Do you think it could be BPD?

[Cloudy Days]

I usually post on the Staying board because I married a man with BPD. We have been through a lot together and while things aren't perfect they are calmer than they ever have been because my husband has been getting regular therapy and has been taking meds. He has been more loving and attentive than ever. Which is surprising because the holidays are a nightmare usually. A lot of his trauma happened right before Christmas.

Anyways to get to my point. My father has been acting like a crazy person this last year. My grandmother, his mother died of lung cancer last January, which was really hard for him to deal with. He went through a phase of drinking himself to death basically and spent two weeks in the hospital recovering from alcoholism. That was a couple months ago. My mother has been dealing with this for the past year and she said he is either crying or raging at someone, he always has to have someone to be mad at. I work with my mother so I talk to her everyday. My father has never been extremely stable and the older he gets it seems like the more he drinks. He's always been impulsive, he cheated on my mother and they as a couple fought constantly when I was a teenager to the point I would have to wear ear plugs just to go to sleep. It's the reason I feel I was drawn to someone with BPD. Anyways, I never thought my Dad was a Borderline but the more my mom talks about him the more I think he shows signs of it. Can someone develop this disorder in their late 50's?  My mom may actually stay the night at my home tonight, which I have no problem with but I'm sure my husband isn't going to be in love with the idea. She deserves to have a peaceful night though, Christmas being close and all. They moved into my grandmothers house when she passed away last year and basically inherited my alcoholic uncle to take care of. Now my Mom really wants to just leave but neither man have a job so she is basically carrying them. I know she can be very invalidating sometimes, but I think she is just unprepared for the walking disaster that is my father and my uncle. Her birthday was last week and she came home after work to my Dad my uncle and one of their friends drunk. 

I have started to figure out that my father is the reason I am screwed up. My mom kept everything working and was the responsible one. I remember my Dad always borrowing money from me. What really gets to me is that I thought I grew up in a normal family and the more I figure things out the more I figure out that my family is the most dysfunctional family I have came across so far. No wonder my brother is such a mess. We weren't abused but more neglected. You can't be there for your children if you are fighting all the time. I don't know what I am asking other than, I would like to help my mother.

[clljhns]

Hi Cloudy Days,

I am so sorry to hear about the troubles your mom has been going through. You are right, she deserves peace in her life. What does your mom say about why she stays in the relationship? I was married to an alcoholic, so I understand how it feels to never know what to expect when your husband is drinking. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that robs the family of any peace. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with an active alcoholic. Their first priority is the alcohol, not the relationship.

Can someone develop this disorder in their late 50's?

This is a good question. I have never heard of anyone who was a healthy, functioning person developing BPD later in life. Did you notice any other signs of BPD in dad before this last year? Could it be the alcoholism that is creating the signs of BPD?

Wishing you much peace and many blessings. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Cloudy Days,

Learning to see your family with new eyes after always believing how great everything was, can be quite overwhelming.

Could it perhaps be that your grandmother and later your mom too were the ones that kept your father kind of stable? Like clljhns I'm also interested to hear if you can indetify other behaviors in your father that might indicate the presence of a personality disorder? Especially as you look back at your childhood now with all the new knowledge and insights you've gained from your marriage to a BPD husband.

The way you describe your dad shows some similarities to my uBPD mom. I never knew my gradnmother, she died before I was borne. But based on everything I've heard about her from several people, it seems that my grandmother was the one who kept my mother stable. After my grandmother died, the BPD became (more) evident in my mother but I believe it had always been there but had been kept in check by my grandmother. Perhaps something similar was going on with your dad.

[Cloudy Days]

My Dad was the middle child and my Grandmother was very overbearing at times. Her adult son (50) lived with her till the day she died. He was an alcoholic so I know that she was Codependent in her ways. I know my Dad was always stand offish with people, he didn't have rage problems or anything like that similar to my husband but he always smoked pot and he always drank. And when it comes to my husband, if he is smoking pot he acts like a normal person, and gets along with everyone, (he is off pot and on meds at the moment Thank GOD!) All I really remember is if my Dad yelled at me I would start crying immediately and ran to my room. It wasn't really until my teens that things got really dysfunctional. My Dad cheated on my mom and they would fight every single day. Things did get physical on occasion, usually when alcohol was involved. But I never felt I had to walk on eggshells around my Dad. He has an addictive personality, I can tell that much. He would gamble a lot too and spends his money easily. My mom is the one that always took care of the money in the family. I remember her going on a trip for work she had to be away for a month and she sent him money to take care of bills and he spent it on new Guitar equipment. He has symptoms of BPD I guess but not the ones that really stand out as a signature of BPD. No black and white thinking, no raging, no walking on eggshells. But other dysfunctional aspects are there. I suppose it's just him having an addictive personality and his brain starting to deteriorate from the drugs and alcohol more.