Those who were here last year: how are you doing now?

[Jonie]

New Years Eve 2013 was one of the worst evenings of my life. I had been silenced for almost a year after a 6-year relationship. Thank God I was able to share the evening with some of you on these boards! So I was wondering: how are you doing since last year? What helped you to get better, what is still difficult?

In general, I’m doing much better. I am still shaken by the experience of having shared 6 years of life with someone and then having been tossed aside for no good reason. He loved me deeply and still had this urge to destruct what we had together. Emotional vandalism… still difficult to come to terms with that.

Main progress: I got rid of the attachment to my BPD-ex! I never expected that to happen so soon, I thought it would take a decade if ever. Reason: I lost all respect for him as a person. The disrespect on his part had been a major issue for me when we were still together, but when I wanted to address that, he shut the door on me. Things only got worse after that. The last bits of respect vanished this summer: he never replied to my requests to start repaying me the money I lent him (I helped him out once, under strict conditions), and started a secret relationship with a woman while secretly messing with her best friend. With the respect, all my feelings of love, passion and longing vanished as well. It is very liberating!

Plus: the endless cycle of ruminating has gone; it felt as an electrical circuit in my brain I couldn’t switch off.

[Turkish]

Interesting that you mention the homeless thing (and yes, what a cruel, heartless, and hypocritical thing to do). I started volunteering with my church's local homeless outreach. I did that on Thanksgiving Day and then the previous month. Somehow, I got stereotyped to provide event security. Apparently, I must look more like this to people:



Last year, my Ex was still living in my home, neglecting then S3 and D1 (not always, but she was "calling it in" as far as being a mother, while pursuing her juvenile r/s and somewhat throwing it in my face).

I'm still angry, but better at acceptance. It's been almost 11 months since she moved out. So I've gotten more involved in the church. I even volunteered to watch the 2 year olds' "class" this past weekend. It made me appreciate how well-behaved my kids were in comparison to two kids in the class who had major behavioral issues.

So I'm focused more on serving, and it provides me with a connection to people. Ten years ago (early 30s Turkish) would have gone Full Hermit. Everybody knows you don't go Full Hermit.

I still read compulsively. I go through periods of depression, but not as severe. No more panic attacks, which lasted for months after she left. I am left alone in the house I bought for my family. I painted a little. Rearranged my bedroom and the kids' room, too (S4 wanted to be like me as he was mightly complaining about me moving my bed around). I've been slowly getting rid of stuff in the house, but not as quickly as I should have. I'm going to watch movies more, and reading a lot more. I've refocused on work, as the past year I was mostly "calling it in." Thank God for a decent man for a boss, and generally decent people I work with. They know, and interestingly think worse of her than I do.

I go for hikes, both with the kids and without, though lighter ones considering I am only willing to go as far as I am willing to carry D2 back to the car. We still managed to go 1.5 miles up and down pretty steep terrain the other week. We went a little farther since my Ex-BIL was with us. They still consider me family, and I do them. I know I'll get invited to spend Christmas Eve with them tonight and my kids, but I just can't sit there with my Ex for that many hours. It seems wrong. So, my boundaries are better. Besides, the last Christmas Eve I spent with her (2012), she started raging at me because I got the wrong color iPad cover for her. She stopped when her SIL said, "what are you upset about, he got you an iPad!" I was able to sell it to a co-worker, luckily, for almost what I paid for it. The Ex gave it back. Part of it was her guilt, and part of it was probably because it had a personal inscription on the back.

[sirensong65]

Well, it's been a very odd year full of ups and downs.  I would like to say I am fine now but I would be lying.

This time last year I was suicidal.  I would get dressed for work, go out in the field ( I am a marketer, lots of out and about in the community)for a few hours or not at all and just cry in my car and either A.) turn around and go home and start drinking til I passed out.  B.) Head to a bar and do the same and they would look in my phone or ask me if they could call someone.  I kept walking my neighborhood at night, ALL NIGHT crying unable to sleep.  When I did sleep I would wake up thinking about walking out of my home into traffic.  If you knew me, you would not recognize the person I became.  

I found this site after my fiance broke off the wedding two days before the ceremony.  I made him move out and things got more bizarre, and he treated me horribly.  I got phyically sick over the stress and my girlfriend had to take me to the hospital, he was called by her and he said he couldn't leave work and I knew, we were done.  It was after I found out he was banging his co worker at the job I helped him get.  And he had been back on the dating sites the entire time we were engaged.  The last few months after a few heart to heart discussions with his ex gf's before me (who are now close friends), I find out I was a replacement for one of them.  He told me he had been single for  months when we met.

