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Author Topic: I fell in love with her way too fast. Did you?  (Read 461 times)
Xidion
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« on: December 26, 2014, 12:16:09 AM »

I was looking through my own facebook at old posts. I found one that I sent to her wall that said "I hope you're having a good day at work. I wanted you to know that I love you with all of my heart and soul". She replied with "I'm proud to be called yours". This was only 3 months into the relationship.

Looking back, I see I had some severe co-dependancy issues and this girl latched her hooks DEEP into me from the get go. Why was I so eager to love? I think I have some serious issues of my own to address. I can't blame it all on her. If I was aware of red flags and had any sort of boundaries, I wouldn't have let any of this happen.
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #1 on: December 26, 2014, 12:28:14 AM »

Yeah, was in love and married after we dated for a year. I plan on dating the future girl for at least 20 years before I would marry her just to make sure she isn't BPD-ish.
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Xidion
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« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2014, 12:31:14 AM »

Yeah, was in love and married after we dated for a year. I plan on dating the future girl for at least 20 years before I would marry her just to make sure she isn't BPD-ish.

Man... I've already told myself that I will go through several date screening processes before I ever get emotionally attached to another girl.
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Infern0
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« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2014, 12:32:04 AM »

Same here,  it's weird but at the start I was kinda Meh on her but the idealization process won me over in a big way.
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Xidion
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« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2014, 12:33:09 AM »

Same here,  it's weird but at the start I was kinda Meh on her but the idealization process won me over in a big way.

It's addicting man. Her idealizing me kinda made me idealize her too... .
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mallard3868

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« Reply #5 on: December 26, 2014, 01:01:33 AM »

Same here! ... .and of course the sex was super great and she is super hot so that didn't leave me with much of a chance!

I couldn't live without her! ... .little did I know!
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SlyQQ
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« Reply #6 on: December 26, 2014, 03:33:24 AM »

It didnt help me took it slowly laughed of the idealization even asked a mutual friend what she was like before i went ahead he said " she was a lot of fun" didnt take the hint
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PaintedBlack28
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« Reply #7 on: December 26, 2014, 04:12:39 AM »

Of course, right away. I was pretty vulnerable due having an ongoing ugly divorce situation, and she might have detected my needs very easily. Massive idealization + great sex and I was to take the ride of my life. Looking back, I can say that the BPD interaction made more damage in the span of eight months than the 23-year failed marriage with two kids. By that you can realize the devastating effect of running onto a pwBPD.

Merry Christmas, happy holidays to y'all, stay strong. 
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misty_red
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« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2014, 04:25:13 AM »

Hmm, that's a good question.

When I got to know her I actually didn't like her but was drawn to her anyway - maybe because of that? I don't know. I tried to avoid her because something was telling me it wouldn't be good to get to know her. I actually could smell the BPD miles away when I'd only seen her once (I used to grow up with two BPDs and one NPD so I guess I am able to sense cluster-bs quite accurate). But my highself was telling me to not being prejudiced and give everyone a chance so I did. When you grow up in a cluser-b surrounding you somehow might feel familiar (in a sick way, I know) with someone with BPD. Maybe that's the reason I was drawn to her from the beginning. So I opnened up and so did she. She approached very intensively and on our first date we made out, on the second we already had sex. By that time I had been having a crush on her for about three months. But because of my knowledge about her problems I could not open up to her fully. I guess she felt that and upped the ante. And after that I fell for her very, very hard.

So I don't think I fell in love her too fast, it was actually more about being under some weird spell, like she was being a siren or something like that. But still I should've listened to my gut in the first place. I knew she was suffering from a mental illness from the beginning and I didn't trust my gut... .
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hergestridge
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« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2014, 05:54:33 AM »

My feelings were kind of irrelevant. She planned everything. The frequency of meeting, the frequency of sex, "the next step". Not going with her plan... .I just didn't have the guts. She hinted to me she would kill herself. I started loving her much later.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #10 on: December 26, 2014, 05:56:19 AM »

Hmm, that's a good question.

