Lost my cool

[Depression = 72% of members]

Yeah.  I did.  I have written before about my financial situation so I won't go into much back detail other than to say that I am waiting for my permanent disability to come through.  Living off savings since march 2013 and finally had to get some help from my brother to pay my mortgage December and looks like I might need to again for january too.  The thing is, while I got a 'fully favorable' decision letter dated 11/5 (following my hearing on 10/20) the gov't can take as long as 60 days to send me my 'award' letter and then it can be 2 weeks or longer before I even see a check.  My lawyer can do nothing about this.  I just have to wait. 

In the meantime, since day one with the whole health issue and having to stop working, my brother has responded in such a way that only adds to the stress I feel about this.  I know how he is.  He cares and he worries and gets upset and I understand that but he handles it in such a way that he actually makes it very difficult to even want to talk to him about things.  I'm now left dealing with my own stress and worry about money never mind serious health issues and have had to deal with *his* stress and worry on top of it.  I resent it.  This is a learned thing he got from our mother.  Every blasted time something happened to me as a kid, if and when i told my mother about it, I had to then deal with making her feel better about things.  I was left taking care of her when I was the one falling apart inside and hurting.

Same thing happened today and a few weeks ago.  I finally lost my cool and while talking with my brother on the phone, I blew up at him and yelled (okay, I was almost screaming at him).  I had called to say hello and see how his day went yesterday with the in-laws and to see if I could visit to play with my nephew.  They are all tired out so he said no and I was fine with that.  I get being tired.    He then asked where I got the money for the gifts I gave them and I explained that I had been hoarding money and went on line and cashed in gift cards that others gave me over the year, cards for coffee places, etc, that are quite nice but are not necessities and I decided not to keep them for a treat for myself so i could buy gifts for my nephew, SIL and bro come Christmas.  Nothing big, but the point is, I was not really spending money... .I was hoarding and sort of re-gifting!  Also, I was asked to participate in a research study before my recent biopsy and then surgery and I got $100.00 for it!  SCORE!  So I hoarded and was able to give stuff to people I care about.  It all added up to maybe $175.00.  Not bad but no where near enough to cover a months bills so I decided to enjoy it the way i wanted to enjoy it. 

So I told him where the money came from and I got a lecture about how I should have saved the money to pay my bills, that I need to get on the lawyers to get my money and I need to call the government and tell them that I have no money, he paid my mortgage, etc.  He also tells me I need to speak with people in person... .clearly the guy has not dealt with very many lawyers or government entities!  He is full of orders and has it all figured out telling me I am too passive and nice and I need to speak up.  I told him I am not willing to piss off the people who are responsible for processing my paperwork and who will be sending my check through the system and that I have done everything I can and I have no real recourse until january 5 (60 days after the fully favorable decision letter I received.  It was the third time I have explained all this in detail to him and it was obvious he was on this one way train track and not listening to me at all.

As we talked, I got more and more tense, my hands started shaking, my stomach is in knots because I am hearing his frustration and this is a stressful time for him anyway (just bought a house, moving, etc)  it is soo upsetting to know that i am causing him more stress and anxiety just by being where I am right now in my life (and trust me, I HATE it) on top of knowing he does not handle stress well at all and it definitely effects his time off to spend with his family.  I could hear his upset and asked him several times to back off because he was getting himself all riled up (never mind me at this point).

But I still lost it.  I don't remember what all I said to him but I know I told him to stop making things worse and that I understand he feels this affects him to (since he is lending me money) but he is not helping or being supportive and that this is a temporary situation and while I understand it is upsetting for him, it is much worse for me and the fact that he cant see that is why I most often do not tell him things until after they are resolved or I know exactly what is going to happen. (don't even get me started on my health issues with him... .8 freaking years later and he hasn't a fing clue just how serious it all is... .he just can't deal with it).

So yeah,  I am still shaking, on the verge of tears, sick to my stomach and feeling so very alone and vulnerable.  And I feel guilty for upsetting him and adding to his stress.  And raging at him.  The self talk is not helping at all.  There is no excuse for my yelling/screaming.  I am also feeling resentment and frustration and I feel selfish for wondering when it is going to be my turn to be able to be stressed out and upset without having to hold up and take care of other people.  Yeah.  When the ___ is it going to be my turn?