Anyway, like you, I still have bouts of depression but no thoughts of harming myself.  More just a feeling I have to FORCE myself to get out there and get moving.  I don't cry over him anymore, I don't want him back, I loathe him actually.  But I wish I could say the ruminations were gone.  I still think of him daily (though none  of it good.)

I was recently alerted that he is spread all over social media with who he calls his new SOULMATE.  I former stripper, Playboy Bunny, WWE wrestler, fetish model and overall trashy piece of garbage.  I am this conservative, Christian mother of three.  This thing has no kids, is also bipolar and LOVES to tell the world they both are (as she puts it, they are the dynamic duo). You can google her name and see the rings on her cervix, attention ___ among other things.  I felt sick the first time I laid eyes on her.  Atleast she came after me, not before.  God knows what she has.

I have to say though, I am happier than I have ever been. I am closer to my family.  I have grown my circle of friends and have the greatest people in my life.  I have a new job with a new company and it is the most rewarding career I have ever had.  And I am so comfortable in my own skin.

I do not date.  I actually took a vow of celibacy.  I have no desire for men or relationships.  I am working on a writing career and something from my bucket list... .Stand up comedy.

I am appearing at  a local club in February and my set is about... .the exBPD and his current love interest.  The material came pouring out of me and has been a huge hit.  So, I chose to take a really nightmarish situation and heal through making others laugh about it.

On a serious note, I plan to start a blog and write a book to help others learn from my experience and spot these people before they become another victim and end up here.

[sirensong65]

Turkish!  I read through all of your posts last year, feel like I know you.

You sound good my friend... .Merry Christmas!   

[merlin4926]

This is good to read.  Last Christmas was horrible and we split up in march - few recycles later I was done and no contact since sept.  I was dreading Xmas BUT I am doing ok, miss him occasionally but my life is so much fuller now.  Had great Xmas eve with friends who really care about me and lots to look forward to. Sad that he can't be in my lift but ultimately very glad too

[nowwhatz]

After over a year of steady r/s with BPDgf I am in terrible financial and emotional shape.

The good news ... .it is over I ended it tonight.  Hope I have hit bottom and can go up from here. Not sure how much more I can take if there is more sinkng.

[patientandclear]

Jonie, great to hear from you. I'd been wondering how things were going for you. And you too, SirenSong!

I'm in a similar place to the two of you. This is a poignant anniversary for me. One year ago my r/ship with my ex exploded for good--I was trying to discuss with him that I could not be an emotional intimate to him because he had replaced my role in his life with a woman he seemed to be passionately pursuing. He got mad and basically told me to have a good life. After so much time and effort to build something strong and good together, I was in physical shock after this series of events. For a long time I had hung onto a belief in us ... .I knew closeness scared him, I was willing to deal with his unusual ways and patterns ... .But I couldn't swallow the feeling of being used and taken for granted.

I loved him so much. But starting a year ago today, I had to give him and us up because it was doing terrible things to my heart and head to be treated that way.

He reached out months ago when that r/s foundered and made an ambiguous overture to resume ... .Resume what, I don't know. I told him no unless things had changed. Never heard from him again. I've had a lot of regret about that--not sure it was the right choice. Never in my life have I second-guessed myself as I have about this r/s--I guess because the elements don't add up and after all this time I don't know what is true and what isn't.

Like you two I feel very very far away from another r/ship. It's like something inside me is permanently frozen or broken. The rest of life is OK, and I can engage in it again (I really know what you mean, Turkish, about phoning it in, which I did for a long time). But there is little joy. And I'm not sure what will change that.

This is just super tough stuff. Happy New Year to all of you.

[myself]

This time last year the breakup was still extremely fresh and, going on the previous pattern of recycles, I wasn't even sure yet if it was really OVER over or not. I had to make a choice. The more it sank in, and the more I sorted through what really was and wasn't, the more I accepted that she and I were done. This last year has been very emotional, having to let go of someone I was so in love with. We had plans to be married and live a life together. This was someone I thought was my most important friend. The depth of the silence and withdrawal has been tremendous. The initial shock has been wearing off. I feel I'm halfway back to normal. Even with the understanding of the disorder, and of my ex personally, some of this will never quite make sense to me. It feels as if I will never be as close with someone else again, and knowing that the closeness I experienced wasn't as close as it seemed makes it that much weirder. It's more of an ache than a pain these days. Life goes on, still holding our heads above the water.