When I got to know her I actually didn't like her but was drawn to her anyway - maybe because of that? I don't know. I tried to avoid her because something was telling me it wouldn't be good to get to know her. I actually could smell the BPD miles away when I'd only seen her once (I used to grow up with two BPDs and one NPD so I guess I am able to sense cluster-bs quite accurate). But my highself was telling me to not being prejudiced and give everyone a chance so I did. When you grow up in a cluser-b surrounding you somehow might feel familiar (in a sick way, I know) with someone with BPD. Maybe that's the reason I was drawn to her from the beginning. So I opnened up and so did she. She approached very intensively and on our first date we made out, on the second we already had sex. By that time I had been having a crush on her for about three months. But because of my knowledge about her problems I could not open up to her fully. I guess she felt that and upped the ante. And after that I fell for her very, very hard.

So I don't think I fell in love her too fast, it was actually more about being under some weird spell, like she was being a siren or something like that. But still I should've listened to my gut in the first place. I knew she was suffering from a mental illness from the beginning and I didn't trust my gut... .

Funny, when I started to get to know her in the beginning, I also felt something was 'off'. I didn't like her that much, the way she looked at the world, the way she talked about others, and the way she was trying to take over my entire life. I kept pushing her away because I felt something was off. But she was so insistent and so obsessive and made me feel so important that I took her back again and again. Until I was really in love with her, then she would change and it was all about her. Suddenly I couldn't do nothing good anymore. I was like a god for her and then she pulled me down from the clouds so fast.
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MrConfusedWithItAll
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« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2014, 06:09:36 AM »

Hmm, that's a good question.

When I got to know her I actually didn't like her but was drawn to her anyway - maybe because of that? I don't know. I tried to avoid her because something was telling me it wouldn't be good to get to know her. I actually could smell the BPD miles away when I'd only seen her once (I used to grow up with two BPDs and one NPD so I guess I am able to sense cluster-bs quite accurate). But my highself was telling me to not being prejudiced and give everyone a chance so I did. When you grow up in a cluser-b surrounding you somehow might feel familiar (in a sick way, I know) with someone with BPD. Maybe that's the reason I was drawn to her from the beginning. So I opnened up and so did she. She approached very intensively and on our first date we made out, on the second we already had sex. By that time I had been having a crush on her for about three months. But because of my knowledge about her problems I could not open up to her fully. I guess she felt that and upped the ante. And after that I fell for her very, very hard.

So I don't think I fell in love her too fast, it was actually more about being under some weird spell, like she was being a siren or something like that. But still I should've listened to my gut in the first place. I knew she was suffering from a mental illness from the beginning and I didn't trust my gut... .

Funny, when I started to get to know her in the beginning, I also felt something was 'off'. I didn't like her that much, the way she looked at the world, the way she talked about others, and the way she was trying to take over my entire life. I kept pushing her away because I felt something was off. But she was so insistent and so obsessive and made me feel so important that I took her back again and again. Until I was really in love with her, then she would change and it was all about her. Suddenly I couldn't do nothing good anymore. I was like a god for her and then she pulled me down from the clouds so fast.

Did we date the same gal? On the first date she came across as having a chip on her shoulder.  Mass groups of people such as tories or middle class rural England were considered wholly bad (splitting).  Only certain cities were worth living in, etc (more splitting).  I am or rather was fairly laid back so just ignored these red flags because she had many fine things about her as well - well spoken, intelligent, a good mother (was wrong about that one), solvent, resourceful etc.  I had no idea I was walking head first into the perfect storm.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2014, 07:29:14 AM »

Hmm, that's a good question.

When I got to know her I actually didn't like her but was drawn to her anyway - maybe because of that? I don't know. I tried to avoid her because something was telling me it wouldn't be good to get to know her. I actually could smell the BPD miles away when I'd only seen her once (I used to grow up with two BPDs and one NPD so I guess I am able to sense cluster-bs quite accurate). But my highself was telling me to not being prejudiced and give everyone a chance so I did. When you grow up in a cluser-b surrounding you somehow might feel familiar (in a sick way, I know) with someone with BPD. Maybe that's the reason I was drawn to her from the beginning. So I opnened up and so did she. She approached very intensively and on our first date we made out, on the second we already had sex. By that time I had been having a crush on her for about three months. But because of my knowledge about her problems I could not open up to her fully. I guess she felt that and upped the ante. And after that I fell for her very, very hard.

So I don't think I fell in love her too fast, it was actually more about being under some weird spell, like she was being a siren or something like that. But still I should've listened to my gut in the first place. I knew she was suffering from a mental illness from the beginning and I didn't trust my gut... .

