What if you can't completely go no contact?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’m detaching. I can feel it. I’m getting better each day. And even though the holidays I really feel better without my exBPDgf. Of course I think of her from time to time, but I don’t obsess about her like I used to. I accepted that I still struggle sometimes but accepting just that also helped me. When I was beginning with NC I always stressed myself about still feeling the things I felt. Now I’m like „Why stress about that ___? I’m healing, it takes time. That’s fine. I’ll make it through.“ So mostly I’m getting fine.

But there’s one thing really bugging me. I still don’t have the chance to go NC fully. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not communicating with her but she’s still in a WhatsApp-group-chat of our sport’s team. We used to play in the team but she left it. I actually can’t ask my coach to remove her because other old team mates who don’t play anymore are also still in that group (they are because they sometimes visit matches), so yeah. Now I know I can’t make her leave the group, I can’t control the things she does but only my reaction to it. So I decided I won’t write in that group anymore because she reads there. It might sound childish but I just feel like not writing in that group will help me to detach better. But I know I can’t withdraw from that group forever because we use that group to inform the others when being absent in practice or other important stuff. Right now I write my coach personal messages to inform him but sometimes other team-mates should now about what I’m writing as well. But it’s not just about that, the actual reason why this is pissing me off is the fact that I still feel restricted by my exBPDgf who‘s not in the team anymore (I already felt restricted when being in a relationship with her  I just don’t want that anymore). I know I only feel restricted because I think a certain way about it and maybe I should not give a ___ about it an write anyway. I just don’t know what’s the right thing to do. I don’t want to feel controlled so I could take control and still write there. But then I feel like I still have some weird connecting with her through a third party and I don’t want that. I jsut don’t know which way is the better to be able to detach fully.

I also thought of changing my phone number in case she’d try to reach out to me at some point. Right now she’s doing that only through a third party. She’s showing up at matches of our team to watch us play (but she actually hated the team in the end and that’s the reason she left). But I’m afraid she might try to contact me and I don’t want to be even tempted to answer her. But I can’t even change my phone number due to the fact she’d still see it in our group-chat. Leaving the team-chat is no option because even though I won’t write in it I read the important information. Besides from that the team doesn’t really know what happened between the two of us so they’d feel dumbstruck if I’d leave the chat.

And besides from that… I really truly wanted to get rid of her phone number (thank God I don’t know her number by heart) but even that is impossible because she’s in the group. Don’t get me wrong. I deleted her number months ago and I’m not in any danger to write or phone her. But still it’s different from really not having the number anymore.

Sometimes I feel like she just tries to make it impossible for me to forget her. Like a parasite. O.o

So what to do? I know I’m the only one who knows what’s best. I really am glad I got out of that toxic relationship and am actually thankful she discarded me in the end. It was the only right/good thing she did for me. In the end I just wanted out and to stop all of this insanity. So what should I do? Still write in that group? I just don’t want to feel watched anymore. She has no right to. At the other hand I don’t want to withdraw and withhold from that group anymore either. So what now? Write in it anyway (so she exactly knows where I am/will be regarding practice/matches)? Or not write in it to go NC fully and detach completely?

[misty_red]

I’m detaching. I can feel it. I’m getting better each day. And even though the holidays I really feel better without my exBPDgf. Of course I think of her from time to time, but I don’t obsess about her like I used to. I accepted that I still struggle sometimes but accepting just that also helped me. When I was beginning with NC I always stressed myself about still feeling the things I felt. Now I’m like „Why stress about that ___? I’m healing, it takes time. That’s fine. I’ll make it through.“ So mostly I’m getting fine.

But there’s one thing really bugging me. I still don’t have the chance to go NC fully. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not communicating with her but she’s still in a WhatsApp-group-chat of our sport’s team. We used to play in the team but she left it. I actually can’t ask my coach to remove her because other old team mates who don’t play anymore are also still in that group (they are because they sometimes visit matches), so yeah. Now I know I can’t make her leave the group, I can’t control the things she does but only my reaction to it. So I decided I won’t write in that group anymore because she reads there. It might sound childish but I just feel like not writing in that group will help me to detach better. But I know I can’t withdraw from that group forever because we use that group to inform the others when being absent in practice or other important stuff. Right now I write my coach personal messages to inform him but sometimes other team-mates should now about what I’m writing as well. But it’s not just about that, the actual reason why this is pissing me off is the fact that I still feel restricted by my exBPDgf who‘s not in the team anymore (I already felt restricted when being in a relationship with her  I just don’t want that anymore). I know I only feel restricted because I think a certain way about it and maybe I should not give a ___ about it an write anyway. I just don’t know what’s the right thing to do. I don’t want to feel controlled so I could take control and still write there. But then I feel like I still have some weird connecting with her through a third party and I don’t want that. I jsut don’t know which way is the better to be able to detach fully.

