I still am kind of struggling with my self-worth.
In the rs she really let me feel like I was the submissive and weak one for actually being patient, compassionate and empathic. But deep down I know that this really is my strenght.
I was even able to say goodbye to her in a really caring and genuine way.
So why am I still afraid of her actions? I shouldn't.
I can't predict the future, but I can control my actions.
Those are some really important pieces of knowledge you have about yourself!
There's a dynamic in these relationships that can lead us to doubt ourselves. I know my uBPDh can twist the truth into a pretzel! I had a long period of time with him where I had constant self-doubt. Like you said, it's not all them and we have our part--usually it was that we quit listening to our own instincts and believed the twisted truth that, for instance, your patience, compassion and empathy were instead an example of your weakness and submission. These distorted truths are so common in a relationship with someone with BPD.
I know that I was so jumpy with my uBPDh--it was almost like I felt he had superpowers and I had to stay on my toes but I was constantly caught off guard. I think that leads to our fear right after we're out of the relationship. I felt like I was dealing with a big bully and waiting for him to come around the corner.
And yes, the biggest magic, you know that you only have control over what you do. I had to work at having a bland response to my uBPDh because we'd been together so long I felt pretty much conditioned to jump and worry, and he still guilts me and tries to shame me and act superior, but it's up to me how I respond.
You are so well on your way to healing with the things you understand!