Funny, when I started to get to know her in the beginning, I also felt something was 'off'. I didn't like her that much, the way she looked at the world, the way she talked about others, and the way she was trying to take over my entire life. I kept pushing her away because I felt something was off. But she was so insistent and so obsessive and made me feel so important that I took her back again and again. Until I was really in love with her, then she would change and it was all about her. Suddenly I couldn't do nothing good anymore. I was like a god for her and then she pulled me down from the clouds so fast.

Did we date the same gal? On the first date she came across as having a chip on her shoulder.  Mass groups of people such as tories or middle class rural England were considered wholly bad (splitting).  Only certain cities were worth living in, etc (more splitting).  I am or rather was fairly laid back so just ignored these red flags because she had many fine things about her as well - well spoken, intelligent, a good mother (was wrong about that one), solvent, resourceful etc.  I had no idea I was walking head first into the perfect storm.

I think we all date the same women or variations of it. It helps to keep that in mind when seperated, its not us, its them. Of course we have our share in being co-dependant, but the behaviour of these people is so recognisable, you would be insane to doubt if its really her or you. I still struggle with it, of course, because we're so brainwashed.
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sirensong65
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« Reply #13 on: December 26, 2014, 08:32:11 AM »

Hold on here, this isn't a boys club... .I too, was pulled in by a cunning BPD.  Sirens aren't always women! 

When I reflected back on this I realized I saw HUGE red flags on the first date.  I thought he came across weird and creepy.  He was cute, but I wouldn't call him ragingly handsome. 

We talk about the creepy look they can give.  I saw that on the first night.  It was time for the evening to end, I was tired and ready to wrap things up and as he was leaving he turned around and gave this creepy, longing type look.  Hard to describe but definitely weird and more so because it was the first night we met.  It was like he was devastated the night was ending or something.

Second thing that night was the fact  that I was talking and he just out of nowhere, jumped up from his seat and laid one on me.  I was shocked, but he quickly recovered saying, "I'm sorry, I have been wanting to do that all night, I am just SO attracted to you I can barely contain myself!"

From that night forward, he was pursuing me hard and I felt uncomfortable about it.  Let me state, I am an attractive woman, my dance card has always been full if I wanted it to be.  So, attention from the opposite sex has never been a problem.  But no one had ever gushed over me quite like this guy.  Anyway, the next serious flag was he desire to spend practically ever waking moment together.  I wanted to go slow in this.  I wasn't that smitten in the beginning to be honest.  And I remember in particular, that Halloween night, he wanted to come over and I had SO much paperwork to do for my job, my kids are older so they were going to head out in the neighborhood for a bit and all I wanted to do is stay home ALONE and do my work.  He pouted and got pissed.  Later I found out he went to who I THOUGHT was a gal he dated a couple of times months before we met and wat ched a movie.  She said they had sex.  SHE contacted me on FB and tried to warn me about 6 weeks later. But he convinced me she was some girl he met online, went out with TWICE and then he dumped her cause she was not his type and SHE came on strong.  Turns out she WAS dating him when I met him (he said he had been single for months), and he dropped her after he was sure he had me on the hook.

Sorry for the long story, but in short, I had MANY opportunities to bail, many warning signs I ignored.  We were living together after 7 weeks, Engaged in as many  months, and done in a year... .called off wedding two days before.  Turns out he was NEVER off the dating site.  He was pursuing MANY, MANY women during the time he lived with me.  Including sleeping with his co worker. 

I have NEVER done anything like this before and I know now that I too, have a problem and he could smell my co dependency a mile away.  It also helped him that we talked via text and on the phone A LOT before we met in person.  He knew ALL by that time, and made me think he had opened up to me more easily than anyone ever. Turns out this is part of his routine to extract your hot buttons and it works like a charm.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #14 on: December 26, 2014, 08:45:22 AM »

Sorry, of course there are men out there with the same behaviour. Didn't mean it like that. 
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no_ordinary
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« Reply #15 on: December 26, 2014, 09:09:10 AM »

i fell in love with the idea of her... .

almost instantly... .welldone, you fool.

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downwhim
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« Reply #16 on: December 26, 2014, 09:44:44 AM »

Sirensong65,

Sounds way too familiar.

I did not like him at first. I was not attracted to him. He and I were of way different backgrounds and education levels. I was re-doing a condo after my divorce and he started to come over everyday and paint. He literally did not want to be away from me. For two months we remained friends. He got to know me and said very little about himself. He then asked me out to a movie and afterward gave me the most sensuous kiss ever. We started having incredible sex, all the time... .this is after an unaffectionate marriage.