I also thought of changing my phone number in case she’d try to reach out to me at some point. Right now she’s doing that only through a third party. She’s showing up at matches of our team to watch us play (but she actually hated the team in the end and that’s the reason she left). But I’m afraid she might try to contact me and I don’t want to be even tempted to answer her. But I can’t even change my phone number due to the fact she’d still see it in our group-chat. Leaving the team-chat is no option because even though I won’t write in it I read the important information. Besides from that the team doesn’t really know what happened between the two of us so they’d feel dumbstruck if I’d leave the chat.

And besides from that… I really truly wanted to get rid of her phone number (thank God I don’t know her number by heart) but even that is impossible because she’s in the group. Don’t get me wrong. I deleted her number months ago and I’m not in any danger to write or phone her. But still it’s different from really not having the number anymore.

Sometimes I feel like she just tries to make it impossible for me to forget her. Like a parasite. O.o

So what to do? I know I’m the only one who knows what’s best. I really am glad I got out of that toxic relationship and am actually thankful she discarded me in the end. It was the only right/good thing she did for me. In the end I just wanted out and to stop all of this insanity. So what should I do? Still write in that group? I just don’t want to feel watched anymore. She has no right to. At the other hand I don’t want to withdraw and withhold from that group anymore either. So what now? Write in it anyway (so she exactly knows where I am/will be regarding practice/matches)? Or not write in it to go NC fully and detach completely?

[Elpis]

I recently re-read an article around here about what detachment really means, and it's much more about our own attitude than it is about never being near them in writing or otherwise. I think of it as working toward the detaching till I reach the point where what my uBPDh says or does isn't of any more interest to me than what a stranger might. Like my feelings are no longer tied up with his feelings or with what he says or does.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm 

It's this--both the article and the "A Reader Writes" sidebar. Good stuff. If you really want to still be in the group you can achieve a way of thinking that isn't even fussed about when or if your ex is in the group. That's a process of course, but that's real detachment, the 5th stage of Detachment as outlined in the right hand sidebar of this Leaving board.

(i'm still working that direction too... .)

[misty_red]

Elpis, thank you very much for your advice. I guess you are right. I mean, when I think of all the people in my life I've been with (not that many) and they hurt me in one way or another I was able to detach even though they were around me for some time. They weren't BPD but still I was able to detach. So maybe with a BPD it only takes some time longer because they are good in destroying your self-worth (I know it was my fault also, I don't want to blame everything on the BPD, don't get me wrong). I guess It's also about the way I view myself. Worrying about not being able to detach might mean that I still am a bit anxious about her when in reality I was/am the stronger one. After the b/u I never asked for a reconciliation. Yet she is the one showing up. I still am kind of struggling with my self-worth. In the rs she really let me feel like I was the submissive and weak one for actually being patient, compassionate and empathic. But deep down I know that this really is my strenght. I was even able to say goodbye to her in a really caring and genuine way. So why am I still afraid of her actions? I shouldn't. She's going out of her way to see me, she's behaving in weird ways everyone else noticed already.

I even am able to not react in any way when she's around. And maybe eventually she will give up. The first time she showed up my heart was racing like hell. I didn't expect it, I thought she was out of my life for good. Second time I actually wanted to laugh because I thought she's just a joke and her behaviour is pathetic. So yeah, I am boring for her. I know that. She doesn't get any reaction from me anymore. I just don't know if this makes her give up or actually just upping the ante. But it shouldn't matter, right? I should be able to manage every situation that's coming. I can't predict the future, but I can control my actions.

[Elpis]

I still am kind of struggling with my self-worth.

In the rs she really let me feel like I was the submissive and weak one for actually being patient, compassionate and empathic. But deep down I know that this really is my strenght.

I was even able to say goodbye to her in a really caring and genuine way.

So why am I still afraid of her actions? I shouldn't.

I can't predict the future, but I can control my actions.

Those are some really important pieces of knowledge you have about yourself!

There's a dynamic in these relationships that can lead us to doubt ourselves. I know my uBPDh can twist the truth into a pretzel! I had a long period of time with him where I had constant self-doubt. Like you said, it's not all them and we have our part--usually it was that we quit listening to our own instincts and believed the twisted truth that, for instance, your patience, compassion and empathy were instead an example of your weakness and submission. These distorted truths are so common in a relationship with someone with BPD.

I know that I was so jumpy with my uBPDh--it was almost like I felt he had superpowers and I had to stay on my toes but I was constantly caught off guard. I think that leads to our fear right after we're out of the relationship. I felt like I was dealing with a big bully and waiting for him to come around the corner.

And yes, the biggest magic, you know that you only have control over what you do. I had to work at having a bland response to my uBPDh because we'd been together so long I felt pretty much conditioned to jump and worry, and he still guilts me and tries to shame me and act superior, but it's up to me how I respond.

You are so well on your way to healing with the things you understand!