I am not looking for validation, so please do not go there.  I just felt like writing and swearing a bit.

The scary thing is that as I wrote "when the ___ is it going to be my turn" I heard a voice in my head saying "when you let it be your turn Harri."

I don't know how to do that.   

[Harri]

Yeah.  I did.  I have written before about my financial situation so I won't go into much back detail other than to say that I am waiting for my permanent disability to come through.  Living off savings since march 2013 and finally had to get some help from my brother to pay my mortgage December and looks like I might need to again for january too.  The thing is, while I got a 'fully favorable' decision letter dated 11/5 (following my hearing on 10/20) the gov't can take as long as 60 days to send me my 'award' letter and then it can be 2 weeks or longer before I even see a check.  My lawyer can do nothing about this.  I just have to wait. 

In the meantime, since day one with the whole health issue and having to stop working, my brother has responded in such a way that only adds to the stress I feel about this.  I know how he is.  He cares and he worries and gets upset and I understand that but he handles it in such a way that he actually makes it very difficult to even want to talk to him about things.  I'm now left dealing with my own stress and worry about money never mind serious health issues and have had to deal with *his* stress and worry on top of it.  I resent it.  This is a learned thing he got from our mother.  Every blasted time something happened to me as a kid, if and when i told my mother about it, I had to then deal with making her feel better about things.  I was left taking care of her when I was the one falling apart inside and hurting.

Same thing happened today and a few weeks ago.  I finally lost my cool and while talking with my brother on the phone, I blew up at him and yelled (okay, I was almost screaming at him).  I had called to say hello and see how his day went yesterday with the in-laws and to see if I could visit to play with my nephew.  They are all tired out so he said no and I was fine with that.  I get being tired.    He then asked where I got the money for the gifts I gave them and I explained that I had been hoarding money and went on line and cashed in gift cards that others gave me over the year, cards for coffee places, etc, that are quite nice but are not necessities and I decided not to keep them for a treat for myself so i could buy gifts for my nephew, SIL and bro come Christmas.  Nothing big, but the point is, I was not really spending money... .I was hoarding and sort of re-gifting!  Also, I was asked to participate in a research study before my recent biopsy and then surgery and I got $100.00 for it!  SCORE!  So I hoarded and was able to give stuff to people I care about.  It all added up to maybe $175.00.  Not bad but no where near enough to cover a months bills so I decided to enjoy it the way i wanted to enjoy it. 

So I told him where the money came from and I got a lecture about how I should have saved the money to pay my bills, that I need to get on the lawyers to get my money and I need to call the government and tell them that I have no money, he paid my mortgage, etc.  He also tells me I need to speak with people in person... .clearly the guy has not dealt with very many lawyers or government entities!  He is full of orders and has it all figured out telling me I am too passive and nice and I need to speak up.  I told him I am not willing to piss off the people who are responsible for processing my paperwork and who will be sending my check through the system and that I have done everything I can and I have no real recourse until january 5 (60 days after the fully favorable decision letter I received.  It was the third time I have explained all this in detail to him and it was obvious he was on this one way train track and not listening to me at all.

As we talked, I got more and more tense, my hands started shaking, my stomach is in knots because I am hearing his frustration and this is a stressful time for him anyway (just bought a house, moving, etc)  it is soo upsetting to know that i am causing him more stress and anxiety just by being where I am right now in my life (and trust me, I HATE it) on top of knowing he does not handle stress well at all and it definitely effects his time off to spend with his family.  I could hear his upset and asked him several times to back off because he was getting himself all riled up (never mind me at this point).

But I still lost it.  I don't remember what all I said to him but I know I told him to stop making things worse and that I understand he feels this affects him to (since he is lending me money) but he is not helping or being supportive and that this is a temporary situation and while I understand it is upsetting for him, it is much worse for me and the fact that he cant see that is why I most often do not tell him things until after they are resolved or I know exactly what is going to happen. (don't even get me started on my health issues with him... .8 freaking years later and he hasn't a fing clue just how serious it all is... .he just can't deal with it).

