Realization... I lost myself

[Hadlee]

Hi All

Last week a friend/co-worker passed away suddenly.  I spoke to my BPD friend on the day as we had both known the co-worker for a number of years.  During our conversation I had a *light bulb* moment - whilst my heart was going out to the deceased's family and young children, all the BPD could talk about was how SHE was feeling, how she was shaken and sad, and how SHE was the one to talk to other shaken co-workers - namely her shiny new toy.  I felt it clear as day that all she was interested in was sympathy, attention, and being in the thick of things with the unfolding outpouring of grief from co-workers.  That, I found very sad.

In the days following, I have seen the outpouring of grief from co-workers, and many dedicated tributes online.  After reading all the tributes I had another *light bulb* moment - "what would people say about me?"... ."how would I be remembered?"... ."oh wait!  who the hell am I"?  At that moment... .I realized I had lost myself.  I lost myself to a person with a disorder - a person I tried to help - a person that confused me more than I have ever been confused before - a person I was determined to figure out.  Then came the most important realization of all... .I need to find me again

So from a terrible tragedy, I find myself thinking of ME and MY needs.  I looked at a photo of me from 4 years ago (just before becoming BFF with the BPD) and I had a sparkle in my eye, I was so happy and full of life, I knew who I was.  I miss that ME as she's been gone for a while.  But... .I am on the right path now to get ME back   For the first time in a long time I am planning things for myself without a black cloud hanging over my head.

I don't doubt my struggle with the BPD is completely over as yet, given the fact we work for the same company, but I feel there has been a shift in my mind and attitude.  Taking control of me and my life suddenly feels mighty good!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone so much for their support and guidance over the last few weeks, especially Mutt, you have been an absolute Angel.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a fantastic New Years.  May 2015 bring us all happiness and peace   

[Elpis]

Hallelujah for light bulb moments!     

One of my  moments was when my sister died almost 3 years ago, and I realized that I didn't want my uBPDh to come with me to be with my brother in law because I knew he would still be about him--how HE felt about my sister dying, and staying involved on his laptop or iPad or anything else but supporting me. I knew instantly that I wanted to take my daughter with me because she would be there for me, plus she was the closest of my grown children to my sister.

He still brings it up that I didn't take him!

I lost myself to a big extent too in the relationship with my uBPDh. It's hard to hang onto you if they tend to write their own story of who you are as viewed through the lens of their disorder, and they don't tend to like it when you start finding yourself again so be ready for that.

i'm so glad you're on the way!

[Hadlee]

I lost myself to a big extent too in the relationship with my uBPDh. It's hard to hang onto you if they tend to write their own story of who you are as viewed through the lens of their disorder, and they don't tend to like it when you start finding yourself again so be ready for that.

Thanks so much 

What you said makes so much sense about them writing their own story of who we are.  I'm afraid to say she wrote a shocking story about me then . 

Well, it's time to write my own story now

[Elpis]

I'm so glad you're at the place where you can do that! Write away!

My uBPDh has written quite the story about me--I don't even recognize myself! But he's successfully told the story and played to the sympathy of our neighbors of the house I left him in last February, and to our daughter and her husband who live in another country. At first I was horribly hurt, but now i'm more "hum-ho this again" and can only pray they eventually see the light! Meanwhile I keep trying to be myself with that daughter and ask what color scarf the oldest grandchild would like me to knit and stuff like that, even while she's texting abusively about how I have no clue what it's like to work hard and have bills that keep coming and here I've left her dad to pay my way. Alrighty honey, you live in your delusional world and be pissed off, your siblings nearby know only a tenth of what I've dealt with and they understand why I left!

it's been hard for me to give up any control over what my uBPDh says about me, even though I have exactly zero control!

[Hadlee]

Wow!  You have had a tough time.  I'm sorry you had to deal with all that.

