saying, we don't have responsibility for how the other person in the relationship chooses to act. Their actions were set in motion by their own deeply held but faulty thinking. Once we realize we don't then we can focus on our own healing! So true.

Don't be sorry for jumping in Brazil, that's what we all do! We jump into many different conversations. That's how we learn!