First post, could use some advice

[noahspath]

Hey everyone,

This forum has been an amazing resource for me these past few weeks and I would like to extend a heartfelt 'thank you' for this archive. Recently I have felt trapped and lonely and bpdfamily has offered information that not only answers the innumerable questions I have, but provides me with skills to feel grounded in a complicated situation.

Currently I am not in a romantic relationship with my ex. We experienced a series of arguments that resulted in our separation. We're living together with her 17mo old baby, a roommate and my ex's sister. I'm moving out on the 1st of January. My ex has not been diagnosed with BPD as far as I know, but my experiences with her match those of a dysfunctional BPD relationship. To the key, actually. Almost everything I have learned about this condition is a mirror of our relationship.

I would like to address some behavior of mine that I believe has not helped the situation. To put it short, I have stonewalled my ex. My understanding of this behavior is this;

1. When she rages, I feel unlovable and devalued. It's very confusing, hurtful and I am in disbelief of her behavior. I think to myself "I would never do this to anyone, so the fact that she does it to me must mean she doesn't love and respect me."

2. When she rages and I fight back I become afraid of my potential to be angry. Basically, I don't want to redefine my personal boundaries for anger. Once I threw a pillow and immediately felt horrible about it. What happens if I allow myself to throw something more dense or worse, hit her? This is a frightening possibility. I have never experienced physical bursts like this (or intense, hurtful fighting, for that matter). Shutting down is my way of disallowing myself to respond in a way that could cause physical harm. I'm also aware of how awful it feels to insult and hurt someone you love and I am unwilling to do that.

3. Being silent and shutting down temporarily helps with self preservation. Sometimes, during arguments I reach a point where I feel the need to protect myself so I can maintain a semblance of personal stability. It's a very primal response. I'm aware it's not productive, but without the tools to navigate these arguments it's one of my only defenses.

I know stonewalling is awful and destructive to relationships. Criticism, guilt, verbal and emotional abuse are also very destructive to relationships. It's only in the aftermath of our dysfunction that I discover a resource for navigating BPD rages and it's both enlightening and disheartening. Honestly, I'm not sure she would be open to continuing the relationship. She has said she loves me and wants to be friends, but has also told me we will never be friends and has started dating.

I recently entered therapy, as did she. Our plan was to go to individual therapists and have a couples counselor. A series of intense arguments occurred right before all these plans took form and we separated. That is sad to me and I wonder about our potential to have a functional relationship. If we were to stay together, I accept that I would have to do a lot of work on myself. In a way, I've already started practicing radical acceptance. There's a lot more to tell, but this is an introduction. Anyone have advice or insights for this situation? Again, thank you for being here - this is such a valuable resource. And Happy Holidays!

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Noahspath, 

I am happy you found us. You have a great start with reading many of the resources this site has to offer. 

I think it is admirable that you have taken the steps to work on yourself and recognize your contribution to the relationship. 

I am sorry that you have had difficulties with your relationship.   You mentioned the potential to have a functional relationship with a pwBPD. I think any relationship takes hard work.  As you mentioned that the both of you are in therapy to work on your own issues.  That is a step in the right direction. 

Do you want to try to reconnect?  Have you had a conversation with her about reconnecting?  What are your expectations?

[noahspath]

EaglesJuju,

Thank you for the kind words. I agree that any relationship requires work. To answer your question, I do want to try reconnecting and have not had a conversation about that yet. We have only just begun to speak again and it's very limited. I try to attach value to my approach - offering to watch her baby so she can go to the gym, wishing her a Merry Christmas, cooking food for her baby while she takes a shower in the morning. These are things I want to do and I know she appreciates them. So, I feel good about where things may be headed.

As for my expectations, that's a big question. Honestly, I expect her to be the person she has revealed herself to be. She will not change over night or potentially ever. I accept that. I can change myself, however, and if that means I learn how to handle high conflict situations and define boundaries then everybody wins. I don't expect to rekindle a romance - for 7 months I had this peripheral awareness that our emotional intimacy was barely growing, so I can't expect that to change. My intention is to let her know I care about her and her baby, I appreciate and support her. There's a lot more processing to do and your question about expectations helps with that.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Noahspath,

It sounds like you are headed in the right direction.    Learning how to effectively communicate with a pwBPD and how to diffuse high conflict situations is very helpful.  Here is some literature that has really helped me communicate more effectively with my pwBPD. 

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it