Giving up control is definitely hard.  I've only just accepted the only thing I have control over is myself . The good thing about that realization is I am not focused on what the BPD friend may do next.  That was a big thing that was doing my head in

I hope to one day be thankful she crossed my path.  There are so many lessons in this experience.  I would prefer not to have experienced the painful ones, but I do hope it makes me a better person in the long run.

Hope you are in a better and happier place now, Elpis 

[Elpis]

You will one day be glad for the things you've learned about people in general but especially about yourself. It's eye-opening to realize just what we are willing to do for the sake of a relationship, how readily we will sell ourselves down river to keep that other person "happy"! (even though we can't make them happy, they have to be the one to find that.)

I've learned so much about what I was willing to do to keep up the semblance of a "happy family" and how far too important it was to me how others perceive me, and how hard it was to lose control over some things I never had control of in the first place!

I'm to the place of finally learning how to take care of myself, and I can see where my enabling has made it harder for my uBPDh to find healing. I can see how unhealthy my relationships were, since I was prone to picking friends and keeping them for years who were people I thought I could "help."

So many lessons, so little time!

Mentally and emotionally i'm getting healthier day by day, even getting some of my creative juices back, and doing things for myself without guilt (okay, with LESS guilt!) I'm far less fragile than I was, I can recognize my triggered behavior more quickly, I can find balance more easily. I'm better at knowing that I am in charge of keeping myself safe from people who would cause me harm emotionally, and at knowing that home is not a fixed place, I carry it with me in my soul where all those who have loved me and supported me live.

So i'm getting there--and you will too. i'm so glad you've found this site and all the wonderful helpful information and people here. 

[Hadlee]

You have certainly learnt some valuable lessons.  I am glad you are getting healthier day by day

[Elpis]

MEEEEEE TOO!

If I stumble at all about my decision to split from him I just have to wait 5 minutes and he'll do something else to remind me why I left. 

[Mutt]

Hi Hadlee,

I'm sorry to hear about your co-worker.

I'm happy to hear you had a   moment. Everyone's journey and healing is different and have different circumstances. I would like to share from my personal experience

The disorder taught me many lessons. I went through many T and P sessions over the years and it really helped. I had issues articulating feelings and felt like I couldn't turn to family and friends. Anxiety, depression for many years. I felt like something was off with me and couldn't put my finger on it.

I'm thankful for my ex to show me why I feel and act a certain way - I'm codependent an answer I was looking for for some time. She helped me find myself as I went through the work on these boards. A gift I'll never forget.

Happy Holidays!        


--Mutt

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hadlee, I think it's easy to lose oneself in a BPD r/s, until one has the lightbulb moment  that you describe.  Under a cloud of FOG, I gave up friendships, family relationships, and the things that I enjoyed, until there was little left of the person I used to be.  It's a slow process, and I gave up an inch here and an inch here, until one day I discovered that I had lost a mile of ground.  I forgot who I was for a while there, which was scary and not fun.  To paraphrase Dante, I was lost in a dark wood with no clear way out.

Now I'm back on my path.  It's a rough journey at times, yet no matter what I am being authentic again and living life on my own terms.  My friends are back, as are family members.  I'm slowly re-engaging in the things that I enjoy.  My marriage to a pwBPD is over.  The price of parting ways was high, but worth it to me.

With warm Christmas wishes,

LuckyJim

[Hadlee]

Mutt - I also discovered my co-dependent tendency.  The depression and anxiety I went through only started when I became close to the BPD.  For the first time in my 40 years I was put on anti-depressants.  I went off them 2 years ago as I didn't want to bury the cause - I wanted to find out what it was and work on the triggers.  At the time, I put it down to work issues, now I know differently. 

Lucky Jim - I also gave up friendships.  Fortunately, they didn't give up on me and I have reconnected with them.  I gave up my main love of going to the gym and being fit and healthy.  Instead, I put on a lot of weight and ended up miserable.  I am heading back to they gym after Christmas, which I'm excited about

I'm looking forward to making new friends away from work and away from the BPD.  It's has been and still is a little tough having so many mutual friends.  It's time for me to take my own path.  The path that leads me well away from her