So yeah,  I am still shaking, on the verge of tears, sick to my stomach and feeling so very alone and vulnerable.  And I feel guilty for upsetting him and adding to his stress.  And raging at him.  The self talk is not helping at all.  There is no excuse for my yelling/screaming.  I am also feeling resentment and frustration and I feel selfish for wondering when it is going to be my turn to be able to be stressed out and upset without having to hold up and take care of other people.  Yeah.  When the ___ is it going to be my turn?

I am not looking for validation, so please do not go there.  I just felt like writing and swearing a bit.

The scary thing is that as I wrote "when the ___ is it going to be my turn" I heard a voice in my head saying "when you let it be your turn Harri."

I don't know how to do that.   

[Reluctant Dragon]

Oh boy. I feel your pain. I have both a brother and a BIL who know how to solve the world's problems and have an answer for everything which usually includes how YOU screwed up and should have done blah blah blabbity blah instead!

They're both NC now but when DH and I were still speaking to them I found it less stressful to stop the info train and give as little details as possible. If I had to speak  with them I would just give the least amount of info as possible and be as vague as I could. Unsolicited advice would be met with, "Hmmm. I'll think about that". I figure that was truthful since I didn't specify how long I would think about their useless crap. Hey, I thought about it for half a second. Done! 

[PrettyPlease]

The scary thing is that as I wrote "when the ___ is it going to be my turn" I heard a voice in my head saying "when you let it be your turn Harri."

I don't know how to do that.   

OK, so suppose we do a pretend question (it's not really happening), where you (somehow) get to the point where it is your turn. The problem of how it became your turn is past, and we won't worry about that at the moment. But it's your turn now.

The question is: how would you know that it's your turn? What's happening in your life to tell you that it's your turn? What's happening around you? What does it look like, smell like, feel like? And who else is there (or isn't there)? And anything else that makes it your turn -- what's going on that's special, now that it's your turn?

[Harri]

Hi ReluctantDragon.  Isn't it amazing how others know exactly how to handle our challenges?     I usually do keep the info train stopped at least until after the situation is resolved but in this case I gave details because he is lending me money, plus, it is just too big to not be talked about (how do i explain going from working everyday and loving my job to no work?).  He is relentless though and saying stuff like "yes, I will think about that" just did not work.  Once I was able to sit back and think a bit more about this, I realized he did tone it down in terms of lowering the volume and changing his impatient tone but the *content* of his words did not change.  So I know he was trying and I appreciate it and I love him and all that, but I still want to whack him upside the head with a pool noodle.   

PrettyPlease... .Ahhh... .way to ask questions that made me take pause in my self-pity and think. 

The question is: how would you know that it's your turn? What's happening in your life to tell you that it's your turn? What's happening around you? What does it look like, smell like, feel like? And who else is there (or isn't there)? And anything else that makes it your turn -- what's going on that's special, now that it's your turn?

There are no specifics I can think of that will let me know it is my turn and I have no idea what it looks like.  I tried imagining people being sympathetic and caring but all I could picture were people being clingy and saying stuff like "I'm soo sOORry" and I know I would handle that less well than what I actually get from my brother.   I once got a bit of that (Oh but you're too young and How horrible!, etc.) while having blood work when I was first diagnosed with my disease... .if the lady did not have a needle stuck in my arm I would have run out screaming! 

So after I spent some time thinking about this I realized it is not so much what would be present to let me know it is my turn but it is more an absence of things.  I don't want anyone to do or say anything.  Just act like always, no sympathetic glances or sighs, certainly don't let me see you bawling your eyes out and talk to me about how my situation is causing you pain and stress because that just adds to my own and I end up comforting you.  Does that make sense?  If someone is in crisis you do not go around adding to it!

So there is nothing special going on, just carrying on as usual and if I need help or want to talk about stuff I will initiate the conversation.  If you want to talk about my situation or ask questions, that is okay and I appreciate it... .just don't make it all about you and your pain.

yeah... .so I guess I would not know it is my turn exactly, I just want a situation where I am trusted to deal with things in a competent fashion and I am not with people who make my job even more difficult.  I don't want my asking for help to become an opening for people to step in and micromanage. 

