Problems with mum

[pinksarah]

Hi

This is strange for me to write but I feel like I might be on the cusp of a breakthrough. I'm 38. For many years I've accepted that my mum has a bad temper, and that I am the source of much of it. That I am basically selfish and dysfunctional and a horrible person.

Stumbling across this site and a similar one has been a complete revelation. Maybe it's not just me? I'm still unsure but I'll put it out there. You may be able to help me because I've been too confused to see the wood for the trees for many years.

For as long as I can remember mum has had a vicious temper. It was also slightly random. Some days she was loving and supportive, other days she would fly into a wild rage over the smallest things and completely terrify me. My parents were wonderful in many ways and I love them very much, but my mum's temper was this wild, frightening thing that lurked in the shadows. As a child it made me anxious and shy. I would try to guess what would set her off and was very sensitive to her moods. I still am. When in a rage she would slap me and threaten me. She has always called me selfish and lazy. As a little girl she sometimes called me a slut and other names. I never really understood why.

Alongside this my mum is highly intelligent and charming. My Dad had a good job and I did well at school. Everything looked really good to outsiders and I couldn't explain to anyone what was happening. I didn't understand it myself, only that I was often terrified of mum to the point of nausea and breaking down crying when I knew I had to be on my own with her when she was angry with me.

Things went really wrong when I was fifteen. I met a boy who I completely fell i love with but who was unfortunately suffering from his own personality issues. He was jealous and controlling but also loving and supportive and defended me when mum went into meltdown. I bonded to him in what now seems like quite an inappropriate way. I was utterly besotted. My mum decided she didn't like him after a few months and tried to seperate us. She was right in many ways. He wasn't good for me but I couldn't bear to leave him. My boyfriend and my mother fought viciously over me and the whole situation was horrendous. I was stressed to the point of my hair falling out in lumps.

In the end I ran away from home just before my sixteenth birthday. It was a very difficult time in my life. I never went back home to live but I felt horrendous guilt. I didn't want to leave but I couldn't stand to be there any longer. I missed my parents terribly. Social services were involved but were fairly useless. They looked at my charming educated parents and their lovely home and decided I was a problem teen who was being stupid.

I spent three years living with my boyfriend until we split up. He was also an unstable person with moodswings, jealousy and random behaviour. In the end I felt relief when we separated. So at 18 I finally found myself free.

I moved on in many ways but some aspects of my life fell apart. On the surface I had a good job and then went back to university with my parents help. I loved being back in education. Unfortunately I also had by now an eating disorder and was self harming. My mum was still as unpredictable as ever. They helped me enormously when I went to university and I couldn't have done it without them but mum would still erupt in rage, calling me selfish, lazy, a ___. She would scream down the phone at me or when I visited them. I never knew what set her off but she would seem to deliberately misunderstand me or twist my words in horrible ways. I would say something off hand and meaningless but she would jump on it and twist it until it sounded dark and sinister. When I withdrew from her to protect my sanity it made her worse. She would accuse me of only seeing her out of duty. When I came to visit them she would try and throw me out of the house. She told these stories to my family and friends and they believed her so many came to dislike me too. I was utterly confused. I didn't feel like an evil person and I knew I didn't set out to hurt anyone, but it seemed like I was doing it anyway. I continued treading on eggshells round her, sometimes winning (she would be loving and caring, send me gifts and help me) and sometimes not (raging phonecalls, insults and then refusing to speak to me for months at a time). She would often ban me from phoning or sending anything to their house so I could only call Dad at work.

Around 10yrs ago Dad was diagnosed with a neurological disease. At first he was OK but became very ill and eventually bed-bound. It was a bad time for everyone. He was a quiet, private man and never complained, but he did suffer and it broke our hearts. It was obviously a very stressful time for mum. She looked after him full time and did a huge amount for him, and yet the rage was still there. She would pull him around when he was bed, screaming and shouting at him about bizarre things. They got into physical fights. She sacked his carers more than once and one of them accused her of abusing my dad. It was very distressing and I didn't know what to do. I tried to talk to an old family friend who did take me seriously but ultimately could do nothing. I had no faith in social services so didn't want to involve them. I visited home around every six weeks but mum was always full of rage at me. The old reasons - I was selfish, I didn't do anything to help etc. Anything I said was twisted and distorted into ammunition against me. I kept visiting but had panic attacks on the journey there and struggled with self harm again. I wanted to see Dad very much but was terrified of mum. I also felt angry with myself. By now I was in my late twenties and physically larger than my mum but I couldn't shake the old fear. Why did I still let if bother me? I couldn't answer.

