They are looking for something new/better...

[FigureIt]

Since I have been with my uBPDbf he has always been in contact with other women, even as far as being on a dating website (which when confronted... .lied).  I have told him I find it disrespectful to me. 

It seemed to have lessened for some time, but recently I found out that he was showing internet pictures of one of these women to his son who is 16, asking him what he thought, trying to brag she was a lawyer, etc.  From what his S16 told me this happened on thanksgiving when I was in the other room cooking dinner for my BF's family.  His son seemed very offended by it, not impressed at all and said something supporting me.  After this I came across a text to this woman talking about how my bf and his son do all the decorating for Xmas... .which is all BS, I do it.

How do you accept this behavior?  This creates resentment in me.  He does this and then has the nerve to accuse me of cheating.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Crumbling]

... .or... ."Should you accept this behaviour?"

Of course you feel resented, I would too!  In fact, I would crumble.  That's why I could never accept that type of behaviour.  His son has more respect for you that he does!  I'm so sorry he tainted thanksgiving for you that way.  It must be painful.

Have you thought about building solid boundaries, to help protect you from getting hurt like this again?

c.

[FigureIt]

I'm not sure what kind of boundary to build. Other than to say it is not acceptable. I have a D9 that lives with me, so it's not like I can say don't do this or I'm gone.  I can't just uproot her and he won't leave.

I have been saving so that if/when I decide to move or fight for my home, I can.  

I feel insulted that he would show his son that.  He also told his son that if "I ever left that this M would move in... ."  I appreciate all that his son said for me, it just hurts.  I just found out about the conversation yesterday, because his son came over to help ME hang outdoor Xmas lights... .my bf went back to work without helping at all.

My uBPDbf also asked me on thanksgiving if "I was happy!" While I was busting my ___ cooking a full meal for 9, by myself. I answered "yes."  

[Crumbling]

Standing your ground and saying this behaviour is not acceptable is a perfectly good boundary. 

The boundary you set isn't really the same as an ultimatum, it's more like a plan.  The consequences don't have to be about separating, they could be about something else, something you have control over, that you are comfortable with acting on.  Rather than, "If you do this, than I'll do that."  its: "I will not tolerate this and if it creeps into my life, I'm going to do this to make things right."

BTW, Squirrelling away money is a great strategy too.  It'll help keep your independence up.

The BPD in him will not let him see your side of things, so no matter how much you explain how you feel, he will not have the empathy needed to see your side - if he has BPD.  It's just how they are.  And it sounds like he could be, he obviously had no clue about how you felt at thanksgiving!  And you did say you tried this before, and it only got better for a little while.

This recent event is a good place to start the conversation.  You could tell him what you know, and lay out the boundary, because you need to take steps to protect you from being hurt again.  I don't know what it is that will work for you.  Maybe you take a step back from making certain sacrifices for him, or maybe you can take this chance to get involved in something for you, or revert your focus from him to something else with your daughter or a friend.  Something, anything, that helps you shift from feeling like the victim, and into the driver's seat, because that's where you belong! 

How is your relationship with your daughter?

[FigureIt]

My relationship with my daughter is excellent. I spend time with her, go to all her sporting, family events, most of the time alone.  We snow ski, do dinner, watch tv together, etc. 

Then my bf will tell me how I don't pay attention to him or everything revolves around me.  She's 9!

An example... .about a month ago I planned to have Xmas eve for my bf's family, then his mom was having Xmas day so my bf said not to plan Xmas eve. My D9 then asked if she could be in the Xmas eve play at mass, since I wasn't making dinner, etc. I said sure.  So, this past Sunday I asked my bf what was going on Xmas eve, that I & D9 had to be at mass at 6. He then says well we have to celebrate my dad (who is 87 with Alzheimer's) & son16 bday cuz they are the weekend after Xmas & we have my family plans.  So, I say well either befor or after mass, his S16 is working till 6 on Xmas eve so it has to be after. I get it all set with my bf's mom and then he proceeds to be agitated and tell me how it all revolves around me... .are you kidding me!  (His reasoning is cuz my D9 is in the play) I told him just I would go to mass, they could start the bday stuff at 6. My bf said no. I offered we celebrate the days on the 29th, bf's response "so we're not going to do anything on Xmas eve then! WHAT?

[Crumbling]

That's great that things are good with your daughter, at least that's one less stress in your life.

They've got great tools for dealing with this type of confrontation in Lesson 4 over here ------------->

The secret is to not get sucked in to the drama, and stay focused on the goal.  "I've made these plans, I am a person too, and deserve to have this based on MY priorities.  I am doing this at this time with my daughter, and if you would like me to participate in your plans, tell me when or where."  - no more 'our plans', just yours and his. 

I know it's hard, and so frustrating.     

But it is a mindset that you can train yourself into, that will help you in so many ways.

"So we are not going to do anything on Xmas eve then" - my response, "Nope.  I'm doing this, and you are welcome to join us, and if you want my company when you go to ____, I will try to make it work so that I can join you." 

"Our" plans never work out, but sometimes my BPDh will participate in "my" plans, and appreciates when I participate in "his" plans.  And even then, Fig, it is still a struggle.  I am still awaiting a response from him on where we are going to have Christmas dinner.  He finally agreed this morning that he would come to church with me this evening (I think because he doesn't want to sit at home alone on Christmas eve, but that's okay, whatever works,  ), but committing to something more than 24hrs in advance is a real big struggle for him.

   

I'll be sending you good intentions throughout the next couple of days, even if we don't connect here.  Merry Christmas, Fig, lets make the best of it all.

ps - one time my h commented that he wished he could be my cat, because my cat gets more attention from me that he does?  Talk about What the heck!  Jealous over a cat?  It's just how they think, love, everything MUST revolve around them, or they start to fear abandonment.  Just because you don't give in to that, does not mean that you aren't being supportive.  It's separating the disease from the person, and it's a process to work through. 

Pls give your girl a hug for me, mine is all grown up and 5000 miles away.

[FigureIt]

Thank you crumbling!  I am sorry your d is so far away   (hugs!).  It must be tough at the holidays.  It turned out on xmas eve things were moved to earlier.  My uBPDbf did not go to church with me.  His mother did.  Which was fine, because my ex-husband showed to see our D9 and that would of cause issues too.

So we did our scheduled things and everything was somewhat fine.  Other than on xmas eve he was a total grouch.  Although his son, came and told me he told his dad to stop the other women thing and grow up and stop drinking.  Not that it will help, but it was nice to hear someone else say it then just me.

Today though he is back to his lying.  He told me he had to stop in at work, which wasn't true.  I found out he took his kids to lunch... .Which is no big deal, but why not invite me and my d9, why not say what he was doing.  If I went to lunch and didn't invite him I would be told how I don't pay him enough attention.  Then he stayed at the restaurant and supposably bought his employees lunch, then his son texted me he was at the bar drinking at 5:00pm when he went there to work.  My uBPDbf then left and has now gone to another bar, but in his text to me made it sound as he just left work.  So... .ALL LIES!

why?  what is the point of the lies?

I just sort of am numb to a lot of it.  I at "whatever"