Ummm... .I have a feeling I am not answering your questions.  But that is all I can come up with at this point.

PrettyPlease, am I missing your point entirely?

[losthero]

I understand Harri.  We grew up without emotional caretakers.  We had to comfort others consciously or unconsciously.  We weren't allowed to have problems or needs.  Sounds like you spent many years taking care of yourself and standing strong on your own.  But we are all human and sometimes, just sometimes it would be nice to have a sympathetic ear from someone without having to console them back.  Just a hug, or an okay, or even Im sorry you are going through this, would be nice to get, instead of guilt, fear, rage.   I hope you are able to get your check soon.   

[Harri]

Oh!  And I just realized that part of my frustration/anger/hurt is that I do not often ask for help or complain about my circumstances.  Mostly I am very positive and optimistic and when I am not feeling that way, I tend to keep to myself.  Why spread misery around?  So I think I am expecting others to be the same way *and* to realize that since I am usually very independent and do not ask for help, that when I do ask, it is because I really need it.  It is not just a whim and it is not because I need to be told what to do... .I know what needs to be done (usually) I just do not have the means of doing it.

How does that fit in here?  I am not sure, it seems important to mention though.  Everything is all jumbled into a big ball of *stuff*.  Not sure if it is important for me to mention the above because this is triggering my defensiveness (which I am well aware of in this money area) or if it is because I have unreasonable expectations regarding my brother's behaviors in times of my own crisis?  

He recently had his own mini crisis with his new house.  He was very upset and we talked about it.  I wonder how he would feel if I reacted in the same way he did with mine?  Saying "What are you going to Deeeewww?  Oh this is horrible!  You need to call your realtor and the real estate licensing board and call your lawyer and demand answers!  You need to speak up and stop being so passive?  That is what I would do.  I would not take this ___, blahblah blah blahblah... .

yeah, I just got myself all riled up again.

Crap.  

Edited to add:  Losthero, I went to post this and got a message that you replied.  Yes.  yEs. YES!  thank you.  Thank you for your words, your understanding and your hug... .and all without my needing to comfort you.  Thank you!

[Reluctant Dragon]

I don't want my asking for help to become an opening for people to step in and micromanage. 

Ahhhhh, this is such a great way to put it! When you put it that way it reminds me less of my BIL and describes NPDMIL perfectly. She's oh soo willing to help. And her help is ENGULFING.

Oh, and while she is helping you she makes dang sure you know just how wonderful she is for helping you! And long after she's helped, even YEARS later, she won't miss an opportunity to remind you. Pretty much she just can't shut the fudge up about. She'll probably tell the Grim Reaper all about it when it's time for her to leave this world.

It sounds to me that your bro is talkative because of the stress, though, not for ego strokes. I hope at least when it's all said and done he'll stop stressing and yapping about it 

[PrettyPlease]

PrettyPlease... .Ahhh... .way to ask questions that made me take pause in my self-pity and think. 

Thank you! Good job PP. [Pats self on back].

Ummm... .I have a feeling I am not answering your questions.  But that is all I can come up with at this point.

PrettyPlease, am I missing your point entirely?

IMO you came up with a lot. There wasn't a single point I was trying to make -- or, to put it differently -- you're the one who will know when the most important points are revealed. I was only poking a bit, trying to get you to examine different things, hoping for different kinds of loops (or the breaking of loops).

One thing I see that might lead somewhere interesting:

I don't want anyone to do or say anything.

Right. And how likely is that? --Given that they are who they are, and human to boot?   

It's completely understandable to want other people to behave in a kind, empathetic, compassionate, non-self-absorbed, respectful, non-interfering manner... .but the catch to being on this planet is that we don't appear to get to choose which other people. Some people will be like that, but the ones who aren't... .we can almost never change them into it. Family included.

If that's true (and I believe it is), then your choices relative to your brother or others similar become narrowed to:

    a) not interacting at all;

    b) interacting in special ways that attempt to at least minimize what they do (there are tools on this site describing that, like SET);

    c) changing your own reaction to what they do.

a) and c) are the ones where you have the most control. b) might work to some degree, but can also become a hall of mirrors if you expect too much from it.