So anyway, here I am at 38. Happily married to a wonderful and supportive man. My mum has been calm for a long time since my Dad passed away but recently it has all started again. Rage, shouting and crying over things that happened 20yrs ago or more. Accusations and rage about my behaviour. What I didn't do for Dad when he was ill. How my god parents dislike me because I am a selfish horrible person. How she looks at me and doesn't know why she bothered... .etc etc. I couldn't bear to do this all again and one day googled 'mother rage paranoid' and here I am... .

Ugh. The above isn't even half of it and I worry that I am misrepresenting things. I know I'm not perfect. I feel guilty and unsure about writing any of this and also a bit paranoid someone I know will read it and know it's me. I'm also utterly sick of the way things are with mum and I'm taking a chance... . 

[NeedanEar]

Hi Pinksarah! 

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I'm 32 and just this past year found out there might be a name for my mom's behavior; BPD. She's not diagnosed and I'm pretty sure never will be, but there are a lot of traits that fit her strongly.

I chuckled a bit when you said that you found this site because you Google'd 'mother rage paranoid' because I found this site by Googling something similar. Mine was something like "My mom hates me because I eloped". She's had very little contact with me since it happened, and the contact she does have is passive aggressive and manipulative.  I'm fairly new here myself, but wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone.

I related to a lot of what you said. Mainly with how you felt about yourself; that you feel selfish and like a horrible person all the while also having the feeling that you are not a horrible person. I know that feeling very well. I also know the paranoid feeling of thinking she was going to find this site, find what I've written about her, and be really hurt. I still have it. I still kind of limit myself here because I'm afraid she's going to see it and wonder why I'm making everyone believe that she's a horrible, terrible person. It was a fear I had my whole life, but didn't know it consciously. Having a name to give what's going on for her has made it easier for me because it means it's not who she is, it's what she has. That doesn't let her off the hook for what she inflicts, but it does give me a point of reference.

"I worry that I am misrepresenting things. I know I'm not perfect."

^^^ YES! For a long time I wished that someone was seeing both her and I in a therapy setting so I someone could validate what I was feeling because I felt like I might be completely off base in the way I was explaining her... .That I wasn't taking responsibility for what I was doing. Even though I had no idea what that was. It was the 'eggshell' feeling. I had no idea what I was doing wrong, but at some point she was hurt and bothered and it was all my fault. Once I started talking about it to my circle of friends (two of whom are therapists in their professional lives) I realized that the things I wanted (to have stress free wedding ceremony that was just about us, to visit my dad's dying sister before she passed, and a ton of other things) were all okay to want and furthermore to do!

I'm sure we'll be talking some more. In the meantime, look around the site, read the articles, and give yourself a hug. Make sure you take care of yourself. It's really important especially when you're being drained by someone. I know I have to remind myself of that often because I get so focused on how to make her feel better.

Many hugs to you 

[Harri]

Hi there pinksarah and welcome.

I'm also utterly sick of the way things are with mum and I'm taking a chance... .

     I am so glad you took the chance and posted.  It takes a lot of courage to over ride the fear and anxiety instilled since birth.  Way to go!     Things will never change if we don't step out of the same old roles we have always played. 

I can relate to many parts of your story, ranging from feeling like you are misrepresenting things to being called a slut (while wondering what on earth that is but knowing it is very shameful.  Turns out is was projection.) and dealing with the ever changing moods.  I'm still struggling with seeing myself as at fault and responsible for things that are simply not mine to own.  I know on an intellectual level, but emotionally, I am still devastated inside.  Recently someone here helped me to look at this differently though.  There are many people here who can relate and help you gain knowledge and perhaps more importantly, perspective. 

Read the articles listed in the Lessons section at the top of this board and keep posting.  I hope to see you around.  This really is a nice safe place to land.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, pinksarah, and 

I can relate to a lot of what you have written, too. You're definitely not alone, and your story fits right in. A lot of people are nervous to make their first post, but it is safe to be honest here since it is anonymous. There are thousands of members who have very similar experiences.

Have you ever considered talking with a counselor about what you have been through with your mother? How do you respond when your mother starts raging at you? Our workshop on BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence was very helpful to me when I first came here. It might be a good place for you to start, too. Hope to hear more from you soon!

Wishing you peace,

PF