BPD Left- Getting very popular in new country, within short time, high achieving

[eagle1206]

My Ex-BPD Fiancee came from other country with her 8 year old kid, but left me withing 4 months. She is doing her MBA. She left in Oct 2014.

I am still recovering from it at very slow pace. I am going to admit that I am guilty, but I know her whereabouts all the time (without going into specifics). I am so surprised that she is always out at different places, nice houses for hours. I am just in awe that how can she be so much outside, what she does. She is outside when kid is at school and she is outside when kid is with her. Also, I know she has made a lot of friends (who are families) and most nights she is at there place (with her kid) for sleepovers, dinners and so on.

I just admire her guts to leave me in new country, where she cannot drive, did not have much money. No, she is building enviable circle of friends (may be sympathizers)

I know I should not be keeping tab on her whereabouts, but, the lies she has told and false accusations makes to watch her closely as to whom she is meeting, where she is going. I do not know who drives her to those places, how she manages making so many connections in such a short time, but I know every place she visits, it is almost another place where I am painted as devil, which concerns me. I just want to have the grasp of the damage that I have to deal with in future.

Can BPDs be so highly functioning, get popular and not getting impacted in their work, routing (she got assistance ship and good grade this semester in spite she left, stayed at Women's shelter, then with some family and now moved into her own apartment. I am so confused. How can she build so many relationships in such short time, manage, function highly and stay happy, whereas I am devastated.

Any ideas what the behavior indicates? Is it typical of BPDs? I know she has a good friend circle in her home country, friends who trust her, but I also know when provides them selective information, which will make her look good or feel pity about her. She manages that very well, with charm and appearance which is friendly and personable. I know even her best friends do not know most important things in her life, but they feel that they know her for whole life and she is very sweet. So, i guess it is Idealization part with most of them, because it serves her emotional needs. I am just confused.

Please help me understand what is going on, should I be worried about it, should I be completely NC at this time? I know I should be completely NC, but I just want to know the devil I am dealing with and may be dealing with in future (i wish not).

Thank you and appreciate your feedback.

[ogopogodude]

Quote: if you love someone, set them free, ...   and if this person comes back, the person was yours, if not then they never were.

But I am not so sure this applies to BPD as a bod person really likes attention and to be the the focal point of the universe (and to strategically create chaos to those around them).

[Hope0807]

Eagle1206,

You answered most of your own questions.  Yes, this is all typical of a high functioning BPD.  Sounds like your ex was diagnosed?  They pick up and move on as if you never existed.  Our pain, fear, shame and all of the emotions that make us WHOLE people, also paralyze us temporarily.  "Temporarily" is the key word.  We must use the pain and knowledge to grow stronger and more aware of manipulative people who want nothing from us but to suck the goodness we have out in order to feed their empty spots and narcissism.  Now it's up to you to fill yourself up and focus on you.  She's "seemingly" getting along better and thriving because she's focused on herself, not you.  Try to do the same.  It's a survival instinct minus the emotional bonds to humanity and love.  They seem stronger for now, but if we take good and proper care of ourselves through this storm, we'll be the one TRULY surviving and thriving both in love and life…while they are simply busy PRETENDING.

The silly quotes on this thread and elsewhere about loving someone and if they "... .come back to you it was meant to be…" do not apply to reality and definitely to anyone dealing with a PD person.  If they come back, and sometimes they do, you have to have enough sense and inner strength to know they'll steal your soul, your life savings, and everything in between…so…RUN!

Much of this advice is what I'm busy preaching to myself as well.  Healing is a marathon, not a race. 

My Ex-BPD Fiancee came from other country with her 8 year old kid, but left me withing 4 months. She is doing her MBA. She left in Oct 2014.

I am still recovering from it at very slow pace. I am going to admit that I am guilty, but I know her whereabouts all the time (without going into specifics). I am so surprised that she is always out at different places, nice houses for hours. I am just in awe that how can she be so much outside, what she does. She is outside when kid is at school and she is outside when kid is with her. Also, I know she has made a lot of friends (who are families) and most nights she is at there place (with her kid) for sleepovers, dinners and so on.

I just admire her guts to leave me in new country, where she cannot drive, did not have much money. No, she is building enviable circle of friends (may be sympathizers)

I know I should not be keeping tab on her whereabouts, but, the lies she has told and false accusations makes to watch her closely as to whom she is meeting, where she is going. I do not know who drives her to those places, how she manages making so many connections in such a short time, but I know every place she visits, it is almost another place where I am painted as devil, which concerns me. I just want to have the grasp of the damage that I have to deal with in future.

Can BPDs be so highly functioning, get popular and not getting impacted in their work, routing (she got assistance ship and good grade this semester in spite she left, stayed at Women's shelter, then with some family and now moved into her own apartment. I am so confused. How can she build so many relationships in such short time, manage, function highly and stay happy, whereas I am devastated.

Any ideas what the behavior indicates? Is it typical of BPDs? I know she has a good friend circle in her home country, friends who trust her, but I also know when provides them selective information, which will make her look good or feel pity about her. She manages that very well, with charm and appearance which is friendly and personable. I know even her best friends do not know most important things in her life, but they feel that they know her for whole life and she is very sweet. So, i guess it is Idealization part with most of them, because it serves her emotional needs. I am just confused.

Please help me understand what is going on, should I be worried about it, should I be completely NC at this time? I know I should be completely NC, but I just want to know the devil I am dealing with and may be dealing with in future (i wish not).

Thank you and appreciate your feedback.