Sorry, I'm enjoying myself too much today and tend to pontificate when that happens.    Though perhaps there's something in this you can use... . 

[Harri]

<sighs>  <taps foot>  <rolls eyes at self>

Yeah.  I kept hearing this voice saying that I can't control other peoples behavior and that they get to be who they are without my interference or control... .and I kept telling that voice to hush because I wanted to stay wrapped up in my indignation.  Thanks so much for poking PP.  And yes, you are hearing gratitude *and* a tinge of sarcasm in that last sentence    I can't run away from the reality of what I was hoping for with this thread right here in the open now can I?  I certainly can't ignore your helpful poking and right-on-the-money advice... .no matter how much I might want to. 

The only option I have is c) change the way I react.  A) is not an option as I, usually, genuinely like my brother (and this is only a fairly recent thing given the way we were raised).  B) using things like SET requires patience I just do not have when dealing with a non BPD person who just happens to annoy the heck out of me on occasion (said with sisterly love). 

I need to remember to accept what is rather than focusing on what I wish is.  I can do that.  I can also end the conversation before I let myself get so worked up.  It is interesting to me that I was so focused on his upset and could see he was heading to a bad place but ignored the same signals for myself.  I've been doing that a lot lately (ignoring the signals that my stress levels are getting out of hand) so I can 'take care of others' and make sure they are okay.  How foolish and how arrogant.  They are capable and competent and can take of their own stuff and even if they can't they will never learn if I keep trying to control things (even if it is 'just' their reaction to my situation). 

PrettyPlease, thank you for helping me to walk through this.  You do deserve a pat on the back!  Feel free to pontificate all you want on my threads.  I like it! 

    

[PrettyPlease]

PrettyPlease, thank you for helping me to walk through this. 

You're very welcome. And this whole paragraph:

I need to remember to accept what is rather than focusing on what I wish is.  I can do that.  I can also end the conversation before I let myself get so worked up.  It is interesting to me that I was so focused on his upset and could see he was heading to a bad place but ignored the same signals for myself.  I've been doing that a lot lately (ignoring the signals that my stress levels are getting out of hand) so I can 'take care of others' and make sure they are okay.  How foolish and how arrogant.  They are capable and competent and can take of their own stuff and even if they can't they will never learn if I keep trying to control things (even if it is 'just' their reaction to my situation).

is very well expressed and thank you for the insights, which I'll be able to use also. I don't just do this for you you know.        

[imataloss]

Harri, I'm always impressed with how you process your life issues publicly on this forum for all to read and learn from. I hope that's not too much validation for you  , because I say it with honesty and sincerity. I'm sure it's a process that takes some time after reading and mulling over the replies you receive. But you always seem to come around after initially expressing your anger, disappointment, resentment.

As a former government employee, I advise you to write your Congressman (if you haven't already) if you don't receive your award letter by Jan. 5. Such an inquiry from a Congressman usually gets the attention of agency employees.

PrettyPlease, thanks for posing those questions to Harri. After considering them in light of my own life circumstances, I almost immediately realized that it is my turn now. I just fail to perceive, acknowledge, and fully relish that I've finally gotten my turn. For me it seems related to living in the now and accepting those things that we're unable to control and change. Easy to say but difficult to do at times. I'm sure it's made more difficult because of having a BPD parent who always made sure it was her turn and continues to attempt to do so. I didn't even realize that I'd ever get to have a turn, and when I finally did I was clueless as to how to act on it.

Although I don't frequently post on this forum, I learn so much from reading all of your posts. And not just about dealing with a BPD family member. I say thanks to all who help manage this site and post on it. You're helping so many others. I hope that everyone gets to have their turn at least once in 2015. Happy New Year to all!   

[Kwamina]

I am not looking for validation, so please do not go there.  I just felt like writing and swearing a bit.