He pursued me with flowers, jewelry, and we took trips together to Mexico and Las Vegas. Fun and addicting at the same time. I noticed red flags like the fact he was on painkillers, he got moody, he had younger kids and did not stay married long. He was on disability and had lots of free time to do nothing... .He apparently dated a woman the two months we were getting to know one another and dumped her when we started having sex. He has done the same thing to me now. Recycle.

Every night he wanted to be together. He could not be alone. He called me beautiful and charmed me and played his cards just right to hook me in. It took 9 months before the first rage.

Looking back he was NOT my type and I tried hard to change him to be my type. We were and are not a match and things happened way to fast and lasted way too long. 8 years of my life I wasted with someone who could not commit, lied, cheated and put a mask on that I fell for.

I was vulnerable after my divorce and I wanted someone so badly.   's everywhere but I did not want to be alone and face the fact I was a single mom with two kids at home for the first time ever. I did not know anything about borderlines except what I read in a psychology class years before.

Little did I know my world would be turned around. Anxiety, depression, uncertainty, health issues, tears, stomach in knots... all of this over the years. I had no self esteem left and 2015 is my time to get it back and work on myself. He took me from me and I let him.
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Pingo
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« Reply #17 on: December 26, 2014, 11:48:37 AM »

I too fell quickly in love.  We went on 4 dates and I definitely liked him but still wasn't head over heels.  5th date we were intimate.  After that we couldn't get enough of each other, it was an addiction like nothing I've experienced. 

My T suggests dating for at least 3 mths before becoming intimate.  This would be quite different for me, never been one to take things terribly slow.  But it makes sense.  Because once sex is part of the equation, our hormones go crazy, all those neurochemical reactions in the brain that make us bond to one another are raging.  It's hard to think straight and make wise choices.  And by 3 mths together you start to see people for who they really are.
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sirensong65
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« Reply #18 on: December 26, 2014, 12:11:14 PM »

I too fell quickly in love.  We went on 4 dates and I definitely liked him but still wasn't head over heels.  5th date we were intimate.  After that we couldn't get enough of each other, it was an addiction like nothing I've experienced. 

My T suggests dating for at least 3 mths before becoming intimate.  This would be quite different for me, never been one to take things terribly slow.  But it makes sense.  Because once sex is part of the equation, our hormones go crazy, all those neurochemical reactions in the brain that make us bond to one another are raging.  It's hard to think straight and make wise choices.  And by 3 mths together you start to see people for who they really are.

Well, since I can say now that I hit THREE BPD type men in a row (didn't know it til recently) I can safely say that if I had gone by that rule, I can almost guarantee, all three would have moved on quickly if I didn't "fall" on a intimate level fairly quickly.  Again, if you read about these types, that IS their barometer as to whether or not they are worthy.  If you reject too much in the beginning, they will quickly give chase elsewhere as the rejection is too painful for them.
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Trog
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« Reply #19 on: December 26, 2014, 03:15:44 PM »

I thought so, but after some months of understanding her and all the pain and misery in our relationship I don't believe anymore that I did love her. I found her sexually attractive but I didn't respect her opinions and was frequently ashamed of her, I didn't introduce her to my friends because she behaved inappropriately and she was so controlling and made me chase my tail like a dog, it wasn't love and realising it wasn't love actually makes me much more hopeful for the future and finding true love. Unfortunately I married her, out of fear and obligation, if I had one wish, it would be to never have married her. I needed the sh9t relationship to grow but I really should not have married it.
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #20 on: December 26, 2014, 03:59:33 PM »

When I first met her I thought she was beautiful. I had no interest in dating another woman. I was dating a guy at the time and was happy. She was persistent.  The first time we hung out together she got totally drunk. Every thing in my gut said "run."  I didn't. We ended  up dating and I fell head over heels in love with her. I knew she was an alcoholic and I knew she had a very abusive past. I just couldn't stay away... .I was addicted. So here I am after six years. Four months post break up and three  months NC.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #21 on: December 26, 2014, 05:52:45 PM »

Oh yes. Mirroring is strong. Little did I know we mirrored each other. I changed myself to match his ideals and I attached very strongly.

In hindsight I was completely boundary-less. These types of relationships are built on very shakey foundations. Destined to crumble.
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