[sirensong65]

Reading through all our responses, it makes me sad.  The common theme is we ARE better, but none of us feel we will ever feel for someone in a deep way for a long, long time... .if ever.

I thought I was handling it very well.  I haven't cried over him or the situation since last February.  I sat watching a movie today and out of no where started crying.  I think it was more about the fact that I just feel SO sad for me.  I know the woman I was before, loving, romantic, hopeful, sexual, confidant and ready to love again.  I sit here now on the cusp of 50 and truly feel, this is it for me. No man, no sex, no love.  I am literally terrified of men in general.  I have zero interest.

[TheDude]

I'm right around the corner from being here 2 years. Kind of the same as the others... .better, clearer, stabilized, but still not where I'd like to be.

I sit here now on the cusp of 50 and truly feel, this is it for me. No man, no sex, no love.  I am literally terrified of men in general.  I have zero interest.

I hear ya. 51 here. For me, it's not women - or even relationships - that terrify me. It's trust in myself to make the right choices. It almost seems that's the one thing I've become worse at over the years. I guess at least I have a specific area to focus on, though apparently not very easy, ya know?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Great post topic and thanks for the opportunity to add to it.

I was here last year, and have been for a couple through my journey into hell.

Infact I could have written merlin4926's post, as it sounds so similar to the timing of my own last demise with exBP.

For me, last Christmas was horrible too, probably the worst of all of them actually, (the entire 4 year relationship trip). March this year was the last break-up instigated by me.

After BP tried to run myself and a member of the public over, that I was talking to at work, (work at a shopping centre), that was the last straw. I had called the Police, because I was so afraid of what he would do next, but they did nothing to him, didn't even try to find him out and about locally in his car with a smashed windscreen, (he had put his fist through it after trying to run me over).

I went NC immediately for the last time, and spent an hour driving all over town to avoid him, in the end he gave up pursuing me in his car, because he had been unemployed for so long he didn't have the money to put more petrol in.

I already figured this out which was how I avoided him returning to my home to continue his war on me.

After this last drama with him, within a day contact from him stopped, and I finally began to grieve.

It was horrible and hard and I was very unproductive for a long time, mostly only getting the basics done, (running my cleaning business and showing up to do the work).

During the relationship span, I was so exhausted from BP's constant sleep deprivation, and work exhaustion, that I put on weight, about 10kg, and this only served to depress me even more. BP was also horrible and nasty about my weight gain when it suited him.

(fat, greedy, selfish were some of his better words!).

By April, my daughter and her partner were moving out of my home, (they had been boarders for a year or so but couldn't handle BP and his need for violence and conflict). They asked if I wanted to stay in my rental and renew the lease after 5 consecutive years, or move out with them into another rental, this time being their responsibility.

At first I said No thanks, but then since I knew that BP was still stalking me, I decided to leave as I figured BP would just keep returning and trying for a recycle, and the horrible pain would go on forever. Once I decided to leave, things were busy for some time, as I was cleaning the old rental out and donating things to recycling that we all wouldn't have room for at the new place. There was a lot of stuff at my home that BP had been hoarding there the whole time, so it was a big job to get rid of it all. That made me angry, and the anger enabled me to channel that into something useful.

At one point before we had vacated the home, we caught BP (on our CCTV) going through our outdoor rubbish bins in the early hours of one morning.  At this stage he didn't realise that I was also moving, so I figured he was still trying to find out where my son in law and daughter were moving to, (obsessed with them and their lives). I had caught him several times sitting in his car at parks close by my home, and he didn't notice that I had seen him, so that confirmed his stalking me was not my imagination.

Anyway, moving house was a wonderful distraction that took the edge off some of the immense pain at that crucial time.

Within a month or so, settling in at the new place over, the mild depression began to return, some days good, others bad and unproductive.

It is still the same now, only a little easier and don't think of him as much, but still most days, some good some bad.

I am the same, I have no desire to enter into another relationship, even sexually I am afraid of. At 46, I guess it doesn't matter that much anyway, and occasionally I chuckle that by the time I have lost weight and regained a little mojo, I will probably be too old to bother!

Sometimes that possibility is horrifying, and at others, it doesn't worry me at all.

Yay

So nice to find yourself here amongst other members words, and we can all find a sense of unity and belonging that we didn't have before.

[Jonie]

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