We all need to vent sometimes Harri, that's ok. You have several stressors in your life right now and it's clear that you would like things to be different. This constant 'battle' with reality can lead to frustration. You've already gotten some great responses in this thread and already seem a little less mad  It might also help to think about the concept of 'radical acceptance' and the skills aimed at 'reality acceptance'. I've selected some passages that I think are particularly relevant to your situation:

There may be an infinite number of really painful things that can happen to you. But there are not an infinite number of responses you can make to pain.  In fact, if you sit back and think about it, there are only four. There are only four things you can do when painful problems come into your life.

What do you think they are?  Think for a minute. A problem is in your life, pain, suffering, something you don't want in it.  How can you respond?

Well the first thing you could do is you could do is you could solve the problem.  You can figure out a way to either end the painful event or you could figure out a way to leave the situation that's so painful. That's the first thing you could do.  Solve the problem.

What's the second thing you could do?  You could try to change how you feel about the problem; to figure out a way to take a negative in your life and make it into a positive. Alright, so that's the second thing you could do.

What's your other option?  You could accept it.  So that's the third thing you can do. You could just accept the problem.

Ok.  That's not everything you could do. There is a fourth alternative. What do you think it is? You could stay miserable. That's the only other option you've got.

So you've got to either solve it, change how you feel about it, accept it, or stay miserable.

If you want to change something, you have to accept it first.  You can't change something you don't accept.  If you don't face the reality as it is, if you deny it how are you going to change it?  If you think there is no cause, it just happened magically or fate or luck, how are you going to change it?

So, acceptance is required.

... .

So if you want things to change, accept them.  Then change them. Because when we talk about accepting reality as it is, we're not saying, 'Accept reality as it is and believe it can never change.' Reality is always changing.  If you want to have an influence on how it changes, you see your interest is to accept how it is right now.

Reality acceptance skills are the skills that you need when really painful events happen in your life. And you can't change the painful event.  You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. And, you can't turn it into a positive.  It's a negative that just won't become a positive.  And you're miserable.

When that happens, practice reality acceptance.

So what are you going to practice? First, you're going to practice accepting radically. You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason.  You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason.

And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it.  You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life.

In order to do that, you're going to have to turn your mind over and over and over.  When you reach the fork in the road, with pain in the middle of it, turn your mind to acceptance. Away from rejection.

And practice willingness. Practicing willingness means recognizing that you are part of life, that you are connected to things. But it's more than that. It's not just recognizing that you're part of life but it's actually agreeing to be part of life.

These are the skills of reality acceptance.

[Harri]

PrettyPlease, I am glad you got something out if this as well because it would not be fair if this were all about me right?       Seriously, I realized while reading the responses here that I probably shy away from such times as I am so very awkward at receiving good things.  I can handle nasty names, vile words and being yelled at, but kindness and acceptance, though I have gotten better, are still such a struggle.  I find myself cringing inward and waiting for the catch.  The required payment.  The punch line.  Waiting to be hurt and ridiculed... .and this is finally the point where I can see Little Harri standing there ringing her hands in anxiety, eyes big and full of fear but with a small light of hope that has gotten smaller and dimmer over time.  She hasn't been around for a long time, but I can see her so clearly right now.  Apparently one way to find her is to let loose and come out swinging.  I'm not sure that is a good or healthy thing, but at least I found her again.

Imataloss's (<--- is that right?  's?  of just s?  Heck if I know) words helped me to nail down that realization about not recognizing it being my turn even when it is in fact my turn.  I think I mentioned that I am not sure how to let it be my turn.   Chances are I have had it be my turn but have failed to perceive, acknowledge and fully relish it.  ( I like the way you said that Ima).  Wallowing in self pity and wishing for something other than what is will guarantee I miss it... .but even more, I am not sure *how* to embrace it.  It seems to me that as soon as I sit back and think "ah, this is it!  it is finally my turn" it immediately becomes selfish and arrogant and a source of shame.  Ah, a paradox!    :'(    

Imataloss, thank you for the validation (whacks you with a pool noodle  ) and for your generous assessment of the way i process things.  I don't think about it much while I am writing the thread but after I feel anxiety, waiting for people to do the "stay away from her she has rage and fear and triggers and lots of red flags" and I actually sit and listen to the voices in my head (yes... .voices!) saying things like I am bad and worthless and another saying who cares what other people think.  It is quite amusing and sometimes I wish I had some popcorn for the show.  

