Lack of intimacy for the non... part 2.

[MissyM]

Sure... .strategies we teach here will help soften the edges of that... .make things livable... .but the vast majorit of this needs to be addressed by trained professionals.

Amen to that!  The strategies have helped me navigate with my dBPDh but we both need professional help in healing our marriage and ourselves.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cole]

FF-

She was all about calling her P for help finding a new T last week. Now she is hesitant again, as she does not trust T's.

In 2007, she was extremely manic, met a guy, and had an affair. She still cries almost daily over the affair and apologizes over and over, though I forgave her long ago.

So why the mistrust of T's? Because he was a psychologist. He knew she was manic and knew exactly what to say and do to get what he wanted. She was not his patient, so there is nothing the state board can do about him.   

We are trying to find her a female T who she can trust. Have not had much luck, though. She cries the entire time, and when the T suggest she may be BPD as well as bipolar she stops going. At least she trust her P and stays on her meds. 

[formflier]

 

Good... .it seems the issue of a T is on the radar.  You will get this worked out as long as you don't "drop it".  Somehow you will find a female T... .or a male T that this can get worked out with.

[Grey Kitty]

Cole, I'm late to the topic but want to separate few things:

1. Your libido is a lot higher than your wife's libido.

Culturally it is normal to blame the person with higher libido, but that isn't valid. If one of you likes country music and the other likes opera, neither one is "wrong"

There still has to be a way to resolve the conflict, and here's the choices:

A. The higher libido partner has less sex than they want/need.

B. The lower libido partner has more sex than they want/need.

C. Both partners find a compromise level somewhere in the middle, both having more or less sex than they want respectively.

D. The higher libido partner has sex with another partner. (Various options of the lower libido partner giving permission, don't ask/don't tell, or not knowing... .)

2. Your wife has a lot of shame and other issues about her sexuality and sexual history.

First, her statement that she will "never" want sex again should be believed... .and also taken with a grain of salt given how a pwBPD believes that their feelings today will never change.

Next, if she is willing to work on this issue, with therapy, etc. it may well be temporary... .although I wouldn't count on a quick resolution.

And working on this shame can complicate things with some of the options A-D above... .

3. Pardon me for being graphic/blunt, but is your wife disinterested in ALL sex, or just specific sex acts like intercourse?

[Cole]

Cole, I'm late to the topic but want to separate few things:

1. Your libido is a lot higher than your wife's libido.

Culturally it is normal to blame the person with higher libido, but that isn't valid. If one of you likes country music and the other likes opera, neither one is "wrong"

There still has to be a way to resolve the conflict, and here's the choices:

A. The higher libido partner has less sex than they want/need.

B. The lower libido partner has more sex than they want/need.

C. Both partners find a compromise level somewhere in the middle, both having more or less sex than they want respectively.

D. The higher libido partner has sex with another partner. (Various options of the lower libido partner giving permission, don't ask/don't tell, or not knowing... .)

2. Your wife has a lot of shame and other issues about her sexuality and sexual history.

First, her statement that she will "never" want sex again should be believed... .and also taken with a grain of salt given how a pwBPD believes that their feelings today will never change.

Next, if she is willing to work on this issue, with therapy, etc. it may well be temporary... .although I wouldn't count on a quick resolution.

And working on this shame can complicate things with some of the options A-D above... .

3. Pardon me for being graphic/blunt, but is your wife disinterested in ALL sex, or just specific sex acts like intercourse?

And that is the confusing part. Her libido has always been as strong as mine. Every day used to be the norm.

She will say things like, "Why do you have to look so good?" or "Why do you have to smell so good?" and then get up and walk away like she really wanted to but just can't.

I think Crumbling hit it right square on the head the other day; she wants to, but is punishing herself.

[formflier]

 

So... do you guys "make out"? 

Sexual touching but not intercourse?

[formflier]

 

Would she take a shower with you and scrub your back? Vice versa?

[Grey Kitty]

And that is the confusing part. Her libido has always been as strong as mine. Every day used to be the norm.

She will say things like, "Why do you have to look so good?" or "Why do you have to smell so good?" and then get up and walk away like she really wanted to but just can't.

I think Crumbling hit it right square on the head the other day; she wants to, but is punishing herself.

If a libido mismatch isn't likely the problem, options to deal with it aren't likely to be good for your marriage.

It sounds a lot more like black-and-white thinking about her own sexuality... .punishing herself (and you along the way!)

Good luck helping her navigate this.

[Cole]

And that is the confusing part. Her libido has always been as strong as mine. Every day used to be the norm.

She will say things like, "Why do you have to look so good?" or "Why do you have to smell so good?" and then get up and walk away like she really wanted to but just can't.

I think Crumbling hit it right square on the head the other day; she wants to, but is punishing herself.

If a libido mismatch isn't likely the problem, options to deal with it aren't likely to be good for your marriage.

It sounds a lot more like black-and-white thinking about her own sexuality... .punishing herself (and you along the way!)

Good luck helping her navigate this.

That's what I am thinking. I suppose the good part is she knows it is a problem and wants to find a new T.

[Cole]

So... do you guys "make out"? 

Sexual touching but not intercourse?

Nope. Nothing even remotely intimate.

From one extreme to the other. Is that a BPD trait? (Asked with extreme sarcasm!)

[formflier]

Nope. Nothing even remotely intimate.

From one extreme to the other. Is that a BPD trait? (Asked with extreme sarcasm!)

Wow... so... .if you guys are looking for a T... .maybe better to hold off and work this through with the T.

[Cole]

Nope. Nothing even remotely intimate.

From one extreme to the other. Is that a BPD trait? (Asked with extreme sarcasm!)

Wow... so... .if you guys are looking for a T... .maybe better to hold off and work this through with the T.

That is my thought. I am her spouse, cannot be her T, as well.

[formflier]

 

And... you would only "want to make moves" on her... towards her... under the direction of the T... .she can help find mutual agreement.