[livednlearned]

I know I should not be keeping tab on her whereabouts, but, the lies she has told and false accusations makes to watch her closely as to whom she is meeting, where she is going. I do not know who drives her to those places, how she manages making so many connections in such a short time, but I know every place she visits, it is almost another place where I am painted as devil, which concerns me. I just want to have the grasp of the damage that I have to deal with in future.

Hi eagle1206, I'm just going to push you gently on this. Are you tracking her because you cannot let go? Or are you tracking her so you can protect yourself from potential damage. I think it's important that you get clear about what's going on for you. Really clear. Not for other people, but for you. 

One of the awful things about recovering from a BPD relationship is that there is often no closure. No explanation, no closure, and often, no honesty. It takes a toll on our self esteem. We feel gutted and angry, and if you're someone who stuffs your anger, it can come out in other ways that don't do much for healthy recovery. Kinda along the lines of drinking poison, expecting the other person to die.

Tracking her phone, or whatever you're using to keep tabs on her, can't be making you feel good about yourself. Using the dark arts feels good in the short term, but it won't do anything for you in the long term.

If you track her because it keeps you engaged, even if it's negative and empty, you can't process the grief and anger that is probably there. And that's what drags out the recovery stage. The sooner you lean into the pain, the better. I know, not fun, and no one wants to do it, but it's the fastest way through. The lessons over to the right are good to read too ----------->

You've been betrayed, she cost you a lot of money, she probably used you, and from the outside, it might look like she is doing great, or ok. But if she is BPD, she is very ill and that is punishment enough, imo.

[eagle1206]

Thank you ogopogodude, Hope0807 and Livednlearned.

To answer you question Hope0807, during my therapy sessions, I provided a lot of details to my therapist on how our relationship evolved and ended as well as her past background. He strongly suspected BPD. I read a lot about it after that and I have no doubt it is BPD. I do not know if she had done the evaluation, but I am more than 100% sure.

Livednlearned, I am only doing it for my protection and knowing "what" I will have to deal with in future, to the extend possible. I know she used to keep talking bad about her then Ex to me, even after divorced for some years. Now, it is going to be multi-fold because of the circumstances. I know it will be my mind preoccupied and recovery will be late. But, I have completely sunk in pain cycle. It has been unbearable pain. It still is. But, now I am seeing it from more detached perspective.

I am in town for 7 years and lot of people know me. She is here for 6 months. I have a good reputation and concerned that it is getting tarnished. It could impact me not just personally, but professionally. I have a 8 year old son, I need to protect him from these rumors, I am concerned about it. I am sure when she left suddenly, she must have told school teachers and principle the same lies as to why she was moving out and why her son won't be attending the school anymore. Believe me, I have not talked to anyone in school, but I think I should. I know she talked to a couple of parents in school, I have not talked to them yet, but I do feel like I should. These things are going to impact my son, if not clarified. This is why I am trying to do what I am doing, so that I know my enemy.

Please do not get me wrong. I am not trying to want her back or punish her. I have not spoken to anyone, not a single person, one bad word about her or her possible mental condition, just because, I have empathy for her and her son. Actually, I feel pity that how these diseases can cause havoc in lives of people (and mainly her and her kids life) and how to get wiser by that knowledge. I am almost trying to attempt to understand the BPD mind. I do feel that, if I get an avenue, where people will trust me and understand what I have to say which will help her and her son, this will help everyone in her life later, including herself. But, I do not have that avenue (including her close friends and family) and finding a trusted avenue chances are extremely slim, so I am giving up on that. It may also open pandora's box and another avenue for her to start slandering something more serious.

Surprisingly, all those people she is meeting with seemed so convinced on her stories, that no one even attempted to contact me and here my side of story, understand situation, try to mediate, suggest therapies. Nothing. Why would they, right? At this time, I am completely detached, but watching it just so I know a little more on how BPD mind works and what it means for me.

I also understand that it is not leading me anywhere and I need to stop this. I will do it. Thanks for the caution livednlearned. I understand your concern and I am cognizant of my actions may lead to delayed recovery or other problems. I will work on it.

Thank you very much again.

[livednlearned]

Smear campaigns seem to be a common legacy post BPD relationships. By the time my marriage ended, my N/BPDx and I had fairly separate lives and while I know he has smeared my reputation, it isn't among people that matter to me.

If you are worried about the lies, you can always get ahead of the message. Or ahead as much as possible. I learned this while trying to deal with parental alienation, something that is also common post BPD relationships when kids are involved. Experts in parental alienation talk about being assertive with the truth, and I think that makes sense in any relationship that matters to you.

I had to do this with my son's school, but I think I had an edge when it came to truth distortions, and eventually the custody files to back me up. Maybe you want to talk to the school principal of family specialist and let them know that you are concerned about the false allegations and how they could impact your son. If your concern is your son, and you focus things there, people will likely take your perspective to heart.

With other people, it might be worthwhile spending some time and writing a letter. I wouldn't send it until you've sat with a therapist and talked it through. But get your thoughts out and decide who matters to you, whose opinion of you means something. I will warn you, though, that the letter will likely get back to your ex -- that's one of the reasons it's a good idea to have someone objective look at it.

This might not be orthodox advice, I don't know. But I've been through the wringer in court and am 4 years out of my BPD marriage, and I think getting ahead of the message, or at least neck to neck with it, has merit. Some people might say let it go, move on, let people figure out who they want to believe. I don't feel that way anymore. But I'm also not as emotionally invested and can talk about the trauma with some detachment at this point. You don't want to use friends as therapists, you want to discuss your ex from the angle that there is something wrong with her, and you worry about the patterns and how others could be hurt.

[Blimblam]

Yes pwBPD have honed in their seduction skills. Many of them can make friends very quickly especially when they have a good sob story and their youth. It's about survival for a pwBPD they seduce and attach like their life depends on it.