Besides, what is the point in having stuff (ie 'issues' if you don't share them?  

[Harri]

ACK!  I hit post instead of preview and I have not yet responded to Kwamina.  Ooops, sorry K.

Thank you for the *very* helpful quotes on radical acceptance.  Such a simple yet complex thing, huh?  I can do it though.  No other choice right?  I hate being miserable!  I hate being a victim even more!  

So thanks.

Oh yeah, Ima, thanks for saying I help others who read here.  That makes it much much easier to stop the voices in my head after a post like my first here.  

   <--- me, sharing my stuff!  Enjoy!  

[P.F.Change]

it is soo upsetting to know that i am causing him more stress and anxiety just by being where I am right now in my life (and trust me, I HATE it) on top of knowing he does not handle stress well at all and it definitely effects his time off to spend with his family. 

Your brother is responsible for managing his own stress and anxiety. He is responsible for knowing his limits and saying no when he needs to say no. His stress is not your fault, even if he has chosen to help you out. Those are his choices and feelings to own, not yours. He can choose how to spend his time and money, and it is not your fault if he has not done so in a way that works for him. Put down the guilt, Harri. It's not yours. You've got enough feelings of your own to look after.

As far as the yelling, I think you are being hard on yourself when you say "there is no excuse"--you feel comfortable with self-punishment because you're used to guilt. It's understandable that someone might lose their cool during a conflict like that, and lots of people yell in those situations. But since it doesn't seem to be consistent with your values, you can look at what happened and take better care of your boundaries next time (it's all about boundaries). It also might make sense to offer an apology for the things you feel were out of line. Is that something you want to do?

The scary thing is that as I wrote "when the ___ is it going to be my turn" I heard a voice in my head saying "when you let it be your turn Harri."

I don't know how to do that.   

Wise words, Harri. Practice makes perfect good enough. 

Wishing you peace,

PF

P.S. Regarding what's called "venting", it's actually been shown to make people feel worse rather than better. That's why we focus here on looking for solutions to the situations that bother us.

[Harri]

Hi P.F.Change.  It is good to see you here!   

Thank you for the reality check.  I can see how I have been falling back into my own role of care taking, which for me, is just a nice way to say taking control, and then I follow through with the beating myself up as punishment.  Such a crazy making cycle!  <deep breath!>  And then I feel resentment.  Even more crazy making! 

Okay <more deep breaths>.  Self punishment//guilt.  hmmmm.  You know what?  I am not aware of what guilt feels like.  Though it appears I have a ton of it, I am unaware of it.  I talk about it.  I have even said I feel it but I can't describe what it is, what it feels like.  The way you used the word here made me realize I really do not know what guilt means.  Could it be so ingrained it has become part of my baseline?  Verrrrry interesting.  Often people talk about feeling guilt and I have always wondered what is wrong with me as I thought I never felt it, or at least I seemed numb to it.  I thought it meant there is something wrong with my moral compass.  Shame, blame, responsibility, self-punishment, control... .I have those in spades and I am aware of them and I can remember exactly how they feel, but guilt?  Something is trying to click into place here... .

guilt:  Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation. (wikipedia- www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt_(emotion) )

So you see guilt in me?  The self-punishment is driven by guilt?  The same with shame? 

Well ___.  That is just, ummmm... .I have no words.

Thank you.

[P.F.Change]

And I feel guilty for upsetting him and adding to his stress. 

^This is the statement I was going on. 

[Harri]

   Yes, apparently I have been using that word all willy-nilly like while not truly getting the concept... .or at least not tying it to the self-punishment, shame, blame... .

I can be a bit weird that way.  This is a perfect illustration of how much it helps me to let things out and chat with others.  Every bit of it helps to put pieces together and then something big starts to click together... . 

 

PS  I got so excited by all this guilt business that I forgot to say that I did apologize and I felt better and he accepted it.  He is good like that.  The both of us blow up sometimes and we can talk about it and we typically do not hold grudges.  I know I sometimes drive him crazy too.